Yesterday I had to audition a whole bunch of 9-year-olds over the phone for a radio ad. These are some of the transcripts:
9YO: Hello? HELLO?
Me: Hi sweetie, what’s your name?
9YO: Melusi. Mrs Peers said I must phone you and tell you who I am.
Me: Thanks Melusi, my name is Alex, and I’m going to be auditioning you for a radio ad, is that cool?
9YO: (bored) Yes I spose so.
Me: (apologetic) It won’t take long. Now the ad is about four 9-year old kids who are telling each other what they got their moms for mother’s day.
9YO: I got my mom flowers.
Me: That’s lovely. Now I’m going to read a line from the ad, and you’re going to say it back to me, is that okay?
Me: Says line.
9YO: (angry) I don’t like that line.
Me: (apologetic) Oh, I’m sorry… (regaining control) well if you can’t read it we’ll get another little boy to read it.
9YO: No one will want to say that.
Me: Why not?
9YO: Because it’s stupid. It’s stupid.
Me: Thanks Melusi, I have to go now.
9YO: (very softly) HellothisisRobinherecanIspeaktoAlex.
Me: Hello Robin, this is Alex love, how are you?
Me: Good thanks. Robin I’m going to be auditioning you for a radio ad, are you cool with that?
9YO: (barely audible) Yes.
Me: Awesome. Okay, I’m going to read you the line I’d like you to say, and then you’re going to say it back to me. You think you can do that?
9YO: (barely audible) yes.
Me: Okay. Here’s the line. Says line.
9YO: (barely audible) spspspspspspspspspspsps.
Me: Good Robyn, but you have a very gentle voice, do you think you could say it one more time, just a little louder?
Me: Just a little louder, honey?
SFX: Phone goes dead.
9YO: (very proper) Hello may I speak to Miss Alex please.
Me: I am Alex, who am I speaking to?
9YO: You are speaking to Robert. How do you do?
Me: (chucking to myself) I do fine, Robert, how do you do?
9YO: I am very good thank you. I am calling to be in the radio ad.
Me: That’s great Robert. It’s very simple, I’m going to give you a line, and you’re going to say it back to me as if you’re bragging, okay?
9YO: That sounds fine.
Me: Says line.
9YO: Says line back, but very politely, no bragging at all.
Me: That was great Robert. Do you think you could say it one more time, as if you’re boasting about what a great gift you got your Mom for Mother’s Day?
9YO: It’s very rude to boast Miss Alex. Jesus tells us not to boast.
Me: You’re right Robert, but this is make-believe, it’s just for an ad, it’s not real boasting. Just play-boasting.
9YO: (yelling into the background) Moooooooom! This lady wants me to boast!
Mother: (from background) Just do what she says Robert.
9YO: Fine. Says line again, boasting perfectly.
Me: Robert, that was great! I’m going to get our producer to give you a call in the week and set up a time for a recording, okay?
9YO: (sounding weary) No, rather have your producer call my agent.
Me: I’ll do that. Thank you for calling Robert.
9YO: It’s a pleasure.
9YO: (ripping me off) bYeEeE (slams down phone).
Damn y’ulle. I haven’t felt so scared of a human subspecies in ages. And those are just 3 of the 10 auditions. After work yesterday I ran home and ate all my birth control pills at once. Do y’ulle know whether you can get pregnant by talking to a child? Feel hopelessly out of my depth.