Category Archives: arts and culture

Latest Single Release: Da Black Puma


Y’ulz I’m bored in da New SA
Got myself elected now I sit all day
Sippin’ on the Chivas in the Union Buildings
Got me all randy like a buckwild gelding
Hired all my homies now they owe my ass big
They be sippin’ on my juicies like a suckling pig
I ask for a car and they buy me a jag
I ask for cash I get a Louis Vuitton bag
I ask for a crib and they build me a castle
Coz dey love how I do it in dem leopard-skin tassles


I’m Zuma
Da Black Puma
I got’s a peen and I know how to use her
I’m Zuma
Da Black Puma
You wanna do it in the conference room-ah?



I got 5 wives and even more lives coz my dick don’t stick when I dip it like a knife
In the honeypots filled to da brim with AIDS
Guess it’s all true what my witchdoctor say
“Take dis tongue of frog and dis eye of newt
mix it all together throw da bitch in the boot
drive her off a cliff if she says you raped her
say ‘no comment’ when dey call da newspaper
You da Prez you can do what you wanna
Ok Maybe not da cliff just send her off to Ghana”



I’m Zuma
Da Black Puma
I got’s a peen and I know how to use her
I’m Zuma
Da Black Puma
You like my snazzy jazzy party costume-ah?


I been Prez one year so I’m kicking up a gear coz I got this old man Mandela in my ear
Says ‘Uphold the institution of the A – N – C
Less funky chicken, more AIDS policy’
Mandela-shmela-kwela dang dis geezer don’t stop
Kicked him out my office for my dawgs dat give me props
You don’t like my rules I piss you out like water
And when you not looking I be sticking it in your daughter


I’m Zuma
Da Black Puma
I got’s a peen and I know how to use her
I’m Zuma
Da Black Puma
I push my seed in your babygirl’s womb-a


Psychographic Profile: I am a 26-year old hipster

I am a 26-year old hipster
And just admitting that kills me.
My BFF ( we have matching gun tats) says I can pass for 24,
And if i get pissed enough to do a line & be a douche,
I can pass for 18,
Which is good enough for me,
Even though I have wrinkles around my eyes and mouth
From all the YSLs I smoked
To help me deal with my smoking hangover
After last night’s party at Assembly (yeah! whoo hoo! partay!)
(check me in those pics in weareawesome yeah i look f-ing cool bro, “if i say so myself”)

I am a 26-year old hipster
Just wish I could have been 25 for like 1 more month
Then Discovery wouldn’t have forced me 2 “take out my own hospital plan”
(“who can afford real med aid on my salary”)
Don’t even “earn a salary” (fuck that shit! still living off the money i saved as a ski instructor)
I’m my own agent, “fuck the man”
Got my own cre8ive street art flyer poster ideation band lab t-shirt co
Plus that awesome gig at the sneaker store (gets me such great exposure bro)
And my freelance illustration vibe
(Can always wait tables at Royale if everything fucks out)

I am a 26-year old hipster
And i just started getting these mouth ulcers (WTF???!1!)
Hope it’s not from that ‘Lebanese chick in the photos
Or one of her friends
(Can’t remember if I’ve done them or not, probably, I’ll do anything PS “fuck condoms, I’m white bro”)
SHould prob quit smoking
Just “can’t be arsed” and “I like smoking”
Plus my bitch mom keeps going on about my weed plants
Wish she’d “get off out of my case” and stop waking me up when she goes 2 work
doesn’t she get that I don’t WANT 2 work?
doesn’t she KNOW how shit cocaine makes you feel the next day?
Stupid bitch.
Gonna ‘have a nervous breakdown’ so she feels guilty bout shouting at me
“Just let me use your house like a hotel and STFU bitch!”
Garsh. I’ve “fucking had it”.

I am a 26-year old hipster
And no longer 25 (and therefore “youth”)
Kind of scared I am “over the hill”
Put on my skinny jeans and they were “more tight than usual” this morning
Made my peen “look small & all squashed 2 the side”
Hope my metabolism doesn’t “fail me now”
Might have 2 switch from coke 2 speed 2 lose the love handles
Maybe Stop smoking weed, those muchies are “killer”
Thinking of going back 2 Varsity College 2 “finish my IT degree” (lame!)
Just in case, you know, my mom dies & “leaves all her money 2 my super smart bitch sister”
Like I’d ever “work in IT”
Am meant for bigger things y’all
Hate my bitch mom and my sister

I am a 26-year old hipster
Wish this mouth f-ing ulcer would go away
Would see a doctor but was planning on spending that money on drinks specials at Assembly tonight
Gonna smoke a cigarette, doodle in my moleskin and think about it.
Maybe update my status in a way that “makes ppl worry” before i go back 2 bed.

Garsh.


Gonna bark at the New Moon

Whistlin’ a new tune

Hopin’ it will “come soon”

So that I can die.

Just kidding y’ulz. Always get soooo wrapped up in Nelly Furtado lyrics. Think it’s because she ‘sings pop with soul’ and let’s Timbaland drop his beats on her. Am actually referring to the New Moon movie, which I won tickets to (for realz. Just can’t stop the ‘winniness’ from taking over. Thanks to y’als at Exclusive Books for making my life a better place to blog about). Not sure if y’ulz have heard but vampires are ‘really big’ right now therefore it is imperative that i ‘incorporate vampiric cues into my personal brand’. Have y’ulz made an effort to “add a touch of vamp vibes” 2 your PB? Or are you more of a “down-to-earth stinking werewolf dog scum hippie” type of person? Not judging, it takes all liquorice allsorts. Y’all be pleased 2 know that I had some veneers fitted the other day that give me a ‘subtle touch of vamp’ without being too ‘in your face’. My denty had to “sand down the incisors” to get a proper fit, which will probably cause tooth issues that i need “like a hole in the head” in later life but whatevs. All that matters is “being cool right now”. Soooo glad y’all understand!

Y'ulz like my new dentals? Feel like this has really moved me into a "whole new sphere of relevance".

PS. If y’ulz would like to attend the New Moon Midnight Screening with me, send your best vampy pic to alex@mybrandedlife.com and I’ll basically pick the strongest 3 personal brands to be my “vamptourage”. Yes yes y’ulz!

the third coming

watch and learn y’ulz. WATCH AND LEARN.

WHAT IS THIS?

Y’ulz, went to Milnerton on the weekend. Was rly scary. Y’all ever been there? Wish someone had warned me. Went to “go fetch my ID book which was stolen 1.5 years ago and was found by an old lady in a Reader’s Digest in the pensions office in Milnerton”. Is that not the biggest mindfuck? Read it again: Went to “go fetch my ID book which was stolen 1.5 years ago and was found by an old lady in a Reader’s Digest in the pensions office in Milnerton”.

Mind. Fuck.

This is Milnerton. Frightening.

But more frightening even than this, is this THING I found. WHAT IS THIS? Found it outside the guest house next door to On The Rocks Restaurant. Thought it might be some Halloween fun but there was no reference to Halloween near it. Seriously y’ulz. WHAT IS THIS?:

Is it a tokoloshe? A "Zulu Orc"?

Let’s take a closer look.

WHAT IS THIS???

WHAT IS THIS???

I need to lie down.

Should I have won the Nobel Peace Prize?

Winners. Fierce.

Winners. Fierce.

As some of y’all know,  I’m quite a ‘winner’. I won a trip to Egypt yesterday (thank you Travelstart).  Just this year I have won an iPhone (thanks 2oceansvibe), a Gold Loerie (thanks to advertising), 100 Euro in the lottery (thanks Euromillions), a MiMoney voucher (thanks MiMoney), and now a ticket to Cairo. Don’t think I don’t know what y’all are thinking: Should I have won the Nobel Prize?

Barrys Beyonce-at-the-VMAs moment

Barry's Beyonce-at-the-VMA's moment

Would have been a ‘nice surprise’ since world peace and shizzle isn’t really my vibe but that’s cool. Figure it can’t be too diff from winning an iPhone in that ‘rad-my-life-is-kiff’ kind of way.

Do y’ulz think I’d make a good Nobel Peace Prize winner? Would be rad coz i could hang with De Klerk and Mandelabro and Tutu and now Bamarama. We could ‘drink Johnnie Blue’ and reminisce about ‘the struggles’ and ‘the triumph of the human spirit’. We could shoot the shit and fight over who plays us in our biopics. could add them all on facebook on the iPhone i won and keep deleting any recent activity that stops our new friendships from being at the top of my wall.


Dunno y’ulz. Rly think i should have won it. was probably ‘rigged’. happy Friday y’ulz.

“Just get a good shot of my ass on the way out.”

Watch. and. learn. Lady Gaga gives a press conference in Malta: