Is it time 2 grow the fuck up and love rugby just like everyone else?

Y’ulz. There comes a point in every blog’s life where y’all gotta realise ur destiny. But y’als I am scared.

I am so scared.

Why is MY destiny all gross and orcy?

When I was in high school and still ‘developing my personal brand (via my personality)’ I looked to my parents 4 guidance. Basically, they were OBSESSED with rugby, so I decided 2 HATE rugby. Pls see equation of Teenage Personality Development rule.

Developed this equation myself. Proved it myself too (via slamming my door @ roughly 3pm every Saturday). Felt like I had ‘found myself’ back then (via dating the skinny arty bros & taking them 2 the Bosch vs Bishops game as an ‘act of defiance’.).

Those were the days.

But now am an older / wiser / faster / stronger blog. Have realised ‘there is more 2 life than defying the ppl who mortgaged all their 4 of their Bishopscourt properties’ so I could ‘afford 2 go 2 ad school’. Have realised that ‘cool don’t pay the bills’. Have been contemplating ‘dating a normal guy’ in aid of ‘living a herp- / tattoo- / converse-shoes-plus-dress – free happy life’. Was mulling this stuff over quietly in my cre8ive bloggy mind when 2OceansVibe DM@tweeted me that I made a ‘blogger XV side’.

Srsly?

Srsly y’ulz – basically the unthinkable just happened. MyBrandedLifeTM just got picked 2 be on a ‘blogger rugby team’. Srsly. That just happened. Maybe just drive your car inside coz it might be “raining blue moons”.

First came shock. Oh my word y’ulz.

Then came denial. This is not happening y’ulz.

Then came this other feeling. It feels kind of warm. Almost like how I would imagine ‘potential’ 2 feel y’ulz. Then the theme song from Invictus started playing (via time travel) & I had a ‘transferred memory’ (that actually belongs 2 Francois Pienaarvanwykdewaal) from that time Nelson Mandelabro told me 2 ‘unite a nation’ (via winning the rugby world cup 05).

Matt Damon as Frankypants

Am thinking y’ulle – what if ‘loving rugby’ is actually my destiny?
It would be kind of ‘extremely ironic’, and y’all know I love my irony.
What do y’ulz thank?

Scared, y’ulz.

PS. Should I sue myself for not buying myself a ghd sooner?

Are there beggars ‘fucking everywhere’?

Can you spare some of your online influence?

Y’ulz, this is a srs post. Sometimes I feel, when am driving my Bugatti thru the streets of ‘the most beautiful city in the world’ (Gardens), that there are beggars ‘fucking everywhere’. Think I am kind of over winding down my window BEFORE they approach 2 tell them 2 ‘lean on some other car like that Polo’. FFS y’ulle.

You'd better wash that stump b4 u click on my profile

And as if having to ‘decline stealing from myself 2 give 2 the poor’ on a daily basis is not painful enough, some beggar walked up to my window on facebook 2day (via an internal fbook email) and begged for me to ‘just go to this page and scroll down to the photo of the yam and like it, but don’t open the photo and like the photo, just like the link or it wont count as a vote, so I can win a free yamboat’.

Y’ulle can imagine my reply.
No, y’ulle actually can’t because I used a word I made up.

I said:

“Fangbags! Did u rly just send me this??????? H8 u.”

Srsly. Are there beggars ‘fucking everywhere’? Gonna write my next pro-bono article for the Big Issue about the beggar endemic. Have ‘had it in chunks’. What are y’ulz feelings about this topical issue? Has our social networking society ‘gone 2 the dogs tonight’? is fbook ‘the new Zim’?

Psychographic Profile: I have an invite to Googlewave

I have an invite to Googlewave
I don’t know anyone else who has one
Which makes me feel awesome
But at the same time lonely
Since Googlewave is useless without other ppl to wave to
No matter, gonna gloat about it on the twitter
Gonna sync my twitter to my fbook status
So everyone knows how ahead and technologically “on it” I am
I HAVE AN INVITE TO GOOGLE WAVE

Yeah! Googlewave! Yeah!

Gonna excuse myself from this meeting
And lock myself in the stall at the end in the bathrooms of my office
And do a dance out of excitement at my GOOGLEWAVE invite (maybe touch my peen)
Jiggy jiggy, jiggy jiggy
You like that huh? Jiggy Jiggy
“Applebottom googlewave…boots with the googlewave…”
Gonna go back to the meeting room
Just drop this l’il bomb
“Oh, shoot, looks like I just got a Googlewave invite,”
And jizz on my face at the blank expressions on the faces of my colleagues
(they’ll never understand me or my ideas. I’m a visionary, they are laggards.)

Yeah! Googlewave! Fuck me!

I have an invite to Googlewave
Gonna watch lots of videos on ‘how Googlewave works’
Gonna tweet them out, with commentary
(“I find the function that allows you to collapse or expand inline comments really useful” - cue sound of my sperm hitting you in the forehead)
Gonna get all frenzied up when ppl tweet about ‘how dumb it is to get excited about Googlewave since you need other ppl 2 B on it’
Gonna defend it ‘to the death’ from the fucking tards who don’t “get it”
“You’ll see – Googlewave is gonna change EVERYTHING!”
I HAVE AN INVITE TO GOOGLEWAVE
Googlewave 4 eva!!!!!!1!

Fuckyfuckyyyyeeeeeaaaahhhhgooooglewave!

I have an invite to Googlewave
I used to be married but that was lame (couldn’t collapse the inline fighting over remote control)
My wife divorced me because I had to wake up at 3am to ‘wave’ to ppl in America (is what U get when U marry a laggard)
Totally don’t regret it – Googlewave is gonna “change the way we do business”, you’ll see
Just let me know if you want 2 know how it works (via a link to googlewave.com/help)
So I can point out how STUPID your LIFE is compared to Googlewave’s GENIUS
If you don’t have Googlewave you might as well tattoo STUPID PERSON WHO IS BEHIND AND STUPID on your forehead
Unless you want me 2 invite u. I can hook u up.
U want an invite? Coz I can hook u up. I can change your life. You just have to say yes. I’ll hook U up.
Googlewave is LOVE. Anything else is FEAR.
Love or Fear?
LOVE OR FEAR?
WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE?
I HAVE AN INVITE TO GOOGLEWAVE
I’M SO FUCKINGARGHKJFGJHERGFKJHDFBVKJHDFBVJDHSFBV,JSDHFBVGOOGLEWAVE!!!!

I'm gonna fuck my face yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Fuck! Googlewave!

Psychographic Profile: I am a Client Looking To Capitalise On Social Media

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
To be honest, I don’t know WTF I’m doing.
Went to some talk,
Where there was some chick,
Talking about ‘conversations not campaigns’,
She made some good points ,
She was quite hot,
Think I’m just gonna start a facebook group and ‘see how it goes’.

Back in 'Advertising's Heyday'. Miss u

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media ,
I just joined this site called ‘Twitter’.
Have y’all heard of it?
Not really sure what the point is,
It’s kind of like I’m talking to myself,
“Just trying to get the hang of this Twitter thing”.
I got my first follower today,
Some chick who sells Britney Spears Sex Tapes,
Guess everyone’s trying to ‘push their brand’ on Twitter,
Everyone’s an entrepreneur on the internet.

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I’m fucking sick of these little social media brats
Who come into my office with their ‘netbooks’,
And their “keynote”,
And their mobile marketing statistics,
And get their buddies to ‘tweet at me’,
And tell me ‘agencies don’t get digital’.
You know what agencies DO get? Sales.
These little social media brats know nothing about business,
About the bottom line,
Show me my ROI you little shits,
And then I’ll assign you a PO,
You little brat.
I’ve fucking built a branded empire,
And you’ve built a blog.
I’d buy and sell your blog tomorrow,
Except all you blog about is social-fucking-media.
Fuck.

Do you know who I am?

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
But I’m not into this whole ‘logging in’ thing.
Besides facebook is blocked at my office,
Because my staff spend too much time on it
When they should be focusing on their targets.
Can’t I just pay you to do it for me?
Can’t you just start a facebook group?
Can’t I pay you to write my blog? Can’t be too much work?
Or what are these new things? ‘Fan pages’.
My son says ‘fan pages’ are the new thing.
Yes, my son keeps me up to date with this ‘social media stuff’
He’s 14, so he’s very in touch with ‘what’s cool’.
He also hates my guts so our family shrink recommended we ‘bond over his love for technology’.
Can you do my facebook page?

Sure I'll run your blog.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
I’m sick of spending too much money on TV ads,
Only to be outdone by our competitor brands ,
Who spent double on their TV ad,
Sucks.
Just wanted be named the Sunday Times Markinor Marketer of the Year,
So decided 2 do a ‘viral campaign’,
Hired that Zany New Media Social Word of Marketing company,
They came up with this social media ‘touchpoint plan’,
But some chick reported us to twitter.
Said we were “spamming” her.
Guess we got a little overzealous with the DMs,
Just wanted to get to a million followers soooooo bad.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I am scared.
The race is on for a best practise model,
And I have no fucking clue how to develop one.
Should have stayed in sales,
At least I got a commission,
This is just a mission,
Gonna go get lunch and stuff myself since I gave up smoking and drinking after my 1st bypass.
So scared y’all,
So scared.

Hello?

What must I do this weekend?

It’s the weekend y’ulz. Not sure what to do with myself. Starting to feel like drained by being a ‘adweblebrity’. Sometimes I just wish I could live a ‘normal’ life. Marry some ‘normal’ guy and forget this online stuff ever happened. Wish the old saying ‘once you put something on the internet you can’t take it off again’ wasn’t true. Wish someone had told me how fame was gonna ‘eat me up, spit me out & turn me into a banner ad on facebook without asking for my permission’ before I released my 1st sex tape / social media campaign. Can only hope that I’m a lesson 2 y’ulz.

I love you guys. You know me better than I know myself.

What do normal ppl do on weekends? Have heard it’s quite rad to ‘chill with a beer at &Union’ bcoz they only serve 2 types of food and say fuck-you to anyone who complains. Have heard that normal ppl ‘tolerate being treated like crap’ and actually enjoy it.

So normal. So real.

Have also heard there is some ‘party at the Biscuit Mill’ on Sat. Haven’t been to a party ‘just anyone can go to’ in years. How do the caterers manage if they don’t know how many ppl will be there? Do ‘open’ parties often run out of Moet? (that was a trick question – Moet is cheap crap).

Good times with arbs.

Maybe I’ll venture out of the city bowl, except the ppl outside the city don’t always get ‘netiquette’ and sometimes do crass things like ‘ask 2 add me on facebook’. Worried that if I smile at someone in the southern suburbs they will take it as permission to ask to ‘pick my brain’ on their latest ‘social media activation planning schedule’ when all I want to do is shop for scented vanilla candles at The Space in peace.

What do y’ulz ‘normal people’ do for fun on the weekend?

Should I draw an analogy to myself?

Hey y’ulle. Just got tweet-fbook-wall-posted a pic out of the new ADvantage which has a line of serious looking peeps on it who are from an agency called ‘The Wild Wide West of Digital Space’. Plus they have cowboy hats on from the toy store on buitenkant. When I see this image I get the feeling that these are a bunch of rad bras who were forced to put silly hats on and ‘look hardcore’ for the shoot by a stylist who is actually an editorial assistant. No  matter, it has ignited something inside me and I realise I need to make a ‘visual statement’ if anyone is ever going to take me srsly in this biz.

yeeeeeeehaaaaaaa.co.za

Was thinking of calling up Bizcomm and asking for a press office so I can call myself ‘the Lady Gaga of Gladvertising’, and dress up in a tight costume and pad my crotch so ppl wonder if I have a peen or not. Might be a bit ‘out there’. Might not be ‘hardcore’ enough. Clients will think I spend their budget on useless hair plug-ins. Digital requires a lot of code vibes so I should probably come up with a more serious analogy for myself.

Ma ma ma mar.

How about “The Joker of Digivertainmentline”.

Start a facebook group..... NOT! Ha ha, I am so funny.

Or, “The Hannah Montana Movie now in easy-to-read Digital Format”.

Accessible yet professional.

I’ll keep thinking. You let me know when I hit on a winner.

In prison. These are my memoirs.

Hey y’ulle. Bet some of y’all are thinking I’ve been very quiet for someone who gets free stuff for writing a load of crap about brands on her blog. I have been quiet, but not by choice. I might be killed for saying this, but I’m being held captive by Vodacom’s 3G “service”.

See, I took out a contract thinking having Internet at home would mean 2 things: a) more time at work to focus on winning a Grand Black Lion Eagle Canned Loerie Award at work and b) more time to focus on bringing my 70 billion or so readers a better blog, filled with truth disguised as semi-illiterate irony within the context of my life as an attention-seeking copywriter with a god-complex (ie the ‘Everyman of Advertising’).

Alas, alack, my good intentions are half-way to hell by now, as is the soul of Vodacom, for selling me a service that doesn’t actually exist. Dear readers, you’ll notice a prominent lack of ‘funny pictures’, links and my trademark random pink, orange and green word-colouring in this post, and for that I apologize. They don’t allow a full-service WYSIWYG editing suite here in prison. It’s just me, my iPhone and the WordPress app. It’s cold, and there are rat apps gnawing at my feet apps. Where is my god now?

I’m going to try and blog once more tomorrow. I doubt Vodacom will let me. They’ve already confiscated the razor blades I was going to use to terminate our contract. Not really sure what the point of living without blogging is. Might have to think it through in another low-Fi blog post. MTN, Cell C – if you’re Reading this, please, send help. Destroy this blog post after Reading it. And tell my Mom I love her.

I wait with hope,
Alex

buying a new phone. feeling ‘depressed’. i think.

Hey y’ulle. Feeling a little weirded out. Think I’ve lost touch with how I really feel. When I feel something, I’m not sure I’m feeling it because of something inside me, or whether I am being influenced by external factors, such as a viral online marketing campaign. Doesn’t thousands of people singing a Beatles’ song all together make you feel depressed? The following video is NOT for sensitive viewers.

I’m about to buy a new phone, but when I contemplate my future holding an iPhone / BlackBerry / HTC, I don’t feel thrilled and elated, like I should. I feel empty and meaningless, like I’m just a small part of one massive augmented reality campaign brought to you buy KingSaatchilvyCB, sponsored by ExclusiveWorthBookwords.

The cycle of life (you might remember this from elementary school biology).

Wouldn’t really be surprised if ‘life as we know it’ is one big augmented reality campaign, brought to you by the Apple superbrand.

Guess the trick is to break out of ‘modern day emotional constraints’ by doing something meaningful, like going for a hike up the mountain, or ‘picking up the phone’ and talking to someone.  Maybe there are even more meaningful things to be done, like ‘imagining rocket-powered unicorns’ or ‘imagining water-melon boats’. I don’t really get this whole ‘imagining’ thing tho. Will maybe get my teenage brother to make a rocket-powered unicorn app for facebook for my phone, or something.

How wonderful life could be.

Truly spiffy.

How am I supposed to tell whether I really feel something or not?
Should I post how I feel in my SpaceBook status so as to get sympathy from those of my friends who are drawn to a victim? Or should I conceptualise an integrated campaign on twitter that will ‘generate buzz’ about user-generated emotions?

Wish I could upload emotions and share them with my friends. Not sure my online friends ‘get’ emotions though. Guess if my emotions fell into one of the following categories it would be fine: 1) Sober or 2) Wasted.

OR

OR

OR

————————————————————————————————————-

BONUS ‘wasted’ 4 YOU: CONGRATS YOU ARE THE 14 BILLIONTH VIEWER OF THIS POST.  please accept this pic of 2 wasted chicks kissing. wish you were here.

Will I really not feel better if I buy a phone that is more expensive than I can afford? Think I must be ‘depressed’. Guess I have identified an ‘emotional niche’ that can be exploited for capital gains. Will open up my depression as a media space for ads to buy as soon as I can get out of bed. Will use the revenue I generate to buy my new phone. Hope I will be able to appreciate my new phone now that I’ve actually had to work for something in my life.

on dream jobs.

What I would give to be paid to sing Part of My World next to the little mermaid.

most days i love my job, but sometimes, like when I read a tweet like this one from Juliaallison, I start wondering whether there’s something bigger out there, just waiting for me. Calling my name.

Alex from MyBrandedLifeTM interviewed by Glitter Zebra

Happy Friday y’ulle. It’s a good one because today I was interviewed by some real life Generation Y kids who run this zany site called Glitter Zebra. Glitter Zebra contacted me because the girl who runs the site (Katie) and her brother (Jerome) have been arguing about ‘What is cool’. So they googled it and found my site, and I have to say, I’m a little flattered. They even gave me The Singing Lion Award for my blog!

What a privilege!

You can read the full interview here.

An extract to get you all juiced up:

“Basically, pies are cool, yes. They were made cool by that movie with the man who did a lot of Maths, and for a while then Maths was cool, but it was the pies who eventually came out on top.” Alex, interview with Glitter Zebra

A screenshot of the interview

a thoughtful video to make you think.

thought i’d post it before someone you know who is in LOVE with IDEAs sends it to you. it’s basically a whole bunch of statistics that someone with iMovie set to a FatBoy Slim song. It reveals that China is coming and Google is actually Christ.

sometimes i wish iMovie was still this thing no one knew about so i could make statistic movies too and wow my colleagues who still work on PC with them. i’d watch them over and over on my own while drinking Frisco and smoking weed and cigarettes. I’d conduct imaginary interviews where I’d expound upon how ‘China is coming, you know, and as a young South African it’s vital that we understand what’s going on in the world so we don’t get left behind and become globally irrelevant”.

but those days of yearning to sound like I know what I’m talking about while not having anything real to talk about are gone. no more do i pretend i’m an undiscovered genius and recite chunks of Good Will Hunting while i fantasise about being taken in by Robin Williams and getting my potential nurtured. thanks to the internet, everyone’s a genius, and i’m being forced to get by on my looks.

SUCKS to have to wear a bra so I’m not just ‘another smart strategy chick at work’.

SUCKS to have to practise gyrating in front of a mirror to Jennifer Lopez so I can attract the attention of a job (Creative Director) at the Loerie Awards after party.

SUCKS to have to wear tight jeans so the client is more captive when I present my carefully thought-out and strategically sound media plan.

SUCKS to have to brainstorm in heels because these days good ideas can come from anywhere (ie. youtube).

Miss being the sharpest tool in the shed / the full 6 pack / at home with the lights on. Being just ‘a pretty face’ is way too much work.

oh, it’s on!

My loyal readers will remember way back to the week before last, when Jenny and I spotted a spelling error in a kitkat URL (we’re that kind of agency) and decided to register the correct spelling, so that we could place a humourous tactical ad there, or something equally thrilling such as a photo of our breasts.

Alas, alack, we never got to upload the photo of our breasts because the guy who owned the incorrectly spelt URL woke up about it, and what followed was a fairly amusing email and hand-made sign exchange.

The debarcle was posted by Seth over at 2oceansvibe, and it seems a certain Ryan has a little beef with us. Actually, a lot of beef with us. He’s started one hell of a comments war, which really only makes it funnier. Love ya, Ryan. Shame, we’ll make you a sign tomorrow, okay?

Jenny and Alex

What could have been.

Think before you hit FWD. A baby could die.

Hey y’ulle. Having a moment of confusion. Need to ‘blog through it’. Just got one of those mails from one of my ‘friends’ that lists ‘words to live by’. This one has a picture of a loaf of bread shaped like a hand that says ‘May you find it easy to give and receive’ followed by a picture of a photoshopped banana made to look like a yellow dolphin that says ‘May your home be filled with fresh air and light’.

Think I might have some sort of brain disorder because when I see these images and words my fingers go all stiff and they try to scratch my eyeballs out of my head. Srsly. Not sure what this means. I also get these symptoms when people send me pictures of babies that talk about how I should ‘dance in the rain like nobody’s watching until there’s no tomorrow’, and then ask that you send it back to the person who sent it to you. Do y’ulle send out these emails?

Of those of you who do send out these emails, are any of you

a)mentally retarded

b) on medication that numbs the connection between your frontal lobe and your cerebellum

c) 11 year old pre-teenage girls

d) Michael Jackson

e) signing the petition against the proposed Western Cape Liquor Bill, and do you send the mails while you are drunk?

I’d like to know for research purposes, so pls drop me a mail or a tweet with your answer. Thanks. And remember:

Dance like nobody's watching!

Live like there's no tomorrow!

Every time you send out a crappy chain email, a baby is suffocated! By me!

PS.

I eat baby hedgehogs as mid-morning snacks.

Where do blogs come from?

One of my twest friends, Dplanet, posed a very NB twestion (twitter question) today: Where do blogs come from? Leon Jacobs said they happen when 2 blogs fall in love, but there is a step that precedes blog love. It is the step where a person ceases to be a human being and becomes a blog.

Not quite a who-man, but not quite a blog yet, either.

How does that happen exactly? It depends on the human being. (Or, who-man, being? See how our very existence challenges itself through a catchy mnemonic. Could be a cool line for an energy drink. Anyway.)

In my instance, I spent a lot of time writing / thinking / talking about / eating / drinking / sleeping / touching / feeling / singing with / dancing with / engaging with / social networking with brands. Then I realized that I was superior to other who-mans because they didn’t spend as much time focusing on brands and being branded and shiz. And then I exploded into a blog.

There were a lot of colours and chevrons, and then I was a blog.

It wasn’t pretty. I *became* the idea of what my life is. Branded. S’all very logical and unromantic but the sooner you know the truth, the better.

A prerequisite to having a blog, however, is having the illusion of superiority. The great guru Woodchuck Chopra has spoken about this in his book Superio-Destiny (worth a read). As has Wheel Ronald Squelch in his best-selling Conversations With Blogs series (highly recommend). Conversations With Blogs made me understand that I am, in fact, a blog, and that everyone is also a blog at the same time.

We are all blogs, blogging about each other, being social media, being the medium, being the message, creating new jobs for advertising school graduates who really really <3 facebook, creating new jobs for socially inept techies whom we hire as ‘consultants’ to explain our existence back to us (seeing the wood for the trees and all that). Quite a sophisticated concept but Wheel Ronald Squelch makes it v accessible. Anyway now you know. LOLROFLMAOBRB4eva.

“when i grow up, wanna be famous, wanna be a star, wanna be in movies, wanna have boobies” – the tigercat dollfaces

but no movies here.

no castings. no expensive theatre school.

no obssessive, economy-driving celebrity culture.

no reality shows where i can take my clothes off.

no one to make a sex tape with to ‘launch my career’.

no retouchers to make me look hotter than i am.

no lecherous men with money to ‘discover’ me.

just savanna, the locally produced ‘it’s-dry-but-you-can-drink-it’ cider. who makes a site that lets me make my own ad. makes me dress up like a monkey. and garble nonsense. make your own savanna ad here. and watch mine below. it stars me as the monkey, jabu as the black guy and alistair as the barman.

do y’ulle think i should quit my dayjob? does this count as a demo tape? is it strong enough to be an acting / dancing portfolio? do you think it shows that i have potential to look hot in music videos, if they spray water on me to make me look like i’m sweating? do you think it shows off my toned, tanned body? could i be the next brutney spears / leona lewis / brian searle-tripp (local advertising pop star) / mike schalit (local advertising pop star)? does this give me mass appeal as opposed to simply appealing to a handful of marketing types and social media gurus?

need some feedback so i know where to take my career / what kind of headlines i should be writing / what kind of headlines i should be appearing in / whether i should just make a sex tape on my own and upload it onto vimeo and hope 4 the best.