Category Archives: cellular

Whacky Wednesday – free consumer insight: get yours NOW! (use it, don’t use it, whatever)

If you work for a bank / cellular service provider, please copy and paste this post into a mail and allstaff it. It’s cheaper than paying some market research company to do it, and it’s also more honest. Here are some observations, insights and recommendations:

If you call me from a private number, I assume you are cold-calling me from some cellular service provider / bank, which is the communication equivalent to being woken up in the middle of a night by a naked bald guy jerking off over my face.

Unfortunately, repeat offenders have forced me to put some drastic measures in place, which include stating very clearly on my voicemail that if you are calling from a private number, I WILL NOT answer, unless you send me an SMS telling me who you are, and why you are calling, and give me a number on which to return your call. This is not open to negotiation.

This applies not only to private numbers, or ‘blocked’ numbers, as they appear on the iPhone, but also goes for any number that I do not have in my address book and hence do not recognize via Caller Line ID. Why so tense, you might ask?

Because if you are not one of my nearest and dearest, I do not want to speak to you. If you are going to try and get me to buy something, I do not want to speak to you. If I want to buy something you have, I will find you – don’t you worry. If you exist in the peripheries of my life ie. you are my bank consultant, the dude from my gym who wants to check if I’m still taking part in the triathlon or the chick from the spa who wants to confirm my massage this weekend, you have TWO options when it comes to contacting me: email me, or SMS me. I will reply. I will be nice, courteous and pleasant to deal with.  We can still have a meaningful, productive relationship – just not over the phone.

(Whomever the retarded person was who phoned me SEVEN times from a private number yesterday, what is going through your brain? Which part of my voice message do you not understand? Why do you think phoning me again will make me answer? Do you not read 2oceansvibe?)

***********************PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION NOW*******************************


Lastly, but not leastly, do not EVER send me a Please Call Me. The last friend who sent me a Please Call Me is no longer a friend. So why on earth, bank-who-shall-not-be-named (you know who you are) do you think sending me a Please Call Me is going to convince me that you have any kind of understanding of me as a consumer or my needs? Getting a Please Call Me from a bank takes cellular rape to a whole new level. There really was nothing left to do but, well, call the number on my screen. Of course, I didn’t know the Please Call Me was from a bank until I called.

A transcript of my conversation with person from Big Bank that Everyone Knows.

A transcript of my conversation with person from Big Bank that Everyone Knows.

UN-f-ing-BELIEVABLE.

I’m feeling benevolent, so I’m not posting the name of the bank here, but if you’re shopping around for a new bank and would like to know who NOT to go with, drop me a mail and I’ll gladly tell you.

iPhone crashed. as did my heart.

hey y’uls. my iPhone crashed last night. so i slit my wrists and lay down in the bath, waiting to die. boyfriend found me.

BF:  “Baby! Why are you covered in food colouring?”
Me:  “My iPhone crashed. I can’t even Google how to fix it.”
BF:  “You must be overtired. I’ll Google it.”
Fiddles with his very old but very trusty Nokia.
BF:  “You just have to hold down the sleep and the home button.”
Holds down buttons.
BF:  “There. See? It’s fine now. All phones crash, baby. It happens.”
Me:  “Not to the iPhone. I don’t want this one anymore. It’s broken. It’s dirty. Want a new one.”
BF:  “Don’t be silly. It’s fine now. What were you doing when it crashed?”
Me:  “Was trying to tweet a Flickr pic from a blog post. What’s the point in having an iPhone if I can’t multitask on it? Might as well have a 3310.”
BF:  “Don’t be ridiculous. You need some sugar. Have a guava.”

And so it went.

Srsly. Has this happened to you? Do y’ulle know whether there’s a support group I can join to talk about how this has affected me? I know that there are 7 stages of dealing with an iPhone crash.

Last night I was in 1&2&3, then I skipped all the way to 7.5 (Hope) and am Hoping there is a way to skip through all of these to 5 and stay there (via being part of instant gratification generation). Don’t really want to work hard for anything that isn’t depositing $$ into my account (via pragmatism and materialism and over-inflated sense of self-worth), even if that thing was free and is coveted by all my associates / friends (iPhone).

Think this’ll probably become one of the great unifying questions of the 21st century.

Where were you when your iPhone first crashed? – Alex van Tonderator

Like, Where were you when you heard Princess Diana slept with a Muslim?


Where were you when you heard that Kung Fu Panda became the President of South Africa?

I’m here for you y’ulle. Just know that you will heal, eventually.

In prison. These are my memoirs.

Hey y’ulle. Bet some of y’all are thinking I’ve been very quiet for someone who gets free stuff for writing a load of crap about brands on her blog. I have been quiet, but not by choice. I might be killed for saying this, but I’m being held captive by Vodacom’s 3G “service”.

See, I took out a contract thinking having Internet at home would mean 2 things: a) more time at work to focus on winning a Grand Black Lion Eagle Canned Loerie Award at work and b) more time to focus on bringing my 70 billion or so readers a better blog, filled with truth disguised as semi-illiterate irony within the context of my life as an attention-seeking copywriter with a god-complex (ie the ‘Everyman of Advertising’).

Alas, alack, my good intentions are half-way to hell by now, as is the soul of Vodacom, for selling me a service that doesn’t actually exist. Dear readers, you’ll notice a prominent lack of ‘funny pictures’, links and my trademark random pink, orange and green word-colouring in this post, and for that I apologize. They don’t allow a full-service WYSIWYG editing suite here in prison. It’s just me, my iPhone and the WordPress app. It’s cold, and there are rat apps gnawing at my feet apps. Where is my god now?

I’m going to try and blog once more tomorrow. I doubt Vodacom will let me. They’ve already confiscated the razor blades I was going to use to terminate our contract. Not really sure what the point of living without blogging is. Might have to think it through in another low-Fi blog post. MTN, Cell C – if you’re Reading this, please, send help. Destroy this blog post after Reading it. And tell my Mom I love her.

I wait with hope,
Alex

On the topic of calling from a private number.

I simply cannot say it better than Seth does from 2oceansvibe. Standard Bank, I’m talking to you. I know you need to reach me so I can fill out this and collect that. But I’m not going to answer your private number. I don’t care if I never get my new credit card. Really, I don’t.

And to those friends of mine who insist on taking off their caller IDs because I don’t take their calls every time they phone, you are pretty much the reason I have stopped answering my phone completely. You have spoilt it for everyone.

Seriously, y’ulle. I’m a busy person. My hair smells like rich mahogany. Why can’t you just send a text message?

Phoning someone: totally arb.

Phoning someone: totally arb.

why is vodacom’s Summer Loving ad such a success?

All the boys and all the girls want to If You Seek Amy.

"All the boys and all the girls want to If You Seek Amy."

because deep down inside, every woman wishes she was Sandy, and every guy wishes he was the character that John Travolta played. Danny? deep stuff. consumer insight 101. makes me want to reconsider what strategy means to me. sometimes i think strategy – a process put in place to safeguard a brand’s image – can inflict some sort of body dysmorphia on the brand it’s supposed to be working for.

i’ll bet the vodacom meerkat was right on strategy, even though it destroyed a nation’s hopes and dreams, stole our collective democratic innocence and obliterated our basic understanding of what separates right from wrong. sometimes i think we should do a little less thinking and building of complicated charts and do a little more feeling. a little more basic observations. a little more ‘duh’.

How to tell if you’re in control of strategy ie. strategy is not in control of you:

Place the word ‘duh’ behind your observations / positioning statements / SWAT analyses / consumer promise. if the sentence makes sense, then you’re in control of strategy, not the other way round. for example:

Statement 1: Everyone wants to be Sandy and Danny in Grease. Duh. Brilliant. Makes complete sense.

Statement 2: Consumers do not know what they need until you tell them they need it to assauge their lack of brand alignment with target focus of the specified demographic that the product fulfills like no other. Duh. Makes no sense at all.

You could hide the lack of sense making in a strategic diagram or chart. This is a dark art. Does anyone know who the hippest strat chart producer is at the moment? Success of your chart depends very much on whether your powerpoint producer is flavour of the month. my advice to you would be to insist on working with ‘the Timbaland of .ppt’ and accept no less. there is no point in compromising when it comes to charts. you’ve got to ask yourself whether you want to play in the big leagues or not.

Does this make you feel alive? Blame it on the boogie.

Does this make you feel alive? Blame it on the boogie.

CiBiPi - i think ive found the name for my new electro label.

CiBiPi - i think i've found the name for my new electro label.

My brain is round and swirly like a shell. I am smart, you should do everything i tell you to do.

My brain is round and swirly like a shell. I am smart, you should do everything i tell you to do.

I have used a lot of green because i love animals.

I have used a lot of green because i love animals.

This last chart contains the secrets to the universe. Do not let it get into the hands of those who cannot control their powers ie. Sylar.

This last chart contains the secrets to the universe. Don't show Sylar.

wow. totally got distracted by some riveting charts. i was thinking of blowing a few of these up to A2 and getting them block mounted in my house. anyway, well done to whomever made the decisions on Summer Loving. that police lady shaking her boobies was the best thing to happen to my TV since i stopped watching TV way back in the late nineties.

stickers for The Grid seen around Gardens

The Grid is the new location-based social networking application for your cellphone. if you’re not on it, go to www.onthegrid.com to check it out. i’ve been seeing these little orange stickers all around town and managed ot get a few close-ups – pretty similar to the blips (virtual notes) you can leave around town on the grid.

gridsticker1

gridsticker2

gridsticker3

free idea: the ‘I’ve lost my cellphone’ facebook app

what it does when you add it: trawls all your friends’ profiles who’ve listed them numbers and puts them in a list for you. sends those who have a little box that allows them to drop their number in.

no more joining silly groups and wondering, ‘does this person who has lost their cellphone again really WANT me to send their number since we are more friendly acquaintances than friends?’ .

MTN, Vodacom, Cell C, Virgin – this one’s for you.