Daily Archives: June 10, 2009

Whacky Wednesday – free consumer insight: get yours NOW! (use it, don’t use it, whatever)

If you work for a bank / cellular service provider, please copy and paste this post into a mail and allstaff it. It’s cheaper than paying some market research company to do it, and it’s also more honest. Here are some observations, insights and recommendations:

If you call me from a private number, I assume you are cold-calling me from some cellular service provider / bank, which is the communication equivalent to being woken up in the middle of a night by a naked bald guy jerking off over my face.

Unfortunately, repeat offenders have forced me to put some drastic measures in place, which include stating very clearly on my voicemail that if you are calling from a private number, I WILL NOT answer, unless you send me an SMS telling me who you are, and why you are calling, and give me a number on which to return your call. This is not open to negotiation.

This applies not only to private numbers, or ‘blocked’ numbers, as they appear on the iPhone, but also goes for any number that I do not have in my address book and hence do not recognize via Caller Line ID. Why so tense, you might ask?

Because if you are not one of my nearest and dearest, I do not want to speak to you. If you are going to try and get me to buy something, I do not want to speak to you. If I want to buy something you have, I will find you – don’t you worry. If you exist in the peripheries of my life ie. you are my bank consultant, the dude from my gym who wants to check if I’m still taking part in the triathlon or the chick from the spa who wants to confirm my massage this weekend, you have TWO options when it comes to contacting me: email me, or SMS me. I will reply. I will be nice, courteous and pleasant to deal with.  We can still have a meaningful, productive relationship – just not over the phone.

(Whomever the retarded person was who phoned me SEVEN times from a private number yesterday, what is going through your brain? Which part of my voice message do you not understand? Why do you think phoning me again will make me answer? Do you not read 2oceansvibe?)

***********************PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION NOW*******************************


Lastly, but not leastly, do not EVER send me a Please Call Me. The last friend who sent me a Please Call Me is no longer a friend. So why on earth, bank-who-shall-not-be-named (you know who you are) do you think sending me a Please Call Me is going to convince me that you have any kind of understanding of me as a consumer or my needs? Getting a Please Call Me from a bank takes cellular rape to a whole new level. There really was nothing left to do but, well, call the number on my screen. Of course, I didn’t know the Please Call Me was from a bank until I called.

A transcript of my conversation with person from Big Bank that Everyone Knows.

A transcript of my conversation with person from Big Bank that Everyone Knows.

UN-f-ing-BELIEVABLE.

I’m feeling benevolent, so I’m not posting the name of the bank here, but if you’re shopping around for a new bank and would like to know who NOT to go with, drop me a mail and I’ll gladly tell you.