why a ninja turtle would make a better president than He Who Shall Not Be Named

Heroes in the half shell.

Ninja turtles went to school (ninja school, but still). They completed their education, which indicates commitment and is a solid achievement in itself.

He Who Shall Not Be Named’s only commitment is to taking a shower, and his education = that of a 10 year old.

Ninja turtles fight crime. He Who Shall Not Be Named fights the forces that fight crime. Electing You Know Who into power would be like electing Shredder. Or worse, that Brain thing (Crang?), but without the brain. Just the tripod.

The Bad Guy. You don't elect bad guys, remember? No? Oh sorry, forgot, they covered that in Std 3.

Ninja turtles have a wise master in the form of a giant rat named Splinter, whom they listen to. He Who Shall Not Be Named is too dumb to realise how dumb he is (fact: the last people to recognise incompetence are the incompetent, because they don’t know what competence is – this is backed up by studies – Google it).

How long is this namby pamby election charade going to last? Can  NPA just prosecute? And if it is going to bring all of government down, then so be it. For reals y’ulle. Sick of this shizzle. Can South Africa just make its children proud – for once – to call themselves South Africans?

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Sad Fact: When you get a Samsung phone, and then it sucks completely because it’s noisy and it freezes and it loses your data, you can just get a new phone and never have anything to do with Samsung ever again.

But when you’re born into a country who elects a complete moron to head its ruling party, you can’t do anything about it, because the whole world knows he’s a moron and blocks your passport so you can’t even leave. Sad.

At least angry/humiliated South African turtle here can hide his face from the shame of being South African turtle.

obama got the job and i’ve got a vision. let’s dance!

hey i know we advertising ppl live in a world of our own but did any of y’ulle hear?barack obama applied for the job of Prez of the United States of America and he got the job. pretty cool, huh?

gives me hope about my own dreams of becoming the President of the United States of America. LOL you can all probably guess that’s not reaaally my dream. like the parents of some rich hot chick in some movie said, Why would i want to waste my looks by using my brain?

This is a picture of me studying for my final exam back in college. Think it was 'Writing Eye Catching Billboards".

Don’t worry y’ulle. There’s no danger of me using my brain any time soon. I’m very happy doing ppls nails (metaphorically speaking). I know that ppl value what i do and that i am useful and provide a service to someone, somewhere, and that’s all that matters, right?

Well…I’m not so sure anymore. You know as long as things are going badly (Southafricanland’s future president is a criminal & there’s a recession) i feel pretty okay with my lot because i can compare it too how bad things must be for other people (like any one of Jacob Zuma’s possibly HIV infected 9 wives or anyone who’s been retrenched due to the recession). But now that things have gone so well for Obama i kinda want to know when i can achieve my dream of being a respected copywriter-pop artist with my hit single ‘I Wanna Be Ur Facebook Girlfriend’ and the video in which i am naked except for *Sparkles* the editors have put on my hoo-hoo in post-production, while i dance against a slippery wall in the LA desert.

"I have been called 'competitive', but really i am just resentful when people are more successful than me." - Alex van Tondress, S. African Advertising Pop Star

Other tracks i have possibly lined up for my album include “Deep Etched Sex”, “Word Of My Mouth”, “Let’s Get Tactical”, “Sex Sells” and “Buy Me More”. let’s not forget my special track in honour of Obama called “Wham Bam Thank You M’am”. of course, i would release them for free on myspacebookster first, along with stills from the *Sparkles* scene, and get at least 1 alcohol or sneaker sponsor before i even started speaking to labels, so i know that i still have a lot of work ahead of me. luckily i am very pretty so it goes without saying that i work hard and am determined.

do y’ulle feel similarly affected by Obama’s success? are you jealous / resentful / envious / angry / horny? does Obama’s success make you want to consume brands that position themselves as successful in any way? like does it make you want to trade in your Mac for a Dell? or maybe you want to play PS3 instead of Wii now to honour the fact that the President of the USA is black and no longer white? does Obama’s success make you want to smoke expensive cigars and drink expensive whisky while you talk about expensive brandy in your expensive ‘businessman’s hotel’ on your expensive trip to Japan? I’m just trying to get a feel for what kind of ‘knock-on effect’ or ‘paradigm shift’ will come about as a result of this new president meme.

Obama has a lot of hard work ahead of him. he’s probably stressing, and obviously the Oval Office will now be working double time figuring out endorsement deals and what kind of brands will be appropriate as sponsors for their new pres. he’s probably feeling a bit confused as to which offers he should accept and which he should decline and ‘bank for later’. it will be a very difficult role. i would have a very tough time deciding between wearing Armani or Hugo Boss (and that’s just suits, we haven’t even touched on fragrance yet). Louis Vuitton is probably a bit tacky for luggage for a pres – i would advice him to go Gucci, maybe Prada. just thinking about the kinds of tough brand decisions Obama will have to make kinda gets me dizzy and wondering whether i’d really be able to cope with the pressures of fame.

i mean, an entire generation of men and their girlfriends are relying on him to save them from the grave fashion errors Bush is known for making. i salute you, Obama. you are a brave man to take on these challenges. but you have looked very well groomed and hot thus far, so i have a lot of faith that you will surround yourself with the hottest stylists and some honest fashion advisors and it will all be okay.

analysing Obama’s success like this has totally given me insight into how i can achieve my own success. see here i was giving myself ‘specialist online skills’ and ‘building my niche appeal through experience with social media’ to differentiate myself from all the other copywriter-pop stars out there, but all i really need is a good stylist and a wax therapist that i can trust. my eyes have been opened. i’m gonna change my facebook status right away. i now have concrete goals and a vision. i’m gonna start right now by getting a belly ring. yes i can, y’ulle!

The face of determination. I can haz it, y'ulle.

sticking to the rules. blogging through the storm.

trying not to ‘not blog’, but amount of work in system at the moment is not very accommodating when it comes to doing anything save shovel piles of sand on the flames to keep it from igniting into a furnace that turns me into a ghost who haunts the person who receives my corneas after they get transplanted. you know things are really bad when i start referencing jessica alba movies. rei and i watched ‘the eye’ last night. very jumpy. very freaky. not great since have just recovered from a stephen king novel, and was then subjected to ‘supernatural’ on tv the night before last, and then more malicious paranormal shadows in ‘the eye’.

Me dressed up as a paranormal shadow.

been reading stephen king because i have this great idea for a thriller/horror, and i wanted to learn from him since he manages to make quite un-scary and tame monsters heeb and jeeb the smug out of you. boy did i learn. i had a horrible nightmare, so horrible i gathered together all my crystals and placed them in a triangle around my bed so as to deflect any kind of night terrors that might come creeping. fat lot of good it did since i then dreamt that my foot had been chopped off and i found it at the bottom of the virgin active swimming pool, and spent the rest of the nightmare trying to find someone who could take me to hospital (my gran wasn’t sympathetic, my mom had something else to do and my brother accused me of only phoning him when i need something). Rei suggested that i probably stuck my leg out off the bed and my foot exceed the crystal triangle, thus i dreamt it got cut off. which is nauseatingly plausible.

on another note, new party COPE do have a logo / look and feel. not sure i like it. i feel like these super saturated colours are a bit tired. i know it’s supposed to reflect africa and the heart and vibrancy of african people, but i wish politicians would have a little sympathy for our eyes. you gotta think of your rallies. you’re going to have a lot of people wearing shirts the colour of a fast-ripening banana. fast-ripening banana has never been a colour synonymous with progress or revolution. wish the designer working on this would go back to tech and redo their guache colour charts.

I can almost smell banana smell.

i do quite like the star vibes though. reminds me of a colourful diamond. i feel like i could vote for a party like this because diamonds remind me of kanye west (I’m not a businessman i’m a business, MAN) and i would be totally cool with kanye west being the president of southafricanland. he’d definitely have more interesting tunes that that dude who sings the song about his machine gun. not sure how you guys feel about an artist that releases and performs only one song over and over. he definitely doesn’t deserve any awards from MTV, you know what i’m saying?

If Kanye deigned to sing a song about bringing him a gun am pretty sure it would be something like 'bring me my tazer lazer ripper, yo'.

If Kanye was president of South Africa he'd give the police these rad shutter shades which would enable them to see through table tops to what the dodgy politicians were doing beneath them. Bet he could see all the stuff that's been hidden under the carpet, too.

If Kanye West was president of SA he would provide free pool education to all children so that they could snooker their way above the breadline as opposed to killing people for their cellphones.

anyways will get back to blogging for realz when this big project comes through. shouldn’t be long now. in the meantime i’ll try update my status on facebook more often since then you can feel like me and you are BFFs and be there for me during the hard times.

new world order etc.

i almost left the office now and went home without blogging about barack obama getting elected president. and then i thought about how my kids would feel (if i ever decide to download some kids) when they ask me one day:

“Mommy where were you when B.O. was elected president? Mommy, what’s it like to have a human president? Mommy, what’s it like to have a president who doesn’t wear sponsored clothing? Mommy, what was the official sponsor of the Electionz Oh-Eight? Mommy, will you gift me a facebook cookie pleeeeeeeze?”

And my answer would go something like:

“I was in Chicago, standing in the crowd, feeling the pulse of the anticipation, palpable, real, filled with hope that light may come to this great country at last,” which is totally true since the HDTVs in the change rooms at gym are pretty much like being there for real, only i was able to stand naked, skin glowing from a 20 minute stint in the sauna, appreciating my personal space.

LOVE you barack. wish we were pals b4 you got all famous for being pres.

like many other people around the world, i am happy, grateful, bleeding from relief that McCain got the indifference he deserved (dude, Palin. WTF?) I feel like a miracle has happened, but i am also selfish and have a short attention span for good things that happen to other people, and i want to know where the southafricanland version of barack is. do we know any kenyans? or do we know anyone who went to harvard? srsly even if its your cousin, you should put him forward to the ANC or the Shikota party (ANC’s new rival) or we can just start small and put his face up around the Spar on Derry. Not fussed, just want to find a good candidate, and give him/her exposure.

YES WE CAN. Except not this chick because she might give the wrong message to teens and men who like teens (paeds).

if i drank (still can’t decide on my brand of choice, life’s hard yo) i would raise a toast to my new home (unless they find an Obama for southafricanland). LOVE being part of the brain drain. makes me feel like an elf fleeing to wherever the elves fled to at the end of Lord of the Rings. taking my magic and giving it to Obama, and he didn’t even ask. might go to Royale tonight and get a milkshake to mark this whole special occasion. happy new world order everyone. still super busy adjusting and recovering from vida e caffe scuffle injuries but promise will be back to blogging full speed soon. with my left hand, upside down.

save the cheerleader (from being voted president), save the world

"My daughter deserrrrved to get pregnant. She done went and showed herrrr KNEES!"

check out this totally neat site that shows you how things would be if Sarah Palin was pregnant president. i really empathise with americans right now, since they face the same threat we do – being governed by a buffoon. i feel for you guys. yulle need to vote real hard to make sure the palin vibe doesn’t happen. same goes for yulle here. “yulle” is my unique word. it’s a mixture of ‘y’all’ and ‘julle’ (the afrikaans version of ‘y’all’). always innovating.

i’ve been a bit out of touch with groundlevel politics lately - is Jacob Zuma still singing the song that goes “Bring me my machine gun”? isn’t it time they got a new songwriter to work with him? i heard JZ got dissed by Timbaland? i heard the new Britney Spears single Womanizer is about Jacob Zuma? And about Sarah Palin? can popstars be presidents? can i vote for Danny K rather? he seems like he’d care about my medical aid.

Other Danny K policies include free advice on How to Look Jewish and How To Act Black While Retaining Your White Integrity bylaws. I could definitely benefit from the second policy.

want: ghost lamp

BoooOOOOoooooOOOOoooo for me. No Ikea here.

boy am i sick of seeing objects i would like to buy and feather my home with from ikea. it happens at least once a week. not always from Ikea, but often. with globalililililisation and all, shouldn’t anything we can conceive of here in South Africa be available to us? is the unavailability of cool stuff like Ghost Lamp because of the recession? or are we still paying double for Horlicks here compared to what you pay in the rest of the world because Horlicks thinks us Southafricanlanders don’t know the price of a bag of malt? isn’t the price of malt the only thing that HASN’T gone up? this sounds like a case for the Mothman Prophecy.

What good is a President if he cannot negotiate cheaper retail prices for Horlicks?

I must say, a few weeks on into the new presidency and i feel optimistic about Southafricanland politics. it must be noted that this is not something I thought i’d ever write, but every time i look at that picture of our new prez, i feel happy. his glasses say ‘caring father figure who knows how to balance the books with enough left over to hire his daughter some fake paparazzi for her Matric Dance at Crawford College‘. that comforts me.