moving house. again.

2007 was a record moving year for me. i moved 17 million times. half the time i was moving across the country between my wine farm in Cape Town and the gold mine I inherited in Joburg. the rest of the time i was micro-moving within Joburg and Cape Town, on an eternal quest for A Place to Call Home. now, i am looking to move again. and since i have done this so many times, i feel qualified to write a generalised but fairly accurate guide to moving house in the 2 cities i call home.

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How to Move House in Joburg:

1. Get hold of paper, decide what you’re looking for, peruse paper, find endless affordable and beautifully renovated options, select one you like most, rent. Live happily ever after. The End.

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How to Move House in Cape Town:

1. Get into fistfight with bergies on way to find CapeAds vendor. Buy CapeAds, fork out half your salary for cup of coffee at pricey yet trendy coffee shop in Gardens while you go through paper holding thumbs.

2. Find options that are kind of right, but never exactly what you’re looking for. You pick your battles: BICs vs. security vs. fitted stove vs. view of a vacant parking lot. Decide which ‘feature’ is going to be least soul-destroying.

3. Settle for option that sounds least crap. Call estate agent, maintain smile while she treats you like a bergie and judges your shoes (these are 9 West, i’ll have you know. f-off. you’re an estate agent, not The Queen Mother. though you kind of look like Jabba the Hut.)

4. Make appointment to see flat. Lovingly run your hand over the nicotine-stained walls and stop and smell the faeces in the corner. Tell estate agent this wasn’t really what you had in mind. You were thinking maybe a view. Maybe freshly painted walls. Maybe less cockcroaches. Definitely less starving mothers breast-feeding wide-eyed babies in the hallways.

5. Courageously maintain smile while estate agent kicks you in the shins, insults your mother and calls you an ungrateful wretch. Wince (you have now learnt) while estate agent asks you what you expect, since this is Cape Town, and actually Nigerian Drug Lords are fantastic neighbours because criminals are too scared to break in.

6. Consider her point for a second before politely thanking her and speeding home so you can cry into your 300 thread count percale pillow while rocking back and forth, staring at your view of garden’s centre, wondering why it has to be this way. Why, oh why. Drink a bottle of meths because whisky won’t make you forget fast enough. Repeat entire process the next day for 6 months. Decide to move back to Joburg. The End.

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Just looking for a clean, quiet place I can love into a home. Buffalo roaming optional. Security and off-street parking a must.

Just looking for a clean, quiet place I can love into a home. Buffalo roaming optional. Security and off-street parking a must.

PS. as you may have gathered, i’m looking for a new home. Either a bachelor / one-bedroomed place, fully or semi-furnished. Must be clean and secure. Preferably close to Gardens. I am not averse to sharing a place with someone chilled who works full time. Sharing prevents hermiting, which is a good thing. If you hear about anything special, mail me: alex@mybrandedlife.com

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