Category Archives: facebook

The pizza budget’s been cut

Check out this spoofy short film that demonstrates that Yahoo! understands ‘why cre8ives in advertising get jaded & go live on farms in the country’. It’s “funny because it’s true”. Originally seen on Chris Rawlinson’s fabulous site.

My latest business venture

Y’ulz, I am an entrepreneur. Did y’ulz know that? Sometimes I can’t ‘touch you’ via blogging because I am ‘running this town tonight’.

N E wayz…


I hav a dream. And that dream is to cre8 my vry own facebook appy. It will be called FUCKVILLE, and its appeal is quite logical y’all. Basically, various small, lonely animals will wonder in and out of your fbook profile, and you will be offered the chance 2 ‘fuck them’.

A screenshot of how the average user will interface with Fuckville.

What do y’als think? Am basically pitching it to my VC bros as ‘the ultimate facebook app, a rollercoaster ride of sex, sheep and fuckery’. Think it’ll be a hit y’ulle? Am going to do a spot market research poll (for my FLYSWAT analysis later, pls leave your answer as a comment):

Will FUCKVILLE be a hit appy?

a) You’re a fucking genius Alex. Fucking fuck.

b) Of course it will. You can make an app out of anything and the laggards on the facebook adoption cycle will lap it up because they’re lower middle-class worker ants who drive third-hand hatchbacks and aspire to being head supervisor at the forklift company and playing Fuckville will allow them to ‘take back their time’ (via looking like they’re working)

c) No ways. Fucking sheep is sooooo 2000-and-late

d) If you release this app into the armies of spammy app-lapping tards on facebook I will kill myself and leave this blog post open on my laptop so ppl know why I did it.

e) There is already an app like this, except they call ‘fucking’ “farming”. Perhaps the similarity is intentional?


Appreciate your help on my individual journey to entrepreneurial greatness. If you would like the once-in-a-lifetime chance 2 be a part of this ‘sure thing’ y’als can drop me a comment telling me the top 5 ‘animals people like 2 fuck’ & I will get back 2 you based on the acumen displayed in your insights. Thanks 4 helping me ‘work night and day’ 2 make the internet ‘a more fun place’ for y’ulz.

Are there beggars ‘fucking everywhere’?

Can you spare some of your online influence?

Y’ulz, this is a srs post. Sometimes I feel, when am driving my Bugatti thru the streets of ‘the most beautiful city in the world’ (Gardens), that there are beggars ‘fucking everywhere’. Think I am kind of over winding down my window BEFORE they approach 2 tell them 2 ‘lean on some other car like that Polo’. FFS y’ulle.

You'd better wash that stump b4 u click on my profile

And as if having to ‘decline stealing from myself 2 give 2 the poor’ on a daily basis is not painful enough, some beggar walked up to my window on facebook 2day (via an internal fbook email) and begged for me to ‘just go to this page and scroll down to the photo of the yam and like it, but don’t open the photo and like the photo, just like the link or it wont count as a vote, so I can win a free yamboat’.
Maybe just send this pic of my child 2 ur mailing list
Y’ulle can imagine my reply.
No, y’ulle actually can’t because I used a word I made up.

I said:

“Fangbags! Did u rly just send me this??????? H8 u.”

Maybe u can fwd round your office or summin.
Srsly. Are there beggars ‘fucking everywhere’? Gonna write my next pro-bono article for the Big Issue about the beggar endemic. Have ‘had it in chunks’. What are y’ulz feelings about this topical issue? Has our social networking society ‘gone 2 the dogs tonight’? is fbook ‘the new Zim’?

Sick of ppl underestimating me.

Im more than just an art director, okay.

I'm more than 'just an art director' okay.

Look. I’ve decided to GMFST (Get My Fucking Shit Together). Have had enough sitting in the corner being ‘the agency’s quirky designer who knows online’. I’m gonna develop my niche and show my employers I know my shit. Gonna campaign for a promotion, and gonna do that by sending out mails about ‘measuring social media’ to make the older ppl in the agency shit their pants and realise how invaluable I am.

Step 1: Scour some sites for relevant articles. Maybe follow some links on twitter.
Step 2: Copy gist of article into a mail and provide a link, knowing no one will click the link and will assume I wrote the article even tho I di’int.
Step 3: Send to allstaff with Subject that makes most people in agency feel like they don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, and don’t want to know, hence will recommend me to be responsible for anything vaguely related to social media.
Step 4: Get raise.

Ill never be afraid. Not even of the nasty writers who reply to my mails saying Im a dupe.

I'll never be afraid. Not even of the nasty writers who reply to my mails saying I'm a conartist.

Cha-ching bitches! (Just did a SIM-Alexa-Twitta-rater test on this approach and it gets a 9.5 score on the fuck-me-I’m-smart scale). PS. Don’t think I’m gonna sit on facebook executing the lame-ass campaign I came up with, just FYI. Best you hire an intern or something. I’m headed out of nowhereville going straight to the top of this food chain (that’s what the quiz I did on facebook says – you can quote it if you like). PPS. Now that I’m a social media hot-shot, don’t expect me to hang out with y’all ‘traditional creatives’ at Loeries any more. I’ve moved on.

How should I tell people about my Loerie finalists?

Hey y’ulz. Been quiet because I like to build up a little anticipation. Plus I have this new job working for free as an intern running a social media campaign for some big brand (because I was cheaper than that social media guru who ppl think is ‘out to make a quick buck’).

Anyway, got some Loerie finalists and was wondering how I can tell everyone I know about my Loerie finalists without coming across as complete fucking tard. Though call. Basically these are my options:

1. tell my boyfriend / best friend via private msg and hope they post a ‘CONGRATZ ON UR LOERIE FINALISTS’ post on my fbook wall / twitter / blog

2. pretend to be disappointed and tweet ‘only got 20 Loerie finalists am soooo bummed was aiming for 35 FML want 2 die’ and  wait for the ‘wow that’s amazing what’s wrong with you, you over-achiever’ comments to fly

3. update my facebook status to read: “Alex hopes her Loerie finalists convert but is ultimately happy because she has done some really good, solid advertising this year, which is what it is all about, ultimately. Thank you Jesus.”

4. Congratulate everyone I know on their finalists on Twitter in the hope that they will say ‘Did you get any finalists’ to which I can reply ‘Oh, not many, just 20. But whatever, holding thumbs you win!’

5. Loudly say stuff like ‘fuck awards, what a joke, how can you measure something that doesn’t matter, sales are all that count, we exist to sell PRODUCT’, in the hopes that someone will say ‘Did you get any Loerie finalists?’ at which I can say, ‘You shouldn’t care, me getting 20 finalists means fucking NOTHING, awards mean NOTHING, fuck this, BST* was right all along.’ (I should also pretend to be drunk and embittered with the world to pull this off effectively and really drive home how much of a fuck I don’t give)

6. Tell my mom and wait for her to tell everyone via making ‘mom-comments’ on my lame fbook profile pic

7. Act like a ‘happy advertising ingenue’ and pretend to be genuinely excited about getting Loerie finalists, clap my hands and dance around the studio and tweet about it

8. Post a lot of crap on my blog about ‘Loerie gimmicks’

9. Forward this post to ppl I know in the hopes that they ask me if I got any finalists (by ‘me’ here I mean ‘you’)

10. Attempt suicide in the agency bar and leave a note with the number of finalists on it

11. Sleep with the same number of colleagues as Loerie finalists I have and make cryptic referrals to ‘my magic number’

12. Not tell people. Be a big girl. ‘Finalists aren’t Loeries’, after all.

Will have to weigh up my options. Will maybe make my way through them in order of me thinking of them. Methodical and thorough. How did y’all tell people about how many Loerie finalists you got without coming across like a complete fucking tard?

*BST = Brian Searle Tripp, local advertising popstar

Psychographic profile: I am a GirlJock

Wish I could be in High School for ever. Might go back and coach Girls soccer.

Wish I could be in High School for ever. Might go back and coach Girls' soccer.

I am a GirlJock
In high school my identity was defined by my place in the hockey team
And my place at the sidelines of every ‘big game’ that ‘my’ boys played
And not much has changed except now
I am allowed to drink (legally)
And Thank god (I mean that, I am Christian, Anglican in fact),
because drinking is probably the biggest part of my identity today.

Just another AMAZING NIGHT OUT  with one of my BEST FRIENDS.

Just another AMAZING NIGHT OUT with one of my BEST FRIENDS.

I am a GirlJock
I have over 1000 friends on facebook
All of them love me because I am the life of the party
I am always smiling
There are over 1000 photos on facebook of me smiling
I have sooooo much fun
With all my friends who love my smile
We have so much fun because we are sooooo pissed
We get up to soooooo much craziness at the game / the ball / the girlz night out / the J&B Met
When we get together
And get pissed

Hey such great times at the Met. I 3 the Met, its my best.

Hey such great times at the Met. I <3 the Met, it's my best.

I am a GirlJock
All my friends wish they were me
Even the hot skinny blonde ones
Even though I can’t shake the extra weight I carry around
(it’s because of my drinking, but who cares what you look like when you can party!)
but being overweight doesn’t stop like, a million guys being my best friend
I have soooooo many guy friends
I am in love with like, all of them, but I’ll never risk telling them because
“I don’t want to ruin the friendship”
though I am actually scared they will reject me
because I am not at my ‘ideal weight’
but I keep ordering another drink hoping that
we will be sooo pissed and end up kissing on the dancefloor / at the rugby
and it will turn into something meaningful

I 3 him so much it hurts.

I <3 him so much it hurts.

I am a GirlJock
I studied whatever my older brother studied
And in some ways, I think my older brother is my soul mate
He said I should have been HeadGirl of my highschool
And I totally agree with him
**SMOOCHIESS!!!**
We are the best of friends
4 ever

My brother and I are very close.

My brother and I are very close.

I am a GirlJock
I am highly sociable and am able to be ‘friends with everyone’ (it actually says that on my CV)
Even the zany little creative people
Who don’t work at my accounting firm and claim to ‘hate rugby’ (cute!)
I am a GirlJock
Can’t wait for the weekend
So I can get soooo pissed and partay with like, all my millions of friends
And take photos and post them on facebook
So everyone can see how much fun I am
And how awesome my life is.

Hangovers R us. We are sooo crazy.

Hangovers R us. We are sooo crazy.

I am a GirlJock.