Category Archives: insight

Am i a freaking MILLENIAL?

Y’ulz, am worried. have worked soooooo hard to ‘not fit in a box’ or be ‘easily segmented’ but according 2 this l’il jazzy slideshow there ‘are loads of me out there’, ‘not fitting in2 boxes’. Have also been ‘made aware’ of some ‘nifty trix’ i have yet 2 emply, 4 eg. ‘having a show at my house’ instead of ‘seeing a band’, and ‘making my own fun’. Are y’alls aware of this? Have y’alls been aware of this ‘the whole time’? Why did no1 tell me? Is ‘the joke on me’?

Want 2 die. Fuck my life.

(thanks 4 enlightening me, sethbro.)

Learning 2 speak Client Service y’ulz

Hey y’ulz. Year is “drawing 2 a close”. Nearly holiday time. “A time 4 family” (4 those of y’ulz whose dad di’nt shoot y’ulz due to the recession / being a policeman). “A time 4 giving” (4 those of y’ulz who are new 2 jail / advertising).

NE wayz, Just got handed a debrief with this instruction:

“Please craft copy.”


Is cool, can dig it coz it kind of “makes sense”. Is a debrief on a conceptual job, so the copy ‘woznt 4 realsies’ NE wayz. But kind of confused bcoz we presented 4 different ideas / directions, but the debrief gots no word on which idea / version of not-4-realsies-copy the client bought & wants crafted. Confused y’ulz.

Flipped through debrief but no more clues. Opened job bag 2 see if further instructions were hidden inside like a “Simba Surprise”. Closed my eyes & opened my 3rd eye while moving upside down shot glass slowly over job bag like ouijja board, hoping some friendly demon bro would “clarify the details on the debrief” via “being invoked”. Nothing y’ulz.


Phoned client service due 2 confusion. Felt rly bad coz interrupted her hair appointment plus messed up her nails coz she had 2 answer phone.



I said:

“Am like sooooo sorry 2 interrupt your hair appy, am so sorry, here, bought this chocolate cake i baked myself from flour my grandma ground herself just before she died, but kind of don’t know what u mean on your debrief. Please could you explain, even if you just give me one more word 2 go by. Am really stupid, pls excuse me.”


She said:

“Why are cre8ive so stupid? I meant pls go with option 2, except make it about unicorns instead of pegasuses, plus copy needs 2 sound like it is being spoken by the sound of Danny De Vito’s one hand clapping in Batman Returns, also client would like 3 different version of the copy for use on 3 diff size ads, plus a radio campaign.”



Felt so blessed y’ulz. Normally NEVER get this much information on “what client wants” from Client Service. Offered 2 ‘wash her feet with my hair’ but she was like “you cre8ives are so creepy” and turned her hairdryer back on. Don’t rly know what 2 do with myself now since managed 2 ‘klap the debrief one-time’ when it normally takes 7 000 reverts due to there “never being enough time 4 a proper brief & always enuff time 2 redo the work”. Feel like I have made majah progress. Feel like am “learning the language of Client Service” y’ulz. Huge.



So grateful 2 be just a small part of something so big y’all.

My latest business venture

Y’ulz, I am an entrepreneur. Did y’ulz know that? Sometimes I can’t ‘touch you’ via blogging because I am ‘running this town tonight’.

N E wayz…


I hav a dream. And that dream is to cre8 my vry own facebook appy. It will be called FUCKVILLE, and its appeal is quite logical y’all. Basically, various small, lonely animals will wonder in and out of your fbook profile, and you will be offered the chance 2 ‘fuck them’.

A screenshot of how the average user will interface with Fuckville.

What do y’als think? Am basically pitching it to my VC bros as ‘the ultimate facebook app, a rollercoaster ride of sex, sheep and fuckery’. Think it’ll be a hit y’ulle? Am going to do a spot market research poll (for my FLYSWAT analysis later, pls leave your answer as a comment):

Will FUCKVILLE be a hit appy?

a) You’re a fucking genius Alex. Fucking fuck.

b) Of course it will. You can make an app out of anything and the laggards on the facebook adoption cycle will lap it up because they’re lower middle-class worker ants who drive third-hand hatchbacks and aspire to being head supervisor at the forklift company and playing Fuckville will allow them to ‘take back their time’ (via looking like they’re working)

c) No ways. Fucking sheep is sooooo 2000-and-late

d) If you release this app into the armies of spammy app-lapping tards on facebook I will kill myself and leave this blog post open on my laptop so ppl know why I did it.

e) There is already an app like this, except they call ‘fucking’ “farming”. Perhaps the similarity is intentional?


Appreciate your help on my individual journey to entrepreneurial greatness. If you would like the once-in-a-lifetime chance 2 be a part of this ‘sure thing’ y’als can drop me a comment telling me the top 5 ‘animals people like 2 fuck’ & I will get back 2 you based on the acumen displayed in your insights. Thanks 4 helping me ‘work night and day’ 2 make the internet ‘a more fun place’ for y’ulz.

Reading Comprehension Test

Hey y’ulz. Read this thrillsome interview with me and answer the following questions based on what you learnt:

1. What is my favourite colour?

2. What is my favourite food?

3. Team Edward or Team Jacob?

4. Am I in love with Eric Northman?

5. Do I prefer chunky or smooth peanut butter?

6. Am I a cat or a dog person?

7. Chocolate or vanilla?

8. Should I ‘go blonde for summer’?

9. True or False: I am a hermaphrobro

10. Should I sue my parents for not getting me a CitiGolf?

Please leave your answers in the comments section. The first person to answer all 10 correctly will win ‘my love & loyalty 4 life’ as symbolised by the fern leaf I am wearing in this picture.


Y’ulz think about that now.


The study that changed my life: a profbro’s story

I am a professor bro. Have studied lots. I have a doctorate, but it never really ‘opened the doors’ I’d always hoped it would. Had dreams of winning a Nobel Prize. Didn’t happen. So bummed. Drank myself in2 a stupour over it the other day at some bar. Met some chick with a short skirt. Said she worked in PR. Said she could ‘make it happen 4 me’. Didn’t rly believe her. She was ‘too pretty 2 be smart’, & the kind of woman ‘I’d never get’. Just wanted 2 die.

Then she called me back the next day. Said she had this ‘gr8 idea 4 a study’. She said ‘Let’s do something big, something with high talkability & buzz factor. Let’s do a study bout how “Cape Town is racist“. That’ll get ‘em  all frothy & will give you industry credibility & media exposure.’ Crazy bint.

Didn’t rly take her srsly coz she’s not an alumni. Don’t take non-academics srsly. Bet she can’t even spell ‘schisms’. Drank some more and passed out in my own puke. Woke up with my face squashed on a Lever Arch File and her card in my hand. Smoked a cigarette. Called her. Gave the ‘study’ a go-ahead, even though she said she’d just get some friends over for drinks and ‘get some sound bytes’ and leave out anything that didn’t sound racist. Drank more until I passed out in my puke again. Hate my life. Just wanted ppl 2 respect me. Thinking of studying further.

Next day woke up with one of my young female coloured students, all naked and passed out next to me in my own puke. Felt a bit better, like ‘my suffering had purpose’ and ‘I was bridging the prejudice divide’ (via fucking & a blackout). Finally felt like I’d made up 4 ‘being born in cape town’. Thought of writing a book about it & calling it ‘Disgrace’ but realised it had already being done (hate u JM).

The phone rang. It was the PR chick. She said the ‘study’ made front page news. Said it was ‘creating a lot of buzz’ and ‘perpendicular trajectory word-of-mouth spinoff’ and that my ‘exposure was high’ and that I would now be a ‘respected profbro’. So relieved. She said my name comes up first if u google ‘cape town racist’. She said ‘the twitter is buzzing with hatespeech about capetonians’. She said ‘now you’re famous!’ Sooooo awesome y’all. Gonna do another ‘controversial study’ soon. Is rly helping my application 4 a study grant that will pay for more booze (ran out last night, pretty bummed). Gonna aim for a Nobel in 2010. Wish me luck.


ATL vs BTL

I am ATL. I ONLY do TV, Radio, Print & Billboards. But I won’t do any of those if there is a ‘promotional’ aspect involved. I am above ‘promotional aspects’ and all that ‘selling’ stuff. I am an artiste.

I am BTL. I do a lot of promotional work, but I’ll do anything really. My main concern is reaching consumers in a way that makes a real impact, whatever that way may be. But I’m not fussy.

I am ATL. The other day I was asked to contribute to a ‘strategic workshop’. I didn’t know WTF I was supposed to do. I mean, WTF. I make billboards? I was like, why am I here? Such a waste of my, like, time. Like, what am I supposed to do?

I am BTL. Very often, our job starts long before the work becomes a brochure, or a piece of direct marketing / design / digital. We spend a lot of time refining strategic insights so that our work is focused. It’s interesting because we are able to holistically tackle real business challenges and make work that makes a difference.

I am ATL. The other day I got a print ad brief with only 2 weeks to work on it. 2 weeks? How am I supposed to come up with genius in only 2 weeks? What are they thinking? So I had a temper tantrum until they gave me an extra week.

I am BTL. We generally have to work very fast, but that’s okay. We’re used to it. Usually I work on about 15 jobs at once, all in different stages of production. Our average deadline is about 2 days. This means we work late a lot but hey, that which doesn’t kill me will only make me smarter, right?

I am ATL. This basically means I’m at the top of the advertising food chain. I know, I know, you’d never think so since I’m so humble, right?

I am BTL. A lot of people think BTL is all the stuff ATL doesn’t want to do. Sometimes ATL bullies traffic into giving us the jobs they think is ‘beneath them’, but that’s cool, whatever. We’re used to working hard so its no sweat really. Besides we kind of feel sorry for ATL since we all know no one watches TV / reads print ads anymore? So we just try to make everyone feel okay about things.


Psychographic Profile: I am a Client Looking To Capitalise On Social Media

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
To be honest, I don’t know WTF I’m doing.
Went to some talk,
Where there was some chick,
Talking about ‘conversations not campaigns’,
She made some good points ,
She was quite hot,
Think I’m just gonna start a facebook group and ‘see how it goes’.

Back in Advertisings Heyday. Miss u

Back in 'Advertising's Heyday'. Miss u

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media ,
I just joined this site called ‘Twitter’.
Have y’all heard of it?
Not really sure what the point is,
It’s kind of like I’m talking to myself,
“Just trying to get the hang of this Twitter thing”.
I got my first follower today,
Some chick who sells Britney Spears Sex Tapes,
Guess everyone’s trying to ‘push their brand’ on Twitter,
Everyone’s an entrepreneur on the internet.

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I’m fucking sick of these little social media brats
Who come into my office with their ‘netbooks’,
And their “keynote”,
And their mobile marketing statistics,
And get their buddies to ‘tweet at me’,
And tell me ‘agencies don’t get digital’.
You know what agencies DO get? Sales.
These little social media brats know nothing about business,
About the bottom line,
Show me my ROI you little shits,
And then I’ll assign you a PO,
You little brat.
I’ve fucking built a branded empire,
And you’ve built a blog.
I’d buy and sell your blog tomorrow,
Except all you blog about is social-fucking-media.
Fuck.

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
But I’m not into this whole ‘logging in’ thing.
Besides facebook is blocked at my office,
Because my staff spend too much time on it
When they should be focusing on their targets.
Can’t I just pay you to do it for me?
Can’t you just start a facebook group?
Can’t I pay you to write my blog? Can’t be too much work?
Or what are these new things? ‘Fan pages’.
My son says ‘fan pages’ are the new thing.
Yes, my son keeps me up to date with this ‘social media stuff’
He’s 14, so he’s very in touch with ‘what’s cool’.
He also hates my guts so our family shrink recommended we ‘bond over his love for technology’.
Can you do my facebook page?

Sure Ill run your blog.

Sure I'll run your blog.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
I’m sick of spending too much money on TV ads,
Only to be outdone by our competitor brands ,
Who spent double on their TV ad,
Sucks.
Just wanted be named the Sunday Times Markinor Marketer of the Year,
So decided 2 do a ‘viral campaign’,
Hired that Zany New Media Social Word of Marketing company,
They came up with this social media ‘touchpoint plan’,
But some chick reported us to twitter.
Said we were “spamming” her.
Guess we got a little overzealous with the DMs,
Just wanted to get to a million followers soooooo bad.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I am scared.
The race is on for a best practise model,
And I have no fucking clue how to develop one.
Should have stayed in sales,
At least I got a commission,
This is just a mission,
Gonna go get lunch and stuff myself since I gave up smoking and drinking after my 1st bypass.
So scared y’all,
So scared.

Anybody out there?

Hello?