Category Archives: people i work with

Conversation with a CRM manager

Phone rings. I answer.


CRM dude:     Hello, is that Mr van Tonder?


Me:                  No it’s not Mr van Tonder.


CRM dude:    Um, is that Queen van Tonder?


Me:                  Uh…sure. Let’s go with ‘Queen’ (flashbacks to a very varied Title drop-down menu…).


CRM dude:     Okay, Queen van Tonder, I’m calling from [Premium Alcohol Brand],   and I’d just like to confirm your details are still the same.


Me:                  Sure. How can I help you?


CRM dude:     Is your address still ‘Castle Greyskull, Wembley Square’?


Me:         Uh… (thinks back to that one evening years ago when I was asked to ‘fill in your details if you would like to experience further     communication from Premium Alcohol Brand’) No. It’s Castle Greyskull, 3rd Floor North Block, Wembley Square.


CRM dude:    Thanks. Enjoy the rest of your day!



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Tried my best. Over 2 y’ulz.


Y’ulz, all my life
Tried so hard ‘2 be spesh’
So scared of goin’ through this life
With a ‘fake moleskine from clicks’
Decided to ‘take this shot at my future’
And try out
4 da ‘National Cre8ive Team’ (via Design Indaba Supastars)



Y’ulz, all my life
Tried so hard ‘2 be different’
Stuck lots of ‘zany images from fffffound’ on my walls
Wrote lots of ‘zany cre8ive ideas’ on my hands (2 look busy while ‘on the internet’)
Updated my fbook with ‘ambiguous truths that might be about u’
Sang along 2 MGMT / Peter Bjorn & Jbro (even tweeted some lyrics)



Y’ulz
Tried so hard 2 ‘do my cre8ive bros proud’
Smoked cigarettes ‘til my gums bleed tar’
Drank alcohol ‘til I pissed premium beer’
Did lines ‘til my antidepressants didn’t work’
Even ‘talked bout digital being da future’ late in2 the nite with my Cre8ive Director y’ulz



Y’ulz
Tried so hard 2 ‘differentiate my Personal Brand’
Even ‘wrote all over my shoes’ (via customisation)
Zaned 2 the max and ‘Wore Converse with a dress’
Even ‘slept with all my guy friends’ once (via being a slag)
So I could be ‘truly cre8ive’



Is over to y’ulz now
Can do no more (‘cept encourage y’all 2 ‘clear ur cache’ so y’alls can ‘rig my vote’)
S’all up 2 you now
My crea8ive bros
Click on this link 2 ‘show me some 5 star luvin’
Maybe my dream will ‘cum true’
And I can stop ‘chasing the Loerie’
Maybe y’ulz
Maybe. Tried my best.

*******************************************************

If y’ulz would like 2 see me representin’ on the ‘National Cre8ive Team’, please click here and rate my entry (below) with 5 Stars. Then clear your cache & do it again. Ta bros.

Y’ulz can rest assured that if i make it onto the ‘National Cre8ive Team’ I will make sure biscuits are compulsory in ALL cre8ive briefings & will insist that all Client Service ppl ‘wear a bell around their necks’ so we ‘know they are coming’.

My boss’s dog

His master's couch.

I know, right? Yet ANOTHER reason to get into advertising.

Learning 2 speak Client Service y’ulz

Hey y’ulz. Year is “drawing 2 a close”. Nearly holiday time. “A time 4 family” (4 those of y’ulz whose dad di’nt shoot y’ulz due to the recession / being a policeman). “A time 4 giving” (4 those of y’ulz who are new 2 jail / advertising).

NE wayz, Just got handed a debrief with this instruction:

“Please craft copy.”


Is cool, can dig it coz it kind of “makes sense”. Is a debrief on a conceptual job, so the copy ‘woznt 4 realsies’ NE wayz. But kind of confused bcoz we presented 4 different ideas / directions, but the debrief gots no word on which idea / version of not-4-realsies-copy the client bought & wants crafted. Confused y’ulz.

Flipped through debrief but no more clues. Opened job bag 2 see if further instructions were hidden inside like a “Simba Surprise”. Closed my eyes & opened my 3rd eye while moving upside down shot glass slowly over job bag like ouijja board, hoping some friendly demon bro would “clarify the details on the debrief” via “being invoked”. Nothing y’ulz.


Phoned client service due 2 confusion. Felt rly bad coz interrupted her hair appointment plus messed up her nails coz she had 2 answer phone.



I said:

“Am like sooooo sorry 2 interrupt your hair appy, am so sorry, here, bought this chocolate cake i baked myself from flour my grandma ground herself just before she died, but kind of don’t know what u mean on your debrief. Please could you explain, even if you just give me one more word 2 go by. Am really stupid, pls excuse me.”


She said:

“Why are cre8ive so stupid? I meant pls go with option 2, except make it about unicorns instead of pegasuses, plus copy needs 2 sound like it is being spoken by the sound of Danny De Vito’s one hand clapping in Batman Returns, also client would like 3 different version of the copy for use on 3 diff size ads, plus a radio campaign.”



Felt so blessed y’ulz. Normally NEVER get this much information on “what client wants” from Client Service. Offered 2 ‘wash her feet with my hair’ but she was like “you cre8ives are so creepy” and turned her hairdryer back on. Don’t rly know what 2 do with myself now since managed 2 ‘klap the debrief one-time’ when it normally takes 7 000 reverts due to there “never being enough time 4 a proper brief & always enuff time 2 redo the work”. Feel like I have made majah progress. Feel like am “learning the language of Client Service” y’ulz. Huge.



So grateful 2 be just a small part of something so big y’all.

What should I go as to the Agency Halloween party?

Is the agency Halloween Party on Friday. Have pre-filled my timesheets with work so I can ‘get lunch at Garden’s Centre’ while picking up a l’il something a Party Tricks / Mardi Gras / Tinka Tonka Toys. Feel like I rly need 2 ‘bring it’ this yr since the USA took Halloween to a whole new level (via Noah Cyrus aka Miley’s sister aged 9)
Is okay y'als, I'm Christian. The Lord made my body in his image.
Could always recycle my Amy Winehouse costume from the xmas party but will risk creatives saying ‘it’s been done b4’. Dress code is ‘your baddest self’ which is kinda vague (via PR organising a party & not rly getting the idea of “single-minded messaging”).

Fond xmas party memories.

Considering ‘showing some tit’ via saying I’m “dressed as Client Service”, but worried no one will ask me what I’m dressed as (via thinking I rly am Client Service) & will have to drop the words I AM CLIENT SERVICE into casual conversation while ppl stare at my tits & don’t listen 2 what I am saying. Is quite catch-22. Very confused. Will draw a graph.

A graphical representation of the 'excuse 2 dress like a slag' Halloween trend

Don’t rly understand my graph. What are y’ulz gonna be this Halloween? Mike Schalit? John Farqhar? Brian Searle-Tripp? (miss u BST).

I am a super fucking awesome Social Media Guru

Just watch it“. Thanks Dylan.

rebranding phase 1: trying a new look

As y’all know, I’m going through a ‘rebranding’ process. So i’ll be trying out a few new look & feels, messaging, tone, etc over the next few weeks. My first experimental hypothesis is: Should I speak about people as if they are animals, and where possible, make them wear animal masks around me? This would be a strategic move on my behalf that would create a key differentiating factor between this blog & other advertising blogs. After all, ‘we are just animals anyway’. Plus animals are generally ‘genuine at heart’ and without any ‘personal agenda’ which results in their being ‘highly accessible and well-liked’ by a variety of demographics, regardless of the confusing fact that I ‘own a sewing machine yet am not LSM 9’. What y’ulz thank?

Portrait of the author as a horse.

Portrait of the copywriter as a 'horse'.

The Production dept shall be known from now on as the elephant parade.

The Production dept shall be known from now on as 'the elephant parade'.

Designer shall henceforth be referred to as Budgies, or, Budgerigars.

Designers shall henceforth be referred to as 'Budgies', or, 'Budgerigars'.

The head of production, while an elephant, is able to speak horse to get through to the copywriters.

The head of production, while an elephant, is able to 'speak horse' to get through to the copywriters.

The director of Operations is a sheep, because it is ironic, and heaven forbid there not be some form of irony in this post.

The director of Operations is a sheep, because it is ironic, and heaven forbid there not be some form of irony in this post.