Category Archives: The Loerie Awards

Psychographic Profile: I am a model at the Velocity Party


I am a model at the Velocity Party
Dunno what ‘Velocity’ is
But they’re paying me in bags of cocaine
Not that I do cocaine
Just keep it around for those dry months
When I can’t afford diet pills.

I am a model at the Velocity Party
Apparently this event is ‘the party everyone wants to go to’
Not really impressed
The people here are so ‘normal’
Most of them are midgets
And overweight
Good thing they have ‘craft skills’ and can make pretty things to sell
Bless them.

I am a model at the Velocity Party
And some blonde chick just puked on her dress
Then sat up and yelled ‘whoo hoo!’
Ew.
I’m supposed to socialize
But these midgets keep talking about ‘loories’
Have no clue what ‘loories’ are
Would ask but will probably get puked on
How long does this thing last?

I am a model at the Velocity Party
Some midget just told me he ‘made the mouse ad’
I’m not sure but I think it was a pickup line
Does anyone know what ‘mouse ad’ means?
Is it code for ‘owning a porsche’?
I’m more of a Lambo girl, myself.

I am a model at the Velocity Party
Some midget just asked me if I was in a ‘sell sea ad’
Why does everyone keep talking about ads?
This is so lame.
Have these people never heard of PVR?
Just wish it was finished so I can go home and concentrate on not eating.

I am a model at the Velocity Party.

Anyone want to do tequila shots out of my navel even though tequila makes u fat?

All photos from some post about the Loeries on Bizcommunity. If you want any removed you just let me know.
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Pre-Loeries Panic Attack #1

Uh-oh yulz. Is Loerie Awards in less than a month. In dire panic mode. Don’t have a dress. Don’t even have a designer to dress me yet. Am up a shitty cove with a creaky paddleboat in a stormdrain. Haven’t even started thinking about possible sponsored alcoholic beverage of choice for the night.

Just want people to see me as feminine yet casually cool, too.

Just want people to see me as feminine yet casually cool, too.

So much to worry about. So much to organise. Need to slip pair of Nike soles into my 9-West Choo-fakes so I can ‘go 4 miles if u kno wot I mean’. Need to organise small bag of miscellaneous white powder so can appear ‘authentically wasted’ if pulled over by the police. Must line-up strategic opportunities to be photographed ‘pushing cleavage’ / ‘getting spanked by male bosses while making an O with my mouth’ / in classic ‘whoo-hoo’ pose plus devil-horn hand-signals.

We are having sooooo much fun! Its the Loeries! Partay!

We are having sooooo much fun! It's the Loeries! Partay!

Whoo hoo!

Whoo hoo!

Must make sure iPhone is charged so can take repetitive photos of me and my 5-person ad clique over and over with an arty LOMOHOLGA filter that I can desaturate after and clog up everyone’s newsfeeds on facebook with. Must think of a zanier and louder Loerie Gimmick than a vuvuzela so Jupiter doesn’t have the crazy-spirit-monopoly at the actual event (miss u Jupiter).

Getting ready to party.

Getting ready to party.

Getting our party on at the awards. What a blast!

Getting our party on at the awards. What a blast!

Doing the SIngle LAdies dance at 3am! Dont tell my mommy!

Doing the SIngle LAdies dance at 3am! Don't tell my mommy!

We are like sooooo wasted in this pic! Cant remember having it taken!

We are like sooooo wasted in this pic! Can't remember having it taken!

Mmmm eggs yes please! Might as well keep on drinking!

Mmmm eggs yes please! Might as well keep on drinking!

Does anyone know where I can buy fake vomit 2 smear on my halter-neck top so my industry peers can ‘take me srsly’? Would make myself puke but kind of ‘worried about my teeth’.

How should I tell people about my Loerie finalists?

Hey y’ulz. Been quiet because I like to build up a little anticipation. Plus I have this new job working for free as an intern running a social media campaign for some big brand (because I was cheaper than that social media guru who ppl think is ‘out to make a quick buck’).

Anyway, got some Loerie finalists and was wondering how I can tell everyone I know about my Loerie finalists without coming across as complete fucking tard. Though call. Basically these are my options:

1. tell my boyfriend / best friend via private msg and hope they post a ‘CONGRATZ ON UR LOERIE FINALISTS’ post on my fbook wall / twitter / blog

2. pretend to be disappointed and tweet ‘only got 20 Loerie finalists am soooo bummed was aiming for 35 FML want 2 die’ and  wait for the ‘wow that’s amazing what’s wrong with you, you over-achiever’ comments to fly

3. update my facebook status to read: “Alex hopes her Loerie finalists convert but is ultimately happy because she has done some really good, solid advertising this year, which is what it is all about, ultimately. Thank you Jesus.”

4. Congratulate everyone I know on their finalists on Twitter in the hope that they will say ‘Did you get any finalists’ to which I can reply ‘Oh, not many, just 20. But whatever, holding thumbs you win!’

5. Loudly say stuff like ‘fuck awards, what a joke, how can you measure something that doesn’t matter, sales are all that count, we exist to sell PRODUCT’, in the hopes that someone will say ‘Did you get any Loerie finalists?’ at which I can say, ‘You shouldn’t care, me getting 20 finalists means fucking NOTHING, awards mean NOTHING, fuck this, BST* was right all along.’ (I should also pretend to be drunk and embittered with the world to pull this off effectively and really drive home how much of a fuck I don’t give)

6. Tell my mom and wait for her to tell everyone via making ‘mom-comments’ on my lame fbook profile pic

7. Act like a ‘happy advertising ingenue’ and pretend to be genuinely excited about getting Loerie finalists, clap my hands and dance around the studio and tweet about it

8. Post a lot of crap on my blog about ‘Loerie gimmicks’

9. Forward this post to ppl I know in the hopes that they ask me if I got any finalists (by ‘me’ here I mean ‘you’)

10. Attempt suicide in the agency bar and leave a note with the number of finalists on it

11. Sleep with the same number of colleagues as Loerie finalists I have and make cryptic referrals to ‘my magic number’

12. Not tell people. Be a big girl. ‘Finalists aren’t Loeries’, after all.

Will have to weigh up my options. Will maybe make my way through them in order of me thinking of them. Methodical and thorough. How did y’all tell people about how many Loerie finalists you got without coming across like a complete fucking tard?

*BST = Brian Searle Tripp, local advertising popstar

what does this photo say about me?

Photo thanks to @5starRich (click)

a) I am ‘wild at heart’, even though I scorn drinkers

b) I love Cheetahs

c) I have a vicious personal brand (via my mom’s old hip-hop dancing costume)

d) I am both fierce and vulnerable (by way of cheetah face and bunny ears and deer-in-deadlight face)

e) I am affiliated with Green organisations such as WWF and therefore a conscious individual

f) I Am Awesome ( would only be authentic if it had a we-are-awesome watermark on it tho)

g) I don’t fuck around when I tweet that I’m wearing a top with a giant cheetah’s face on it to my birthday dinner

h) Even though I work in advertising I am still connected to nature via inferrence

i) Infurrance is a more appropriate word

j) Fur is in again

k) Obama’s campaign will win the Grand Prix at this year’s Loeries so don’t even bother getting your hopes up

l) I am listening for the banana phone

m) everyone needs a bosom for a pillow

n) mine’s on the 45

voting special: celebrity endorsement of the year

Love is free, yall.

Love is free, y'all.

you gotta give it to Nando’s. they took on the nation’s most notorious stand-up comedian, Julius Malema, and he, very predictably, just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. in his threats and tyrades he’s come up with some of the raddest viral material. it’s the kind of stuff you just can’t write. it’s amazing. check this out:

“If Nando’s does not withdraw the adverts, the ANCYL will mobilise the people of South Africa to take militant action against Nando’s and anything associated with Nando’s.” – the ANC League of Extraordinary Youthgentlemen

it’s just too good. this is the kind of name drop most brands can only DREAM about getting in their wildest brandy dreams. and it gets better. they even use the word ‘instruct‘ – totally awesome:

“While awaiting the legal advice, the ANCYL instructs the Nando’s company and those who did the advertisement to promptly withdraw the advert from all television screens and radio channels.” – ANC League Of Extraordinary Youths.

this – my friends – is groundbreaking advertising. this campaign deserves the Grand Black Clio Lion Loerie Eagle Prix best use of PR / social media / digital / tv / integrated / craft / viral / radness / tactical / extreme LOL category.

Nandos 4 EVA.

Nando's 4 EVA.

I hope the agency is getting their Loerie Stage Gimmick together. Would suck to win this big and be unprepared to do something zany and memorable on stage. Now’s your chance to introduce your personal creative brands to the industry – don’t be shy now.


The Client Special – Episode 1: How to approve a great idea.

It must be tough being a client because if you’re with a cool agency, you’re likely to be bombarded with great ideas. i’m talking snowstorm here – ‘great ideas to the left of me, brilliant ideas to the right, here i am, stuck in the middle with you.’

“if i were a client /even just 4 a day / i’d roll out of bed in the morning / and put on what i wanted and go” – Beyonce “Just-Another-Art-Director-Who-Wishes-She-Was-A-Popstar” Knowles


so after lots of thought, i have been collecting methods to make approval of ideas easier for clients. most of these methods have been tried and tested, although some of them are based purely on assumption and some are complete bullshit that I have fabricated to help me ‘deal with reality’. I will  be releasing “The Client Special – How To Approve A Great Idea’ on a weekly basis, almost like a ‘Magazine Show Blog Post’ aimed at creatives who aspire to eventually cross into Mordor and ultimately end up as brand managers.

It’s also for clients who need guidance when it comes to choosing from a whole lot of great ideas, with maybe some crap ideas mixed in there.

Pls note I cannot be held responsible for any bad advertising, tho will gladly take credit when you win at OneGoldShowPencilEagleLoerie Awards.

******************************GET READY YO**********************************************

Ad Approval Method #1: What does your cat think?


We all know that asking your kid / husband / wife / gran what they think of a campaign idea is a no-no, because of the dreaded ‘Sample of 1’ rule. But asking your cat is totally different. Cats are more intuitive. They are very picky, unlike your husband. The best way to ask your cat’s advice is to lay all the printouts from the agency all over the floor, and leave the room for a bit. Come back in 15 minutes and see which one the cat has decided to sleep on. That’s the idea that’s going to turn your business around.

(One of those solutions that seems so obvious in retrospect, right?)


The SABlog Awards. Don’t vote for me.

Hey y’ulle. Been thinking and have decided am not going to nomin8 myself in the SA Blog Eagle Lion Pencil Prix Awards this year. Just feel like before we know it, we’ll all be blogging for awards and writing ‘scam posts’ just so we can get little buttons for the side of the page. Feel like I want to stay true to what my blog is really about: posting pix of myself where I look really hot, then writing about how ugly I feel, so lots of ppl email me and tell me that I’m rly hot. Kidding. Feel like I want to stay true to living my brand and searching for my consumer promise. Not really sure winning awards etc etc will do much for my positioning as ‘the blog for the marketing savvy marketer’ / ‘The number 1 creative BLOG in South Africa’. Feel like I’ll be feeding myself my own words on a hat to cut off my foot and shoot myself in the face.

“The truth isn’t the truth until people believe you / and they can’t believe you if they don’t know what you’re saying / and they can’t know what you’re saying if they don’t listen to you / and they won’t listen to you if you’re not interesting / and you won’t be interesting unless you say things imaginatively / originally / freshly.” – Bill Bernbach, the Dis Be Advertising Album, 1965

The Dis B Advertising Album Artwork, 1965 (re-release 1985)

The 'Dis B Advertising' Album Artwork, 1965 (re-release 1985)

Not rly going for this ‘winner!’ vibe or this ‘top blogger in the world of cape town / twitter’ vibe. Feel like making this whole thing competitive takes the fun out of it. So just wanted to tell y’ulle NOT to vote for me here. If you don’t vote for me here, then y’ulle will all be the winners. Together, we will be simply sharing our experiences in advertising to ultimately deliver a better product.

My Homie: Bill BB

My Homie: Bill BB

“Our job is to sell our clients’ merchandise… not ourselves / Our job is to kill the cleverness that makes us shine instead of the product / Our job is to simplify / to tear away the unrelated / to pluck out the weeds that are smothering the product message.” Bill Bernbach, the Pop Yo Logo On Dis Bitch album, 1973

Am having a good feeling about this. Feeling focused, like I know who I am again. Still need a Loeries gimmick though. Should I dress up like Bill Bernbach? Will Bill Bernbach be recognisable as a costume when they interview me on Top Billing about my Grand Loerie Eagle Pencil Prix Award? Will pics of me dressed like Bill Bernbach get me more hits on my blog?

Love ya Bill.

Love ya Bill.

Being a copywriter is something complex y’ulle. Sometimes wish I’d studied Business Science and worked at Goldman Sachs with my ugly English boyfriend/bloke in London, getting wasted in pubs, ‘singing the song thinking this is the life”.