Tag Archives: digital

My latest business venture

Y’ulz, I am an entrepreneur. Did y’ulz know that? Sometimes I can’t ‘touch you’ via blogging because I am ‘running this town tonight’.

N E wayz…


I hav a dream. And that dream is to cre8 my vry own facebook appy. It will be called FUCKVILLE, and its appeal is quite logical y’all. Basically, various small, lonely animals will wonder in and out of your fbook profile, and you will be offered the chance 2 ‘fuck them’.

A screenshot of how the average user will interface with Fuckville.

What do y’als think? Am basically pitching it to my VC bros as ‘the ultimate facebook app, a rollercoaster ride of sex, sheep and fuckery’. Think it’ll be a hit y’ulle? Am going to do a spot market research poll (for my FLYSWAT analysis later, pls leave your answer as a comment):

Will FUCKVILLE be a hit appy?

a) You’re a fucking genius Alex. Fucking fuck.

b) Of course it will. You can make an app out of anything and the laggards on the facebook adoption cycle will lap it up because they’re lower middle-class worker ants who drive third-hand hatchbacks and aspire to being head supervisor at the forklift company and playing Fuckville will allow them to ‘take back their time’ (via looking like they’re working)

c) No ways. Fucking sheep is sooooo 2000-and-late

d) If you release this app into the armies of spammy app-lapping tards on facebook I will kill myself and leave this blog post open on my laptop so ppl know why I did it.

e) There is already an app like this, except they call ‘fucking’ “farming”. Perhaps the similarity is intentional?


Appreciate your help on my individual journey to entrepreneurial greatness. If you would like the once-in-a-lifetime chance 2 be a part of this ‘sure thing’ y’als can drop me a comment telling me the top 5 ‘animals people like 2 fuck’ & I will get back 2 you based on the acumen displayed in your insights. Thanks 4 helping me ‘work night and day’ 2 make the internet ‘a more fun place’ for y’ulz.

busy. like a person that has too much to do and no laptop to take it all home and do it on.

Ever feel like your To do list is laughing at you?

Ever feel like your 'To do list' is laughing at you?

still adjusting to the madness that is the beginning of the year.

what’s on my plate that’s stopping me from filling your RSS feeds with ramblings about brands, mostly my personal one? many things. i’ll write you a list:

1. Finding a new home. Flat-hunting in Cape Town is nothing short of a soul-destroying experience. I do believe i have found a haven of a nest though, and i’ll speak more about it once i’ve signed the lease.

2. Work. Believe it or not, i don’t only swan around picking up my bags of free stuff all day. Some of the people who give me free stuff expect me to work for them. And some of the people who don’t give me free stuff expect me to work for them, too. I am not yet my own economy. Not just yet.

3. Grooming the Llama out back. This takes up a lot of time. Llamas like their fur, they don’t like to be brushed, dampened or sheared. But duties are duties, I guess.

They know whats coming.

They know what's coming.

4. Looking for a new camera. My old camera was delightful little Ixus. Now, there are so many Ixuses (Ixii?) to choose from that I’m feeling a little stumped. Canon, I have been your loyal customer for years now. You want to send me a sample of your wares? My life is a testament to your products. Just keep reading. You’ll see.

5. Spending all my gift vouchers. This Christmas, I got R200 000 worth of gift vouchers for an assortment of stores / brands / spas / restaurants. As you can imagine, it’s taken a bit of time to work my way through them all. So far my bounty includes: 6 handbags (Prada, Guess – crass i know, but it’s one of their less crass ones and hey, it ain’t my money – , 9 West, Mr Price temps, a Big Blue special), 3 pairs of jeans (Paige, Seven, Diesel-Adidas colabs), 3 x perfumes (Michael Kors, D&G, Prada), 1 x LV Speedy (why not?), a LOT of books, 2 x day treatments at the Westin / Sheraton hotels, 3 x sunglasses (Spitfire still the only shapes i like apart from the big square Diors i found), iPhone, iPod (shuffle, for running), running shoes (New Balance babies)… and that’s it so far. think i have just over R150k left to spend. How ever will i do it? Maybe over 2 years? Buying stuff just gets boring after a while. Plus it adds to the clutter. Truly bad.


So now you know. in other news…

Check out the latest Elle Decoration Revamp 2009 issue for the article on the Grand Daddy Air Stream Mobile hotels. In the one about Mark Stead’s 3 Bears Caravan, you’ll see pics of some bear letters and writings that i did. Some very warped bear letters and writings. Ah, good times.

Until tomorrow, my branded friends, i say goodnight.

i’m gonna add you. and then delete you. i’m gonna add you.

Strangers are just friends waiting to be met. Lets just be strangers.

Strangers are just friends waiting to be met. "Let's just be strangers".

today i’m going through my facebook friends list, and checking it twice. feel like some of your wide-angle profile pics aren’t really doing much for my reading pleasure. and now that marketing has reached glorious new heights, if i delete you, you’ll know. because i’m gonna get something out of deleting you. i’m gonna get a free burger. that’s right, a free burger.

Me and my best facebook friend. We have so much fun.

Me and my best facebook friend. We have so much fun.

it’s no big deal. we were never great friends anyway. i met you through a friend of a friend and you’d just read Hey Whipple and you thought we had soooo much in common. i accepted your friend request because i figured i might be able to use you for my own gain, some day. delete.

We had this amazing connection. Yeah. Its called the internet.

"We had this amazing connection." Yeah. It's called "the internet".

and it ain’t no thang with you either. we went to primary school together, back when it was still called ‘primary school’. i had a crush on you because i was limited for choice. now i see your insipid little face for what it is: white trash. delete.

Friendship is only real when the age gap is at least 15 years and you all sit on a bus together.

Friendship is only real when the age gap is at least 15 years and you all sit on a bus together.

as for you. i met you one night backstage at some band thing i was covering. back when i used to write for that cute little mag that liked to think of itself as a post-modern Rolling Stone. later that night you covered yourself in your own vomit. it’s the only thing we talk about, when i actually reply to your mails. delete.

Real friends like to get their digits stuck in finger traps for days (forces intimate conversation and sharing of living spaces, boyfriends, etc).

Real friends like to get their digits stuck in finger traps for days (forces intimate conversation and sharing of living spaces, boyfriends, etc).

and then of course, there’s you. i guess there was a time when i might have called you my ‘boss’. guess that was back before you revealed yourself to be a liar. you lied about the job description, you lied about company resources, you lied to your clients, and then you were caught plagiarising. real world’s a bitch. delete.

Youre not officially friends until you have an attic clubhouse where you can look at each others clothes and talk about having a yard sale.

You're not officially "friends" until you have an attic clubhouse where you can look at each others clothes and talk about having a yard sale.

hey. it’s you! we were best friends once. now we lurk around each other’s profiles, spying on each other’s friends, reading a little too much into everything. i still like you, though. you can stay.

Youre not friends until youre a band of white horses, running free and groovy through the electro orchards of contemporary Cape Town.

You're not friends until you're a band of white horses, running free and groovy through the electro orchards of contemporary Cape Town.

oh, but you. i don’t even know how i know you, though facebook says we have 15 friends in common. i don’t even know what you look like. you could be Sadam Hussein for all i know. but no. you are some arb with some arb name, polluting my news feed with your status updates and your photo tags and your notes. you send me requests to put me on your BFF birthday calendar, and you send me growing gifts. this isn’t healthy. i’m ending this for us. maybe some day our paths will cross and we will never even know that we were once fbook friends. until then, adieu. delete.

Were not friends until you adore me and carry me around.

We're not friends until you adore me and carry me around.

hey you. we once lived together, for a bit. we could have been best friends, but life – and a landlord – got in the way. every time i see your status i feel a little guilty because i should see you more. since i feel guilty about everything from putting an extra half spoon of sugar in my tea (bad G.I.) to not updating my blog to ignoring my phone on the odd Friday night (ok, every Friday night), i’m gonna scrape your name off my guilt platter, to give myself a break. love ya. delete.

Were not friends until we cross a cultural barrier and offend the people we love. So i can stroke your soft white feathers.

We're not friends until we cross a cultural barrier and offend the people we love. So i can stroke your soft white feathers.

oh, and you! we once worked together for that lame promo company. i was nice to you because everyone pretended to be nice to everyone. the truth is i think you’re bland, dull and gormless. delete.

*********************************************************2 more to go til burger time….******************************************

and then there is you, mr generic person who added me because all your friends added me. there’s no nice way to say this but…you’re lame. go tag a wall in Rondebosch or something. delete.

Were not friends until you take ambient shots of me with your Polaroid in your bedroom.

We're not friends until you take ambient shots of me with your Polaroid in your bedroom.

and lastly, we have you, friend of friends. you, who has not much else to talk about (not that we talk – by talk i mean ‘update your fbook status’) but how drunk you got last night. or how hungover you are this morning. it’s like being inside the Ground Hog Day of your Loser’s Complex. as fascinating as it is to read about how drunk you did / can / will / want to get, i’m sorry, it’s time for you to go now. delete.

Were not friends unless youre a little white bird that brings me dreams while i sleep.

We're not friends unless you're a little white bird that brings me dreams while i sleep.

and now. for my burger. mwah ha ha. see you in fbook hell, fuckers.


thinking of showing my boobs. trying to make my porti unique.

it’s tough being in advertising today. once upon a time, nobody even knew it was a career. nobody believed that you could get paid to think up funny / smart / relevant / enagaging / viral / cool / prestigious / down-to-earth / honest / housewifey / working daddish / [insert name of target market and or their values here] ideas and call it a job.

things have changed. these days everyone is in advertising. everyone is zany. everyone is cool. warhol said everyone would be famous, but he didn’t say everyone was going to be awesome.

Everyone is zany and creative and pushing deadlines and consumer promises.

Everyone is zany and creative and pushing deadlines and consumer promises. It's called Being The Brand. You are the brand. You are the trend. You are the future. You are now. Be with me. Here. With my brand. Now. Together we will collaborate and appeal to more people than we would appeal to if we were apart.

these days  even the beggar who sits outside my gate at home has his own corporate colours for the chalk board he holds up. i know this because i offered him some spare chalk the other day and he only took the blue and the orange chalk because ‘these are my colours’.

struggling to come to terms with what the world is coming to.

been feeling something like this:

new year! / new porti!

so been looking over other peoples’ portfolios to get some inspiration as to how i can differentiate myself from the masses of creatives out there and their personal creative copywriter / art director brands. and then further differentiate myself as a professional who can create brands that i’m not personally involved with.

*****************************************************************

“Talent is no longer about original ideas. Talent is about being able to come up with original ideas that are not based on or created for / by you or your experiences, but look like they were created by the person they were created for.” – Alex van Tonder, in an interview with Bill Bernbacklett

************************************************************

i’m not sure how not to get personally involved with the brands i work on. just like i’m not sure how to not hook up with all the men at my office. wish i’d saved one of them for a rainy day. maybe i can create controversy within the agency by pulling a Lindsay Lohan and kissing a client service chick and then refusing to answer any questions. although when i kissed Jenny that one night at Diaz Tavern no one even asked any questions.

you see what i mean when i say that it’s hard to differentiate yourself these days?

Another agency party at some obscure pub in Gardens Industria. Ive got sooooo many of these pics its almost not even worth uploading it. Ever feel like all truly great ideas have already been done? Paris Hilton did blowjobs and penetration. Lindsay and Britney did their crotch-flashings. Sharon Stone did that leg-cross thing in Basic Instinct. The world is so competitive yulle. Really hard for me to keep ahead of the curve when it comes to showing what makes me special as a copywriter, what makes me different to all the other copywriters out there.

Another agency party at some obscure pub in Gardens Industria. I've got sooooo many of these pics it's almost not even worth uploading it. Ever feel like all truly great ideas have already been done? Paris Hilton did blowjobs and penetration. Lindsay and Britney did their crotch-flashings. Sharon Stone did that leg-cross thing in Basic Instinct. The world is so competitive y'ulle. Really hard for me to keep ahead of the curve when it comes to showing what makes me special as a copywriter, what makes me different to all the other copywriters out there.

NEwayz… back to the porti. should it be digital? should i invent a program that allows you to download my porti in a nanosecond? maybe i can make it so small that you have to view it with nanoglasses on nano chips? will nano still be big in 2010 or am i running with a fad here?

Should I pressurise my own blood and spray out my headlines under water so that Creative Directors see that I understand new media?

Should I pressurise my own blood and spray out my headlines under water so that Creative Directors see that I understand new media?

or should i keep my porti old school? big red leatherbound book with my name embossed in Cooper Bold in White letters? feel like there is a certain amount of gravitas when i whack down a beast of a porti like that on a Creative Director’s desk. although i haven’t actually used it since i graduated way back in 2004. since then, a well-written email that conveys my ability to stay calm in the face of chaos has gotten me every job i’ve ever had.

An example of the well-written, to-the-point letter that got me my job at King James.

An example of the well-written, to-the-point letter that got me my job at King James.

i’ve heard that some legendary creatives don’t even have portfolios, they just email a list of awards annuals and corresponding page numbers when they’re looking for a job. that feels a little wanky to me. i feel like if someone made me wade through crusty awards annuals that gather like dust in the corners of agency toilets, i wouldn’t want to offer them a job. unless it was dusting the awards annuals gathering weevils in the agency toilets.

Does NE one out there still care about awards? If i have a list of awards longer than my hair will you want to hire me? Or would you be more inclined to hire me if i just sent you a link to my blog with pictures of myself taking photos of myself on it? Wish someone had answers for me. Im feeling the photo vibe more. Just coz I know my good side.

Does NE one out there still care about awards? If i have a list of awards longer than my hair will you want to hire me? Or would you be more inclined to hire me if i just sent you a link to my blog with pictures of myself taking photos of myself on it? Wish someone had answers for me. I'm feeling the photo vibe more. Just coz I know my good side.

maybe i should record my porti into an album and take off my clothes to promote it. i’d go around the country doing signings which double up as interviews. being Gen Y, it is all about me interviewing the agency and not the other way round. i’d listen as they tell me how they want to help me ‘grow my craft’ and ‘collaborate and cross pollinate‘ my tech-savvy skills with their experienced eye for Letraset.

Collaboration across the generation gap is key to moving forward in the future.

Collaboration across the generation gap is key to moving forward in the future.

i’m going to make this porti quest my holiday project. gonna come back with some fresh material. gonna come back with a come back.

“I see you. And I just wanna dance with you. LOLOLOLOL.” – Brutney Spears

giving Peter Pan Syndrome the (re)boot. now LOLing at the pun i made in my headline. LOL. wish i was me.

the time for me to grow up has finally arrived. see, for the past 3 years i have been freeloading off the companies i work for and relying on my oral sex skills to keep me in laptops. but now in these harsh economic times it seems that not even a blowjob can get passed under the tax table without someone asking why the new girl has the MacBook Pro Aluminium Ltd Edition Steve Jobs worx, and the sad truth is that if i want a fancy laptop i am going to have to buy one. sigh.

some people ask me, “Alex, why didn’t you buy one ages ago, you are so digital and stuff, surely you want your own super duper machine??”

it’s a good question, but i have a good answer, and that is that buying a piece of digital as meaningful and statement-making as a laptop makes me want to wet myself just so that i have something else to think about. see, the machine i buy will slot me into someone’s pigeonhole, and i have a lot of brand therapy to get through before i even start on my digital brand-made persona. for example, i am still not drinking alcohol because making a decision about what to drink and hence making a statement about who i am really is too much for me. this girl can’t cope with that right now, not before i decide on my summer sunglasses brand. and now i have been forced between a work-provided desktop PC (yes they still make them LOL) and some sort of mobile digital device that says the following about me:

- i am an innovator and not afraid to try and buy new things and i am smart enough to make the choice that is not the obvious one for everyone else but totally works for me

- i am rich and have a lot of money to throw around despite everyone suffering in these harsh economic times which means i am an anomaly and hence highly desirable as a friend / colleague / blogger / girlfriend / cool chick in ur photos / person taking photos at your self-published book launch

- i have an amazing sense of style and taste that makes anyone who sees my piece of digital feel inadequate in all that they do, including their career, who they are as a person, as a lover and of course, especially, on levels of physical attractiveness

- i have my shit together yet i am also a slightly kooky wildcard and my digital piece is alternately an object of love and peace and beauty and a devastating weapon of destruction and slicey words that will blow your mind and also make you see things differently and change your perspective on how you view yourself

- that i am a self-starting innovative go-getter who will stop at nothing to release her single / publish her book / write her blog / twitter her thoughts / upload photos of her rad life / download photos of her friends’ rad lives / shop online for her favourite brands (as of yet just a handful because i am really discerning)

Do I want a laptop that talks to me and tells me Im funny and smart? Or should by laptop automatically reply to people who write to me on facebook so i dont have to? Features are very NB when choosing a laptop.

Need laptop with auto-facebook-reply to keep in touch with my "friends".

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you see how hard this decision is? do i get a sony viaoaoaooo or whatever in pastel pink because it contradicts my strong jawline? or do i get the new macbook air because it’s completely useless in south africa and it will make people wonder how i make my money? or do i go against the laptop grain and get the most advanced blackberry known to mankind and make a big deal of blogging at the family christmas or whenever i’m in a mall? would i go to malls just to blog and start a mall-blogging trend?

Which laptop brings out the natural beauty in my eyes? Which laptop makes me appear younger and prettier than I am?

Which laptop makes me appealing to child predators?

this decision will have severe repercussions, make no mistake. i just want y’ulle to know that i’m putting a lot of thought into it and can promise that i will make the right decision when the times comes, and i might change my mind, but that will be the right decision, too.

self-conscious media

my boyfriend. he’s making it:

A final proof in a test prints body.

A final proof in a test print's body.

this got me thinking about things. about how we go about our days in-agency, creating stuff that sometimes gets used, but let’s face it most of it doesn’t. and where does it go? what does it do? i’ve also been reading Eckhart Tolle’s new book called A New Earth and in it he talks about how everything – even a rock – has an energy or a spirit. which makes me even a little more creeped out by the ideas we have which never come to fruition and instead lie around on scamp pads and in expensive half-filled Moleskines for ever and ever.

One of my books filled with ideas that will make me a millionaire.

One of my books filled with ideas that will "make me a millionaire". Will this happy rainbow hand sign come and poke my eyes out in the night? I'm not coping.

“Inside every double-paged spread is a billboard waiting to break free.”

I once read a book called The Raw Shark Texts about a guy who got haunted by Conceptual Sharks – which are basically forgotten ideas that have ganged up together and become quite vicious and ready to bite a chunk out of your brain. That book freaked me out as well. I had visions of that half-finished campaign about a sneaker cleaner creeping up on me at inconvenient times. Like when you burp up tequila in your monday morning status meeting. And then the realisation dawns that you weren’t drinking tequila last night and all you can remember is kissing your mom goodbye when it was still light…

So ANyways:

Check out this new fashion (also invented by my boyfriend) when you print out text brackets and stick them on your REAL face to give yourself a touch of digemo / abbbreviated text cool / to better convey what you are feeling  to young people who only understand stuff when it’s followed by an emoticion :) Coming soon: (!!!) in the middle of your forehead.

At first glance this young lad appears to be slightly perturbed, but from the smiley face brackets on his glasses you can see he is actually in quote a good mood.

Digemo Doo: At first glance this young lad appears to be slightly perturbed, but from the smiley face brackets on his glasses you can see he is actually in quote a good mood.

digital type fun

telescopic text totally rocks.

The Loerie Awards 2008

wow. i have to say, i am impressed. from ramshackle seaside event to slick sunny extravaganza, The Loerie Awards finally grew into all its potential this time round. i think one’s experience of the awards depends on a number of factors, including where you’re staying, who you’re with, etc. This year we stayed slap bang in the middle of Margate in the flats about the Rondevoux Mall, which made access to shops, the beach and ceremony exceptionally easy, and thus we had a great weekend. the weather in Margate was sheer perfection – not muggy, very sunny and the water was warm and swimmable, so i managed to fit in a mini seaside holiday in the off-time. the rest of the time was spent catching up with people i haven’t seen in ages, which is a large part of what makes going so much fun. here are some of my pics, i will add a few more later. oh, and here’s the link to the saturday winners and the sunday winners.

before we left, we made a whole bunch of enlarged Jason faces. Jason works with us in client service, and in his spare time he is a paramedic and a bit of a dork. we like to make fun of the fact that he never doesnt pull a blue steel face in photos. we also like to make fun of his Safety First policy.

before we left, we made a whole bunch of enlarged Jason faces. Jason works with us in client service, and in his spare time he is a paramedic and a bit of a dork. we like to make fun of the fact that he never doesn't pull a blue steel face in photos. we also like to make fun of his 'Safety First' policy.

We even got Jason to stop freaking out long enough to embrace his faces in a totem pole formation.

We even got Jason to stop freaking out long enough to embrace his faces in a totem pole formation.

We made the Mugg & Bean waiters quite nervous.

We made the Mugg & Bean waiters quite nervous.

Digital won a whole bunch of awards on Saturday night, which made people say things like We really need to get into digital,. Hmm. Rather late than never, I guess.

Digital won a whole bunch of awards on Saturday night, which made people say things like "We really need to get into digital,". Hmm. Rather late than never, I guess.

I was really impressed by the various screens on the stage. A vast improvement from just 2 screens with a barely legible powerpoint presentation on it. This actually looked good, and you could see the work, which is what we were there for, after all.

I was really impressed by the various screens on the stage. A vast improvement from just 2 screens with a barely legible powerpoint presentation on it. This actually looked good, and you could see the work, which is what we were there for, after all.

More stage prettiness.

More stage prettiness.

Arguably the biggest awards (Television Grand Prix) went to King James for the Allan Gray ad, Beautiful. I think they deserved it.

Arguably the biggest awards (Television Grand Prix) went to King James for the Allan Gray ad, "Beautiful". I think they deserved it.

This is an action shot I managed to capture during our Friday night braai in Margate. At some point someone threw breadrolls, which resulted in a fully fledged food fight. Here we have a precious shot of the tomatoes landing on Michaels head.

This is an action shot I managed to capture during our Friday night braai in Margate. At some point someone threw breadrolls, which resulted in a fully fledged food fight. Here we have a precious shot of the tomatoes landing on Michael's head.

Me and Jean, who is now a designer at Grid.

Me and Jean, who is now a designer at Grid.

Christian, Brandt and me. Thunda.com was everywhere, capturing the memories youd rather not have.

Christian, Brandt and me. Thunda.com was everywhere, capturing the memories you'd rather not have.

Rei and Mark on the beach, where we found respite from the loud and bad house music at BackLine.

Rei and Mark on the beach, where we found respite from the loud and bad house music at BackLine.

Looking a little sunburnt, I found Jen lurking at the back of Backline.

Looking a little sunburnt, I found Jen lurking at the back of Backline.

a day of lists

first one being South African Twitter users wiki.

and then second being number 1638 on the Million Blog List experiment.

found quote of the day: talking about facebook not allowed

facebook

at an article talking about facebook being valued at $15 billion. madness.

how to use twitter – a beginner’s guide

for those of you who just can’t bring yourself to set up another account, reading the do’s and don’t’s offers a lot of insight into how Twitter works. Extract from full article Don’t tweet like a n00b by Brian Oberkirch.

“Do:

allow for a bit of mystery. Showing a little leg is far sexier than parading all your bits about: look at meeeeee. Go for pointilism & not photorealism. A little daub will do ya.

Try not to:

reveal that you are a crazy person.

Don’t:
overdo the @ tweets. It’s a stage whisper. For everything else, there is the D command. Learn it. Love it.”

 

 

twitter users, as defined by Jeremiah Owyang

“Twitter is for the highly engaged, early-adopter, pro-technology user. This is the ‘influence’ community, meaning they will shape the direction of others in each of their respective lives. It’s highly likely that these users participate in other forms of online publishing and communication like blogging, Facebook, or use mobile activity. In short, it’s the ‘coolkids’ of the webspace, and yes, that includes John Edwards.”

as you may be able to tell, i’m spending a lot of time on Jeremiah’s site. for the full article, click here.

Phrase of the week: Digital Native

“Digital Native”: someone who has grown up with technology, a market you won’t reach anywhere but in the digital arena. In other words, the next generation. Thanks Jeremiah.