Category Archives: The Client Special

Graphic Designer vs. Client

Want a brochure / logo / business card designed quickly for minimum budget? Watch this. Thanks CaptainJennifer 🙂

Psychographic Profile: I am a Client Looking To Capitalise On Social Media

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
To be honest, I don’t know WTF I’m doing.
Went to some talk,
Where there was some chick,
Talking about ‘conversations not campaigns’,
She made some good points ,
She was quite hot,
Think I’m just gonna start a facebook group and ‘see how it goes’.

Back in Advertisings Heyday. Miss u

Back in 'Advertising's Heyday'. Miss u

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media ,
I just joined this site called ‘Twitter’.
Have y’all heard of it?
Not really sure what the point is,
It’s kind of like I’m talking to myself,
“Just trying to get the hang of this Twitter thing”.
I got my first follower today,
Some chick who sells Britney Spears Sex Tapes,
Guess everyone’s trying to ‘push their brand’ on Twitter,
Everyone’s an entrepreneur on the internet.

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I’m fucking sick of these little social media brats
Who come into my office with their ‘netbooks’,
And their “keynote”,
And their mobile marketing statistics,
And get their buddies to ‘tweet at me’,
And tell me ‘agencies don’t get digital’.
You know what agencies DO get? Sales.
These little social media brats know nothing about business,
About the bottom line,
Show me my ROI you little shits,
And then I’ll assign you a PO,
You little brat.
I’ve fucking built a branded empire,
And you’ve built a blog.
I’d buy and sell your blog tomorrow,
Except all you blog about is social-fucking-media.
Fuck.

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
But I’m not into this whole ‘logging in’ thing.
Besides facebook is blocked at my office,
Because my staff spend too much time on it
When they should be focusing on their targets.
Can’t I just pay you to do it for me?
Can’t you just start a facebook group?
Can’t I pay you to write my blog? Can’t be too much work?
Or what are these new things? ‘Fan pages’.
My son says ‘fan pages’ are the new thing.
Yes, my son keeps me up to date with this ‘social media stuff’
He’s 14, so he’s very in touch with ‘what’s cool’.
He also hates my guts so our family shrink recommended we ‘bond over his love for technology’.
Can you do my facebook page?

Sure Ill run your blog.

Sure I'll run your blog.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
I’m sick of spending too much money on TV ads,
Only to be outdone by our competitor brands ,
Who spent double on their TV ad,
Sucks.
Just wanted be named the Sunday Times Markinor Marketer of the Year,
So decided 2 do a ‘viral campaign’,
Hired that Zany New Media Social Word of Marketing company,
They came up with this social media ‘touchpoint plan’,
But some chick reported us to twitter.
Said we were “spamming” her.
Guess we got a little overzealous with the DMs,
Just wanted to get to a million followers soooooo bad.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I am scared.
The race is on for a best practise model,
And I have no fucking clue how to develop one.
Should have stayed in sales,
At least I got a commission,
This is just a mission,
Gonna go get lunch and stuff myself since I gave up smoking and drinking after my 1st bypass.
So scared y’all,
So scared.

Anybody out there?

Hello?


The Client Special – Episode 1: How to approve a great idea.

It must be tough being a client because if you’re with a cool agency, you’re likely to be bombarded with great ideas. i’m talking snowstorm here – ‘great ideas to the left of me, brilliant ideas to the right, here i am, stuck in the middle with you.’

“if i were a client /even just 4 a day / i’d roll out of bed in the morning / and put on what i wanted and go” – Beyonce “Just-Another-Art-Director-Who-Wishes-She-Was-A-Popstar” Knowles


so after lots of thought, i have been collecting methods to make approval of ideas easier for clients. most of these methods have been tried and tested, although some of them are based purely on assumption and some are complete bullshit that I have fabricated to help me ‘deal with reality’. I will  be releasing “The Client Special – How To Approve A Great Idea’ on a weekly basis, almost like a ‘Magazine Show Blog Post’ aimed at creatives who aspire to eventually cross into Mordor and ultimately end up as brand managers.

It’s also for clients who need guidance when it comes to choosing from a whole lot of great ideas, with maybe some crap ideas mixed in there.

Pls note I cannot be held responsible for any bad advertising, tho will gladly take credit when you win at OneGoldShowPencilEagleLoerie Awards.

******************************GET READY YO**********************************************

Ad Approval Method #1: What does your cat think?


We all know that asking your kid / husband / wife / gran what they think of a campaign idea is a no-no, because of the dreaded ‘Sample of 1’ rule. But asking your cat is totally different. Cats are more intuitive. They are very picky, unlike your husband. The best way to ask your cat’s advice is to lay all the printouts from the agency all over the floor, and leave the room for a bit. Come back in 15 minutes and see which one the cat has decided to sleep on. That’s the idea that’s going to turn your business around.

(One of those solutions that seems so obvious in retrospect, right?)