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Category Archives: alcohol
Phone rings. I answer.
CRM dude: Hello, is that Mr van Tonder?
Me: No it’s not Mr van Tonder.
CRM dude: Um, is that Queen van Tonder?
Me: Uh…sure. Let’s go with ‘Queen’ (flashbacks to a very varied Title drop-down menu…).
CRM dude: Okay, Queen van Tonder, I’m calling from [Premium Alcohol Brand], and I’d just like to confirm your details are still the same.
Me: Sure. How can I help you?
CRM dude: Is your address still ‘Castle Greyskull, Wembley Square’?
Me: Uh… (thinks back to that one evening years ago when I was asked to ‘fill in your details if you would like to experience further communication from Premium Alcohol Brand’) No. It’s Castle Greyskull, 3rd Floor North Block, Wembley Square.
CRM dude: Thanks. Enjoy the rest of your day!
A new trend is slippy sliding round the S-Africanland advertising ideas adoption curve y’ulz. Am HUGE proud of Ogilvy CT for starting it. Y’ulz are geniuses. This trend is called:
“Humiliate a faded international celeb via writing them into an ad”.
Loves it. Can’t wait 2 humiliate my own faded international celeb. Who d’yulz thanks it should be?
Which faded international celeb would y’ulz like 2 see humiliated?
***UPDATE**** Quick fact-correction here, Jupiter actually started this trend (via Louis Gosset Jnr Snr Mr bro). Sorry y’als, 4got about that. Am HUGE proud of y’ulz for starting this trend. Y’uls are what legends R made of. Y’ulz can watch one of The First Humiliations (there were 5 involving this faded celeb – they went all out) here:
****EVEN FURTHER UPDATE****
A very good-looking and smart and amazingly awesome hot bro just informed me that ACTUALLY, Jupies didn’t invent this trend. Whomever does the advertising for Silver Sands Casino and humiliated faded Swedish ‘star’ Dolph Lundgren via writing him into their advertising invented this trend. Does anyone know what agency does Silversands? Does anyone know who the un-named genius is? Don’t worry Ogilvy / Jupies – y’alls are still early adopters for ‘copying it before the masses copy it’. Still respect / love y’all.
Is the agency Halloween Party on Friday. Have pre-filled my timesheets with work so I can ‘get lunch at Garden’s Centre’ while picking up a l’il something a Party Tricks / Mardi Gras / Tinka Tonka Toys. Feel like I rly need 2 ‘bring it’ this yr since the USA took Halloween to a whole new level (via Noah Cyrus aka Miley’s sister aged 9)
Could always recycle my Amy Winehouse costume from the xmas party but will risk creatives saying ‘it’s been done b4’. Dress code is ‘your baddest self’ which is kinda vague (via PR organising a party & not rly getting the idea of “single-minded messaging”).
Considering ‘showing some tit’ via saying I’m “dressed as Client Service”, but worried no one will ask me what I’m dressed as (via thinking I rly am Client Service) & will have to drop the words I AM CLIENT SERVICE into casual conversation while ppl stare at my tits & don’t listen 2 what I am saying. Is quite catch-22. Very confused. Will draw a graph.
Don’t rly understand my graph. What are y’ulz gonna be this Halloween? Mike Schalit? John Farqhar? Brian Searle-Tripp? (miss u BST).
I am a model at the Velocity Party
Dunno what ‘Velocity’ is
But they’re paying me in bags of cocaine
Not that I do cocaine
Just keep it around for those dry months
When I can’t afford diet pills.
I am a model at the Velocity Party
Apparently this event is ‘the party everyone wants to go to’
Not really impressed
The people here are so ‘normal’
Most of them are midgets
Good thing they have ‘craft skills’ and can make pretty things to sell
I am a model at the Velocity Party
And some blonde chick just puked on her dress
Then sat up and yelled ‘whoo hoo!’
I’m supposed to socialize
But these midgets keep talking about ‘loories’
Have no clue what ‘loories’ are
Would ask but will probably get puked on
How long does this thing last?
I am a model at the Velocity Party
Some midget just told me he ‘made the mouse ad’
I’m not sure but I think it was a pickup line
Does anyone know what ‘mouse ad’ means?
Is it code for ‘owning a porsche’?
I’m more of a Lambo girl, myself.
I am a model at the Velocity Party
Some midget just asked me if I was in a ‘sell sea ad’
Why does everyone keep talking about ads?
This is so lame.
Have these people never heard of PVR?
Just wish it was finished so I can go home and concentrate on not eating.
I am a model at the Velocity Party.
Anyone want to do tequila shots out of my navel even though tequila makes u fat?
All photos from some post about the Loeries on Bizcommunity. If you want any removed you just let me know.
I am an art director / copywriter
But I feel like my talents are not being used to my full potential
See, I have vision.
I am an all-round creative,
But I have been pigeon-holed as a crayon hugger / wordbird,
And I’m just not down with that shiz.
When I was at high school, I got the writing AND the art AND the drama prize,
Now, no one even knows that I can sing,
Even though I always monopolise the microphone at agency karaoke parties,
Despite the drunk sluts who try steal it to sing ‘Lady Marmalade’.
Just want people to know who I really am.
Sooooooo sick of it.
Had a deep chat with my friend last night.
We drank some wine, smoked some pot and imagined a perfect world,
Where we creatives could work together collaboratively,
And just make cool stuff,
Which made me decide to ‘break out’.
Gonna put together a Flickr site of some of my Lomo photos,
And become a film /commercials director / photographer.
I know it’s gonna be hard,
Gonna start right at the bottom again,
Will be a bitch since I now have a middle-management salary,
But you can’t put a price on creative expression,
Even if for everything else there’s Mr Card.
It’s going to be so great, working for myself,
Just me and a producer,
Making sweet black and white movies,
Taking wide-angle stills of my friends at parties,
Living off one job for 6 months,
And not putting any money aside for tax.
I’m gonna be my own boss.
Now that it’s morning and the weed is finished,
The idea doesn’t seem so great anymore.
At least the filter coffee is free at work,
Man, I have such a headache,
At least they have free panados at work,
I think I’m getting sick,
Should maybe see a doctor,
It could be ‘swine flu’,
So glad my work pays 1/3 of my medical aid.
Maybe I’ll break out and become a director next year.
Just about to pay off my car anyway,
So glad I get a car allowance from my work.
Heard you can just ‘claim back everything from tax’ if you’re freelance
But don’t really know how that stuff works.
Things get kind of fuzzy when people talk about ‘tax returns’.
I just wanna make cool stuff.
Gonna go home and open some wine and smoke a joint.
Feel so relaxed at home,
Wish I could work here always.
Maybe I should go freelance
Maybe I should start a ‘street design trendwatching’ agency
Maybe I should become a full-time illustrator
Maybe I should import cushions from China and ‘focus on money’
Maybe I should ‘start the next Melissa’s’
Maybe I should start a band
Want to make my music happen for me
Going to finish my book
Gonna enter the Fox Network animation competition
But maybe tomorrow.
Way too stoned to do it now.
Gonna rather chill on my balcony and stare at table mountain,
And make a list of what I’m gonna do.
Today is the last day of July, hence the last day I can blog about anything birthday related. Which is why I’m dragging myself out of brain-implant / transplant recovery to write about the last bottle of Stormhoek Limited Edition 2004 Guava Pinotage I got from Chris for my birthday. (Luckily I can now ‘Blog Just By Thinking thanks to new brain. rad.) I’m not a drinker (as some of you may have gathered), but reigun and 5starRich will bear witness to my having a quarter-glass of this stuff over the course of the birthday month. It’s also made my guests super happy, who normally have to choose between 5 roses tea / water / Coke Light. Plus it looks totally hot in my kitchen. So I’m thinking I’ll get some more of this stuff and keep my cabinet full. Thanks Chris 🙂
PS. Did you know Stormhoek is MASSIVE overseas? Yep. Last time I was in LA it’s the only wine I saw ppl drinking. PPS. Blog BFF Seth is in LA at the moment. Check out his adventures here.
My brain’s been deeply engaged lately. Been thinking. Been wondering about whether I am contributing to something meaningful to the world via my career. Not really sure that ‘making milkshake worlds’ or creating the Alcoholics Of Tomorrow via ambassador programs is ever going to be the kind of thing my grandkids will brag about. Basically, I (and by I, I mean my personal brand) has been feeling a bit average.
I recently got told about the Heart Transplant Museum in Cape Town, where you can go and see life-like wax models of the first heart-transplant, and dress up like a doctor and get goosebumps at ‘following in the footsteps of greatness’.
This beautiful picture inspired me to read up about Chris Barnard on wikipedia, and about all his great achievements and how he conquered the world even though he lives on the tip of Africa and was Afrikaans. You know how black people in this country say they only find achievements inspiring if it’s done by a black person, and hence flip out about not enough black people in top positions? Well I’m the same. I can only be inspired by great things if they’re done by an Afrikaans person (via narrow-minded-excuse-making), even though I barely speak Afrikaans. But I don’t have to since ‘it’s in my blood’. Think of me as your ‘Good-Girl War-Veteran’. kisses MK xxx.
What got me all fuzzed up about him was the fact that he did most of his heart transplants free of charge, which indicates a good balance on his personal brand between narcissistic hot Doctor guy and altruist-for-the-people. Which made me realize that’s what’s missing from my personal brand – the meaning that comes from convincing other people you care about deep issues, like teen pregnancy / whether street kids have enough glue / saving the environment / pretending to push the whales back in the sea when they just want to be left alone to die.
So was thinking about adopting a meaningful cause that I can champion with my influence and passion, a cause about which I can ‘generate awareness’ and ‘conceptualise PR’ which leads to ‘word-of-mouth buzz marketing and viral activational engagements’. Some of the causes I’ve been considering include:
1. Advertisements have rights too, ie. Writing up a ‘constitution’ for advertisements that includes ‘ads have the right to shelter’ and then protesting when a billboard that has not been printed with UV-resistant ink is placed in an open area without cover. People seem to like protesting here. Probably because most of our people have ‘natural rhythm’ and tapping into that kind of momentum would mean half the work is done, ie. Tapping into the long-tailing trend and catching a ride on the collaboration fad wave.
2. Affirmative Action for the oppressed, ie. All the creatives who have had their work discriminated against by clients should be given a free lunch, maybe free medical aid (because of all the mental abortions they have had to endure), and all the top jobs in government. Really think that government would have a great image if they hired us to ‘create a vibe’ in the office, or whatever. Could maybe take a page out of Peet Pienaar’s book (but not the same book he keeps designing over and over and giving a new name to a la Afro, Bruce Lee, etc) and leave trails of boerewors lying around parliament, like the ones Peet left lying around at Jupiter (miss u Jupiter).
3. Client tax. Basically the client pays tax on all the changes they make to a finished, cohesive concept. So the more you strip away in favour of budget (via the recession / general ignorance of the merit of having a concept in your advertising), the more tax you pay on a concept. The tax goes towards supplying creatives with ‘soul deposits’, since stripping concepts takes chunks out of the soul of the creative, like a shark in a frenzy. This might be too abstract however. Not sure whether a currency needs to be set up for ‘soul deposits’. Not sure what would be a happy medium for everyone, since people are so diverse. Maybe the currency can be butternut soup, which is quite neutral. Or heroine, since even if you don’t actively like it now, you probably will like it once you try it. Or maybe something meaningful, like a Louis Vuitton handbag. Basically once you’ve had 10 ideas stripped down to nothing you have earned 1 handbag. Works for me.
Green advertising. This is where we only print in green to create awareness around the fact that we are aware of the environment, and how bad we feel when we print out 100 page PDFs because it’s ‘easier than flicking between screens’. This is really just first-phase at the moment.
That’s where I’ve got up to so far. Let me know if you have a cause you’d like me to champion. I am your humble servant, at your service, here to serve you in any way that I can in a humble fashion. Just want y’ulle to see me as DEEP as well as shallow.
I am a GirlJock
In high school my identity was defined by my place in the hockey team
And my place at the sidelines of every ‘big game’ that ‘my’ boys played
And not much has changed except now
I am allowed to drink (legally)
And Thank god (I mean that, I am Christian, Anglican in fact),
because drinking is probably the biggest part of my identity today.
I am a GirlJock
I have over 1000 friends on facebook
All of them love me because I am the life of the party
I am always smiling
There are over 1000 photos on facebook of me smiling
I have sooooo much fun
With all my friends who love my smile
We have so much fun because we are sooooo pissed
We get up to soooooo much craziness at the game / the ball / the girlz night out / the J&B Met
When we get together
And get pissed
I am a GirlJock
All my friends wish they were me
Even the hot skinny blonde ones
Even though I can’t shake the extra weight I carry around
(it’s because of my drinking, but who cares what you look like when you can party!)
but being overweight doesn’t stop like, a million guys being my best friend
I have soooooo many guy friends
I am in love with like, all of them, but I’ll never risk telling them because
“I don’t want to ruin the friendship”
though I am actually scared they will reject me
because I am not at my ‘ideal weight’
but I keep ordering another drink hoping that
we will be sooo pissed and end up kissing on the dancefloor / at the rugby
and it will turn into something meaningful
I am a GirlJock
I studied whatever my older brother studied
And in some ways, I think my older brother is my soul mate
He said I should have been HeadGirl of my highschool
And I totally agree with him
We are the best of friends
I am a GirlJock
I am highly sociable and am able to be ‘friends with everyone’ (it actually says that on my CV)
Even the zany little creative people
Who don’t work at my accounting firm and claim to ‘hate rugby’ (cute!)
I am a GirlJock
Can’t wait for the weekend
So I can get soooo pissed and partay with like, all my millions of friends
And take photos and post them on facebook
So everyone can see how much fun I am
And how awesome my life is.
I am a GirlJock.
So much has happened during the time that I was imprisoned by Vodacom’s non-existent 3G service, and work has been a swooshing whirlwind of deadlines and free-time-sucking-vortices (that’s the plural for Vortex, for my Client Service readers). so this is just a quick post to bring y’ulle up to speed with the week. firstly, dear friend Genevieve came down from Joburg for a visit. We’d planned to have our tattoos together but the artist designing mine is still busy so I just watched her get hers instead.
We also had another poker evening and made the mistake of inviting Richard, who cleaned us all out because he is a LEAGUE Poker Player and neglected to tell us plebs.
and then on Wednesday morning I remembered that South Africa’s favourite blog was running an iPhone competition and thought, oh heck, I already pay the Euromillions Lottery, I might as well enter. So i did, and I freaking WON – sheer awesomeness incarnate. So now I have an iPhone, just as my old cellphone contract was up for renewal as well. Happiness.
And to add insult to injury (the injury of those who didnt win the iPhone) I also won £9 in the lottery in Friday’s draw, which I have recycled into more lottery tickets, because that is how I roll. After I got my iPhone, I was extreeeeeemely busy writing radio ads (which the client hated, FYI) and ‘getting my freak on’ at the agency party that night. Since I have become a holier-than-thou runner, I no longer stay until that point at which some slut from PR takes off all her clothes and runs naked on the balcony for R1000 (it’s a standing offer at King James), so unfortunately I don’t have pics of that (apparently this time it was Ophelia from Events). But I do have pictures of good times before 9pm which I’ll gladly share with you:
Some random snaps: my favourite pair of cousins, when they were over here for dinner a few weeks ago (takes a while for me to get my act together scanning polaroids – what an effort, but worth it):
and a pic of @reigun and I at the old biscuit mill in woodstock about a month ago. Please note, if you have not yet experienced the glory that is a tuna burger from the biscuit mill on a saturday morning, then you are missing.out.on.life.
And that’s about it, apart from this Patty Pan that’s been on top of the fridge for a month now. Not really sure what it’s doing there, but it does make ‘getting the milk out the fridge’ a more ‘blogworthy’ experience.
saw this on vonbrandis’s photo stream and it brought barbie streisand alive in my mind singing that song ‘Memories’:
the OK bazaar reminds me of a simpler time:
Like that one time we stopped off in that small town
on the way to/from a holiday
We realized that towns in South Africa are not like the cities
Nobody is ‘deadline-driven’
Most people are ‘dop-system’ driven,
Hanging around on the pavements
Outside the OK Bazaars.
Long before Mr Price,
And a little before the glory-days of Game
(5 chocolates for the price of 2),
We could sit around on pavements, ‘dreaming of London’,
Buying Blush magazine, crème-soda and candied almonds
From the OK Bazaars.
You’d go there to get your new school shoes
And your pressed polyester school dress / shirt / shorts
They offered not only Tough-ees,
But also a cheaper alternative with nicer tear-drops
And thicker soles,
There, at the OK Bazaars.
Then along came Hyper-Rama
With their hey-days and their black-and-white knockouts,
Zany Charlie Chaplin vibes,
And then their hey-day would come back again,
And then there was Game,
So pink, so black,
And everybody just forgot
About the OK Bazaars.
Are you there Standard Bank / Nike / American Swiss / Pick ‘n Pay / Woolworths / Gucci / Hunter’s Dry / True Religion / Apple? it’s me, Alex.
Dear Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands that factor me into your marketing strats,
I feel a little lost. I have come to you seeking guidance in a difficult time. I feel very alone, and I have tough decisions to make, and chewy issues, and I need ur guidance. I will outline my problems and use some graphs to help you understand.
What should I be doing with my life? I am at the tender age where I go from falling in the 18 – 24 demographic to the 25 – 30 demographic. I am not sure what I should be wearing / doing with my free time / which magazines I should be reading / which websites I should be reading / which TV stations I should be watching / which ads I should be consuming / which bank I should be using / which cellphone network will give me the most bundled benefits. It’s all very confusing for me. Can you maybe send me a copy of the 25 Year-Old White Girl LSM 8-10 Manual so I can photocopy this phase in my life? I’ll basically buy whatever you tell me to, Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands, but you gotta speak to me.
What should my income be? What should I be doing for a living? Am I in a lucrative career? What should I be drinking? I feel lost, Lifestyle Brands. What is my Corporate Identity? What should my logo be? What should my facebook status (payoff line) read?
Yesterday I went to the bank and they told me the only difference between their card packages was the price and the colour of the cards. Help me, Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands. I really want a White Gold Platinum Black Dining Express Club Card but I will have to pay more in card fees. Why is the world like this? Life is so unfair.
Dear Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands, why is there war in Iraq? Is it because George Bush opened a new Nike Sweatshop there? Why did that man slash all those babies in Belgium? Was it because his mom put him in Pampers not Cuddlers when he was little? Why do we have to keep reading articles about Julius Malema? Is he a ‘subliminal ambassador’ for MacDonald’s? Is it because he wears really pointy shoes from Spitz, making him ‘highly quotable’?
Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands, I know some people don’t believe in you. But I believe in you. I need you. I need you to tell me who I am based on what I should buy and where I fall into your marketing strategies. I will do whatever you say. Your love is all-embracing. Keep it real.
PS. I can’t be reached through TV ads and I don’t read magazines, and I will defriend you if you SMS me, so do something real amazing to catch my attention. Free stuff is prob your best bet. Cool.
so a lot of people on ‘the facebook’ are inviting me to sign some sort of pantyliner petition protesting the passing of the Western Cape Liquor Bill. this bill will mean clubs and places of disrepute will not be able to sell alcohol past 2am, thereby destroying lives, leaving children parentless, causing multiple road accidents, causing crime, pushing drunkards out into the streets where they cause chaos – oh no wait – that’s what happens if the liquor bill doesn’t get passed. that’s what happens right now, as it is. sorry for the confusion.
it’s hard not to see the flagrant injustice in the passing of this kind of bill. what will all those middle class afda / cape tech / UCT / vega dropouts have to blame their pregnancies on? how will rich white kids explain how they got syphilis to their parents, now that the only acceptable excuse –“i was sooo fucked” – will no longer be available? will it force the girls to admit that they just wanted to ‘secure a man’ for the future? is there anything wrong with ‘securing a man’ through pregnancy? is getting pregnant cheaper than taking out a policy with liberty life / more viable than getting a job? is getting syphilis more ‘fun’ than registering for tax? what your experiences y’ulle? is sleeping with all your friends more appealing than ‘getting a job’ and ‘being responsible adults’? hey have you ever heard drinkers boasting about how many pedestrians they’ve killed? apparently it’s the latest thing – getting drunk and then driving home / into a wall / into someone’s child / into another car. gotta stay ahead of what’s cool y’ulle.
and what about the ‘liberals’ who like to converse on the balconies of Long Street (The Waiting Room, Neighborhood), telling each other lies about who they are and offering each other jobs they don’t have the authority to offer? how will groups of friends all sleep together now that there’s nowhere to hang out drinking until having an orgy / hooking up with your ‘best friend’ seems like it’s a good idea? how will slags steal boyfriends now that most boyfriends will be sober and home at a decent hour? i feel like this liquor bill is really gonna throw a spanner into Cape Town’s social workings, y’ulle.
without booze, how will we connect y’ulle? how will we overcome our introvert-by-nature personality types? how will we meet random strangers whom we can add as friends on facebook the next day, so we can tell ourselves that we are ‘meeting cool people’ and are ‘really connecting with awesome people, man’. how will we pretend that living in Cape Town is in any way socially rewarding?
how will we make mutually embarrassing memories to be brought up later in the workplace / at college / at tech / at varsity / at creative collective meetings / at Royale before our waitressing shift starts? what will we talk about if not how f*cked we all got last night (“Whoa last night was soooo hectic man”)? what will we say in our facebook statuses if we can’t say “xxx is ready to party! xxx just wants to party bro! xxx is feeling last night’s party man”?
i personally don’t know what the big fuss is about because y’ulle can just start drinking a little earlier. have y’ulle learnt nothing from the Winehouse? she just drinks all day, unphased by pub closing times. it doesn’t really interest me much because i don’t drink. drinking makes you ugly y’ulle. it makes your cheeks puffy and saggy and it bursts the little veins in your face. but i guess y’ulle who are drinkers sleep with other drinkers while drunk so you forgive stuff like that. i guess it helps coz you can tell if your potential mate ‘shares your interests’ while you’re sober because they look like shit. but i’m just surmising here. maybe y’ulle can set me straight. go have a party and set me straight.