Daily Archives: November 27, 2008

An open letter to an ex-boyfriend

Dear Archibald*

I know you’ve been googling me. In fact, I know you’ve been googling me for the past 8 months. I know that you google me more than once a day. I know that you have particularly frenetic days when you google me up to 30 times (yes, 30 times).

I know that sometimes you add strange words to my name when you google me. Words like ‘boyfriend’, ‘address’ and ‘wearing a dress’. For half a second I feel flattered by your obsessive googling, but mostly I just feel like it’s time you moved on.

Now, I don’t really mind you googling me. But I would imagine your boss probably doesn’t pay you to google me (I know that you google me from work), and that he pays you to do whatever it is that he pays you to do. You should probably just get on with it. In my experience, getting on with it can be very therapeutic.

I wanted to help you move on, since you are clearly having trouble doing so on your own. And I just wanted to remind you why you and I would never have worked.

You kept snakes, and one night your albino python escaped and entwined itself on our bed between our legs. I woke you up and asked you to move your legs. You told me to move my legs. We looked down, and there was a python. That was the day I moved out, remember? There was a python in our bed, attached to your body, and it wasn’t your penis.

Just wanted to snuggle.

Just wanted to snuggle.

Another reason it didn’t work is because I am hot, and you ‘have character’. Let’s get real. Every girl goes through that phase where she dates a guy who’s beneath her because he ‘makes her laugh’. You know what doesn’t make me laugh? The fact that you’re googling me 20 times a day. That makes me giggle nervously in front of the budget trauma counselor my medical aid suggested I talk to. You need to understand: we only dated for a month, years ago, and I just wasn’t that into you.

I have no doubt in my mind that you are reading this (since you must have found my blog in your google travels), and you’re probably thinking that this is some strange coincidence, that there is no way I could know that you’re googling me. But Archibald, I really do know that it’s you, thanks to this site. This little site called wikiworldbook, which is nothing short of an online, stalker-prevention miracle, has been telling me about your google sessions for months now. It shows me what you’re searching for when you find my name, and it shows me which of my many sites you click on. It shows me where you’re googling from (which is why I know you’re doing it from work). It shows me numbers. And it’s shown me YOU.

NEwayz, lets get real here. Googling my name can’t be that much fun. So I suggest you quit it. Google albino pythons or albino python facebook apps something. I see that you do have a blog about them (yeah, I googled you, except I used the same site that told me how much you were googling me, since it just does people). It also told me that you belong to a flickr group entitled ‘Chicks and pythons’.Chicks. And. Pythons. Now that’s a niche fetish. Not something you wanna go bragging about over dinner / at the watercooler / while you wait for your python documentary to download. So how about you forget about me, and I’ll forget about the pythons.

Sincerely,

Alex

*you know who you are

Advertisements

the old ‘make a giant shoe’ trick. works every time.

it’s summer, which means it’s summer promo season, and i thought i’d share with you the first of the promos to catch my eye. we headed over to the neighbourgoods market on saturday at the old biscuit mill and parked right outside, blocking the entrance was this enormous high-heeled shoe.

Frightening. Makes you reconsider your priorities.

Frightening. Makes you reconsider your priorities.

i switched into consumer drive and made sure to get a side-angle shot, too. i pondered, what could this giant shoe mean? i am intrigued? and then i spotted the naughty devil ladybug logo and clicked that it was brutal fruit.

Just as big from the side. Nice, um, Comic San Serif. And whats that funny thing wrapped around its heel?

Just as big from the side. Nice, um, Comic San Serif. And what's that funny thing wrapped around its heel?

so i smsed the number. i got sent back a URL, and i opened it. i then got a bunch of pretty neon colourful messages saying things like ‘Do you want in’ and ‘Full colour is the new black’. There was some mention about some fashion parties, and then i figured i’d download some wallpaper to try and plug the emotional void in my life.

another elite branded secret society to make me feel special and valued.

Just what i need: another elite branded secret society to make me feel special and valued.

Wallpaper. This is on my phone, filling the void my iPhone left when i dropped it off the balcony of my house on Clifton 3rd.

Wallpaper. This is on my phone, filling the void my iPhone left when i dropped it off the balcony of my house on Clifton 3rd.

**********************************************************************************

Do you ever get the Fear Of Missing Out when it comes to summer promos? Summer is such a happy, bright, branded time. Sometimes i worry about getting to Clifton 3rd later than 12 because all the best summer promo giveaways might be gone by then. I’m not sure i’d be okay with summer if i didn’t get my free Cell C frisbee or my free Nivea Suntan Lotion sample that i can put in my free summer beach bag that i got free with December’s Glamour mag. I look forward to hitting the beach wearing the same free sunglasses i bought in the Elle magazine that every second girl on the beach bought. These branded freebies make me feel like i have a place, like i have a home. they make me feel a part of something bigger than myself.

Summer is not just about sunshine and swimming in the sea. Summer is about getting as much free stuff as you can from brands that save their whole BTL budget for this time of year. I resolve to make the most of this up-and-coming summer.

I WILL NOT languish by my pool when i could be reaching out to promo girls with zinc on their noses and accepting offers of sun lotion squirts by promo boys.

I WILL NOT set foot in a mall or anywhere else that requires me to pay for iced tea, suntan lotion, self-tan, moisturises, air time, lip balm or deodorant, all of which fall under the summer freebie category.

I WILL put on an accessible, happy expression that attracts promo ambassadors towards me.

I WILL pretend that i smoke when the Camel reps offer everyone on the beach free tickets to the Camel Summer Experience 3.0

I WILL roll down my window when pretty young people wave flyers at me while i’m waiting at the traffic lights, and i WILL take what they have to offer.

I WILL take their shiney flyers with attached samples and press them to my face and inhale their plastickey, gloss-printed goodness.

I WILL wipe branded fake tattoos onto pertinent parts of my body that i find at the bottom of assorted summer promo goodie packs.

And I WILL drink the free flavoured fizzy water that the Aquarelle Girls give me, even though it’s slightly warm and there’s sand in the cap.

I WILL BUY SUMMER 2008. And it will be awesome.