Y’ulz I’m bored in da New SA
Got myself elected now I sit all day
Sippin’ on the Chivas in the Union Buildings
Got me all randy like a buckwild gelding
Hired all my homies now they owe my ass big
They be sippin’ on my juicies like a suckling pig
I ask for a car and they buy me a jag
I ask for cash I get a Louis Vuitton bag
I ask for a crib and they build me a castle
Coz dey love how I do it in dem leopard-skin tassles
Da Black Puma
I got’s a peen and I know how to use her
Da Black Puma
You wanna do it in the conference room-ah?
I got 5 wives and even more lives coz my dick don’t stick when I dip it like a knife
In the honeypots filled to da brim with AIDS
Guess it’s all true what my witchdoctor say
“Take dis tongue of frog and dis eye of newt
mix it all together throw da bitch in the boot
drive her off a cliff if she says you raped her
say ‘no comment’ when dey call da newspaper
You da Prez you can do what you wanna
Ok Maybe not da cliff just send her off to Ghana”
Da Black Puma
I got’s a peen and I know how to use her
Da Black Puma
You like my snazzy jazzy party costume-ah?
I been Prez one year so I’m kicking up a gear coz I got this old man Mandela in my ear
Says ‘Uphold the institution of the A – N – C
Less funky chicken, more AIDS policy’
Mandela-shmela-kwela dang dis geezer don’t stop
Kicked him out my office for my dawgs dat give me props
You don’t like my rules I piss you out like water
And when you not looking I be sticking it in your daughter
Da Black Puma
I got’s a peen and I know how to use her
Da Black Puma
I push my seed in your babygirl’s womb-a
Had a magical summer holiday y’all. Going to ‘let the pictures do the talking’.
The Mountain and The Moon
Pool Party New Year's
Pool Party New Years
Blue Moon at Midnight New Year's Eve
City Bowl Paradise
And that concludes another stunning summer in Cape Town. You can see the rest of my photos here. What did y’all do with your holidays?
Posted in Cape Town, cool stuff i like, Africa, my real life
Tagged Cape Town, beach, christmas, summer, photos, restaurants, holidays, december, 2009, my brandedlife
Y’ulz was googling ‘how 2 sue your parents’ when i read that SouthAfricanland has a new logo and that this is it.
Our New National Logo.
Feel very relieved y’ulz. Was real worried SA would brand themselves as ‘aspirational’ via using 1 of the 15 classic fonts & make all the rich ppl of the world want 2 live here thereby ‘making sushi unaffordable 2 the masses’. So glad there’s no danger of ‘appearing world class’ (via hiring a designer 2 design the logo). So glad SAfricanland decided to ‘give the youth a chance’ & ‘created a job’ via commissioning one of Jacob Zuma’s 5-year-olds to design it.
"Every cabinet member is competent until proven incompetent, okay y'als?"
How do y’ulz feel about ‘brand SAfrica’? Does it compliment your personal brand / make a kiff bumper sticker / inspire u to ‘fuck some stripper and snort CAT because your wife is a pregnant cow & u were meant for greater things’ / make u want 2 start a racist trending topic on twitter? Let me know y’als. Wanna ‘know who you are’ via your reaction 2 our National Logo. So glad we’re on this ‘journey of discovery’ together.
Hey y’ulz. Been watching the news. App there is some chick who ran real fast now she is ‘suspected of being a man’. Makes me worry coz I can do lots of things rly efficiently which makes me worry if I am a man. What do y’ulz think? Does ‘being able 2 do something real well’ disqualify you from running in the Being A Woman Race?
Made this list of things I can do well:
I can write rly well.
I can ‘think up clever ads’ rly well.
I can ‘be witty and smart’ rly well.
I can ‘figure out html’ rly well.
I can ‘manage clients’ rly well.
I can dance.
I can jive.
I can have the time of my life.
Conclusion: I AM EFFICIENT THERE4 I AM A MAN.
Please see evidence of ‘real women’ to compare my skills with:
Clearly visible: Poon & Boobs
Clearly visible: poon & boobs
Clearly visible: poon & boobs
Conclusion 2: U ARE ONLY A WOMAN IF YOU KEEP SHOWING PPL YOU HAVE A POON AND BOOBS.
So bummed. Think my bf is gonna be real disappointed when he finds out he is dating a bro. At least I’m not famous so the media won’t ‘use my manliness as a hook story’ to sell papers. Hope the blogmunity is kind 2 me. Pls just remember that even tho I am now a man I am still the kind-hearted, sensitive blogger I always was. Now with peen.
How the penis works.
Posted in Africa, ambassadors, celebrity, insight, my real life
Tagged disguised as a woman, found out i am a man, hermaphrodite, man or woman, my branded life, runner, semenya controversy
Just got back from a little mini holiday. Managed to spend some time in New York and squeeze in some shopping in London. Also attended a fab birthday party, ate some deliciously wonderful food, wrangled a sunset on beta beach, and had the most tremendous amount of fun every. single. second. Literally. Sometimes I have to stop having fun just to realise how much fun I keep having. Not sure if y’ulle know, but ‘van’ is my middle name. No jokes. Say that aloud. Check all this fun out:
Having fun on a see-saw in a park in London.
Having fun with a little sunset on beta beach.
The fun we had to go back to after the beach.
Just 'funning around' the loft.
Having fun with some 'chill 3D glasses', rapping to the guards at the gate. (Not sure how much fun they found it - maybe counts again the fun?)
Having fun with Neurotic Harvey. This is basically the most fun cat around. He stands in front of the mirror high-fiving himself for hours. True story.
The extremely fun cake from M's fab birthday party.
The boyfriend having fun with some 3D glasses and our very fun plant. And look at that fun piece of art in the corner that says so much about our fun lives as young technophiles.
Me having almost unbridled fun with a scarf. Can you handle it?
Friend Kath having extreme fun at my extremely fun table at home in the loft.
Being bros with a giant bear. So much fun.
Romantic, yet still fun. It's too much.
What do y’ulle think? Should I make an effort to have less fun and ‘be more serious’? Do I need to ‘grow the fuck up’? Please let me know. Your feedback would be appreciated.
Posted in Africa, Cape Town, my real life
Tagged alex, beta beach, big bear, bombay bicycle club, Cape Town, charmed life, do i have too much fun, my branded life, porno barbie doll cake, sunset, too much fun
so same friend Lauren (whom I mentioned for Moxyland a few days ago) has also been involved in a political satire show called ZNews, which the SABC commissioned, then canned, and then when Special Assignment did an investigative show on the canning it was then banned (just like Apartheid, eh?). the reason? the show takes the piss out of our politicians, and sadly, gov can’t take it like they dish it.
ironically, the show has now been selected for screening at INPUT 2009 – the world’s biggest public broadcaster conference. why? this was their reason:
“Even though is not an innovative format – it is a news parody with puppets – the question of “what are the limits of freedom of speech“ can be heard in this programme. Could this be a relevant question both in Africa and beyond.”
LOLcakes all round. watch the full pilot here.
Posted in Africa, cool stuff i like, creatives, innovation, youth politics
Tagged ANC dictatorship, apartheid 2009, freedom of speech, INPUT 2009, jacob zuma, lauren beukes, oppressive, politicians, puppet, SABC, showerheard, south africa, Z News, Zapiro
listen y’ulle. there’s this cheetah, and her name is Lucky because she’s ‘lucky to be alive’ after she was found in a steel trap. the animal vets tried everything they could to save her leg – she is a cheetah after all, her legs are super important to her – but they weren’t able to, and they had to amputate one of her hind legs. now, she has just started walking again, and the nice blonde lady who has been rehabilitating Lucky takes her for long drives in her VW Golf, so that Lucky can stick her head out of the window and remember how it feels to move at the speed of the wind once more.
i actually started crying by the time i typed the last sentence.
that’s some iconic advertising, Ogilvy. i think this beats the Dunlop Staffie, and certainly shuts up that BMW Mouse. the IBM (ISM?) Elephant Bros are a stiff contender, but this is right up there.
I <3 you, Lucky. Wherever you are.
Hey y’ulle. Hope y’all are revelling in your public holiday. And revelling in the fact that there’s another one on friday. Such happy times. So i just want to touch base with all my readers about how everyone feels about elections. I, personally, am pretty happy with the results. I think the DA got a fair majority in the Western Cape (let’s face it, most ppl here just ain’t that into you, ANC), and ANC didn’t get some power-mad 2/3 majority so it’s all gonna be fine.
I also had this epiphany while chatting to my boyfriend. My boyfriend loves Kung Fu Panda, and we were contemplating renting it a 37th time for him to watch while I write, when a srsly deep thought struck me. You know how in Kung Fu Panda, there’s this elite force of trained Kung Fu warriors, all hoping to be the Dragon Warrior, and all of them totally qualified to be the Dragon Warrior? Except the wise turtle dude knows that none of these super efficient smart animals are supposed to be the dragon warrior, and names an inept, bumbling ol’ fat panda to be the Dragon Warrior. And then everyone flips out because he’s obviously underqualified to be some super Dragon Warrior dude – but that’s the whole point. Some times it’s the most unlikely person who’s fate is to be the Dragon Warrior, and you just have to accept that even a fat bumbling Panda can be trusted with the great secret hidden within the Dragon Scroll, which will enable him to do the right thing at the right time that makes everything okay.
It's all gonna be okay.
And that’s all I wanted to share with y’all. He Who Shall Not Be Named shall henceforth be known on this blog as Kung Fu Panda. And I believe in him, because I believe in the universe working for the greater good. Peace y’ulle.
Posted in Africa, celebrity, insight, youth politics
Tagged ANC, DA, elections south africa 2009, jacob zuma is kung fu panda, kung fu panda, my branded life, politics, why it's all going to be okay
I am a white South African.
This makes it my duty to a) complain and
b) complain about whatever’s done in response to my complaints.
I have a blog, and a twitter page, and a small audience. I am an ‘influencer’.
So I feel the need to influence, but also, to point out how refined,
educated and intellectuarllll I am.
I am a white South African and even though I,
like most educated people in this country,
am petrified of He Who Shall Not Be Named becoming President,
I’m not going to go right out and say it because that would not be very
politically correct, progressive or liberal.
(also it would be laaaaank obvious bro, need to ‘be special’).
Instead I will complain about ‘government’ as an homogeneous mass
and focus my complaints on white people in government
so my white friends understand just how liberal and progressive I am.
I am a white South African,
Maintaining my positioning as liberal is highly NB,
because my white friends believe that if you are not liberal, you are racist –
and there are no grey areas in between.
My educated black friends LOL at me behind my back,
but mostly they pity me and my suppressed fear,
and send me digital snaps from London, where they have moved,
which I complain about,
because if black people are moving overseas,
then things must be bad.
I am a white South African, and
I am paranoid about coming across as racist
because we have the sins of our “fathers” forced on us
all the time by our scapegoat-loving government and its
even though most of our fathers were actually against Apartheid,
but they had as much choice then
as we do now when it comes to policy (ie. No choice)
but you can bet your lobola
that I’m going to complain about it.
I am a white South African
(and proudly so)
and I’m going to complain
and through my interlektuarll complaining
I’m going to be superior to my fellow men
(who will complain about my complaints because they are as scared as me)
but I’m going to complain with pride
because I am a South African
And this is my home
and I don’t want to leave this country to complain somewhere else
I want to feel safe when I complain down the streets
and I want my children to feel safe about complaining while they play
I want women to feel that they can complain without suffering abuse
I am a white South African
even though South Africa’s a political mess
I’m going to stay and fight for my right to complain in the country of my birth.
I shall complain about the beaches
I shall complain about the landing grounds
I shall complain about the fields and the streets
I shall complain about the hills
and I shall never surrender
Posted in Africa, Cape Town, LOL, poetry, youth politics
Tagged elections 2009, i am a white south african, my branded life, politics, psychographics, racism, south african
okay y’ulle. i’m going to just go out and say this. He Who Shall Not Be Named is NOT a president. he is a pop star. remember way back in 2007 when Britney Spears (bless) went crazy? first she shaved her head, then she bashed up a van with an umbrella, then she kidnapped her own kid topless, then she wore no-pants a lot, then she hooked up with a paparazzi, then she shouted ‘Eat it, Snort it, Lick it, Fuck it!’ randomly between custody hearings, then she…
Bring Me My Umbrella.
do y’ulle see what i’m getting at here? we’ve all just made a mistake. He Who Shall Not Be Named should be offered a 5 record and tour deal, and all the brand endorsements he can handle, leaving the title of ‘President’ open to someone a little less, well, eccentric.
makes sense, no? plus then he can focus on some new material, not that lame old ditty about his Machine Gun. I mean, Machine Gun. FFS.
Posted in celebrity, music, youth politics, Africa
Tagged my branded life, jacob zuma, pop star, 2009, presidents who should be pop stars, when britney went crazy, jacob zuma crazy, south african elections, record deal, bring me my machine gun
A Banned Lama is a Sad Lama.
Southafricanland’s in trouble now. Bet y’ulle in government didn’t think you could make EVERYONE in the whole country hate you. Just a general question: why are we China’s bitch? Don’t we have a cheap (desperate) workforce? Is this because of that one CD who has a Chinese girlfriend?
Is THIS why we refused entry to the most chilled dude around?
The results of in-depth SWOT Analysis on SouthafricanBrand right now:
- we have sunny weather
- we have lots of mountains
- we have lots of sea
- Desmond Tutu
- nobody likes us, including ourselves (might self-harm, keep on suicide watch), also have an immortal enemy now
- low national self-esteem
- lots of LSM 0 – 5 (ie. Lots of people hating everything because they R hungry and also, not many blogs bcoz not many ppl can put an education on the table)
- all the educated ppl going to Australasia / LDN to achieve ‘self-actualisation’
- lots of AIDS (ie. Dying ppl who are hating and hungry and didn’t learn about self-actualisation at the school they never went to)
- bounced the Dalai Lama. Stupid stupid stupid. ie. Can be concluded that Zuma is NOT president but the president of China, Mao Tse Tsung, is actually our president.
- Pop Idols
- Who wants 2 B a Millionaire
- Noot vir Noot
- Jika Majika
- Mao Tse Tsung
- Kanye West (he’s coming, and when he does y’ulle in government are gonna cry)
To conclude. The study. To conclude it.
SouthafricanBrand equity is at an all-time low. It’s time to do some viral marketing. Need to create ‘positive buzz’. Maybe the ANC should start a ‘vlog’ pretending to be a bunch of rly happy South Africans, who want a PSP for Xmas hence love China hence hate the DL. Or maybe ‘release an apology’. Is pretty dumb to piss off an immortal. Have y’ulle learned nothing from Twilight? IMMORTALS ARE DEADLY. They will kill you. They never forget.
Am hot, will kill you.
Please forgive us Dalai. I am a consumer of your philosophies. I would have let you in, but us Southafricanlanders are prisoners. FREE SOUTH AFRICA. FREE MANDELA (ii).
Posted in Africa, youth politics
Tagged banned, brand south africa, china, dalai lama, free mandela, free south africa, free tibet, immortal, my branded life, pissing off, south africa, SWOT analysis
if i was still doing tv ads i would probably be obsessing about how i can get wes anderson to direct one of my commercials. good thing i am now focusing on design and more through-the-line, experiental / real-life/ meaningful concepts, because i can imagine i would do a lot of lame things like get dressed up like Angelica Houston in Life Aquatic / Royal Tennenbaums and re-enact classic scenes from those movies just so i could fit getting all celebrity-director feverish into my 9-5. i would post lots of movies on youtube which no one but my colleagues and stalker ex boyfriend would view, while they cringed for me. anyway here is an ad starring brad pitt that wes directed.
Hello I am Wes Anderson. I directed classics you might have heard of such as A Life Aquatic, which was inspired by me drinking this glass of water. I also directed The Royal Tennenbaums. Plus I directed that quirky movie about 3 brothers who find themselves on a train in India. I forgot the name because I don't define myself by what i do but rather by who I am. I am confident and down-to-earth. I am sorry but i can't direct your fragrance commercial because it doesn't align with my personal brand, even though you wrote it for me. I guess I've changed. You've changed. Change is part of life. Sorry.
in other news, i spent an amazing day at the South African History Museum on Saturday. went and investigated all the fossils. learnt about where we come from. learnt about how we evolved from small 1-bit file sizes to full on 500 GB living breathing human hard drives. remembered how small we are in the greater scheme of things. i even met a really nice shark with whom i hit it off immediately. we might get lunch next week.
It's good to make friends with people who are different to you, so that you can learn about yourself through your differences.
this followed a most intense full-body massage i had at the Paris Spa right here below our offices at Wembley Square. a girl called Abigail took me for an Aromatherapy treatment, and managed to coax out via sheer force all the tension that’s been building in my shoulders for the past year or so. i came out feeling like i’d found god in the form of a plump and smiley masseuse with hair extensions. big thanks must go to my mum, who got me the massage as a christmas present.
I bumped into Kanye West on a blog this morning, and he told me he’s giving up rapping for fashion. says he just wants to do something normal, now that he is at the apex of his career / everybody’s career.
Kanye with this summer's new menswear pattern. Swirly vibes are the new pinstripe.
So i asked him what of that great idea i had where he could come be President of South Africanland. I pointed out that it would be pretty similar to being a rapper but he said he wasn’t sure if a seat in parliament would ‘bring it’ enough for him to feel motivated every day. sad news. got my hopes up. at least kanye has enough $ with which to bribe central st. martin’s. ask anyone who has any real talent and they’ll tell you they didn’t get accepted into central st. martin’s because their father doesn’t belong to the Old Boys Oxford St Martin’s Old English Money Lord Alumni. life’s tough when you’re just a nobody from southafricanland who didn’t make a ‘high art’ rap album to get you a foot in the fashion door.
one more week til holidays. i go off on friday and come back on monday 5 jan. i know if i was *really* committed to being a real blogger i would blog all the way through but i’ve already committed to a tan and a book and a swimming pool. plus the screen on my new Macbook pro-Pod Steve Jobs Worx is too glossy for the outdoors. and i’ll be damned if i sacrifice reasonable exchange rates on Horlicks in Africa and then not make use of the sunshine.
Only 4 more days, horsey. Just put one hoof in front of the other. Think of all the carrots and sugarlumps waiting for you at the end of this week.
Posted in advertising, Africa, arts and culture, Cape Town, celebrity, fashion, my real life, popculture
Tagged advertisement, aromatherapy, brad pitt, bribe, Cape Town, cellphone, centra st martin's, christmas, december, fashion, full body massage, gardens, getting wes anderson to direct commercial, holidays, horlicks, kanye west, leaving rapping, life aquatic, macbook pro, maxine, natural history museum, Paris Spa, planetarium, royal tennenbaum, shark, softbank, south africa, south african history museum, summer, wembley square, wes anderson
Under all sorts of pressure right now. The agency xmas party is on Friday and I still don’t have what I need for my beehive, or my satin ballet slippers. Irksome. Been thinking a lot of about Loeries next year. You know when that book The Secret came out and everyone started ‘being positive’ and ‘following the laws of attraction’ and writing affirmations about money in the gratitude journals? Was wondering if the law of attraction applies to awards. Should I imagine a lot of Loeries flying towards me like magnets? Or is that a bit unrealistic.
Maybe if I flap my hands it will call The Loeries to me and my life will be like a advertising remake of Hitchcock's 'The Birds'.
Been thinking about what kind of crazy zany antic I can do when I go on stage to collect my gold Loerie award. You know how some really crazy creatives like to do hand-stands when they collect their awards? I need some sort of stage gimmick like that. Some creatives get zany by throwing their panties at the mayor of Margate. Others have lollopped up the stage like monkeys. I’m not feeling like any of these antics really reflects my deeply introspective yet also fun and lighthearted creative nature.
Should i take a giant crusty fake hot dog / banana on stage with me and hump it? Such a big decision for me to make.
I could take a fire extinguisher up with me and set it off onstage. Setting off fire extinguishers unnecessarily is pretty kooky, hey?
Maybe I could roll up a banner that says something about how immersed in the industry I am, such as ‘Interns are for mounting’ or ‘Life’s a pitch’. Do you think anyone will notice that I took those sayings from the zany stickers Net#work BBDO made last year? Ppl will probably shout ‘that’s been done before’ because they will be pretty bitter about my gold.
I could reinterpret a South African classic and do the Nik Nak man dance on stage to show ppl how I have an appreciation of all things local and retro. Hopefully the camera will zoom in on my Casio Gold Calculator watch that I got from ShelfLife, and really bring retro to life.
Maybe I should reinvent myself as a retro electronics brand? Is that more meaningful than strapping a retro electronics brand to your wrist? Sometimes 'always pushing for concept' is a lot of work.
Maybe I should be more subtle, and wear some Coverse High-Tops with a flouncy ballgown (a visual contradiction / irony / the tension of opposites), thereby telling ppl that even tho I win gold Loeries and wear ballgowns and shiz, I am still able to keep it real in my All Stars, while retaining township cred (important for a white girl).
I would have to practise my nonchalant shrug. Need to keep it real in my All Stars.
It’s all a bit much to think about right now. Maybe y’ulle have some cool gimmick ideas that you can send me, for which I won’t credit you but will use in order to advance my social standing and industry credibility. Mail me.
How to Not Keep It Real in your All Stars. For shame, this bro is a 90s surf brand, not a retro electronics brand.
Posted in advertising, Africa, creatives, fashion, innovation, office fun, personal branding, The Loerie Awards
Tagged accessories, advertising, agency christmas party, Cape Town, casio, copywriter, creative gimmick, electronics brand, gold calculator watch, how to keep it real, interns are for mounting, king james, life's a pitch, mybrandedlife, network bbdo, retro clothing, sharp, shelf life store, sneakers, sony, south africa, stage gimmicks, stickers, the law of attraction, The Loerie Awards, wear converse with ball gown, winning awards