Monthly Archives: January 2009

not to gloat or anything, but…

i won R3 million in our poker evening on wednesday. not that i need the money. am thinking of donating it to ‘the recession’.

The pile of chips on the left is mine, the pile on the right is Jodys, who came second.

The pile of chips on the left is mine, the pile on the right is Jody's, who came second.

then Mark insisted on doing card tricks that didn’t work. he figured if he acted mysterious and wore a sailor hat we’d become more gullible to his guiles. it didn’t work.

Carla falls on Mark, while he acts mysteriously.

Carla falls on Mark, while he acts 'mysteriously'.

and then last night i dressed up in a Goldilocks outfit and sat on bear’s lap at the launch of the Airstreams atop the Grand Daddy Hotel in Long Street. but more about that later.

there’s a lot to be said for having a nemesis.

having a nemesis makes you work harder. a good nemesis should keep you up at night, while you try to outwit and outsmart them. a good nemesis should make you go to the Virgin Active every day, so you can be thinner or more buff than them. a good nemesis should keep your shoes clean, so you don’t look like shit when you appear next to them on a gameshow they’ve devised to make you look dumb.

i’m looking for a new nemesis. steve jobs had bill gates. who have i got? ppl who hate britney spears? ppl who forward around the Virgin Airlines ‘best complaint letter ever’ (for real? is it really so very funny?)? feeling rather thin on the nemesis front. sometimes i like to have a nemesis as a boss, because it makes you want to ‘prove them wrong’. but i like my boss. she believes in me. a nemesis should never believe in you. fear you, intimidate you, threaten you, maybe – but never believe in you.

that local politician who keeps singing that song about a machine gun used to be my nemesis, but he’s probably dying of AIDS, and that’s no fair. not sure why everyone’s so scared of him becoming president, because he’ll die of AIDS eventually (he doesn’t use condoms and sleeps with chicks who are HIV +).  it’s not very sporty to have a nemesis who is dying.

i guess in order to find my nemesis i should follow some sort of logical process and pick someone who stands against something i stand for. then i should decide what i stand for. i stand for: getting free stuff / buying stuff / having stuff bought for me / wearing cool stuff / listening to music on my various cool technological stuffs / reading about cool stuff / making cool stuff / running / dissing facebook.

now if i flip this and line up all the opposites, my nemesis should become immediately apparent. and my nemesis is…

stupid. clearly. who doesn’t like cool stuff? not sure that this is the most effective way of establishing a nemesis.

i’ll think about this over the weekend, and get back to y’ulle on monday. feel like whomever i choose as my nemesis will have a big impact on my personal brand.

Are you there Standard Bank / Nike / American Swiss / Pick ‘n Pay / Woolworths / Gucci / Hunter’s Dry / True Religion / Apple? it’s me, Alex.

Dear Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands that factor me into your marketing strats,

I feel a little lost. I have come to you seeking guidance in a difficult time. I feel very alone, and I have tough decisions to make, and chewy issues, and I need ur guidance. I will outline my problems and use some graphs to help you understand.

What should I be doing with my life? I am at the tender age where I go from falling in the 18 – 24 demographic to the 25 – 30 demographic. I am not sure what I should be wearing / doing with my free time / which magazines I should be reading / which websites I should be reading / which TV stations I should be watching / which ads I should be consuming / which bank I should be using / which cellphone network will give me the most bundled benefits. It’s all very confusing for me. Can you maybe send me a copy of the 25 Year-Old White Girl LSM 8-10 Manual so I can photocopy this phase in my life? I’ll basically buy whatever you tell me to, Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands, but you gotta speak to me.

Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purchasing purpose?

Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purchasing purpose?

What should my income be? What should I be doing for a living? Am I in a lucrative career? What should I be drinking? I feel lost, Lifestyle Brands. What is my Corporate Identity? What should my logo be? What should my facebook status (payoff line) read?

Dear God Brand pls send me a t-shirt angel kthnks bye.

Dear Lifestyle Brands Please help me define myself as interesting, unique and 'going places'. Maybe give me a t-shirt or something. I feel like t-shirts do a good job of telling ppl who i am.

Yesterday I went to the bank and they told me the only difference between their card packages was the price and the colour of the cards. Help me, Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands. I really want a White Gold Platinum Black Dining Express Club  Card but I will have to pay more in card fees. Why is the world like this? Life is so unfair.

Graph explaining unfairness of life.

Graph explaining unfairness of life.

Dear Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands, why is there war in Iraq? Is it because George Bush opened a new Nike Sweatshop there? Why did that man slash all those babies in Belgium? Was it because his mom put him in Pampers not Cuddlers when he was little? Why do we have to keep reading articles about Julius Malema? Is he a ‘subliminal ambassador’ for MacDonald’s? Is it because he wears really pointy shoes from Spitz, making him ‘highly quotable’?

Julius Malema, head of the ANC Youth League.

Julius Malema, head of the ANC Youth League.

Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands, I know some people don’t believe in you. But I believe in you. I need you. I need you to tell me who I am based on what I should buy and where I fall into your marketing strategies. I will do whatever you say. Your love is all-embracing. Keep it real.

Alex

PS. I can’t be reached through TV ads and I don’t read magazines, and I will defriend you if you SMS me, so do something real amazing to catch my attention. Free stuff is prob your best bet. Cool.

bad blogger. bad bad.

i know. not blogging enough. because there’s a lot on my desk at the moment that isn’t just rad happy times to blog about. will get back to normal soon, i promise. i did get round to spending a lot of time scanning in photos i found in my drawer. the yellow ones were taken with a Lomolito Yellow Flash. the square ones are my dearest Polaroid, and the rest were taken by my parents and grandparents, so i’m not too sure. i scanned them in to get on top of my film photos since I just got myself a Lomo Cyber Sampler which i’m snapping with at the moment and it’s all in aid of a scanning backlog. enjoy.

My birthday party 2007

My birthday party 2007

My birthday 2007

My birthday 2007

My birthday 2007

My birthday 2007

My birthday 2007

My birthday 2007

Playing with the Polaroid.

Playing with the Polaroid.

Polaroid fun (photo taken by Rei)

Polaroid fun (photo taken by Rei)

Jean and me on the Johnnie Walker Bus at the Loerie Awards 2007

Jean and me on the Johnnie Walker Bus at the Loerie Awards 2007

King James balcony 2007, taken by Sue Stewart

King James balcony 2007, taken by Sue Stewart

Mom and me, taken by my dad, 1980s

Mom and me, taken by my dad, 1980s

My mom and her sister, Joburg, 1950s

My mom and her sister, Joburg, 1950s

new Western Cape Liquor Bill – good or bad thing?

so a lot of people on ‘the facebook’ are inviting me to sign some sort of pantyliner petition protesting the passing of the Western Cape Liquor Bill. this bill will mean clubs and places of disrepute will not be able to sell alcohol past 2am, thereby destroying lives, leaving children parentless, causing multiple road accidents, causing crime, pushing drunkards out into the streets where they cause chaos – oh no wait – that’s what happens if the liquor bill doesn’t get passed. that’s what happens right now, as it is. sorry for the confusion.

it’s hard not to see the flagrant injustice in the passing of this kind of bill. what will all those middle class afda / cape tech / UCT / vega dropouts have to blame their pregnancies on? how will rich white kids explain how they got syphilis to their parents, now that the only acceptable excuse -“i was sooo fucked” – will no longer be available? will it force the girls to admit that they just wanted to ‘secure a man’ for the future? is there anything wrong with ‘securing a man’ through pregnancy? is getting pregnant cheaper than taking out a policy with liberty life / more viable than getting a job? is getting syphilis more ‘fun’ than registering for tax? what your experiences y’ulle? is sleeping with all your friends more appealing than ‘getting a job’ and ‘being responsible adults’? hey have you ever heard drinkers boasting about how many pedestrians they’ve killed? apparently it’s the latest thing – getting drunk and then driving home / into a wall / into someone’s child / into another car. gotta stay ahead of what’s cool y’ulle.

and what about the ‘liberals’ who like to converse on the balconies of Long Street (The Waiting Room, Neighborhood), telling each other lies about who they are and offering each other jobs they don’t have the authority to offer? how will groups of friends all sleep together now that there’s nowhere to hang out drinking until having an orgy / hooking up with your ‘best friend’ seems like it’s a good idea? how will slags steal boyfriends now that most boyfriends will be sober and home at a decent hour? i feel like this liquor bill is really gonna throw a spanner into Cape Town’s social workings, y’ulle.

Save the liberals, yulle. They are just sensitive, creative souls who need to express themselves through getting drunk and sleeping with their friends / classmates / colleagues / friends of friends / the chick no one else wants to sleep with (pity f*ck a.k.a. material for art)

Save the liberals, y'ulle. They are just creative souls who need to express themselves through getting drunk and sleeping with their friends / classmates / colleagues / friends of friends / the chick no one else wants to sleep with (pity f*ck a.k.a. material for 'art')

without booze, how will we connect y’ulle? how will we overcome our introvert-by-nature personality types? how will we meet random strangers whom we can add as friends on facebook the next day, so we can tell ourselves that we are ‘meeting cool people’ and are ‘really connecting with awesome people, man’. how will we pretend that living in Cape Town is in any way socially rewarding?

how will we make mutually embarrassing memories to be brought up later in the workplace / at college / at tech / at varsity / at creative collective meetings / at Royale before our waitressing shift starts? what will we talk about if not how f*cked we all got last night (“Whoa last night was soooo hectic man”)? what will we say in our facebook statuses if we can’t say “xxx is ready to party! xxx just wants to party bro! xxx is feeling last night’s party man”?

I just wanna party. Lets party. Man, i was sooooo f*cked. I bonked some chick without a condom dude. What a party! Right on!

"I just wanna party. Let's party. Man, i was sooooo f*cked. I bonked some chick without a condom dude. What a party! Right on!"

Hey dude, when do we party? Can you pour shots of vodka in my mouth? Lets get so f*cked up a bonk a man instead of a chick. Whoo hoo whatever bra! Just, like, party!

"Hey dude, when do we party? Can you pour shots of vodka in my mouth? Let's get so f*cked up and bonk a man instead of a chick. Whoo hoo whatever bra! Just, like, party!"

i personally don’t know what the big fuss is about because y’ulle can just start drinking a little earlier. have y’ulle learnt nothing from the Winehouse? she just drinks all day, unphased by pub closing times. it doesn’t really interest me much because i don’t drink. drinking makes you ugly y’ulle. it makes your cheeks puffy and saggy and it bursts the little veins in your face. but i guess y’ulle who are drinkers sleep with other drinkers while drunk so you forgive stuff like that. i guess it helps coz you can tell if your potential mate ‘shares your interests’ while you’re sober because they look like shit. but i’m just surmising here. maybe y’ulle can set me straight. go have a party and set me straight.

“One for my baby, and one more for the Rosacea.” – Frank Sinatry, drinker opposed to the Western Cape Liquor Bill

new old work: baring the bears

i told y’ulle earlier that i did some writing of letters and things for Mark Stead’s 3 Bears Caravan, which you can also check out in Elle Decoration’s Revamp 2009 issue. well, they can also all be found here. i’ve been told that the drawing of bear humping goldilocks doggy style is framed and up on the walls of the caravan. happy reading.



thought for the day

Happy Friday Yulle.

Happy Friday Y'ulle.

obama got the job and i’ve got a vision. let’s dance!

hey i know we advertising ppl live in a world of our own but did any of y’ulle hear?barack obama applied for the job of Prez of the United States of America and he got the job. pretty cool, huh?

gives me hope about my own dreams of becoming the President of the United States of America. LOL you can all probably guess that’s not reaaally my dream. like the parents of some rich hot chick in some movie said, Why would i want to waste my looks by using my brain?

This is a picture of me studying for my final exam back in college. Think it was Writing Eye Catching Billboards.

This is a picture of me studying for my final exam back in college. Think it was 'Writing Eye Catching Billboards".

Don’t worry y’ulle. There’s no danger of me using my brain any time soon. I’m very happy doing ppls nails (metaphorically speaking). I know that ppl value what i do and that i am useful and provide a service to someone, somewhere, and that’s all that matters, right?

Well…I’m not so sure anymore. You know as long as things are going badly (Southafricanland’s future president is a criminal & there’s a recession) i feel pretty okay with my lot because i can compare it too how bad things must be for other people (like any one of Jacob Zuma’s possibly HIV infected 9 wives or anyone who’s been retrenched due to the recession). But now that things have gone so well for Obama i kinda want to know when i can achieve my dream of being a respected copywriter-pop artist with my hit single ‘I Wanna Be Ur Facebook Girlfriend’ and the video in which i am naked except for *Sparkles* the editors have put on my hoo-hoo in post-production, while i dance against a slippery wall in the LA desert.

I have been called competitive, but really i am just resentful when people are more successful than me. - Alex van Tondress, S. African Advertising Pop Star

"I have been called 'competitive', but really i am just resentful when people are more successful than me." - Alex van Tondress, S. African Advertising Pop Star

Other tracks i have possibly lined up for my album include “Deep Etched Sex”, “Word Of My Mouth”, “Let’s Get Tactical”, “Sex Sells” and “Buy Me More”. let’s not forget my special track in honour of Obama called “Wham Bam Thank You M’am”. of course, i would release them for free on myspacebookster first, along with stills from the *Sparkles* scene, and get at least 1 alcohol or sneaker sponsor before i even started speaking to labels, so i know that i still have a lot of work ahead of me. luckily i am very pretty so it goes without saying that i work hard and am determined.

do y’ulle feel similarly affected by Obama’s success? are you jealous / resentful / envious / angry / horny? does Obama’s success make you want to consume brands that position themselves as successful in any way? like does it make you want to trade in your Mac for a Dell? or maybe you want to play PS3 instead of Wii now to honour the fact that the President of the USA is black and no longer white? does Obama’s success make you want to smoke expensive cigars and drink expensive whisky while you talk about expensive brandy in your expensive ‘businessman’s hotel’ on your expensive trip to Japan? I’m just trying to get a feel for what kind of ‘knock-on effect’ or ‘paradigm shift’ will come about as a result of this new president meme.

Obama has a lot of hard work ahead of him. he’s probably stressing, and obviously the Oval Office will now be working double time figuring out endorsement deals and what kind of brands will be appropriate as sponsors for their new pres. he’s probably feeling a bit confused as to which offers he should accept and which he should decline and ‘bank for later’. it will be a very difficult role. i would have a very tough time deciding between wearing Armani or Hugo Boss (and that’s just suits, we haven’t even touched on fragrance yet). Louis Vuitton is probably a bit tacky for luggage for a pres – i would advice him to go Gucci, maybe Prada. just thinking about the kinds of tough brand decisions Obama will have to make kinda gets me dizzy and wondering whether i’d really be able to cope with the pressures of fame.

i mean, an entire generation of men and their girlfriends are relying on him to save them from the grave fashion errors Bush is known for making. i salute you, Obama. you are a brave man to take on these challenges. but you have looked very well groomed and hot thus far, so i have a lot of faith that you will surround yourself with the hottest stylists and some honest fashion advisors and it will all be okay.

analysing Obama’s success like this has totally given me insight into how i can achieve my own success. see here i was giving myself ‘specialist online skills’ and ‘building my niche appeal through experience with social media’ to differentiate myself from all the other copywriter-pop stars out there, but all i really need is a good stylist and a wax therapist that i can trust. my eyes have been opened. i’m gonna change my facebook status right away. i now have concrete goals and a vision. i’m gonna start right now by getting a belly ring. yes i can, y’ulle!

The face of determination. I can haz it, yulle.

The face of determination. I can haz it, y'ulle.


feeling stale. going to reinvent myself as some form of trendy reflux.

reflux is in y’ulle! i know because i read a book by kreative missionary visionary dion chang and the title is trend flux 2009. so get stuffing your white rolls from woolies and your burgers and your strawberry pavlova (hey, not really sure what causes reflux as have never been pregnant before, but being pregnant is another trend – set by MIA / Gwen Stefani / Nicole Richie (choose your own psychographic role model, am not phased) – so expect an increase in ‘girls 4getting to take their pill oops’ – and ‘miracle pregnancies’ – “i WAS taking my pill! i promise!” and “fuck i got so drunk last night at Assembly that i forgot to take my pill“).

I went off my pill because it gives me cramps and its not natural. I am going to go drink at Gandalfs and then have sex with my friend and then masturbate after, just to really give those sperm a chance.

"I went off my pill because it gives me cramps and it's not natural. I am going to go drink at Gandalf's and then have sex with my random, lonely-as-me guy friend, and then masturbate after, just to really give those sperm a chance."

should i get pregnant? should i go off the pill because ‘it’s unnatural‘ and it ‘makes me bloated’ and ‘it makes me moody and fills my face with pimples’, even though it’s 2k9 now and yasmin was invented 10 years ago, so we all know girls who go off the pill are doing so only because they find the risk of getting pregnant when they have sex with their boyfriends / their best friends / their classmates at AFDA a turn on.

I cant come unless theres a possibility of me getting pregnant. - M.I.A? maybe Anon.

"I can't come unless there's a possibility of me getting pregnant." - M.I.A? maybe Anon.

has the possibility of getting pregnant ever turned you on? wish i could get pregnant and then donate the baby to a good cause. not sure if there are any good causes that need healthy babies. maybe someone should start a Replacement Workforce For All Those People Who Have Died And Will Die Of AIDS just so Telkom has someone to employ to throw a cog in their generator that they can blame when we exceed our power capacity in 20 years time.

********************************************************Got a bit off topic there********************************************

Back to Reflux and other things that will be hot in 2k9 (note i didn’t get these from the trend reflux book by Dion Change, i just got them off some arb website but it doesn’t matter because all trends came from the same arb mothership website):

- Being classy. “Classism is the new racism”. Does this give me license to discriminate? Just want to be ‘trendy’ y’ulle. Just want ppl to know i am better than them through my ‘social badging‘ or my ‘exclusive knowledge of how brandy is made’. Apparently knowledge about products is the new social currency. Am going to google Apple just now and learn everything there is to know about Steve Jobs so i can make my friends feel bad about themselves.

Apple was invented in 70 BC as an alternative to the slabs that Moses wrote the 10 Commodors on, but there wasnt a market until 2 000 years later.

Fact #1: Apple was invented in 70 BC as an alternative to the slabs of stone that Moses wrote the 10 Commodores on, but there wasn't a market until 2 000 years later.

- the 90s. the 90s is the new 80s. this would explain all the Kurt Cobain Converse floating around my mall home. yes, i live in a mall, y’ulle. malls are like the new ‘gated communities’ or ‘security complexes’. wonder what i can steal from the 90s to incorporate into my personal brand. shortlist: having ‘i’m blue da-ba-dee da-ba-da’ as my ringtone; wearing blue lipstick and humming ‘i’m blue da-ba-dee da-ba-da’ round the office; trading my black car in for a blue one and pumping ‘i’m blue da-ba-dee da-ba-da’ from the subwoofers. which one do y’ulle think best enhances my PB?

- twitter goes mainstream. uh-ohs. this means an increase in ppl twittering about how drunk they got last night / how crazy last night was / what a f*cked up time they had last night / how they 4got to take their pill last night / how they are really enjoying ‘Through the Storm’ by Lynne Spears. quick, time to evacuate twitter. tell all your trendleader / thought pioneering friends. this ship is sinking. if you are mainstream, quick, sign up for twitter while humming ‘I will go down with this ship’ by 90s star Dido.

Tweep recovering from a hangover from her night at Assembly, wondering if shes pregnant.

Tweep recovering from a hangover from her night at Assembly, wondering if she's pregnant.

- big government will be cool. guess we all have Obamalove to thank for this. wish we had an Obamalove. just so y’ulle don’t think i’ve given up the cause, i’m still emailing Kanye West trying to convince him to come and be President of SouthAfricanland as his next piece of ‘high art’. not sure whether this trend applies in safricanland. especially since the ruling party keeps smacktalking its own president. sigh. I wish America would buy us and then everything would be okay. not likely in these harsh economic times.

other arb things i think will be in (note: these are my hypotheses and do not come off some arb website):

- being a trendwatcher / trend guru / trend collaborator / trend consultant / marketing consultant / web2.0 consultant / iPhone 2.0 consultant. Basically if you can’t hack it in the real world, pick any one of the titles above and start a blog and you’ll be a- for away.

- suicide. just coz money doesn’t matter any more. like queen said, nothing really matters, to me.

- adopting a web celeb for your brand. feeding them. treating them to VIP consumer experiences. and then watching them blog about your brand. feels good, doesn’t it? tamagotchi 2.0.

- falling pregnant ‘accidentally’. because of the rise of organic, females in their mid-twenties who have not yet completed degrees or found jobs will choose this option because they think it will give them more options. outwardly, they will say they have issues putting hormones into their bodies because it is ‘unnatural’ and non-organic. time for phramaceuticals to go organic.

- britney spears. like she says, all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F-U-C-K her (track 6, Circus). Parting thought:

All i wanna do is xxxx and xxx and take your monay.

Sing with me: "All i wanna do is xxxx and xxx and take your monay."

“when i grow up, wanna be famous, wanna be a star, wanna be in movies, wanna have boobies” – the tigercat dollfaces

but no movies here.

no castings. no expensive theatre school.

no obssessive, economy-driving celebrity culture.

no reality shows where i can take my clothes off.

no one to make a sex tape with to ‘launch my career’.

no retouchers to make me look hotter than i am.

no lecherous men with money to ‘discover’ me.

just savanna, the locally produced ‘it’s-dry-but-you-can-drink-it’ cider. who makes a site that lets me make my own ad. makes me dress up like a monkey. and garble nonsense. make your own savanna ad here. and watch mine below. it stars me as the monkey, jabu as the black guy and alistair as the barman.


do y’ulle think i should quit my dayjob? does this count as a demo tape? is it strong enough to be an acting / dancing portfolio? do you think it shows that i have potential to look hot in music videos, if they spray water on me to make me look like i’m sweating? do you think it shows off my toned, tanned body? could i be the next brutney spears / leona lewis / brian searle-tripp (local advertising pop star) / mike schalit (local advertising pop star)? does this give me mass appeal as opposed to simply appealing to a handful of marketing types and social media gurus?

need some feedback so i know where to take my career / what kind of headlines i should be writing / what kind of headlines i should be appearing in / whether i should just make a sex tape on my own and upload it onto vimeo and hope 4 the best.

busy. like a person that has too much to do and no laptop to take it all home and do it on.

Ever feel like your To do list is laughing at you?

Ever feel like your 'To do list' is laughing at you?

still adjusting to the madness that is the beginning of the year.

what’s on my plate that’s stopping me from filling your RSS feeds with ramblings about brands, mostly my personal one? many things. i’ll write you a list:

1. Finding a new home. Flat-hunting in Cape Town is nothing short of a soul-destroying experience. I do believe i have found a haven of a nest though, and i’ll speak more about it once i’ve signed the lease.

2. Work. Believe it or not, i don’t only swan around picking up my bags of free stuff all day. Some of the people who give me free stuff expect me to work for them. And some of the people who don’t give me free stuff expect me to work for them, too. I am not yet my own economy. Not just yet.

3. Grooming the Llama out back. This takes up a lot of time. Llamas like their fur, they don’t like to be brushed, dampened or sheared. But duties are duties, I guess.

They know whats coming.

They know what's coming.

4. Looking for a new camera. My old camera was delightful little Ixus. Now, there are so many Ixuses (Ixii?) to choose from that I’m feeling a little stumped. Canon, I have been your loyal customer for years now. You want to send me a sample of your wares? My life is a testament to your products. Just keep reading. You’ll see.

5. Spending all my gift vouchers. This Christmas, I got R200 000 worth of gift vouchers for an assortment of stores / brands / spas / restaurants. As you can imagine, it’s taken a bit of time to work my way through them all. So far my bounty includes: 6 handbags (Prada, Guess – crass i know, but it’s one of their less crass ones and hey, it ain’t my money – , 9 West, Mr Price temps, a Big Blue special), 3 pairs of jeans (Paige, Seven, Diesel-Adidas colabs), 3 x perfumes (Michael Kors, D&G, Prada), 1 x LV Speedy (why not?), a LOT of books, 2 x day treatments at the Westin / Sheraton hotels, 3 x sunglasses (Spitfire still the only shapes i like apart from the big square Diors i found), iPhone, iPod (shuffle, for running), running shoes (New Balance babies)… and that’s it so far. think i have just over R150k left to spend. How ever will i do it? Maybe over 2 years? Buying stuff just gets boring after a while. Plus it adds to the clutter. Truly bad.


So now you know. in other news…

Check out the latest Elle Decoration Revamp 2009 issue for the article on the Grand Daddy Air Stream Mobile hotels. In the one about Mark Stead’s 3 Bears Caravan, you’ll see pics of some bear letters and writings that i did. Some very warped bear letters and writings. Ah, good times.

Until tomorrow, my branded friends, i say goodnight.

i’m gonna add you. and then delete you. i’m gonna add you.

Strangers are just friends waiting to be met. Lets just be strangers.

Strangers are just friends waiting to be met. "Let's just be strangers".

today i’m going through my facebook friends list, and checking it twice. feel like some of your wide-angle profile pics aren’t really doing much for my reading pleasure. and now that marketing has reached glorious new heights, if i delete you, you’ll know. because i’m gonna get something out of deleting you. i’m gonna get a free burger. that’s right, a free burger.

Me and my best facebook friend. We have so much fun.

Me and my best facebook friend. We have so much fun.

it’s no big deal. we were never great friends anyway. i met you through a friend of a friend and you’d just read Hey Whipple and you thought we had soooo much in common. i accepted your friend request because i figured i might be able to use you for my own gain, some day. delete.

We had this amazing connection. Yeah. Its called the internet.

"We had this amazing connection." Yeah. It's called "the internet".

and it ain’t no thang with you either. we went to primary school together, back when it was still called ‘primary school’. i had a crush on you because i was limited for choice. now i see your insipid little face for what it is: white trash. delete.

Friendship is only real when the age gap is at least 15 years and you all sit on a bus together.

Friendship is only real when the age gap is at least 15 years and you all sit on a bus together.

as for you. i met you one night backstage at some band thing i was covering. back when i used to write for that cute little mag that liked to think of itself as a post-modern Rolling Stone. later that night you covered yourself in your own vomit. it’s the only thing we talk about, when i actually reply to your mails. delete.

Real friends like to get their digits stuck in finger traps for days (forces intimate conversation and sharing of living spaces, boyfriends, etc).

Real friends like to get their digits stuck in finger traps for days (forces intimate conversation and sharing of living spaces, boyfriends, etc).

and then of course, there’s you. i guess there was a time when i might have called you my ‘boss’. guess that was back before you revealed yourself to be a liar. you lied about the job description, you lied about company resources, you lied to your clients, and then you were caught plagiarising. real world’s a bitch. delete.

Youre not officially friends until you have an attic clubhouse where you can look at each others clothes and talk about having a yard sale.

You're not officially "friends" until you have an attic clubhouse where you can look at each others clothes and talk about having a yard sale.

hey. it’s you! we were best friends once. now we lurk around each other’s profiles, spying on each other’s friends, reading a little too much into everything. i still like you, though. you can stay.

Youre not friends until youre a band of white horses, running free and groovy through the electro orchards of contemporary Cape Town.

You're not friends until you're a band of white horses, running free and groovy through the electro orchards of contemporary Cape Town.

oh, but you. i don’t even know how i know you, though facebook says we have 15 friends in common. i don’t even know what you look like. you could be Sadam Hussein for all i know. but no. you are some arb with some arb name, polluting my news feed with your status updates and your photo tags and your notes. you send me requests to put me on your BFF birthday calendar, and you send me growing gifts. this isn’t healthy. i’m ending this for us. maybe some day our paths will cross and we will never even know that we were once fbook friends. until then, adieu. delete.

Were not friends until you adore me and carry me around.

We're not friends until you adore me and carry me around.

hey you. we once lived together, for a bit. we could have been best friends, but life – and a landlord – got in the way. every time i see your status i feel a little guilty because i should see you more. since i feel guilty about everything from putting an extra half spoon of sugar in my tea (bad G.I.) to not updating my blog to ignoring my phone on the odd Friday night (ok, every Friday night), i’m gonna scrape your name off my guilt platter, to give myself a break. love ya. delete.

Were not friends until we cross a cultural barrier and offend the people we love. So i can stroke your soft white feathers.

We're not friends until we cross a cultural barrier and offend the people we love. So i can stroke your soft white feathers.

oh, and you! we once worked together for that lame promo company. i was nice to you because everyone pretended to be nice to everyone. the truth is i think you’re bland, dull and gormless. delete.

*********************************************************2 more to go til burger time….******************************************

and then there is you, mr generic person who added me because all your friends added me. there’s no nice way to say this but…you’re lame. go tag a wall in Rondebosch or something. delete.

Were not friends until you take ambient shots of me with your Polaroid in your bedroom.

We're not friends until you take ambient shots of me with your Polaroid in your bedroom.

and lastly, we have you, friend of friends. you, who has not much else to talk about (not that we talk – by talk i mean ‘update your fbook status’) but how drunk you got last night. or how hungover you are this morning. it’s like being inside the Ground Hog Day of your Loser’s Complex. as fascinating as it is to read about how drunk you did / can / will / want to get, i’m sorry, it’s time for you to go now. delete.

Were not friends unless youre a little white bird that brings me dreams while i sleep.

We're not friends unless you're a little white bird that brings me dreams while i sleep.

and now. for my burger. mwah ha ha. see you in fbook hell, fuckers.


Psychographic Profile: I am an Advertising Student

Lets get vida and take photos of each other and deep etch them.
Let’s get vida and take photos of each other and deep etch them.

i am an advertising student.
i go to red and yellow / triple A / Vega.
i think my school is better than all the others.
i am from Joburg, but i am reinventing myself in Cape Town.
i am open-minded and quirky.
my accent has an American twang that i picked up from my best friend MTV / VH1.

I am an advertising student.
i carry at least 2 moleskines everywhere i go (1 for ideas, 1 for doing sketches of my friends that i will scan later and upload onto facebook so my friends can use them as profile pics).
i am learning to manipulate the minds of the public.
i am learning how to render food, cars and fast moving consumer goods (FMCGs) with my overpriced Copic Markers.
i am adding ppl who work at ad agencies as friends of facebook because it will improve my peer evaluation marks.

i am an advertising student.

i have loads of cool kreative friends at AFDA.i have slept with all of them.
all of them have slept with me.
we do cocaine together at mercury live.
together we are ‘singing the song, singing this is the life’.
i write scripts and we make short films about the role brands play in our lives.
i work for the man. i hate the man. fuck the man. i am the man.
i make out with my female classmates when i go out to Long Street on a Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday night.
i am in love with my gay best friend.

i am an advertising student.
i am multitalented. i can write and i can draw.
i can direct short movies on my nokia.
i know how to work a “Mac”.
i am in love with ideas.
i am just an idea. you are just an idea.
together, we have both been done before.

i am an advertising student.
someday i will be an advertising intern.
someday i will sleep with a Creative Director and blackmail him into hiring me.
someday i will write / art direct / design a TV ad / billboard / radio ad / brochure / promotion / meme that your kids will hum along to / fwd on email / fwd on Mxit / fwd on facebook.
someday i will quit my successful job and go ‘work in Dubai’ to kick my cocaine addiction.
someday i will never quit smoking, even though i did that ad about smoking that makes you puke into your mouth.

i am an advertising student.
i take pictures of the nightlife and upload them on my blog.
i work on proactive campaigns for brands like Vespa and Pritt glue.
i earn money by working behind the bar at a nightclub / at Exclusive Books / for a market research company.
i collect scraps of paper / packaging / stickers / quotes and stick them up around my desk / bedroom to feel creative / stimulate my mind.
i go to Vida E Caffe at wembley square every saturday morning so i can see Waddy Jones and his wife drink coffee and write raps.

i am an advertising student.
i go to vortex on the weekends. i dance to the trance music.
i love the vort because i can forget about brands and just ‘let loose’ and ‘be myself’.
i only read wallpaper and monocle magazine because i am progressive and have a global perspective.
i have won a student loerie.
i will get the funnest job at the zaniest agency because of it.

i am an advertising student.
i am my own consumer promise.
this is my tone and manner.
this is my substantiating evidence.
buy into my communication strategy.
buy into me.
buy me.

you know it’s gonna be a good day when you wake up to a tweet like this

is it sad that Britney’s twitter account getting hacked makes my day?

is it sad that i follow Britney Spears on twitter?

does it make me ‘mainstream’ and ‘tasteless’?

are there any tasteful, alternative and cool people out there who can ‘save me’ with their own taste in music and copy over an iTunes playlist with brands like LadyHawke, MGMT and Cansei de ser Sexy (CSS)?

am i ‘too straight’ for finding Britney Spears way more authentic, down to earth and better produced than some who, say, calls themselves Lovefoxx?

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“I see you. And i just want to dance with you. LOLOLOLOLOL.” – Brutney Spears

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y’ulle can follow me on twitter here.

holiday recon: december 2008

i joined my boyfriend and his parents at their holiday house in struisbaai, where we spent a few days on white sandy beaches and a few days cooped up inside because it rained. but it was good. we ate so much that we won’t need to eat again this whole year. rad, hey.

Fancy some grilled pubes?

Fancy some grilled pubes?

The abandoned masthead at the lighthouse at Cape Agulhas.

The abandoned masthead at the lighthouse at Cape Agulhas.

Rei dallying about at Cape Agulhas.

Rei dallying about at Cape Agulhas.

Sunset on the rocks at Struisbaai.

Sunset on the rocks at Struisbaai.

I got a holiday job holding up the very blue sky.

I got a holiday job holding up the very blue sky.

Spent a lot of time in a bikini feeling happy beach vibes.

Spent a lot of time in a bikini feeling happy beach vibes.

The *real* 2 oceans vibe.

The *real* 2 oceans vibe.

Lazing on the sand.

Lazing on the sand.

The quaintness that is strauisbaai harbour.

The quaintness that is struisbaai harbour.

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the second half of our holiday took place in Nature’s Valley, just outside of Plett. if our holiday was a movie, the blurb on the back would read  something like this:

“A group of avid hikers invite their city slicker friend Alex on holiday with them as a joke. They don’t tell her that there is no electricity or hot water, and they fail to mention that the shower is a hand-pumped cold one outside in the garden, with the insects. Things really get interesting when they, while hiking on New Year’s Day, decide to disobey instructions about turning around if the tide is high, and they find themselves increasingly trapped by a violent and stormy sea as they scramble frantically over the rocks, racing against the sunset. Packed with action and adventure, this is a movie that will appeal to anyone who has nearly died while scaling vertical cliff faces, and anyone who has been betrayed by friends they thought they could trust.”

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in retrospect, it was also a movie about overcoming my own personal issues, such as vertigo, fear of the sea while on rocks and cold showers in the outdoors, and it wasn’t all that bad. at the time though, things seemed quite bad. my most poignant memory from aforementioned hike goes something like this:

Rei and I atop a rock about 9 feet high that has no top, only culminates in a long spike that runs from the sea to a cliff, me in bikini, barefoot, mewling because I can’t put my weight on either foot without my feet being shredded, him sitting and putting my shoes on and tying my laces for me while I hold onto his head for balance, sea smashing and smashing over us, vertigo setting in because blood has rushed to my head because of how I am standing in order to not cut my feet.

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i think there’s something special about a holiday that brings a couple together in such an interesting way, so i gotta give it some credit. thanks must go to Lucy for hosting us, and to Reggie and Cecilia for being amazingly efficient hikers and cooks. also, my camera finally died on this holiday. dead and done. so no pics yet, but will try get some from others. and now you know.