Y’ulz, I am an entrepreneur. Did y’ulz know that? Sometimes I can’t ‘touch you’ via blogging because I am ‘running this town tonight’.
N E wayz…
I hav a dream. And that dream is to cre8 my vry own facebook appy. It will be called FUCKVILLE, and its appeal is quite logical y’all. Basically, various small, lonely animals will wonder in and out of your fbook profile, and you will be offered the chance 2 ‘fuck them’.
A screenshot of how the average user will interface with Fuckville.
What do y’als think? Am basically pitching it to my VC bros as ‘the ultimate facebook app, a rollercoaster ride of sex, sheep and fuckery’. Think it’ll be a hit y’ulle? Am going to do a spot market research poll (for my FLYSWAT analysis later, pls leave your answer as a comment):
Will FUCKVILLE be a hit appy?
a) You’re a fucking genius Alex. Fucking fuck.
b) Of course it will. You can make an app out of anything and the laggards on the facebook adoption cycle will lap it up because they’re lower middle-class worker ants who drive third-hand hatchbacks and aspire to being head supervisor at the forklift company and playing Fuckville will allow them to ‘take back their time’ (via looking like they’re working)
c) No ways. Fucking sheep is sooooo 2000-and-late
d) If you release this app into the armies of spammy app-lapping tards on facebook I will kill myself and leave this blog post open on my laptop so ppl know why I did it.
e) There is already an app like this, except they call ‘fucking’ “farming”. Perhaps the similarity is intentional?
Appreciate your help on my individual journey to entrepreneurial greatness. If you would like the once-in-a-lifetime chance 2 be a part of this ‘sure thing’ y’als can drop me a comment telling me the top 5 ‘animals people like 2 fuck’ & I will get back 2 you based on the acumen displayed in your insights. Thanks 4 helping me ‘work night and day’ 2 make the internet ‘a more fun place’ for y’ulz.
Posted in facebook, innovation, insight, technology
Tagged applications, digital, entrepreneur, farmville, fuckville, mybrandedlife, south africa, stupid apps people use on facebook
2 blog y’ulle. too much pressure. what should i do? should i ‘off myself’? should i ‘do lines off my keyboard’? what to do y’ulle?
Feel like my electronically synchronised life is mocking me.
Think I might have a case of 'The Imposter Syndrome' starring Matt Damon
Am I a PussyCatDoll Song (via being careful what i wish for coz i might just darn got it)?
Gonna do a post about how a healthy lifestyle is how I keep my blog so skinny & that I shun drug use via getting annorexia in protest.
Appreciate your support during this ‘turning point’ in my career. Am well aware it is ‘make or break’ time. Do y’ulz have any advice 4 me as i ‘transform’? Thinking of shaving my head and smacking up a pap. What y’als thank?
Y’ulz this whole new national logo has totally inspired me. Feel like now that ‘mediocrity is celebrated’ I can rly take my place in the world. Makes me think back to those days at Ad School when Brian Searle-Tripp told me my design work ‘looked like a plumber did it’ and see it in a whole new way. I was being praised y’all! Shouldn’t have quit design & become a writer instead. Should have ‘embraced my mediocrity’!
Wish someone told me that ‘the world hates competence’ sooner. Wish someone reminded me of ‘what happened 2 piggy’. Could have had a lot more fun ‘doing drugs at varsity’ and ‘binge-eating junk food’ instead of ‘working rly hard at being a good writer & not fat’ so I could ‘come out on top’. Wish someone had told me ‘everyone hates an achiever!’ sooner. Feel like I have born the burden of ‘taking pride in wot i do & who I am’ 4 too long now.
2 dumb 2 be liked (via S-ingTFU)
You know how ‘life is filled with contradictions & mysteries’? Think this is one of them y’ulz. Repeat after me:
“if you want to be the best, don’t be the best, and you will be the best” – Alex van Tonderstein
Feel like I’ve discovered ‘the meaning of life’.
An inspiration 2 designers / people everywhere.
Y’ulz was googling ‘how 2 sue your parents’ when i read that SouthAfricanland has a new logo and that this is it.
Our New National Logo.
Feel very relieved y’ulz. Was real worried SA would brand themselves as ‘aspirational’ via using 1 of the 15 classic fonts & make all the rich ppl of the world want 2 live here thereby ‘making sushi unaffordable 2 the masses’. So glad there’s no danger of ‘appearing world class’ (via hiring a designer 2 design the logo). So glad SAfricanland decided to ‘give the youth a chance’ & ‘created a job’ via commissioning one of Jacob Zuma’s 5-year-olds to design it.
"Every cabinet member is competent until proven incompetent, okay y'als?"
How do y’ulz feel about ‘brand SAfrica’? Does it compliment your personal brand / make a kiff bumper sticker / inspire u to ‘fuck some stripper and snort CAT because your wife is a pregnant cow & u were meant for greater things’ / make u want 2 start a racist trending topic on twitter? Let me know y’als. Wanna ‘know who you are’ via your reaction 2 our National Logo. So glad we’re on this ‘journey of discovery’ together.
Hey y’ulz. Went for a stroll round the internet. Met the video below in a park. We chatted. I watched the video. Then the video said ‘See ya round’ and let someone else watch it. Little slut. Sorry – I didn’t rly mean that. Am just ‘feeling hurt’ that I cannot share the branded ‘rite of passage experiences that accompany driving a citigolf’ as expressed in the video by this ‘highly agreeable chickbro with nice soft boobs’.
Y’ulz, am rly rly bummed that I never had a CitiGolf, and now they’re not even making the car anymore. H8 my life. H8 my parents. Wish they’d ‘shown some tough love’ when giving me my 1st car & got me a ‘piece of plastic crap’ Citi that ‘fell apart slowly’ instead of a brand new Corsa Lite that ‘started 1st time every time all the time’. Feel ‘totally deprived’ of an authentic ‘coming of age’ experience via driving an Opel.
A memory I could have had, but NO.
Anyone else feel this way?
Another memory that could have been mine. H8 my life.
Really wish my parents ‘hadn’t trusted me for shit’ & bought me a Citi because ‘I was bound to write off my first car anyway’ (I did, but it was a Butler’s Pizza dude’s fault, not mine). Wish I never had such ‘free thinking parents’ who let my boyfriends stay over in my room instead of forcing us to ‘dry-hump on the roof of my Citi Golf’. Wish my mom hadn’t ‘slapped me on the pill as soon as I grew hips’ so I could have had an authentic ‘pregnancy scare while wrestling with the choke on my Citi Golf’. Feel like the Corsa roof is ‘too high to confuse with the bonnet’ in any case.
Another memory snatched from me. Want 2 die.
What do y’ulz think? Should I sue my parents? Should I ‘seek treatment for my past wounds’? Should I ‘let the healing start’ by making a fake video of fake memories of my Citi Golf? In so much pain right now.
Posted in advertising, cars, cool stuff i like, personal branding, SA "street", seen around town
Tagged advertising, goodbye citi golf campaign, hatchback cars, mybrandedlife, no more citi golf, opel corsa vs citi golf, rite of passage, VW
Can you spare some of your online influence?
Y’ulz, this is a srs post. Sometimes I feel, when am driving my Bugatti thru the streets of ‘the most beautiful city in the world’ (Gardens), that there are beggars ‘fucking everywhere’. Think I am kind of over winding down my window BEFORE they approach 2 tell them 2 ‘lean on some other car like that Polo’. FFS y’ulle.
You'd better wash that stump b4 u click on my profile
And as if having to ‘decline stealing from myself 2 give 2 the poor’ on a daily basis is not painful enough, some beggar walked up to my window on facebook 2day (via an internal fbook email) and begged for me to ‘just go to this page and scroll down to the photo of the yam and like it, but don’t open the photo and like the photo, just like the link or it wont count as a vote, so I can win a free yamboat’.
Y’ulle can imagine my reply.
No, y’ulle actually can’t because I used a word I made up.
“Fangbags! Did u rly just send me this??????? H8 u.”
Srsly. Are there beggars ‘fucking everywhere’? Gonna write my next pro-bono article for the Big Issue about the beggar endemic. Have ‘had it in chunks’. What are y’ulz feelings about this topical issue? Has our social networking society ‘gone 2 the dogs tonight’? is fbook ‘the new Zim’?
Is the agency Halloween Party on Friday. Have pre-filled my timesheets with work so I can ‘get lunch at Garden’s Centre’ while picking up a l’il something a Party Tricks / Mardi Gras / Tinka Tonka Toys. Feel like I rly need 2 ‘bring it’ this yr since the USA took Halloween to a whole new level (via Noah Cyrus aka Miley’s sister aged 9)
Could always recycle my Amy Winehouse costume from the xmas party but will risk creatives saying ‘it’s been done b4’. Dress code is ‘your baddest self’ which is kinda vague (via PR organising a party & not rly getting the idea of “single-minded messaging”).
Fond xmas party memories.
Considering ‘showing some tit’ via saying I’m “dressed as Client Service”, but worried no one will ask me what I’m dressed as (via thinking I rly am Client Service) & will have to drop the words I AM CLIENT SERVICE into casual conversation while ppl stare at my tits & don’t listen 2 what I am saying. Is quite catch-22. Very confused. Will draw a graph.
A graphical representation of the 'excuse 2 dress like a slag' Halloween trend
Don’t rly understand my graph. What are y’ulz gonna be this Halloween? Mike Schalit? John Farqhar? Brian Searle-Tripp? (miss u BST).
Posted in advertising, alcohol, Cape Town, celebrity, my real life, parties, people i work with
Tagged advertising agency, amy winehouse costume, dress like a slag, halloween party, mybrandedlife, noah cyrus
“A creative from an ad agency books an audio session….. what could possibly go wrong?”
Hey y’ulz. Been getting a lot of mails of complaint recently. Not the usual ones about how stupid and offensive I am (love y’all), but mails about how I’m not being stupid or offensive enough. This is because in order to be stupid and offensive I needs to go on wild adventures and ‘let the experience be lost on me’ so that I can become more stupid / offensive / sheltered / arrogant (via and limited to my blog – sorry, this offer is not extended to ‘real life’). So while I am still an advertising blog that ‘leads a branded life’, you can also follow me on Twitter, where I will pour my tidbitty morsels of opinions into your faces ALL DAY. Sometimes with PICTURES. Can you think of anything more AWESOME as to almost be stupidly offensive? Didn’t think so. Click here to request 2 follow me on twitter (have 2 approve you due to dodge ex boyfriends from 10 yrs ago who don’t ‘get the fucking hint’ about what i mean when i say ‘GTF out of my life’ and keep stalking me via twitter, please excuse it). In the meantime, please peruse these pics of my recent adventures to get ‘your branded fill’. XOXO
Went 2 Pinetown recently. Was a 'trip down memory lane' (i grew up in a storm drain in the industrial area. Don't be 'fooled by the rocks that i got' y'ulz, am still Alex from the block)
Ate sushi at this l'il gem on Buitenkant. 'Eating dinner alone' is my new thing. Y'ulz should try it, you don't have to fuss with all that 'talking' and 'socialising'.
Been 'hanging out with friends' (via accepting invitations to social events. Is very new to me. Don't have an opinion on it yet but apparently I am 'doing well so far')
My shoes on Durban tarmac. Makes me feel like I'm home.
Got my hands dirty at the Steri Tee Party (via wearing a mask and 'doing the dragon' during a t-shirt launch) on Kloof Street.
Ryan getting his groove on at Tee launch.
Had some good times at Home Affairs reapplying for my passport that got stolen. Was awesome. Had to stand in queues, only to get to front to be told I had to go back to police station to get case number and pay double. Love Home Affairs.
What Home Affairs does to one's ankles (makes you cross them like Dandy Bro)
Made a new friend (via Sweden). Welcome to SA, Therese.
Had dinner cooked for me by 2 men (one of whom being the legendary Chris Rawlinson, who makes a mean lamb roast in addition to being a 'well connected and awesome blogger')
So many adventures. Why wouldn’t you follow me on twitter?
I have an invite to Googlewave
I don’t know anyone else who has one
Which makes me feel awesome
But at the same time lonely
Since Googlewave is useless without other ppl to wave to
No matter, gonna gloat about it on the twitter
Gonna sync my twitter to my fbook status
So everyone knows how ahead and technologically “on it” I am
I HAVE AN INVITE TO GOOGLE WAVE
Yeah! Googlewave! Yeah!
Gonna excuse myself from this meeting
And lock myself in the stall at the end in the bathrooms of my office
And do a dance out of excitement at my GOOGLEWAVE invite (maybe touch my peen)
Jiggy jiggy, jiggy jiggy
You like that huh? Jiggy Jiggy
“Applebottom googlewave…boots with the googlewave…”
Gonna go back to the meeting room
Just drop this l’il bomb
“Oh, shoot, looks like I just got a Googlewave invite,”
And jizz on my face at the blank expressions on the faces of my colleagues
(they’ll never understand me or my ideas. I’m a visionary, they are laggards.)
Yeah! Googlewave! Fuck me!
I have an invite to Googlewave
Gonna watch lots of videos on ‘how Googlewave works’
Gonna tweet them out, with commentary
(“I find the function that allows you to collapse or expand inline comments really useful” - cue sound of my sperm hitting you in the forehead)
Gonna get all frenzied up when ppl tweet about ‘how dumb it is to get excited about Googlewave since you need other ppl 2 B on it’
Gonna defend it ‘to the death’ from the fucking tards who don’t “get it”
“You’ll see – Googlewave is gonna change EVERYTHING!”
I HAVE AN INVITE TO GOOGLEWAVE
Googlewave 4 eva!!!!!!1!
I have an invite to Googlewave
I used to be married but that was lame (couldn’t collapse the inline fighting over remote control)
My wife divorced me because I had to wake up at 3am to ‘wave’ to ppl in America (is what U get when U marry a laggard)
Totally don’t regret it – Googlewave is gonna “change the way we do business”, you’ll see
Just let me know if you want 2 know how it works (via a link to googlewave.com/help)
So I can point out how STUPID your LIFE is compared to Googlewave’s GENIUS
If you don’t have Googlewave you might as well tattoo STUPID PERSON WHO IS BEHIND AND STUPID on your forehead
Unless you want me 2 invite u. I can hook u up.
U want an invite? Coz I can hook u up. I can change your life. You just have to say yes. I’ll hook U up.
Googlewave is LOVE. Anything else is FEAR.
Love or Fear?
LOVE OR FEAR?
WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE?
I HAVE AN INVITE TO GOOGLEWAVE
I’M SO FUCKINGARGHKJFGJHERGFKJHDFBVKJHDFBVJDHSFBV,JSDHFBVGOOGLEWAVE!!!!
I'm gonna fuck my face yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
As some of y’all know, I’m quite a ‘winner’. I won a trip to Egypt yesterday (thank you Travelstart). Just this year I have won an iPhone (thanks 2oceansvibe), a Gold Loerie (thanks to advertising), 100 Euro in the lottery (thanks Euromillions), a MiMoney voucher (thanks MiMoney), and now a ticket to Cairo. Don’t think I don’t know what y’all are thinking: Should I have won the Nobel Prize?
Barry's Beyonce-at-the-VMA's moment
Would have been a ‘nice surprise’ since world peace and shizzle isn’t really my vibe but that’s cool. Figure it can’t be too diff from winning an iPhone in that ‘rad-my-life-is-kiff’ kind of way.
Do y’ulz think I’d make a good Nobel Peace Prize winner? Would be rad coz i could hang with De Klerk and Mandelabro and Tutu and now Bamarama. We could ‘drink Johnnie Blue’ and reminisce about ‘the struggles’ and ‘the triumph of the human spirit’. We could shoot the shit and fight over who plays us in our biopics. could add them all on facebook on the iPhone i won and keep deleting any recent activity that stops our new friendships from being at the top of my wall.
Dunno y’ulz. Rly think i should have won it. was probably ‘rigged’. happy Friday y’ulz.
Want a brochure / logo / business card designed quickly for minimum budget? Watch this. Thanks CaptainJennifer
So MiMoney sent me a R500 voucher to spend on something nice so that I could get a feel for how it works y’ulz. Tested it out on the 2 things I mostly order on the interwebs, sex and prescription drugs. Kidding. Ordered 2 books from Kalahari.net that i’ve been wanting for ages: Rainer Maria Rilke’s ‘Letters to a young poet’ (recommend reading it if y’ulz are ‘cre8ive’ and ppl give you shit for it) and Jung’s ‘Memories, Dreams, Reflections’ (is Jung’s autobiography, recommend reading it if y’ulz ‘know too much about the world’ & ppl give you shit for it). They arrived this morning. Happy times y’all!
Oooh, a package. What could it be?
Just what I've always wanted!
Also, after having a day when I thought it might be ‘better to be just rich’ than to ‘be creative’ i went home and gorged on sushi from Mr Delivery that MiMoney also paid for (thereby giving me the opportunity to know what ‘being just rich’ feels like). My verdict is that ‘being just rich’ ‘totally rocks’, and that ‘being creative’ needs to work harder at ‘bringing its A-game’ to the task of ‘making my life awesome’.
How MiMoney works:
1. You register with www.mimoney.co.za
2. You purchase MiMoney vouchers which then get sent to your phone.
3. You then use your vouchers as cash, quoting the code sent to your phone when you need to pay for a movie, online order, dinner, or whatever else you want to pay for. Right now it’s a little limiting as to what you can buy, but in future you’ll be able to use your MiMoney everywhere, thereby eliminating the need for cumbersome 19th century trappings such as ‘wallets’ and ‘money’.
Read what kalahari has to say about MiMoney here (putting this link in because app the mimoney site is giving some trouble).
Posted in advertising, books, cool stuff i like, free stuff, innovation, micro marketing
Tagged books, cg jung, dreams, kalahari.net, letters to young poet, memories, mimoney, mr delivery, mybrandedlife, reflections, rilke, south africa, sponsored post, virtual cash, virtual wallet
As y’all know, I’m going through a ‘rebranding’ process. So i’ll be trying out a few new look & feels, messaging, tone, etc over the next few weeks. My first experimental hypothesis is: Should I speak about people as if they are animals, and where possible, make them wear animal masks around me? This would be a strategic move on my behalf that would create a key differentiating factor between this blog & other advertising blogs. After all, ‘we are just animals anyway’. Plus animals are generally ‘genuine at heart’ and without any ‘personal agenda’ which results in their being ‘highly accessible and well-liked’ by a variety of demographics, regardless of the confusing fact that I ‘own a sewing machine yet am not LSM 9′. What y’ulz thank?
Portrait of the copywriter as a 'horse'.
The Production dept shall be known from now on as 'the elephant parade'.
Designers shall henceforth be referred to as 'Budgies', or, 'Budgerigars'.
The head of production, while an elephant, is able to 'speak horse' to get through to the copywriters.
The director of Operations is a sheep, because it is ironic, and heaven forbid there not be some form of irony in this post.
Posted in advertising, creatives, office fun, people i work with, personal branding
Tagged advertising, blog, elephant, horse, making people into animals, masks, mybrandedlife, rebranding, sheep