Category Archives: poetry

Psychographic profile: I am teh ghost of a dead blog

I am the ghost of a dead blog
booooo
did i scare u?
hope so. y’all woke me up from ‘the dreamless sleep’.
am pissed y’all. what do y’all think i died 4???
just want 2 die.
tired of bein ‘zany ‘n smart’.
is fun, but like, ‘u can’t be cool 4eva’ +
‘cool doesn’t pay da billz’ +
‘enjoy urself, take only what you need from it’
etc.
was kinda enjoying being dead.
is real peaceful.
no 1 to get all up in my facebook
no 3G here in hell


don’t hav 2 maintain ur personal brand (via being on fire all the time)
plus satan kinda keeeeeeeewl.
but now i went andgot all resurrected
by a reputable publication with a ‘niche-but-influential and educated readership’
(kinda wish it was heat magazine but whatevs)

i am the ghost of a dead blog.
boooOOOOOoooooo
gonna rattle my alexander mcqueen chain bags at u
keeping u up in the dark night of ur blog
feeling kinda vengeful
since when i was still alive
ppl were like, u r stupid
now i’m dead, ppl are like, u  were so like, clevs
“the blog artist’s value is only recognised posthumounguously”
isn’t it typical

“it’s like that, and that’s the way it is” – run dmc

don’t worry – not very vengeful. just l’il bit.
just gonna make ur light bulbs flicker some.
not gonna go polty on you. boooOOOOoo.

i am the ghost of a dead blog.
woke up coz i rolled in my grave
kinda just feel like we need to talk about ‘letting go’


did y’all get pissed at MJ when Thriller the song ends?
Do y’all get pissed when the movie u hired is finished?
stupid f-ing movie! u came to an end!

This is a meme joke. Do u get it?

did y’all get pissed at JK Rowling when she finished Harry Potter?
(ok so bad example. f-u JK. you got me hooked.)
NEwayz just trying to help you let go

This is a pooooOOOooetry joke. Do u get it?

boooOOOOOoooooooo

I am the ghost of a dead blog
was ‘summoned by the oujja board of journalistic truthful objective unbiased integritay’
never imagined dis blowgn thang would ‘get all intellectualised’
just wanted to be awesome y’ulz.
never dreamed my personal brand would have such ‘residual value attached to its key branding paradigm pillars of differentiation’.
kinda emotional about it.
(via wishing i was still dead)
there is only one feeling in hell (being burned)
sad, was just betterin my table tennis scores
was just getting 2 know satan (miss u bro. next time i see you PING PONG IS ON LIKE KING KONG!)

I am the ghost of a dead blog.
Gonna go ‘back 2 bed now’.
it was ‘nice chatting’.
off you go now to the new blog.
know that i am always with you.
am there in the new blog
though u cannot always see me.
if u look carefully, i am there.


am just ‘talking in a different accent’.
am just ‘trying on some new blogshoes’.
just ‘exploring a new personal sub-brand’.
da holding company stays da same. 4evs y’all. pinkie swear.

miss y’ulz.
love y’ulz.
h8 y’ulz.
ditto.


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Latest Single Release: Da Black Puma


Y’ulz I’m bored in da New SA
Got myself elected now I sit all day
Sippin’ on the Chivas in the Union Buildings
Got me all randy like a buckwild gelding
Hired all my homies now they owe my ass big
They be sippin’ on my juicies like a suckling pig
I ask for a car and they buy me a jag
I ask for cash I get a Louis Vuitton bag
I ask for a crib and they build me a castle
Coz dey love how I do it in dem leopard-skin tassles


I’m Zuma
Da Black Puma
I got’s a peen and I know how to use her
I’m Zuma
Da Black Puma
You wanna do it in the conference room-ah?



I got 5 wives and even more lives coz my dick don’t stick when I dip it like a knife
In the honeypots filled to da brim with AIDS
Guess it’s all true what my witchdoctor say
“Take dis tongue of frog and dis eye of newt
mix it all together throw da bitch in the boot
drive her off a cliff if she says you raped her
say ‘no comment’ when dey call da newspaper
You da Prez you can do what you wanna
Ok Maybe not da cliff just send her off to Ghana”



I’m Zuma
Da Black Puma
I got’s a peen and I know how to use her
I’m Zuma
Da Black Puma
You like my snazzy jazzy party costume-ah?


I been Prez one year so I’m kicking up a gear coz I got this old man Mandela in my ear
Says ‘Uphold the institution of the A – N – C
Less funky chicken, more AIDS policy’
Mandela-shmela-kwela dang dis geezer don’t stop
Kicked him out my office for my dawgs dat give me props
You don’t like my rules I piss you out like water
And when you not looking I be sticking it in your daughter


I’m Zuma
Da Black Puma
I got’s a peen and I know how to use her
I’m Zuma
Da Black Puma
I push my seed in your babygirl’s womb-a


Going to a brand party y’all.

I’m going to a brand party / secret event / happening
Gonna do my makeup dark & smudgy
Gonna sweat into my bangs to ‘bring the seks’
Gonna wear sneakers with a dress
Prolly not Converse this time
More of an Adi vibe
Kind of over Converse anyway
Plus don’t want 2 break the rules
(is diff with Adi)

NO U ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THIS CARPET. PLS GO BACK & READ THE RULES.

NO U ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THIS CARPET. PLS GO BACK & READ THE RULES.

I’m going to a brand party / secret event / happening
Gonna gloat about it on my fbook status / tweet to my followers / set my skype bubble 2 read:

“Hey any1 else going2 that super secret triple helix party on sat 24 oct 2009 at an undisclosed venue unless u also got the Ltd Edtn Test Tube?

No 1?

Guess I’m looking 4 a friend 2 come w me…

Who’s the lucky ‘friend’ gonna be?”

(And wait 4 ppl 2 beg 2 come with me via commenting on my status innocuous comments like ‘what’s dat party u talking about? sounds lame’)

Super top secret.

Super top secret.

I’m going to a brand party / secret event / happening
it’s only my 7 452nd one this year
Am aiming for 8 001 to top last yrs total
Am no longer capable of forming an opinion on a venue based on my feelings y’ulz.
Can only ‘go some place’ based on what brand will be giving me free stuff there
(is totally fine, kind of over having my own opinnies anyway)
So amped for this one
Bound to be free booze / hot sweaty sneaker bros / branded freebies
Just wanna get sh*tfaced / ‘meet new people’ / take pics on my Lomo app 2 upload 2 Flickr so ppl can see how awesomely zany my life is (in comparison 2 their crappy life & average camera)
hope they do a lucky draw for some Ltd Edtn sneaks / holographic laser pointer keyring / branded cap ‘n shirt
need something to make me ‘feel superior 2 every1 around me’ via being “expensive yet free” thereby implying how much i ‘take expensive shit 4 granted’ ‘because I can’,
now that bingeing on fast food / smoking cigarettes / sex with strangers / sex with extended group of friends has ‘hit the mainstream’
(such hard work being cutting edge y’ulz)

Just want 2 feel alive (via branded events).

Just want 2 feel alive (via branded events).

I’m going to a brand party / secret event / happening
Gonna ‘form a meaningful relationship w Adi via their embracing the Mad Scientist trend-fad’
Gonna engage w down2earth peeps employed on behalf of Adi
2 ‘be the voice of the shoe of the people’
Gonna punch out the lenses in the 3D glasses I got from watching UP & chill in the toilets with my top off & pretend am in a Lyall Coburn shoot
(can only dream y’all).

Photo of introspective yet active-looking cool chick by Lyall Coburn (extremely authentic photog)

Photo of introspective yet active-looking cool chick by Lyall Coburn (extremely authentic photog) from Adi Originals campaign

Photo of me via non-LC photog but getting there

Photo of me via non-LC photog but 'getting there' (PS. wish I put some Adis in that Pie Chart Of Stuff That Is Cool. "Art Regret")

I’m going to a brand party / secret event / happening
Y’ulz going? (is top secret)

Psychographic Profile: I am a Client Looking To Capitalise On Social Media

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
To be honest, I don’t know WTF I’m doing.
Went to some talk,
Where there was some chick,
Talking about ‘conversations not campaigns’,
She made some good points ,
She was quite hot,
Think I’m just gonna start a facebook group and ‘see how it goes’.

Back in Advertisings Heyday. Miss u

Back in 'Advertising's Heyday'. Miss u

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media ,
I just joined this site called ‘Twitter’.
Have y’all heard of it?
Not really sure what the point is,
It’s kind of like I’m talking to myself,
“Just trying to get the hang of this Twitter thing”.
I got my first follower today,
Some chick who sells Britney Spears Sex Tapes,
Guess everyone’s trying to ‘push their brand’ on Twitter,
Everyone’s an entrepreneur on the internet.

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I’m fucking sick of these little social media brats
Who come into my office with their ‘netbooks’,
And their “keynote”,
And their mobile marketing statistics,
And get their buddies to ‘tweet at me’,
And tell me ‘agencies don’t get digital’.
You know what agencies DO get? Sales.
These little social media brats know nothing about business,
About the bottom line,
Show me my ROI you little shits,
And then I’ll assign you a PO,
You little brat.
I’ve fucking built a branded empire,
And you’ve built a blog.
I’d buy and sell your blog tomorrow,
Except all you blog about is social-fucking-media.
Fuck.

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
But I’m not into this whole ‘logging in’ thing.
Besides facebook is blocked at my office,
Because my staff spend too much time on it
When they should be focusing on their targets.
Can’t I just pay you to do it for me?
Can’t you just start a facebook group?
Can’t I pay you to write my blog? Can’t be too much work?
Or what are these new things? ‘Fan pages’.
My son says ‘fan pages’ are the new thing.
Yes, my son keeps me up to date with this ‘social media stuff’
He’s 14, so he’s very in touch with ‘what’s cool’.
He also hates my guts so our family shrink recommended we ‘bond over his love for technology’.
Can you do my facebook page?

Sure Ill run your blog.

Sure I'll run your blog.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
I’m sick of spending too much money on TV ads,
Only to be outdone by our competitor brands ,
Who spent double on their TV ad,
Sucks.
Just wanted be named the Sunday Times Markinor Marketer of the Year,
So decided 2 do a ‘viral campaign’,
Hired that Zany New Media Social Word of Marketing company,
They came up with this social media ‘touchpoint plan’,
But some chick reported us to twitter.
Said we were “spamming” her.
Guess we got a little overzealous with the DMs,
Just wanted to get to a million followers soooooo bad.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I am scared.
The race is on for a best practise model,
And I have no fucking clue how to develop one.
Should have stayed in sales,
At least I got a commission,
This is just a mission,
Gonna go get lunch and stuff myself since I gave up smoking and drinking after my 1st bypass.
So scared y’all,
So scared.

Anybody out there?

Hello?


Thinking about ‘breaking out’ y’ulle.

Been preoccupied lately. Have so much to think about.

Been preoccupied lately. Have so much to think about.

I am an art director / copywriter
But I feel like my talents are not being used to my full potential
See, I have vision.
I am an all-round creative,
But I have been pigeon-holed as a crayon hugger / wordbird,
And I’m just not down with that shiz.
When I was at high school, I got the writing AND the art AND the drama prize,
Now, no one even knows that I can sing,
Even though I always monopolise the microphone at agency karaoke parties,
Despite the drunk sluts who try steal it to sing ‘Lady Marmalade’.
Just want people to know who I really am.
Sooooooo sick of it.

I am like the caged cheetah who chews its own paw off.

I am like the caged cheetah who chews its own paw off.

Had a deep chat with my friend last night.
We drank some wine, smoked some pot and imagined a perfect world,
Where we creatives could work together collaboratively,
And just make cool stuff,
Which made me decide to ‘break out’.
Gonna put together a Flickr site of some of my Lomo photos,
And become a film /commercials director / photographer.
I know it’s gonna be hard,
Gonna start right at the bottom again,
Will be a bitch since I now have a middle-management salary,
But you can’t put a price on creative expression,
Even if for everything else there’s Mr Card.
It’s going to be so great, working for myself,
Just me and a producer,
Making sweet black and white movies,
Taking wide-angle stills of my friends at parties,
Desaturating everything,
Living off one job for 6 months,
And not putting any money aside for tax.
I’m gonna be my own boss.

New business pitch - my way.

New business pitch - my way.

But-
Now that it’s morning and the weed is finished,
The idea doesn’t seem so great anymore.
At least the filter coffee is free at work,
Man, I have such a headache,
At least they have free panados at work,
I think I’m getting sick,
Should maybe see a doctor,
It could be ‘swine flu’,
So glad my work pays 1/3 of my medical aid.
Maybe I’ll break out and become a director next year.
Just about to pay off my car anyway,
So glad I get a car allowance from my work.
Heard you can just ‘claim back everything from tax’ if you’re freelance
But don’t really know how that stuff works.
Things get kind of fuzzy when people talk about ‘tax returns’.
I just wanna make cool stuff.
Gonna go home and open some wine and smoke a joint.

I have a lot of things to think about.

I have a lot of things to think about.

Feel so relaxed at home,
Wish I could work here always.
Maybe I should go freelance
Maybe I should start a ‘street design trendwatching’ agency
Maybe I should become a full-time illustrator
Maybe I should import cushions from China and ‘focus on money’
Maybe I should ‘start the next Melissa’s’
Maybe I should start a band
Want to make my music happen for me
Going to finish my book
Gonna enter the Fox Network animation competition
But maybe tomorrow.
Way too stoned to do it now.
Gonna rather chill on my balcony and stare at table mountain,
And make a list of what I’m gonna do.

Need some time to think.

Need some time to think.

Psychographic Profile: I am an intern

I am an intern,
And I take myself very seriously.
I go to an expensive advertising school,
Where they teach me to be a designer and an art director and a copywriter and a marketer and a client service person,
And when I graduate,
I will be the most amazing advertising being,
And you will all bow down to me
And my Cre8ive Recreation sneakers,
That I bought on sale
At Poppa Trunks
(which is more of a T-shirt store than a sneaker store, just FYI)

I am an intern,
And I am frustrated.
How am I supposed to show off my genius
When the internet doesn’t even work in this sh*thole agency
(oops – did I say that aloud?)
Also no one is telling me how to work the frikkin’ printer,
What do you expect me to just ‘figure it out myself’?
What kind of a show is this?

I am an intern.
I’m giving up my holiday so I can be ‘assured of a job’,
So just shut up about the rece$$ion because rece$$ions only affect mediocre people,
And I am not mediocre bro.
I am the top of my class
(why else would I be here?)
All my lecturers say I’m brilliant,
I even have ‘genius’ written across my portfolio
(Just as a joke, but I actually really mean it),
And my lecturer also says I will suit a ‘creative’ agency
More than a corporate one,
Even though my lecturer says  I am versatile enough to handle both.

I am an intern.
The senior copywriter teases me.
I frikking hate her, stupid bitch.
She thinks she is soooo smart,
Always cracking her sarcastic jokes.
I’ll show her, I’ll put her in her place.
I’ll say
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit”
even though she’s actually using irony
(my writing course wasn’t that in-depth).
I’ll just call her on it,
And she’ll know who she’s dealing with.
Bitch.

I am an intern.
Just wish I could graduate and start working already.
I’m sick of pretend,
I’m ready for the real world.
Just wanna get out there and make some ads.
Am sooooooooo frustrated,
And the frikking internet is soooo slow,
Facebook won’t frikking upload pictures.
Gonna text my friend and invite him to the bar
And pretend I ‘own this joint’,
And offer him beer as if it is my own

I am an intern
Where’s. My. Desk.