Category Archives: Uncategorized

Lady Diana makes pretty pictures

Got my first spool developed from my Lomo Diana Mini (above). Here are some of my favs:

You can see more in my flickr set.

should i ‘have a baby to force me to quit smoking’?

Been watching this Lily Allen video over and over. Feeling slightly inspired by England’s ‘drinking epidemic’. Having a birthday has made me introspect about ‘where I am in my career’ and ‘whether I am where I could be’. It’s made me ask important questions like ‘is it time to stop taking my pill and pretend I was still on it to my boyfriend when I fall pregnant’ – a pretty universal question all girls face at one time or another.

Definitely not digging that vibe. Am really glad I’m not ‘nearly 30 and out every night’ with my biological clock blackmailing me into fucking up my life by ‘settling for plan B guy’. Are any of you going through this?

Time to have a baby? Maybe have a baby to quit smoking? So many options. Life is so full of potential.

Time to have a baby? Maybe have a baby to quit smoking? So many options. Life is so full of potential.

Went to the VICE magazine launch on Friday night (thanks weaerawesome). It was basically like The Loeries at Assembly. Loads of advertising people. Loads of ppl passing around this lame rumour about how the band playing ‘had never left Soweto before’. Sigh. Wish I had never moved to Joburg and stopped being a ‘gullible white person’. Definitely would have been a lot of fun if I was 16 and had ‘my whole life ahead of me / my virginity intact / a set of fresh lungs / no fucking clue about “how the world works” ’. But 10 years has changed my idea of a good time, and I spent quite a lot of the evening wishing I hadn’t forgotten my MJ mask in the car, kicking the smoke out the way so I could walk.

Best party of going out is stinking like an ashtray the next day. Is my fav.

LOVE to partay and stink like an ashtray the next day. Is my fav.

A lot of drunk ppl were buzzing about The New Young Pony Club which turned out to be a chick DJ playing Justin Timberlake (true story). Luckily I went home at 11 so never saw all those sad, disappointed faces who had their pony dreams dashed. Is a good thing. Hate seeing people I know drunk because then I feel I have ‘seen their inner tard’ and can never respect them again.

A fan after witnessing the New Young Phony Club DJ set.

A fan after witnessing the New Young Phony Club DJ set.

A cunning plan by a rad hip band.

A cunning plan by 'a rad hip band'.

Saw a lot of chicks in the bathrooms applying coats and coats of lipstick. Some chick pulled her friend into the bathroom stall with her and stayed inside for like half an hour. She must have been ‘having trouble inserting her tampon’. I remember this one time at high school our guidance counsellor offered to help if any of us had any trouble inserting our tampons. There are some really caring people in this world, we should all give thanks. Also give thanks for not being ‘nearly 30 and out every night’, unless you are.

In prison. These are my memoirs.

Hey y’ulle. Bet some of y’all are thinking I’ve been very quiet for someone who gets free stuff for writing a load of crap about brands on her blog. I have been quiet, but not by choice. I might be killed for saying this, but I’m being held captive by Vodacom’s 3G “service”.

See, I took out a contract thinking having Internet at home would mean 2 things: a) more time at work to focus on winning a Grand Black Lion Eagle Canned Loerie Award at work and b) more time to focus on bringing my 70 billion or so readers a better blog, filled with truth disguised as semi-illiterate irony within the context of my life as an attention-seeking copywriter with a god-complex (ie the ‘Everyman of Advertising’).

Alas, alack, my good intentions are half-way to hell by now, as is the soul of Vodacom, for selling me a service that doesn’t actually exist. Dear readers, you’ll notice a prominent lack of ‘funny pictures’, links and my trademark random pink, orange and green word-colouring in this post, and for that I apologize. They don’t allow a full-service WYSIWYG editing suite here in prison. It’s just me, my iPhone and the WordPress app. It’s cold, and there are rat apps gnawing at my feet apps. Where is my god now?

I’m going to try and blog once more tomorrow. I doubt Vodacom will let me. They’ve already confiscated the razor blades I was going to use to terminate our contract. Not really sure what the point of living without blogging is. Might have to think it through in another low-Fi blog post. MTN, Cell C – if you’re Reading this, please, send help. Destroy this blog post after Reading it. And tell my Mom I love her.

I wait with hope,
Alex

why a ninja turtle would make a better president than He Who Shall Not Be Named

Heroes in the  half shell.

Heroes in the half shell.

Ninja turtles went to school (ninja school, but still). They completed their education, which indicates commitment and is a solid achievement in itself.

He Who Shall Not Be Named’s only commitment is to taking a shower, and his education = that of a 10 year old.

Ninja turtles fight crime. He Who Shall Not Be Named fights the forces that fight crime. Electing You Know Who into power would be like electing Shredder. Or worse, that Brain thing (Crang?), but without the brain. Just the tripod.

The Bad Guy. You dont elect bad guys, remember? No? Oh sorry, forgot, they covered that in Std 3.

The Bad Guy. You don't elect bad guys, remember? No? Oh sorry, forgot, they covered that in Std 3.

Ninja turtles have a wise master in the form of a giant rat named Splinter, whom they listen to. He Who Shall Not Be Named is too dumb to realise how dumb he is (fact: the last people to recognise incompetence are the incompetent, because they don’t know what competence is – this is backed up by studies – Google it).

How long is this namby pamby election charade going to last? Can  NPA just prosecute? And if it is going to bring all of government down, then so be it. For reals y’ulle. Sick of this shizzle. Can South Africa just make its children proud – for once – to call themselves South Africans?

*******************************************************************************

Sad Fact: When you get a Samsung phone, and then it sucks completely because it’s noisy and it freezes and it loses your data, you can just get a new phone and never have anything to do with Samsung ever again.

But when you’re born into a country who elects a complete moron to head its ruling party, you can’t do anything about it, because the whole world knows he’s a moron and blocks your passport so you can’t even leave. Sad.

At least angry/humiliated South African turtle here can hide his  face from the shame of being South African turtle.

At least angry/humiliated South African turtle here can hide his face from the shame of being South African turtle.


new old work: baring the bears

i told y’ulle earlier that i did some writing of letters and things for Mark Stead’s 3 Bears Caravan, which you can also check out in Elle Decoration’s Revamp 2009 issue. well, they can also all be found here. i’ve been told that the drawing of bear humping goldilocks doggy style is framed and up on the walls of the caravan. happy reading.



thought for the day

Happy Friday Yulle.

Happy Friday Y'ulle.

obama got the job and i’ve got a vision. let’s dance!

hey i know we advertising ppl live in a world of our own but did any of y’ulle hear?barack obama applied for the job of Prez of the United States of America and he got the job. pretty cool, huh?

gives me hope about my own dreams of becoming the President of the United States of America. LOL you can all probably guess that’s not reaaally my dream. like the parents of some rich hot chick in some movie said, Why would i want to waste my looks by using my brain?

This is a picture of me studying for my final exam back in college. Think it was Writing Eye Catching Billboards.

This is a picture of me studying for my final exam back in college. Think it was 'Writing Eye Catching Billboards".

Don’t worry y’ulle. There’s no danger of me using my brain any time soon. I’m very happy doing ppls nails (metaphorically speaking). I know that ppl value what i do and that i am useful and provide a service to someone, somewhere, and that’s all that matters, right?

Well…I’m not so sure anymore. You know as long as things are going badly (Southafricanland’s future president is a criminal & there’s a recession) i feel pretty okay with my lot because i can compare it too how bad things must be for other people (like any one of Jacob Zuma’s possibly HIV infected 9 wives or anyone who’s been retrenched due to the recession). But now that things have gone so well for Obama i kinda want to know when i can achieve my dream of being a respected copywriter-pop artist with my hit single ‘I Wanna Be Ur Facebook Girlfriend’ and the video in which i am naked except for *Sparkles* the editors have put on my hoo-hoo in post-production, while i dance against a slippery wall in the LA desert.

I have been called competitive, but really i am just resentful when people are more successful than me. - Alex van Tondress, S. African Advertising Pop Star

"I have been called 'competitive', but really i am just resentful when people are more successful than me." - Alex van Tondress, S. African Advertising Pop Star

Other tracks i have possibly lined up for my album include “Deep Etched Sex”, “Word Of My Mouth”, “Let’s Get Tactical”, “Sex Sells” and “Buy Me More”. let’s not forget my special track in honour of Obama called “Wham Bam Thank You M’am”. of course, i would release them for free on myspacebookster first, along with stills from the *Sparkles* scene, and get at least 1 alcohol or sneaker sponsor before i even started speaking to labels, so i know that i still have a lot of work ahead of me. luckily i am very pretty so it goes without saying that i work hard and am determined.

do y’ulle feel similarly affected by Obama’s success? are you jealous / resentful / envious / angry / horny? does Obama’s success make you want to consume brands that position themselves as successful in any way? like does it make you want to trade in your Mac for a Dell? or maybe you want to play PS3 instead of Wii now to honour the fact that the President of the USA is black and no longer white? does Obama’s success make you want to smoke expensive cigars and drink expensive whisky while you talk about expensive brandy in your expensive ‘businessman’s hotel’ on your expensive trip to Japan? I’m just trying to get a feel for what kind of ‘knock-on effect’ or ‘paradigm shift’ will come about as a result of this new president meme.

Obama has a lot of hard work ahead of him. he’s probably stressing, and obviously the Oval Office will now be working double time figuring out endorsement deals and what kind of brands will be appropriate as sponsors for their new pres. he’s probably feeling a bit confused as to which offers he should accept and which he should decline and ‘bank for later’. it will be a very difficult role. i would have a very tough time deciding between wearing Armani or Hugo Boss (and that’s just suits, we haven’t even touched on fragrance yet). Louis Vuitton is probably a bit tacky for luggage for a pres – i would advice him to go Gucci, maybe Prada. just thinking about the kinds of tough brand decisions Obama will have to make kinda gets me dizzy and wondering whether i’d really be able to cope with the pressures of fame.

i mean, an entire generation of men and their girlfriends are relying on him to save them from the grave fashion errors Bush is known for making. i salute you, Obama. you are a brave man to take on these challenges. but you have looked very well groomed and hot thus far, so i have a lot of faith that you will surround yourself with the hottest stylists and some honest fashion advisors and it will all be okay.

analysing Obama’s success like this has totally given me insight into how i can achieve my own success. see here i was giving myself ‘specialist online skills’ and ‘building my niche appeal through experience with social media’ to differentiate myself from all the other copywriter-pop stars out there, but all i really need is a good stylist and a wax therapist that i can trust. my eyes have been opened. i’m gonna change my facebook status right away. i now have concrete goals and a vision. i’m gonna start right now by getting a belly ring. yes i can, y’ulle!

The face of determination. I can haz it, yulle.

The face of determination. I can haz it, y'ulle.