Psychographic profile: I am teh ghost of a dead blog

I am the ghost of a dead blog
booooo
did i scare u?
hope so. y’all woke me up from ‘the dreamless sleep’.
am pissed y’all. what do y’all think i died 4???
just want 2 die.
tired of bein ‘zany ‘n smart’.
is fun, but like, ‘u can’t be cool 4eva’ +
‘cool doesn’t pay da billz’ +
‘enjoy urself, take only what you need from it’
etc.
was kinda enjoying being dead.
is real peaceful.
no 1 to get all up in my facebook
no 3G here in hell

don’t hav 2 maintain ur personal brand (via being on fire all the time)
plus satan kinda keeeeeeeewl.
but now i went and ‘got all resurrected‘
by a ‘reputable publication‘ with a ‘niche-but-influential and educated readership’
(kinda wish it was heat magazine but whatevs)

i am the ghost of a dead blog.
boooOOOOOoooooo
gonna rattle my alexander mcqueen chain bags at u
keeping u up in the dark night of ur blog
feeling kinda vengeful
since when i was still alive
ppl were like, u r stupid
now i’m dead, ppl are like, u  were so like, clevs
“the blog artist’s value is only recognised posthumounguously”
isn’t it typical

“it’s like that, and that’s the way it is” – run dmc

don’t worry – not very vengeful. just l’il bit.
just gonna make ur light bulbs flicker some.
not gonna go polty on you. boooOOOOoo.

i am the ghost of a dead blog.
woke up coz i rolled in my grave
kinda just feel like we need to talk about ‘letting go’

did y’all get pissed at MJ when Thriller the song ends?
Do y’all get pissed when the movie u hired is finished?
stupid f-ing movie! u came to an end!

This is a meme joke. Do u get it?

did y’all get pissed at JK Rowling when she finished Harry Potter?
(ok so bad example. f-u JK. you got me hooked.)
NEwayz just trying to help you let go

This is a pooooOOOooetry joke. Do u get it?

boooOOOOOoooooooo

I am the ghost of a dead blog
was ‘summoned by the oujja board of journalistic truthful objective unbiased integritay’
never imagined dis blowgn thang would ‘get all intellectualised’
just wanted to be awesome y’ulz.
never dreamed my personal brand would have such ‘residual value attached to its key branding paradigm pillars of differentiation’.
kinda emotional about it.
(via wishing i was still dead)
there is only one feeling in hell (being burned)
sad, was just betterin my table tennis scores
was just getting 2 know satan (miss u bro. next time i see you PING PONG IS ON LIKE KING KONG!)

I am the ghost of a dead blog.
Gonna go ‘back 2 bed now’.
it was ‘nice chatting’.
off you go now to the new blog.
know that i am always with you.
am there in the new blog
though u cannot always see me.
if u look carefully, i am there.

am just ‘talking in a different accent’.
am just ‘trying on some new blogshoes’.
just ‘exploring a new personal sub-brand’.
da holding company stays da same. 4evs y’all. pinkie swear.

miss y’ulz.
love y’ulz.
h8 y’ulz.
ditto.

MyBrandedRetrospective part 2

Ah Y’ulz. All teary-eyed this morning. Was remembering that one time, at Brand Camp. Miss y’ulz. Kinda reminds me of when Jupies sold out to WPP which made me first consider ‘selling my personal brand’. And now I have actually gone and sold my PB – 2 think that it was ‘once just a dream’. Just not gonna tell y’ulz who ‘who the new shareholders of MBLTM trading as something else’ are 4 fear of being ‘ripped off by a sarky brat ad blogger’. Wonder if I will maintain my ‘quality of humour’, or if ‘going commercial’ will ‘water me down’ to something ‘lots of ppl like’, like a Citi Golf. Which reminds me of when i wanted 2 ‘sue my parents 4 not buying me a citi golf’. Well what do they expect. Poeses. Gonna complain about it on my GBuzz (the zazzy new program that is like ‘what Googlewave was s’posed 2 be’). Remember Googlewave? And how you ‘needed an invite 2 use it’ when rly ‘you needed a degree in GoogleHype 2 use it’. Ah y’ulz. Y’alls faces gettin’ wet yet? So wet y’ulz. Wet 4 you.

Movie Night y’als!

Sometimes, in this weird world just filled with people looking to ‘take down your personal brand’ a little light shines in the darkness (via an email Subject: Delivery at Reception. ta). And the delivery turns out to be a box of DVDs, some of which were designed specifically for OCD home-consumption (for eg. Flashdance starring Jennifer Beale as “Alex Owens” in the 1983 hit). Did y’als know I was born in 1983? I haven’t even watched Flashdance. I have a feeling (What a feeling!) it’s gonna change my (branded) life 4 eva y’als.

What. A. Feeling. Y. 'ulz.

 

But that’s  not all. Cleverly, there were a selection of movies, each ‘strategically chosen to represent the core values that represent the Women’s Health brand and how it relates 2 its consumers via demonstrating its relevance via each movie strategically chosen to represent the core values that represent the Women’s Health brand and how it relates 2 its consumers via demonstrating its relevance via each movie strategically chosen to represent the core values that represent the Women’s Health brand and how it relates 2 its consumers via

Whoa

Did you see wha just happened there?

UR brand 4 eva

I just made an infinity loop with a positioning statement leading into a USP. I am basically an “Ad Escher bro” “trapped in a never-ending world of targeted touchpoints”. Jees Y’als. Thought this post was gonna be about something simple, like MOVIES. Welcome 2 da night train bros.

Can almost smell this y'ulz

Back to the point: yesterday the heavens opened and the skies rained down

Movies y'als!

Super amped about all this. Not kidding when I say the only one of these I’ve actually seen is The Notebook & Something About Mary (1983 remember…) basically had a life-changing experience last night when I watched Breakfast At Tiffany’s and I found out the lead character is a ‘lady of the night’ - did y’als know that? Thought it ironic that an image of a woman who has ‘become synonymous with class’ is actually a ‘portrait of a prozzie bro’. Love the world y’ulz, always filled with surprisies!

Anyways just wanted 2 say thanks to Woman’s Health for the gift. Getting a box of movies was enough to make me ‘seriously consider reading your mag’ (via reading it). Actually read the whole thing and have also changed my leg routine to Backwards Thigh Extensions over Lunges & Squats which is what I have been doing to keep my thighs in Beyonce, all based on the nifty tear-outs. Thanks y’als. Thanks thanks.

Thanks

Thanks

Thanks thanks thanks (via tangling my hand up in my shirt while blogging this)

Signed the last ever Citi Bro.

Feel like I can *finally* be a part of this very NB branded coming-of-age ritual now that my name is on the last Citi Golf eva.

Can y'ulz see my message?

Thought long and hard for 7 days and 7 nights about what I should write on the very last Citi Golf ever and came up with this: (just steady yourself)

“Miss you Citi Bro xxx”

Feel like this is the face of the words that could sink a thousand ships. I mean them Citi Bro. Pity we never really got to ‘be bros’ 4 real. At least I get 2 miss u. 4 eva.

What am I down with?

Hey y’ulz. What l’il symbol shall I stick on my twavatar so ppl know what I’m down with?

As y’al know, I have a very carefully sculpted personal brand. Some might even call it a ‘work of art’. I have a dream, it looks like this:

Anyways been noticing that some of y’ulle have small l’il symbols on ur twitter avatars, & since I don’t have one I’ve been feeling like a ‘tard who missed the adoption curve bus and now has to lie in this bed of mud that I’m stuck in because I made it’. y’all ever feel like that? Kind of felt like that when everyone was hamming around in shutter shades and my sunglasses were all lame and ‘complete’. Never want that to happen again.

Hate having to overcompensate.

Decided to check out my options:

1. Can put a green filter on my avatar to show that I am ‘socially conscious & aware’ of the bad things happening ‘in the east’ and if you’re a political bro who knows that ‘liberal’ doesn’t actually mean ‘drinking a lot and having sex with ur friends’ then I am ‘down to fuck’ with you.

2. Can put a pink ribbon on my avatar to ‘show my support for breast cancer research’, probably because someone ‘close to me’ has died or suffered from the ‘scourge of the millennium’. Wouldn’t mind this but worried it will reveal that I don’t get that ‘cancer is what happens when u repress ur emotions’ & that enlightened ppl will mutter ‘go work in a soup kitchen’ under their breaths like that poster about how design is cancer.

Wish design didn't cause cancer y'all.

3. Can put a Silicone Cape twavatar but this will make me look like a ‘tard who didn’t read the part in Outliers about how pioneers don’t move in flocks’, but not rly sure anyone actually ‘read’ all of Outliers because it was a pile of crap.

Unique. Just like everybody else.

This is not going to be an easy decision. Can someone make me a penis symbol? Might as well tell people that ‘I like the cock’, if nothing else. Feel like I should probably address basics before I get onto lofty things like politics, disease and religion. Forward me any suggestions. Peace y’ulz.

Should I make a giant inflatable blog?

As y’all know, I’m rebranding. Today I’m asking myself whether I should be exploiting some sort of gimmick to ‘attract readers driving past’. I got this idea when somebody tweeted about a ‘brilliant piece of MacDonald’s advertising’, which was just a streetpole that had been dressed to look like a giant McD’s coffee pot pouring coffee into a giant McD’s coffee cup. Should I get a giant inflatable version of my blog and tie it to the roof of Wembley Square?

Click here for fun.

Maybe an over-sized vagina? (just to prove to y’all I’m not a man)

notahermie.blogspot.com

Employing this kind of gimmick ‘flies in the face of convention you fools!’. It says that even though I have been educated about what is and isn’t good advertising, I’m still going to go with the gimmick because ‘it attracts attention’ and will ‘drive footfall through my blog store’ and ‘has talkability’ and ‘will generate an instant reaction’. Guess I will just have to binge on fast food to ‘make myself forget’ that I have sacrificed the integrity of my blog brand for a moment’s attention. No matter – y’all are reading this, right?

Load of crap. Really big one.

I guess the twitter equivalent of getting a giant inflatable blog and tying it to Wembley Square would be tweeting something like ‘Look at my newly waxed vagina’ and then posting a link to this post. Might just do that to ‘prove my point’, even though my readers will be annoyed at being misled for such an averagely interesting post on ‘ethics and integrity in advertising’ on my journey towards a total rebrand. Sorry y’all. Just wanted 2 be loved. Just wanted you to ‘boost my pageviews’ which is the blog equivalent to ‘driving volume’ in the  FMCG world that is online consumer-created content (ie. blogs).  Feeling a bit confused. Maybe I need to ‘hire a consultant’ to guide me in this rebranding process and bleed me dry while telling me stuff I already know. Is there anyone y’all can recommend?

Psychographic Profile: I am a Client Looking To Capitalise On Social Media

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
To be honest, I don’t know WTF I’m doing.
Went to some talk,
Where there was some chick,
Talking about ‘conversations not campaigns’,
She made some good points ,
She was quite hot,
Think I’m just gonna start a facebook group and ‘see how it goes’.

Back in 'Advertising's Heyday'. Miss u

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media ,
I just joined this site called ‘Twitter’.
Have y’all heard of it?
Not really sure what the point is,
It’s kind of like I’m talking to myself,
“Just trying to get the hang of this Twitter thing”.
I got my first follower today,
Some chick who sells Britney Spears Sex Tapes,
Guess everyone’s trying to ‘push their brand’ on Twitter,
Everyone’s an entrepreneur on the internet.

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I’m fucking sick of these little social media brats
Who come into my office with their ‘netbooks’,
And their “keynote”,
And their mobile marketing statistics,
And get their buddies to ‘tweet at me’,
And tell me ‘agencies don’t get digital’.
You know what agencies DO get? Sales.
These little social media brats know nothing about business,
About the bottom line,
Show me my ROI you little shits,
And then I’ll assign you a PO,
You little brat.
I’ve fucking built a branded empire,
And you’ve built a blog.
I’d buy and sell your blog tomorrow,
Except all you blog about is social-fucking-media.
Fuck.

Do you know who I am?

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
But I’m not into this whole ‘logging in’ thing.
Besides facebook is blocked at my office,
Because my staff spend too much time on it
When they should be focusing on their targets.
Can’t I just pay you to do it for me?
Can’t you just start a facebook group?
Can’t I pay you to write my blog? Can’t be too much work?
Or what are these new things? ‘Fan pages’.
My son says ‘fan pages’ are the new thing.
Yes, my son keeps me up to date with this ‘social media stuff’
He’s 14, so he’s very in touch with ‘what’s cool’.
He also hates my guts so our family shrink recommended we ‘bond over his love for technology’.
Can you do my facebook page?

Sure I'll run your blog.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
I’m sick of spending too much money on TV ads,
Only to be outdone by our competitor brands ,
Who spent double on their TV ad,
Sucks.
Just wanted be named the Sunday Times Markinor Marketer of the Year,
So decided 2 do a ‘viral campaign’,
Hired that Zany New Media Social Word of Marketing company,
They came up with this social media ‘touchpoint plan’,
But some chick reported us to twitter.
Said we were “spamming” her.
Guess we got a little overzealous with the DMs,
Just wanted to get to a million followers soooooo bad.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I am scared.
The race is on for a best practise model,
And I have no fucking clue how to develop one.
Should have stayed in sales,
At least I got a commission,
This is just a mission,
Gonna go get lunch and stuff myself since I gave up smoking and drinking after my 1st bypass.
So scared y’all,
So scared.

Hello?

What I’ve been working on.

I’ve had a few complaints in the last week that I’m not updating enough. Well, I’ve been busy with some very important work. Like such:

Taking advantage of the first beach-friendly days of the season.

Getting out my short-shorts and working out how to use my fish-eye lens with my iPhone.

Watching my boyfriend play with his dog.

Finding the right shade of red lipstick for my complexion.

Ambushing friends’ birthday photos with peace signs.

Taking photos of friends while they are mid-sentence.

Making my friends wear this gimmicky bird-purse on their arms.

And now you know. So quit whingeing and understand that some people have to work for a living, and that we are not all living the holiday.

Should I take out Personality Insurance?

Hey yulle. Been a little concerned lately that I am ‘slightly offensive’ to some ppl. My mom tells me I am funny and that ‘I shouldn’t change my blog for anyone’ but I’m not sold. Am pretty sure there’s a point at which I will offend the fans who LOL at my Psychographic Profiles at some time or other, and then it will just be me, writing and eating chicken wraps, thinking of ‘the good old days when ppl liked me & gave me iPhones and clicked on my links’.

Been looking at some case studies to establish best practice in Personality Insurance strategies. Found this to be pretty true:

Based on Alex’s Celebrity Study 2009 © one can pretty much conclude that ‘parading around telling people you believe in Jesus’ will allow you to get away with being a total sluttard (totally coined a new word).

Miss Montag. One of my heroes. And the hero of most ambitious young women out there.

Same study also says that ‘lording around as if you own the place, when you do own the place (and own other places)’ will allow you to get away with being a sluttard.

My runner up hero. I respect her because she came from nothing and earned everything she has herself.

Since I don’t really own anything and am more into ‘being given stuff’ I may have to go the Jesus route. What do y’uls think? Does Jesus suit my hair colour? Is it a rad scene? Does my personal brand allow for something like a ‘religious sub-brand’? Will I be cannibalizing my own brand by taking out personality insurance? What does my brand bible say about this?

Hmm. Does anyone know if Jesus is real? Maybe they can test it on Mythbusters or something. That would be a rad episode. To conclude, I drew a graph.

Some insights for your next strategic meeting.

Until Mythbusters proves Jesus is real I’m just gonna sit tight on my Personality Insurance application. Have any of y’ulle got a better deal than being Christian or rich? Should I call the hippo on TV and let it ‘find me the best quote’ for Personality Insurance? Wish it wasn’t so complicated. Feels like the Personality Insurance industry is pretty stuck in the dark ages. Someone tell them to ‘get on twitter’.

brand advertising needs your help.

bummer guys. 2/3 of some americans think us people in advertising caused the Economic Meltdown. that’s harsh. according to this study, people think we tricked them into buying things they can’t afford. sheesh. i guess we did / do. oops.sorry! but we didn’t think y’ulle would believe us about everything. this study also says that 55% of normal people – that non-advertising types – think that advertising is ‘glamourous’. at least we have that. we’ll always have glamour, darlings.

anyways don’t you think we should be doing some damage control, as an industry? we need to convince people that they can trust us, and more importantly, that we are not responsible for the recession. let’s have a quick brainstorm here.

-    how about we donate a bunch of money / free studio time to a charity and then publicise it (trade exchange)
-    how about we petition to pass a bylaw that says anyone who complains about an advert has to have a go at making a new one from scratch (outcomes based problem-solving)
-    how about we make a TV ad about how all the ad agencies got together to get a fake leg made for Lucky the Cheetah in the VW ad (be seen as ‘giving back’, eco-friendly, green, community-upliftment, etc)
-    how about we make a ‘fun, tongue-in-cheek reality show’ about a creative team (copywriter and art director) who are always drunk, and call it ‘Ad Fab’.

An Exciting New Comedy.

-    Shall we ‘set up a twitter account’ for the advertising industry in general. The username could be ‘Advertising’. We could twitter quotes about great ads all day, interspersed with quotes about family, and the pursuit of happiness and virtue. (ambient branding – in the background, kind of annoying but then sometimes really makes you think).

Shall we make a facebook application that gives a ‘Quote for the Day’ from the Ad Fab Show. Stuff like,

‘Sweetie darling, just do it, darling, just do it, sweetie.’

-    Shall we set up a Fan Page on facebook and suggest it to all our friends. I’ll bet they’ll just love advertising by then, since it’s pretty much embedded itself into their whole lives. Yay.

Brainstorming.

The public likes competence right? Getting awards does redeem us, right?

We work very hard to understand our clients (and the public).

Just another day at the office.

Do you have suggestions or ideas you have to improve the perception ‘normal people’ have of us? Are there any agencies out there who would like to take this on as a pro-bono ‘opportunity’. Am quite partial to this reality vibe. I think it makes advertising more accessible to the public, and that the characters would be ‘likeable’. What yos thank?

ode to an old retail giant

saw this on vonbrandis’s photo stream and it brought barbie streisand alive in my mind singing that song ‘Memories’:

the OK bazaar reminds me of a simpler time:

Like that one time we stopped off in that small town
on the way to/from a holiday
We realized that towns in South Africa are not like the cities
Nobody is ‘deadline-driven’
Most people are ‘dop-system’ driven,
Hanging around on the pavements
Outside the OK Bazaars.

Long before Mr Price,
And a little before the glory-days of Game
(5 chocolates for the price of 2),
We could sit around on pavements, ‘dreaming of London’,
Buying Blush magazine, crème-soda and candied almonds
From the OK Bazaars.

You’d go there to get your new school shoes
And your pressed polyester school dress / shirt / shorts
They offered not only Tough-ees,
But also a cheaper alternative with nicer tear-drops
And thicker soles,
There, at the OK Bazaars.

Then along came Hyper-Rama
With their hey-days and their black-and-white knockouts,
Zany Charlie Chaplin vibes,
And then their hey-day would come back again,
And again,
And again.
And then there was Game,
So pink, so black,
And everybody just forgot
About the OK Bazaars.

voting special: MyBrandedVoteTM

Nando's work by Black River JHB (thanks @thecopyninja)

Nando’s goodness (via 10and5), not forgetting this ad ripping of Julius Malema (head of the ANC Youth League, famous for using Hitler as inspiration for his personal brand).

That’s apparently done by a small agency called Stick. URL anyone? We’re still waiting for Julius Malema to ‘take militant action’ against Nando’s.  And then there’s this fantastic collection of election posters also at 10and5 (check it out, it’s hilarious) where you can see this ‘good shepherd’:

"I need a hug."

and many many more, all here.

this one time (at brand camp)

We made hats and we 'lived the brand'/

I’m going to go to brand camp
i’m going to room with my account manager
we are going to ‘break boundaries’
between creative and suits
we are going to make it about the work
we are going to live the brand (at brand camp)

we are going to catch each other
and build physical trust
that will translate into superior  advertising (Grand Clio Loerie Lion Prix)
happier volume-driven clients
and a richer boss with a better car (R8)
together
the brand will live through us (at brand camp)

going to go to brand camp
going to ‘overdo it a little’ at dinner
going to confide in my boss about how I went to therapy for cutting myself
and in the heat of the moment believe we have ‘transcended the system’
but just pretend it never happened in the morning
and sit on the opposite sides of the bus (leaving brand camp)

going to go away to brand camp
going to ‘workshop brand messaging’
and ‘redefine strategic parameters’
going to outline an ‘actionable plan’ with which to ‘penetrate the market’
going to draw a lot of diagrams on big white sheets of paper
and tear them off and stick them on the walls (at brand camp)

going to go away to brand camp
going to get flirty with someone inappropriate
and play down his marriage
so I can get a promotion, or just not get retrenched

going to go away to brand camp
going to find myself through the brand
going to live the brand
and let the brand live through me
going to discover myself at brand camp
that one time (at brand camp).

Do y’ulle know enough about me?

Been educating myself, doing night courses and reading books by Seth Godin. Am worried that my target audience ‘can’t get enough of me’. The new branding rules dictate that I should make every part of my brand available to all my consumers across all touchpoints, and once I’ve built it, ‘they will come’. Y’ulle know you can follow my every move on twitter, right? Is that not enough?

“No matter how many battles I been in and won

No matter how many magazines on my nuts

No matter how many MC’s I eat up

Ooh ooh, it’s never enough” – Eminem

Been considering adopting contemporary strategies to amplify my consumer touch-points, such as filling in ’25 random things you didn’t know about me’ and telling y’ulle to forward it on to everyone you know. Would that be enough for you? Would filling your inbox with the minutae of my minutae make you feel ‘connected and close’ to me?

Maybe I’ll randomly search Wikipedia pages and google images and then tag y’ulle in ‘Album Artwork’. Because random images with random words on them is totally the coolest, raddest most innovative innovation ever, right? And doing it will totally make us better friends / give you more ownership of my personal brand. Wish I’d thought of it first.

Or maybe I’ll answer questions using my iTunes music playlist, and then tag y’ulle in it so I get to brag about my enlightened taste in music AND talk about myself for 10 pages (if you paste the email into MSWord).

“More and more and more” – some techno band from the 90s

Should I make a facebook app that y’ulle can spam your friends with? I will call it MyBrandedCircleofTopFriendsTM©® and if you add it I’d basically own you and spam you with facts like ‘Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla’. <3 owning stuff, is my best. <3 vanilla.

And even if you find 25 random facts about me annoying, you can always sympathise with how desperate I am to be ‘unique’ and how desperate I am for you to see me as your higly unique and interesting friend, that I’d  FWD you an excuse to talk about myself and my enlightened musical choices that include radiohead, MGMT, crystal castles, Perfect Circle, CSS and that guitar dude from Deep Purple whose new album is called something like Professor Snatchifunkius or something.

Whatever y’ulle. You just let me know if you need more random, narcissistic info disguised as a friendship-bond-building exercise. I understand if it’s ‘never enough’. BFFs 4 eva y’ulle. 4eva is not enough.

“Gimme gimme more, gimme more, gimme gimme more,” – Britney Jean Spears

Just want y'ulle to be okay with how much you 'know me'. Want to be there for y'ulle. Want us 2 engage meaningfully at all strategic touchpoints. Want my POS to be like a warm hand in the night. Want my visibility to be visible.

product name generation 101

Lots more genius here.