Category Archives: mobile

Yalls what is Google trying 2 tell us via the Nexus One?

Y’ulz. Been thinking about Google lately. Trying to figure out whether 2 be excited about the Nexus One, and just how excited I should get. Should I get so amped about the Nexus One that I bash my head against a wall until my skull cracks like an egg and blood seeps into my kaftan that I bought at Kalk Bay because it came all squashed like a brick (packaging gimmick), like the rest of Twitter (via herd-mentality)?



Should I ALLCAPS on my twitter about ‘finally’ and ‘at last – the iPhone eater’ (via a good downfall-gawk?)



Should I RT EVERYTHING about the Nexus so that ppl who follow me (& pay my ‘social media salary’) will think I am ‘down with the latest developments in cellular technology’ and that I am ‘passionate about the future of technology’ & not just mooching off my employer 2 get cheap prozac (thanks Discovery) which I will negate via drinking anyway because I am actually gay and Prozac ‘don’t make u straight’?



Y’ulz, truth is I don’t know how to deal with the new contestant in the smartphone showdown. Just seems like I’d made peace with not wanting 2 ‘murder’ the retards who buy Blackberries over iPhones (y’alls SERIOUSLY – can we just take a moment here).



Feel like we should look closely at the Nexus. From my first inspeksh seems quite ordinary. Wasn’t ‘grabbed’ enough 2 take a second inspeksh so y’all enjoy:


2 quote gussilber,

“Wouldn’t it be nice if Google came up with a phone that didn’t look as if they’d just Googled an iPhone.”

Just another smartphone y’ulz. Is really just confusing things for us plebs. This kind of reminds of that one time when Jack Welch decided 2 ‘save GE’ (via investing more in plastics & pulling out in appliances). Does the arrival of the Nexus mean ‘Search is Dead’? Are GoogleAdWords the new ‘Book of the Dead’? What is Google trying 2 tell us y’ulz. Soooo confused. Just CANNOT comprehend why Googley would ‘branch out into hardware’.


Scared y’alls. Something is looming in the Googley distance. Miss you Jack. You’d know which phone 2 buy that would ‘see GE into the 21st century’ (via your email synched with your twitter). Maybe if u had an iPhone / BlackBurr / Nexus you could have prevented the recesh.

In prison. These are my memoirs.

Hey y’ulle. Bet some of y’all are thinking I’ve been very quiet for someone who gets free stuff for writing a load of crap about brands on her blog. I have been quiet, but not by choice. I might be killed for saying this, but I’m being held captive by Vodacom’s 3G “service”.

See, I took out a contract thinking having Internet at home would mean 2 things: a) more time at work to focus on winning a Grand Black Lion Eagle Canned Loerie Award at work and b) more time to focus on bringing my 70 billion or so readers a better blog, filled with truth disguised as semi-illiterate irony within the context of my life as an attention-seeking copywriter with a god-complex (ie the ‘Everyman of Advertising’).

Alas, alack, my good intentions are half-way to hell by now, as is the soul of Vodacom, for selling me a service that doesn’t actually exist. Dear readers, you’ll notice a prominent lack of ‘funny pictures’, links and my trademark random pink, orange and green word-colouring in this post, and for that I apologize. They don’t allow a full-service WYSIWYG editing suite here in prison. It’s just me, my iPhone and the WordPress app. It’s cold, and there are rat apps gnawing at my feet apps. Where is my god now?

I’m going to try and blog once more tomorrow. I doubt Vodacom will let me. They’ve already confiscated the razor blades I was going to use to terminate our contract. Not really sure what the point of living without blogging is. Might have to think it through in another low-Fi blog post. MTN, Cell C – if you’re Reading this, please, send help. Destroy this blog post after Reading it. And tell my Mom I love her.

I wait with hope,
Alex

Violated by Mr Price.

it wasn’t the best weekend, i’ll be honest. i took a few blows. the first blow came when i found out i wasn’t a finalist in the SA blog awards (rough). and literally minutes – minutes – after the nice lady at the suicide hotline had talked me out of ‘the easy way out’, i got what i can only describe as being a complete violation of my soul in the form of a Singing, Talking Mr Price Text Message.

this is not a joke. this is not some smarmy material I’ve invented for the sake of ‘interesting reading’. my phone bleeped normally, as if it were just another text message from FNB telling me someone had dropped another mil into my account, when my phone notched its volume up 5 levels and started telling me about ‘great deals’, ‘getting it’ and ‘account’.

needless to say, i had a complete meltdown.
not sure what i ever did to deserve this kind of violation. this kind of pain.

Mr Price - touching me in my special place.

Mr Price - touching me in my special place.

i dropped my phone and ran to the 24 hr engen & ate imported toffees until the police lady with the nice doggy came and walked me home.

Really Mr Price? Are you really okay with making me feel like this?
Hate life.

On the topic of calling from a private number.

I simply cannot say it better than Seth does from 2oceansvibe. Standard Bank, I’m talking to you. I know you need to reach me so I can fill out this and collect that. But I’m not going to answer your private number. I don’t care if I never get my new credit card. Really, I don’t.

And to those friends of mine who insist on taking off their caller IDs because I don’t take their calls every time they phone, you are pretty much the reason I have stopped answering my phone completely. You have spoilt it for everyone.

Seriously, y’ulle. I’m a busy person. My hair smells like rich mahogany. Why can’t you just send a text message?

Phoning someone: totally arb.

Phoning someone: totally arb.

Where do blogs come from?

One of my twest friends, Dplanet, posed a very NB twestion (twitter question) today: Where do blogs come from? Leon Jacobs said they happen when 2 blogs fall in love, but there is a step that precedes blog love. It is the step where a person ceases to be a human being and becomes a blog.

Not quite a who-man, but not quite a blog, either.

Not quite a who-man, but not quite a blog yet, either.

How does that happen exactly? It depends on the human being. (Or, who-man, being? See how our very existence challenges itself through a catchy mnemonic. Could be a cool line for an energy drink. Anyway.)

In my instance, I spent a lot of time writing / thinking / talking about / eating / drinking / sleeping / touching / feeling / singing with / dancing with / engaging with / social networking with brands. Then I realized that I was superior to other who-mans because they didn’t spend as much time focusing on brands and being branded and shiz. And then I exploded into a blog.

There were a lot of colours and chevrons, and then I was a blog.

There were a lot of colours and chevrons, and then I was a blog.

It wasn’t pretty. I *became* the idea of what my life is. Branded. S’all very logical and unromantic but the sooner you know the truth, the better.

A prerequisite to having a blog, however, is having the illusion of superiority. The great guru Woodchuck Chopra has spoken about this in his book Superio-Destiny (worth a read). As has Wheel Ronald Squelch in his best-selling Conversations With Blogs series (highly recommend). Conversations With Blogs made me understand that I am, in fact, a blog, and that everyone is also a blog at the same time.

We are all blogs, blogging about each other, being social media, being the medium, being the message, creating new jobs for advertising school graduates who really really <3 facebook, creating new jobs for socially inept techies whom we hire as ‘consultants’ to explain our existence back to us (seeing the wood for the trees and all that). Quite a sophisticated concept but Wheel Ronald Squelch makes it v accessible. Anyway now you know. LOLROFLMAOBRB4eva.

giving Peter Pan Syndrome the (re)boot. now LOLing at the pun i made in my headline. LOL. wish i was me.

the time for me to grow up has finally arrived. see, for the past 3 years i have been freeloading off the companies i work for and relying on my oral sex skills to keep me in laptops. but now in these harsh economic times it seems that not even a blowjob can get passed under the tax table without someone asking why the new girl has the MacBook Pro Aluminium Ltd Edition Steve Jobs worx, and the sad truth is that if i want a fancy laptop i am going to have to buy one. sigh.

some people ask me, “Alex, why didn’t you buy one ages ago, you are so digital and stuff, surely you want your own super duper machine??”

it’s a good question, but i have a good answer, and that is that buying a piece of digital as meaningful and statement-making as a laptop makes me want to wet myself just so that i have something else to think about. see, the machine i buy will slot me into someone’s pigeonhole, and i have a lot of brand therapy to get through before i even start on my digital brand-made persona. for example, i am still not drinking alcohol because making a decision about what to drink and hence making a statement about who i am really is too much for me. this girl can’t cope with that right now, not before i decide on my summer sunglasses brand. and now i have been forced between a work-provided desktop PC (yes they still make them LOL) and some sort of mobile digital device that says the following about me:

- i am an innovator and not afraid to try and buy new things and i am smart enough to make the choice that is not the obvious one for everyone else but totally works for me

- i am rich and have a lot of money to throw around despite everyone suffering in these harsh economic times which means i am an anomaly and hence highly desirable as a friend / colleague / blogger / girlfriend / cool chick in ur photos / person taking photos at your self-published book launch

- i have an amazing sense of style and taste that makes anyone who sees my piece of digital feel inadequate in all that they do, including their career, who they are as a person, as a lover and of course, especially, on levels of physical attractiveness

- i have my shit together yet i am also a slightly kooky wildcard and my digital piece is alternately an object of love and peace and beauty and a devastating weapon of destruction and slicey words that will blow your mind and also make you see things differently and change your perspective on how you view yourself

- that i am a self-starting innovative go-getter who will stop at nothing to release her single / publish her book / write her blog / twitter her thoughts / upload photos of her rad life / download photos of her friends’ rad lives / shop online for her favourite brands (as of yet just a handful because i am really discerning)

Do I want a laptop that talks to me and tells me Im funny and smart? Or should by laptop automatically reply to people who write to me on facebook so i dont have to? Features are very NB when choosing a laptop.

Need laptop with auto-facebook-reply to keep in touch with my "friends".

***************************************************************************************

you see how hard this decision is? do i get a sony viaoaoaooo or whatever in pastel pink because it contradicts my strong jawline? or do i get the new macbook air because it’s completely useless in south africa and it will make people wonder how i make my money? or do i go against the laptop grain and get the most advanced blackberry known to mankind and make a big deal of blogging at the family christmas or whenever i’m in a mall? would i go to malls just to blog and start a mall-blogging trend?

Which laptop brings out the natural beauty in my eyes? Which laptop makes me appear younger and prettier than I am?

Which laptop makes me appealing to child predators?

this decision will have severe repercussions, make no mistake. i just want y’ulle to know that i’m putting a lot of thought into it and can promise that i will make the right decision when the times comes, and i might change my mind, but that will be the right decision, too.

pop-up retail: sounds rad, looks bad

‘pop-up retail’ is one of those annoying phrases that marketers have been throwing around strat sessions for a good 5 years now, and i see on cherryflava that puma has finally gone and produced their very own pop-up store at the V&A waterfront. while the phrase ‘pop-up retail’ might make 2 bit strategic consultancies feel very innovative and vital to the brands they are trying to enhance, it doesn’t impress me. and while i may be wrong here, i don’t think it impresses the consumer, either.

like husky dogs, pop-up retail is a first-world import that doesn’t sit well here. sure, in a country like sweden, which has all but obliterated the bottom half of maslow’s heirarchy of needs, putting an expensive brand in a prefab shack does come off as novel. zany. funky. but in this country, which might as well be renamed ‘Shack City’ over South Africa, a prefab container just doesn’t come off as impressive. does this make you want to walk inside and spend a lot of money on tracksuits and shoes?

Wow! Glass doors! Corrugated steel walls that look like shit! Man i cant wait to shop here.

Wow! Glass doors! Corrugated steel walls that look like shit!

i also wonder why they put a pop-up store at a location that already has a real store. a real store in a real building. maybe it’s because no one goes to the new fashion wing at the waterfront? or maybe it’s because the cool coloured kids who work behind the counter in the real store are holding it hostage by refusing to turn the bad music down? maybe it’s because young hip consumers see a brand that has only one store as being ‘poor’ and therefore non-aspirational? sigh. Gen Y are so complicated, so demanding. i don’t even understand myself some times. let’s look some more at the crappy store:

Hey, isnt this enticing? My eye is drawn to the hazard tape at the top. This place looks cooking and dangerous. Wish all my lifestyle brands could look like this.

Gonna cut myself on the metal so i can feel one with the store.

yeeeeeah. remember kids, just because Puma jumps off a building, doesn’t mean you have to, too.