Category Archives: twitter

The pizza budget’s been cut

Check out this spoofy short film that demonstrates that Yahoo! understands ‘why cre8ives in advertising get jaded & go live on farms in the country’. It’s “funny because it’s true”. Originally seen on Chris Rawlinson’s fabulous site.

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The study that changed my life: a profbro’s story

I am a professor bro. Have studied lots. I have a doctorate, but it never really ‘opened the doors’ I’d always hoped it would. Had dreams of winning a Nobel Prize. Didn’t happen. So bummed. Drank myself in2 a stupour over it the other day at some bar. Met some chick with a short skirt. Said she worked in PR. Said she could ‘make it happen 4 me’. Didn’t rly believe her. She was ‘too pretty 2 be smart’, & the kind of woman ‘I’d never get’. Just wanted 2 die.

Then she called me back the next day. Said she had this ‘gr8 idea 4 a study’. She said ‘Let’s do something big, something with high talkability & buzz factor. Let’s do a study bout how “Cape Town is racist“. That’ll get ‘em  all frothy & will give you industry credibility & media exposure.’ Crazy bint.

Didn’t rly take her srsly coz she’s not an alumni. Don’t take non-academics srsly. Bet she can’t even spell ‘schisms’. Drank some more and passed out in my own puke. Woke up with my face squashed on a Lever Arch File and her card in my hand. Smoked a cigarette. Called her. Gave the ‘study’ a go-ahead, even though she said she’d just get some friends over for drinks and ‘get some sound bytes’ and leave out anything that didn’t sound racist. Drank more until I passed out in my puke again. Hate my life. Just wanted ppl 2 respect me. Thinking of studying further.

Next day woke up with one of my young female coloured students, all naked and passed out next to me in my own puke. Felt a bit better, like ‘my suffering had purpose’ and ‘I was bridging the prejudice divide’ (via fucking & a blackout). Finally felt like I’d made up 4 ‘being born in cape town’. Thought of writing a book about it & calling it ‘Disgrace’ but realised it had already being done (hate u JM).

The phone rang. It was the PR chick. She said the ‘study’ made front page news. Said it was ‘creating a lot of buzz’ and ‘perpendicular trajectory word-of-mouth spinoff’ and that my ‘exposure was high’ and that I would now be a ‘respected profbro’. So relieved. She said my name comes up first if u google ‘cape town racist’. She said ‘the twitter is buzzing with hatespeech about capetonians’. She said ‘now you’re famous!’ Sooooo awesome y’all. Gonna do another ‘controversial study’ soon. Is rly helping my application 4 a study grant that will pay for more booze (ran out last night, pretty bummed). Gonna aim for a Nobel in 2010. Wish me luck.


The adventure never ends (via following me on Twitter)

Hey y’ulz. Been getting a lot of mails of complaint recently. Not the usual ones about how stupid and offensive I am (love y’all), but mails about how I’m not being stupid or offensive enough. This is because in order to be stupid and offensive I needs to go on wild adventures and ‘let the experience be lost on me’ so that I can become more stupid / offensive / sheltered / arrogant (via and limited to my blog – sorry, this offer is not extended to ‘real life’). So while I am still an advertising blog that ‘leads a branded life’, you can also follow me on Twitter, where I will pour my tidbitty morsels of opinions into your faces ALL DAY. Sometimes with PICTURES. Can you think of anything more AWESOME as to almost be stupidly offensive? Didn’t think so. Click here to request 2 follow me on twitter (have 2 approve you due to dodge ex boyfriends from 10 yrs ago who don’t ‘get the fucking hint’ about what i mean when i say ‘GTF out of my life’ and keep stalking me via twitter, please excuse it). In the meantime, please peruse these pics of my recent adventures to get ‘your branded fill’. XOXO

Went 2 Pinetown recently. Was a trip down memory lane (i grew up in a storm drain in the industrial area. Dont be fooled by the rocks that i got yulz, am still Alex from the block)

Went 2 Pinetown recently. Was a 'trip down memory lane' (i grew up in a storm drain in the industrial area. Don't be 'fooled by the rocks that i got' y'ulz, am still Alex from the block)

Ate sushi at this lil gem on Buitenkant. Eating dinner alone is my new thing. Yulz should try it, you dont have to fuss with all that talking and socialising.

Ate sushi at this l'il gem on Buitenkant. 'Eating dinner alone' is my new thing. Y'ulz should try it, you don't have to fuss with all that 'talking' and 'socialising'.

Been hanging out with friends (via accepting invitations to social events. Is very new to me. Dont have an opinion on it yet but apparently I am doing well so far)

Been 'hanging out with friends' (via accepting invitations to social events. Is very new to me. Don't have an opinion on it yet but apparently I am 'doing well so far')

My shoes on Durban tarmac. Makes me feel like Im home.

My shoes on Durban tarmac. Makes me feel like I'm home.

Got my hands dirty at the Steri Tee Party (via wearing a mask and doing the dragon during a t-shirt launch) on Kloof Street.

Got my hands dirty at the Steri Tee Party (via wearing a mask and 'doing the dragon' during a t-shirt launch) on Kloof Street.

Ryan getting his groove on at Tee launch.

Ryan getting his groove on at Tee launch.

Had some good times at Home Affairs reapplying for my passport that got stolen. Was awesome. Had to stand in queues, only to get to front to be told I had to go back to police station to get case number and pay double. Love Home Affairs.

Had some good times at Home Affairs reapplying for my passport that got stolen. Was awesome. Had to stand in queues, only to get to front to be told I had to go back to police station to get case number and pay double. Love Home Affairs.

What Home Affairs does to ones ankles.

What Home Affairs does to one's ankles (makes you cross them like Dandy Bro)

Made a new friend (via Sweden). Welcome to SA, Therese.

Made a new friend (via Sweden). Welcome to SA, Therese.

Had dinner cooked for me by 2 men (one of whom being the legendary Chris Rawlinson, who makes a mean lamb roast in addition to being a well connected and awesome blogger)

Had dinner cooked for me by 2 men (one of whom being the legendary Chris Rawlinson, who makes a mean lamb roast in addition to being a 'well connected and awesome blogger')

So many adventures. Why wouldn’t you follow me on twitter?

Psychographic Profile: I have an invite to Googlewave

I have an invite to Googlewave
I don’t know anyone else who has one
Which makes me feel awesome
But at the same time lonely
Since Googlewave is useless without other ppl to wave to
No matter, gonna gloat about it on the twitter
Gonna sync my twitter to my fbook status
So everyone knows how ahead and technologically “on it” I am
I HAVE AN INVITE TO GOOGLE WAVE

Yeah! Googlewave! Yeah!

Yeah! Googlewave! Yeah!

Gonna excuse myself from this meeting
And lock myself in the stall at the end in the bathrooms of my office
And do a dance out of excitement at my GOOGLEWAVE invite (maybe touch my peen)
Jiggy jiggy, jiggy jiggy
You like that huh? Jiggy Jiggy
Applebottom googlewaveboots with the googlewave…”
Gonna go back to the meeting room
Just drop this l’il bomb
“Oh, shoot, looks like I just got a Googlewave invite,”
And jizz on my face at the blank expressions on the faces of my colleagues
(they’ll never understand me or my ideas. I’m a visionary, they are laggards.)

Yeah! Googlewave! Fuck me!

Yeah! Googlewave! Fuck me!

I have an invite to Googlewave
Gonna watch lots of videos on ‘how Googlewave works’
Gonna tweet them out, with commentary
(“I find the function that allows you to collapse or expand inline comments really useful” – cue sound of my sperm hitting you in the forehead)
Gonna get all frenzied up when ppl tweet about ‘how dumb it is to get excited about Googlewave since you need other ppl 2 B on it’
Gonna defend it ‘to the death’ from the fucking tards who don’t “get it”
“You’ll see – Googlewave is gonna change EVERYTHING!”
I HAVE AN INVITE TO GOOGLEWAVE
Googlewave 4 eva!!!!!!1!

Fuckyfuckyyyyeeeeeaaaahhhhgooooglewave!

Fuckyfuckyyyyeeeeeaaaahhhhgooooglewave!

I have an invite to Googlewave
I used to be married but that was lame (couldn’t collapse the inline fighting over remote control)
My wife divorced me because I had to wake up at 3am to ‘wave’ to ppl in America (is what U get when U marry a laggard)
Totally don’t regret it – Googlewave is gonna “change the way we do business”, you’ll see
Just let me know if you want 2 know how it works (via a link to googlewave.com/help)
So I can point out how STUPID your LIFE is compared to Googlewave’s GENIUS
If you don’t have Googlewave you might as well tattoo STUPID PERSON WHO IS BEHIND AND STUPID on your forehead
Unless you want me 2 invite u. I can hook u up.
U want an invite? Coz I can hook u up. I can change your life. You just have to say yes. I’ll hook U up.
Googlewave is LOVE. Anything else is FEAR.
Love or Fear?
LOVE OR FEAR?
WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE?
I HAVE AN INVITE TO GOOGLEWAVE
I’M SO FUCKINGARGHKJFGJHERGFKJHDFBVKJHDFBVJDHSFBV,JSDHFBVGOOGLEWAVE!!!!


I'm gonna fuck my face yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Fuck! Googlewave!

What am I down with?

Hey y’ulz. What l’il symbol shall I stick on my twavatar so ppl know what I’m down with?

As y’al know, I have a very carefully sculpted personal brand. Some might even call it a ‘work of art’. I have a dream, it looks like this:


Anyways been noticing that some of y’ulle have small l’il symbols on ur twitter avatars, & since I don’t have one I’ve been feeling like a ‘tard who missed the adoption curve bus and now has to lie in this bed of mud that I’m stuck in because I made it’. y’all ever feel like that? Kind of felt like that when everyone was hamming around in shutter shades and my sunglasses were all lame and ‘complete’. Never want that to happen again.

Hate having to overcompensate.

Hate having to overcompensate.

Decided to check out my options:

1. Can put a green filter on my avatar to show that I am ‘socially conscious & aware’ of the bad things happening ‘in the east’ and if you’re a political bro who knows that ‘liberal’ doesn’t actually mean ‘drinking a lot and having sex with ur friends’ then I am ‘down to fuck’ with you.

2. Can put a pink ribbon on my avatar to ‘show my support for breast cancer research’, probably because someone ‘close to me’ has died or suffered from the ‘scourge of the millennium’. Wouldn’t mind this but worried it will reveal that I don’t get that ‘cancer is what happens when u repress ur emotions’ & that enlightened ppl will mutter ‘go work in a soup kitchen’ under their breaths like that poster about how design is cancer.

Wish design didnt cause cancer yall.

Wish design didn't cause cancer y'all.

3. Can put a Silicone Cape twavatar but this will make me look like a ‘tard who didn’t read the part in Outliers about how pioneers don’t move in flocks’, but not rly sure anyone actually ‘read’ all of Outliers because it was a pile of crap.

Unique. Just like everybody else.

Unique. Just like everybody else.

This is not going to be an easy decision. Can someone make me a penis symbol? Might as well tell people that ‘I like the cock’, if nothing else. Feel like I should probably address basics before I get onto lofty things like politics, disease and religion. Forward me any suggestions. Peace y’ulz.

Should I make a giant inflatable blog?

As y’all know, I’m rebranding. Today I’m asking myself whether I should be exploiting some sort of gimmick to ‘attract readers driving past’. I got this idea when somebody tweeted about a ‘brilliant piece of MacDonald’s advertising’, which was just a streetpole that had been dressed to look like a giant McD’s coffee pot pouring coffee into a giant McD’s coffee cup. Should I get a giant inflatable version of my blog and tie it to the roof of Wembley Square?

Click here for fun.

Click here for fun.

Maybe an over-sized vagina? (just to prove to y’all I’m not a man)

notahermie.blogspot.com

notahermie.blogspot.com

Employing this kind of gimmick ‘flies in the face of convention you fools!’. It says that even though I have been educated about what is and isn’t good advertising, I’m still going to go with the gimmick because ‘it attracts attention’ and will ‘drive footfall through my blog store’ and ‘has talkability’ and ‘will generate an instant reaction’. Guess I will just have to binge on fast food to ‘make myself forget’ that I have sacrificed the integrity of my blog brand for a moment’s attention. No matter – y’all are reading this, right?

Load of crap. Really big one.

Load of crap. Really big one.

I guess the twitter equivalent of getting a giant inflatable blog and tying it to Wembley Square would be tweeting something like ‘Look at my newly waxed vagina’ and then posting a link to this post. Might just do that to ‘prove my point’, even though my readers will be annoyed at being misled for such an averagely interesting post on ‘ethics and integrity in advertising’ on my journey towards a total rebrand. Sorry y’all. Just wanted 2 be loved. Just wanted you to ‘boost my pageviews’ which is the blog equivalent to ‘driving volume’ in the  FMCG world that is online consumer-created content (ie. blogs).  Feeling a bit confused. Maybe I need to ‘hire a consultant’ to guide me in this rebranding process and bleed me dry while telling me stuff I already know. Is there anyone y’all can recommend?


Has my blog reached its ‘tipping point’?

Hey y’alz. Read this new age book with crazy ideas in it the other day called The Tipping Paint. Bought it coz I thought I’d learn how to ‘apply PVA properly’ but turns out there’s a typo on the cover and its actually about how trends & shiz hit the mainstream.

Reading it made me think about my blog. I thought some sad thoughts. When I first started this blog I was inspired to ‘sing for the king and queen in the coat I borrowed 4rm James Dean’, but now I’m kind of over it. Now that it’s popular and ppl actually like it I kind of don’t know what the point is anymore?

Wish theyd covered this in LifeSkills class. Can someone tell LifeSkills to get on twitter?

Wish they'd covered this in LifeSkills class. Can someone tell LifeSkills to 'get on twitter'?

Why am I writing here?
Why do my blog posts exist?
What product am I selling?
Am I about to become a Prawn?

Is my prawn claw weighing me down? Should I embrace my new species?

Is my 'prawn claw' weighing me down? Should I embrace my new species?

Have y’all heard of cannibalism in brands? Kind of worried my blog is cannibalizing my personal brand. It used to be kind of ironic because I was a ‘consummate professional who blogged like a tard’, now I am a ‘tard who is a consummate professional at blogging like a tard’ who is hated by client service. Basically it means I have no friends left, and want 2 die.

Nom Nom Nom.

Nom Nom Nom.

Have any of y’all faced this?
Is there a blogging crisis helpline I can call?
Is there a point?

Keep on trucking?

Keep on trucking?

Really want 2 turn my life around and become a ‘beacon of hope’ for young advertising bloggers who look up to me instead of being a ‘sarkie l’il brat who actually just needs to Shut The Fuck Up’. What do y’ulz think? Should I donate this personal brand to a charitable organisation and buy a new one?