so Jupiter sold just under half their company to WPP, which owns every ad agency on the planet that those other 2 big holding companies don’t. I’ll bet shareholders at Jupiter had a grand old day and maybe went out and bought 10 Porsches and Damien Hirst’s Diamond Skull to celebrate. that’s cool. it takes something special to make a place named after a big gassy planet work.
"Hi, I'm a Jupiter Shareholder and I'm so rich I only drink water that collects in the cup of the rare Eagle Moon Orchid that flowers once a year. I'm very dedicated to my health."
"Hi I'm a Jupiter Shareholder and this is my car. I keep it this white by washing it with water collected from the petals of the rare Moon Eagle Orchid."
In light of this deal, I’m considering accepting WPP’s proposal to buy my personal brand. i guess it would be quite a mission because i would have to be audited, and then ‘placed under review’. I’d have to freeze my assets and bonuses and standardise the salary increase i give myself every few days. this might be a problem since i am of the ‘old school’ that believes in living fast and dancing in the rain like no one is watching tomorrow, so my assets are ethereal things, ideals, really. has anyone ever had their ideals audited? does it involve a written questionnaire? I am not very into multiple choice.
The people in this photo are a) art directors b) copywriters with iPhoto c) advertising students 'singing the song, thinking this is the life' d) AFDA students brainstorming at Royale.
I sure wish I was a Jupiter shareholder right now. i would mos def exceed my daily withdrawal limit / electronic transfer limit / inter-account transfer limit. I’d stroll down the road and buy the Fat Cactus. And then burn it to the ground. I’d burn R200 notes in front of my middle-class friends, so that they understand that i have matured and am no longer the same person i was in high school. sometimes friends tend to see you as the gawky, pimpled fat person you were when you met in high school. burning money would probably cement my new identity as ‘one of the top 100 rich ppl in Southafricanland’, and it would might make them fear me slightly and therefore be nicer to me because that’s what true friendship is all about.
True friendship: It's not about 'doing the fan' for your facebook profile pic.
has a holding company ever bought a personal brand before? I know that deals like this have to be very ‘carefully structured’ and stuff like that. things i would insist in my contract would include:
– I would retain 51% ownership so that when the time came to diss one of my friends / pull out of a party i committed to / buy a new pair of All Stars, I would have control over who was dissed / whether I excuse myself via SMS or just not pitch / which colour or hi-top vs. ankle jacks.
Wanna be free to hang out in my bedroom while my friends take photos of me lying against my bed with my All Stars casually positioned strategically.
– I would be able to insist that 50% of my friends and all people who approach me with free drinks and offers of sex at The Assembly / poke me on facebook / add me on myspace / @MyBrandedLifeTM me on Twitter are all black because black peeps are notoriously cooler than whites or coloured or any other ethnicity. Also black peeps will enhance my street cred and will result in possible collaborations with other strong personal brands like Eminem / Dr Dre / Whoopi Goldberg.
A black person. Cooler than you'll ever be.
Black people 4 eva.
– I would work some sort of automatic Jewishness into the contract because it’ll stand me in good business stead, plus it’ll hopefully bring body to my very straight, very uncurly hair. Always wanted wavy, curly hair. Even willing to drop my GHD endorsement for it.
– A permanent spot at the front of the Woolies queue. Nothing is more devastating to my PB than the reflection of myself in the Woolies plexiglass, kicking my basket of Fat Free White Peach Yoghurt and Chuckles forward in front of me, as I inch closer to the till.
– Double points on my Vida card every time I swipe. Am kind of tired of buying 7 cups of coffee a day so I can get a free coffee every Friday. Paying for Vida is kind of what plebby City Varsity Students who have just discovered Vida do. Feel like I’m beyond this. Pls organise.
– Somebody to write and think of cool stuff for my contract because this is getting boring.
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question: do y’ulle think it’s hypocritical to build an agency and call it ‘independent’ and then sell it for loads of $$$$$$? some ppl who live in the comments of this article think so. i kind of don’t know what the point of being creative for other ppl is if you don’t make $$$$$$$$$. ya know?
"Using your god-given talents to make people who are not-you rich is like shooting yourself in the nose to spite your ear." - The richest oppenheimer
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Sub-topic: The Money Effect
A study into consumer / employee behaviour by Alex van Tonder.
Insight: People feel happy and free to be productive and amazing and fulfilled and valued and inspired to reach unchartered territories and be loyal when you pay them lots of $$$$$$ and give them Macbooks.
Recommendation: Pay the ppl you like most lots of $$$$$$$$$$$$ and give them Macbooks.
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See how simple life is? Oh, what’s that? You want me to run your company? Send your proposal of my employment contract to alex@mybrandedlife.com.
MyBrandedLife(TM) 