a free and fair celebrity endorsement: please chat to client service if you have any questions.

guys. GUYS. Daniel Craig got papparazzied with a Southafricanland keyring. serial guys. i’m totally confused. one thing i have learnt from hours of gazing at celebrity websites is that celebs do NOTHING by accident. celebrities are very important people and as economy-driving-thought-leaders every little detail of their lives is planned, and is usually sold as advertising space.

i present a photo i found on cherryflava:

Diamonds are forever. And they are found in Joburg. - D Craig

"Diamonds are forever. And they are found in Joburg." - D Craig

the first question is how is Daniel Craig’s personal brand affecting the country’s brand? (actually, the first question is IS THAT REALLY DANIEL CRAIG? JEES WHAT HAPPENED HE LOOKS LIKE SHIT but let’s leave that for websites who do mean for a living)

well, he’s known for playing a super famous spy – old 007. so perhaps ‘Southafricanlanders are crafty and smart’ is the message, since spies are known for being crafty and smart. Daniel is also an outdoorsy wholesome kinda guy, which is how you could describe Southafricanland before its ruling party, the ANC, erupted boils all over its face and ‘divorced itself’ (you can’t make this stuff up).

DCs pitch to the SA Brand Manager probably went something like this.

DC's pitch to the SA Brand Manager probably went something like this.

The other big question is WHO PAID HIM? Is this the reason our interest rates aren’t being cut? Is this the reason I am STILL paying a premium for Horlicks? Dear god in heaven.

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Question: Do you think the people of Southafricanland should have a say in which celeb endorses the national brand? Should celeb endorsements be subject to a free and fair election like the election we are supposed to have to determine the country’s president? Who would YOU vote for?

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here are some suggestions followed by a possible reason:

a) Pete Wentz, because of that THAT PHOTO. You’ll have to go google to find the uncensored version. He would appeal to the women of this country looking for a more progressive take on what it means to be a man that does not involve being treated like a piece of cattle. Is a piece of cattle a cow? more importantly:

Because masculinity is not about anything but being comfortable with holding your peen on camera.

Because masculinity is not about anything but being comfortable with holding your peen on camera.

b) Lourdes Leon and Rocco Ritchie – Madonna’s children – who will be the victims in her upcoming divorce, kind of like we as citizens are victims now that our government has decided to divorce itself. Hopefully our government doesn’t use us as a weapon against its estranged other halves / quarters / eighths / a million little pieces by james frey.

c)  Legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin, who was caught checking facebook during the presidential debate last night. He would be the ‘accessible celebrity’ due to his inability to control his obsession with The Glorified Message Board, appealing to the Late Majority, and he would also have the benefit of a rapid expiry date (famous fast, never last) which could be used for some rapid-fire publicity before we move onto something more long term.

JT for South Africa - yeah! JT 3 JZ 4 Eva! (or maybe a few days)

JT for South Africa - yeah! JT ❤ JZ 4 Eva! (or maybe a few days)

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>>>Remember the Southafricanland keyring needs to fit naturally into the life of the celebrities we nominate so choose wisely and don’t nominate someone like Tom Cruise because he lives on a space ship and space technology does not use keys to open, it just slides open on hybrid-buffer-hydraulic-interfacing-proxima technology but we all know that, just using him as an example. in case you get lazy with your thinking. oh BTW, client wants your suggestions by tomorrow morning as he is going to Zanzibar for 2 weeks and then we need to start shooting. sorry! :p <<<

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