Category Archives: twitter

The pizza budget’s been cut

Check out this spoofy short film that demonstrates that Yahoo! understands ‘why cre8ives in advertising get jaded & go live on farms in the country’. It’s “funny because it’s true”. Originally seen on Chris Rawlinson’s fabulous site.

The study that changed my life: a profbro’s story

I am a professor bro. Have studied lots. I have a doctorate, but it never really ‘opened the doors’ I’d always hoped it would. Had dreams of winning a Nobel Prize. Didn’t happen. So bummed. Drank myself in2 a stupour over it the other day at some bar. Met some chick with a short skirt. Said she worked in PR. Said she could ‘make it happen 4 me’. Didn’t rly believe her. She was ‘too pretty 2 be smart’, & the kind of woman ‘I’d never get’. Just wanted 2 die.

Then she called me back the next day. Said she had this ‘gr8 idea 4 a study’. She said ‘Let’s do something big, something with high talkability & buzz factor. Let’s do a study bout how “Cape Town is racist“. That’ll get ‘em  all frothy & will give you industry credibility & media exposure.’ Crazy bint.

Didn’t rly take her srsly coz she’s not an alumni. Don’t take non-academics srsly. Bet she can’t even spell ‘schisms’. Drank some more and passed out in my own puke. Woke up with my face squashed on a Lever Arch File and her card in my hand. Smoked a cigarette. Called her. Gave the ‘study’ a go-ahead, even though she said she’d just get some friends over for drinks and ‘get some sound bytes’ and leave out anything that didn’t sound racist. Drank more until I passed out in my puke again. Hate my life. Just wanted ppl 2 respect me. Thinking of studying further.

Next day woke up with one of my young female coloured students, all naked and passed out next to me in my own puke. Felt a bit better, like ‘my suffering had purpose’ and ‘I was bridging the prejudice divide’ (via fucking & a blackout). Finally felt like I’d made up 4 ‘being born in cape town’. Thought of writing a book about it & calling it ‘Disgrace’ but realised it had already being done (hate u JM).

The phone rang. It was the PR chick. She said the ‘study’ made front page news. Said it was ‘creating a lot of buzz’ and ‘perpendicular trajectory word-of-mouth spinoff’ and that my ‘exposure was high’ and that I would now be a ‘respected profbro’. So relieved. She said my name comes up first if u google ‘cape town racist’. She said ‘the twitter is buzzing with hatespeech about capetonians’. She said ‘now you’re famous!’ Sooooo awesome y’all. Gonna do another ‘controversial study’ soon. Is rly helping my application 4 a study grant that will pay for more booze (ran out last night, pretty bummed). Gonna aim for a Nobel in 2010. Wish me luck.


The adventure never ends (via following me on Twitter)

Hey y’ulz. Been getting a lot of mails of complaint recently. Not the usual ones about how stupid and offensive I am (love y’all), but mails about how I’m not being stupid or offensive enough. This is because in order to be stupid and offensive I needs to go on wild adventures and ‘let the experience be lost on me’ so that I can become more stupid / offensive / sheltered / arrogant (via and limited to my blog – sorry, this offer is not extended to ‘real life’). So while I am still an advertising blog that ‘leads a branded life’, you can also follow me on Twitter, where I will pour my tidbitty morsels of opinions into your faces ALL DAY. Sometimes with PICTURES. Can you think of anything more AWESOME as to almost be stupidly offensive? Didn’t think so. Click here to request 2 follow me on twitter (have 2 approve you due to dodge ex boyfriends from 10 yrs ago who don’t ‘get the fucking hint’ about what i mean when i say ‘GTF out of my life’ and keep stalking me via twitter, please excuse it). In the meantime, please peruse these pics of my recent adventures to get ‘your branded fill’. XOXO

Went 2 Pinetown recently. Was a trip down memory lane (i grew up in a storm drain in the industrial area. Dont be fooled by the rocks that i got yulz, am still Alex from the block)

Went 2 Pinetown recently. Was a 'trip down memory lane' (i grew up in a storm drain in the industrial area. Don't be 'fooled by the rocks that i got' y'ulz, am still Alex from the block)

Ate sushi at this lil gem on Buitenkant. Eating dinner alone is my new thing. Yulz should try it, you dont have to fuss with all that talking and socialising.

Ate sushi at this l'il gem on Buitenkant. 'Eating dinner alone' is my new thing. Y'ulz should try it, you don't have to fuss with all that 'talking' and 'socialising'.

Been hanging out with friends (via accepting invitations to social events. Is very new to me. Dont have an opinion on it yet but apparently I am doing well so far)

Been 'hanging out with friends' (via accepting invitations to social events. Is very new to me. Don't have an opinion on it yet but apparently I am 'doing well so far')

My shoes on Durban tarmac. Makes me feel like Im home.

My shoes on Durban tarmac. Makes me feel like I'm home.

Got my hands dirty at the Steri Tee Party (via wearing a mask and doing the dragon during a t-shirt launch) on Kloof Street.

Got my hands dirty at the Steri Tee Party (via wearing a mask and 'doing the dragon' during a t-shirt launch) on Kloof Street.

Ryan getting his groove on at Tee launch.

Ryan getting his groove on at Tee launch.

Had some good times at Home Affairs reapplying for my passport that got stolen. Was awesome. Had to stand in queues, only to get to front to be told I had to go back to police station to get case number and pay double. Love Home Affairs.

Had some good times at Home Affairs reapplying for my passport that got stolen. Was awesome. Had to stand in queues, only to get to front to be told I had to go back to police station to get case number and pay double. Love Home Affairs.

What Home Affairs does to ones ankles.

What Home Affairs does to one's ankles (makes you cross them like Dandy Bro)

Made a new friend (via Sweden). Welcome to SA, Therese.

Made a new friend (via Sweden). Welcome to SA, Therese.

Had dinner cooked for me by 2 men (one of whom being the legendary Chris Rawlinson, who makes a mean lamb roast in addition to being a well connected and awesome blogger)

Had dinner cooked for me by 2 men (one of whom being the legendary Chris Rawlinson, who makes a mean lamb roast in addition to being a 'well connected and awesome blogger')

So many adventures. Why wouldn’t you follow me on twitter?

Psychographic Profile: I have an invite to Googlewave

I have an invite to Googlewave
I don’t know anyone else who has one
Which makes me feel awesome
But at the same time lonely
Since Googlewave is useless without other ppl to wave to
No matter, gonna gloat about it on the twitter
Gonna sync my twitter to my fbook status
So everyone knows how ahead and technologically “on it” I am
I HAVE AN INVITE TO GOOGLE WAVE

Yeah! Googlewave! Yeah!

Yeah! Googlewave! Yeah!

Gonna excuse myself from this meeting
And lock myself in the stall at the end in the bathrooms of my office
And do a dance out of excitement at my GOOGLEWAVE invite (maybe touch my peen)
Jiggy jiggy, jiggy jiggy
You like that huh? Jiggy Jiggy
Applebottom googlewaveboots with the googlewave…”
Gonna go back to the meeting room
Just drop this l’il bomb
“Oh, shoot, looks like I just got a Googlewave invite,”
And jizz on my face at the blank expressions on the faces of my colleagues
(they’ll never understand me or my ideas. I’m a visionary, they are laggards.)

Yeah! Googlewave! Fuck me!

Yeah! Googlewave! Fuck me!

I have an invite to Googlewave
Gonna watch lots of videos on ‘how Googlewave works’
Gonna tweet them out, with commentary
(“I find the function that allows you to collapse or expand inline comments really useful” – cue sound of my sperm hitting you in the forehead)
Gonna get all frenzied up when ppl tweet about ‘how dumb it is to get excited about Googlewave since you need other ppl 2 B on it’
Gonna defend it ‘to the death’ from the fucking tards who don’t “get it”
“You’ll see – Googlewave is gonna change EVERYTHING!”
I HAVE AN INVITE TO GOOGLEWAVE
Googlewave 4 eva!!!!!!1!

Fuckyfuckyyyyeeeeeaaaahhhhgooooglewave!

Fuckyfuckyyyyeeeeeaaaahhhhgooooglewave!

I have an invite to Googlewave
I used to be married but that was lame (couldn’t collapse the inline fighting over remote control)
My wife divorced me because I had to wake up at 3am to ‘wave’ to ppl in America (is what U get when U marry a laggard)
Totally don’t regret it – Googlewave is gonna “change the way we do business”, you’ll see
Just let me know if you want 2 know how it works (via a link to googlewave.com/help)
So I can point out how STUPID your LIFE is compared to Googlewave’s GENIUS
If you don’t have Googlewave you might as well tattoo STUPID PERSON WHO IS BEHIND AND STUPID on your forehead
Unless you want me 2 invite u. I can hook u up.
U want an invite? Coz I can hook u up. I can change your life. You just have to say yes. I’ll hook U up.
Googlewave is LOVE. Anything else is FEAR.
Love or Fear?
LOVE OR FEAR?
WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE?
I HAVE AN INVITE TO GOOGLEWAVE
I’M SO FUCKINGARGHKJFGJHERGFKJHDFBVKJHDFBVJDHSFBV,JSDHFBVGOOGLEWAVE!!!!


I'm gonna fuck my face yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Fuck! Googlewave!

What am I down with?

Hey y’ulz. What l’il symbol shall I stick on my twavatar so ppl know what I’m down with?

As y’al know, I have a very carefully sculpted personal brand. Some might even call it a ‘work of art’. I have a dream, it looks like this:


Anyways been noticing that some of y’ulle have small l’il symbols on ur twitter avatars, & since I don’t have one I’ve been feeling like a ‘tard who missed the adoption curve bus and now has to lie in this bed of mud that I’m stuck in because I made it’. y’all ever feel like that? Kind of felt like that when everyone was hamming around in shutter shades and my sunglasses were all lame and ‘complete’. Never want that to happen again.

Hate having to overcompensate.

Hate having to overcompensate.

Decided to check out my options:

1. Can put a green filter on my avatar to show that I am ‘socially conscious & aware’ of the bad things happening ‘in the east’ and if you’re a political bro who knows that ‘liberal’ doesn’t actually mean ‘drinking a lot and having sex with ur friends’ then I am ‘down to fuck’ with you.

2. Can put a pink ribbon on my avatar to ‘show my support for breast cancer research’, probably because someone ‘close to me’ has died or suffered from the ‘scourge of the millennium’. Wouldn’t mind this but worried it will reveal that I don’t get that ‘cancer is what happens when u repress ur emotions’ & that enlightened ppl will mutter ‘go work in a soup kitchen’ under their breaths like that poster about how design is cancer.

Wish design didnt cause cancer yall.

Wish design didn't cause cancer y'all.

3. Can put a Silicone Cape twavatar but this will make me look like a ‘tard who didn’t read the part in Outliers about how pioneers don’t move in flocks’, but not rly sure anyone actually ‘read’ all of Outliers because it was a pile of crap.

Unique. Just like everybody else.

Unique. Just like everybody else.

This is not going to be an easy decision. Can someone make me a penis symbol? Might as well tell people that ‘I like the cock’, if nothing else. Feel like I should probably address basics before I get onto lofty things like politics, disease and religion. Forward me any suggestions. Peace y’ulz.

Should I make a giant inflatable blog?

As y’all know, I’m rebranding. Today I’m asking myself whether I should be exploiting some sort of gimmick to ‘attract readers driving past’. I got this idea when somebody tweeted about a ‘brilliant piece of MacDonald’s advertising’, which was just a streetpole that had been dressed to look like a giant McD’s coffee pot pouring coffee into a giant McD’s coffee cup. Should I get a giant inflatable version of my blog and tie it to the roof of Wembley Square?

Click here for fun.

Click here for fun.

Maybe an over-sized vagina? (just to prove to y’all I’m not a man)

notahermie.blogspot.com

notahermie.blogspot.com

Employing this kind of gimmick ‘flies in the face of convention you fools!’. It says that even though I have been educated about what is and isn’t good advertising, I’m still going to go with the gimmick because ‘it attracts attention’ and will ‘drive footfall through my blog store’ and ‘has talkability’ and ‘will generate an instant reaction’. Guess I will just have to binge on fast food to ‘make myself forget’ that I have sacrificed the integrity of my blog brand for a moment’s attention. No matter – y’all are reading this, right?

Load of crap. Really big one.

Load of crap. Really big one.

I guess the twitter equivalent of getting a giant inflatable blog and tying it to Wembley Square would be tweeting something like ‘Look at my newly waxed vagina’ and then posting a link to this post. Might just do that to ‘prove my point’, even though my readers will be annoyed at being misled for such an averagely interesting post on ‘ethics and integrity in advertising’ on my journey towards a total rebrand. Sorry y’all. Just wanted 2 be loved. Just wanted you to ‘boost my pageviews’ which is the blog equivalent to ‘driving volume’ in the  FMCG world that is online consumer-created content (ie. blogs).  Feeling a bit confused. Maybe I need to ‘hire a consultant’ to guide me in this rebranding process and bleed me dry while telling me stuff I already know. Is there anyone y’all can recommend?


Has my blog reached its ‘tipping point’?

Hey y’alz. Read this new age book with crazy ideas in it the other day called The Tipping Paint. Bought it coz I thought I’d learn how to ‘apply PVA properly’ but turns out there’s a typo on the cover and its actually about how trends & shiz hit the mainstream.

Reading it made me think about my blog. I thought some sad thoughts. When I first started this blog I was inspired to ‘sing for the king and queen in the coat I borrowed 4rm James Dean’, but now I’m kind of over it. Now that it’s popular and ppl actually like it I kind of don’t know what the point is anymore?

Wish theyd covered this in LifeSkills class. Can someone tell LifeSkills to get on twitter?

Wish they'd covered this in LifeSkills class. Can someone tell LifeSkills to 'get on twitter'?

Why am I writing here?
Why do my blog posts exist?
What product am I selling?
Am I about to become a Prawn?

Is my prawn claw weighing me down? Should I embrace my new species?

Is my 'prawn claw' weighing me down? Should I embrace my new species?

Have y’all heard of cannibalism in brands? Kind of worried my blog is cannibalizing my personal brand. It used to be kind of ironic because I was a ‘consummate professional who blogged like a tard’, now I am a ‘tard who is a consummate professional at blogging like a tard’ who is hated by client service. Basically it means I have no friends left, and want 2 die.

Nom Nom Nom.

Nom Nom Nom.

Have any of y’all faced this?
Is there a blogging crisis helpline I can call?
Is there a point?

Keep on trucking?

Keep on trucking?

Really want 2 turn my life around and become a ‘beacon of hope’ for young advertising bloggers who look up to me instead of being a ‘sarkie l’il brat who actually just needs to Shut The Fuck Up’. What do y’ulz think? Should I donate this personal brand to a charitable organisation and buy a new one?

my Big Day Out

Hey y’ulz. Had a serious reality check this am. Just kind of realised that there’s more to Cape Town than Wembley Square. Seriously – this is massive progress for me. Had my morning Vida at Green Point Vida as opposed to the usual Wembley Square, which threw me for starters. A lot of mommies with Dior glasses chumming little brats in babygap with pasteis de coco. Anyway, then made my way with my mucho Meie de Leit over to the Cape Royal hotel (which is very pleasant indeed – I could probably be quite happy there were it my official residence) where I was to drop nugget bombs of web marketing wisdom for the Huddlemind Word of Mouse course (which I did quite well – even wore a dress, showed some leg). Finished my talk and then stayed to hear Seth Rotherham talk about his rise to internet stardom via 2oceansvibe, which is a great story, btw, try corner him in the bathrooms at Caprice and make him tell it to you some day. MAKE him.  All in all this was a lot of stimulation for one morning and am nowly safely back at Wembley, ‘getting on with work’. Am considering branching out and going to Camps Bay vida tomorrow am, but that might just be too much for one week.

The man, the legend.

The man, the legend.

Id be pretty happy staying in one of these swanky bathrooms.

I'd be pretty happy staying in one of these swanky bathrooms.

Psychographic Profile: I am a Client Looking To Capitalise On Social Media

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
To be honest, I don’t know WTF I’m doing.
Went to some talk,
Where there was some chick,
Talking about ‘conversations not campaigns’,
She made some good points ,
She was quite hot,
Think I’m just gonna start a facebook group and ‘see how it goes’.

Back in Advertisings Heyday. Miss u

Back in 'Advertising's Heyday'. Miss u

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media ,
I just joined this site called ‘Twitter’.
Have y’all heard of it?
Not really sure what the point is,
It’s kind of like I’m talking to myself,
“Just trying to get the hang of this Twitter thing”.
I got my first follower today,
Some chick who sells Britney Spears Sex Tapes,
Guess everyone’s trying to ‘push their brand’ on Twitter,
Everyone’s an entrepreneur on the internet.

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I’m fucking sick of these little social media brats
Who come into my office with their ‘netbooks’,
And their “keynote”,
And their mobile marketing statistics,
And get their buddies to ‘tweet at me’,
And tell me ‘agencies don’t get digital’.
You know what agencies DO get? Sales.
These little social media brats know nothing about business,
About the bottom line,
Show me my ROI you little shits,
And then I’ll assign you a PO,
You little brat.
I’ve fucking built a branded empire,
And you’ve built a blog.
I’d buy and sell your blog tomorrow,
Except all you blog about is social-fucking-media.
Fuck.

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
But I’m not into this whole ‘logging in’ thing.
Besides facebook is blocked at my office,
Because my staff spend too much time on it
When they should be focusing on their targets.
Can’t I just pay you to do it for me?
Can’t you just start a facebook group?
Can’t I pay you to write my blog? Can’t be too much work?
Or what are these new things? ‘Fan pages’.
My son says ‘fan pages’ are the new thing.
Yes, my son keeps me up to date with this ‘social media stuff’
He’s 14, so he’s very in touch with ‘what’s cool’.
He also hates my guts so our family shrink recommended we ‘bond over his love for technology’.
Can you do my facebook page?

Sure Ill run your blog.

Sure I'll run your blog.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
I’m sick of spending too much money on TV ads,
Only to be outdone by our competitor brands ,
Who spent double on their TV ad,
Sucks.
Just wanted be named the Sunday Times Markinor Marketer of the Year,
So decided 2 do a ‘viral campaign’,
Hired that Zany New Media Social Word of Marketing company,
They came up with this social media ‘touchpoint plan’,
But some chick reported us to twitter.
Said we were “spamming” her.
Guess we got a little overzealous with the DMs,
Just wanted to get to a million followers soooooo bad.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I am scared.
The race is on for a best practise model,
And I have no fucking clue how to develop one.
Should have stayed in sales,
At least I got a commission,
This is just a mission,
Gonna go get lunch and stuff myself since I gave up smoking and drinking after my 1st bypass.
So scared y’all,
So scared.

Anybody out there?

Hello?


From the Couch Episode 176

Check out this banging video of us 27 Dinner bros riding dirty in our Limo (if you’re wondering when I’m going to stop ‘going on about this’, it won’t be any time soon). Filmed by Marc and Dave, the boys at From The Couch, a very funny online talk show on all things 2.0, it’s worth checking our the rest of their site for their amiable banter and good happy Hout Bay times. I have a good story to tell about Marc. We once had a ‘twitter fight’ over whether Follow Friday sucked or not (it sucks). He #FFed me just to annoy me. I told him to do it one more time ‘at his Perel’ (his surname is Perel). Then he #FFed me again, so I twitter punched him, and then we both called for peace and that was that.

Should I take out Personality Insurance?

Hey yulle. Been a little concerned lately that I am ‘slightly offensive’ to some ppl. My mom tells me I am funny and that ‘I shouldn’t change my blog for anyone’ but I’m not sold. Am pretty sure there’s a point at which I will offend the fans who LOL at my Psychographic Profiles at some time or other, and then it will just be me, writing and eating chicken wraps, thinking of ‘the good old days when ppl liked me & gave me iPhones and clicked on my links’.

Been looking at some case studies to establish best practice in Personality Insurance strategies. Found this to be pretty true:

Based on Alex’s Celebrity Study 2009 © one can pretty much conclude that ‘parading around telling people you believe in Jesus’ will allow you to get away with being a total sluttard (totally coined a new word).

One of my heroes. And the hero of most ambitious young women out there.

Miss Montag. One of my heroes. And the hero of most ambitious young women out there.

Same study also says that ‘lording around as if you own the place, when you do own the place (and own other places)’ will allow you to get away with being a sluttard.

My runner up hero. I respect her because she came from nothing and earned everything she has herself.

My runner up hero. I respect her because she came from nothing and earned everything she has herself.

Since I don’t really own anything and am more into ‘being given stuff’ I may have to go the Jesus route. What do y’uls think? Does Jesus suit my hair colour? Is it a rad scene? Does my personal brand allow for something like a ‘religious sub-brand’? Will I be cannibalizing my own brand by taking out personality insurance? What does my brand bible say about this?


Hmm. Does anyone know if Jesus is real? Maybe they can test it on Mythbusters or something. That would be a rad episode. To conclude, I drew a graph.

Some insights for your next strategic meeting.

Some insights for your next strategic meeting.

Until Mythbusters proves Jesus is real I’m just gonna sit tight on my Personality Insurance application. Have any of y’ulle got a better deal than being Christian or rich? Should I call the hippo on TV and let it ‘find me the best quote’ for Personality Insurance? Wish it wasn’t so complicated. Feels like the Personality Insurance industry is pretty stuck in the dark ages. Someone tell them to ‘get on twitter’.

How should I tell people about my Loerie finalists?

Hey y’ulz. Been quiet because I like to build up a little anticipation. Plus I have this new job working for free as an intern running a social media campaign for some big brand (because I was cheaper than that social media guru who ppl think is ‘out to make a quick buck’).

Anyway, got some Loerie finalists and was wondering how I can tell everyone I know about my Loerie finalists without coming across as complete fucking tard. Though call. Basically these are my options:

1. tell my boyfriend / best friend via private msg and hope they post a ‘CONGRATZ ON UR LOERIE FINALISTS’ post on my fbook wall / twitter / blog

2. pretend to be disappointed and tweet ‘only got 20 Loerie finalists am soooo bummed was aiming for 35 FML want 2 die’ and  wait for the ‘wow that’s amazing what’s wrong with you, you over-achiever’ comments to fly

3. update my facebook status to read: “Alex hopes her Loerie finalists convert but is ultimately happy because she has done some really good, solid advertising this year, which is what it is all about, ultimately. Thank you Jesus.”

4. Congratulate everyone I know on their finalists on Twitter in the hope that they will say ‘Did you get any finalists’ to which I can reply ‘Oh, not many, just 20. But whatever, holding thumbs you win!’

5. Loudly say stuff like ‘fuck awards, what a joke, how can you measure something that doesn’t matter, sales are all that count, we exist to sell PRODUCT’, in the hopes that someone will say ‘Did you get any Loerie finalists?’ at which I can say, ‘You shouldn’t care, me getting 20 finalists means fucking NOTHING, awards mean NOTHING, fuck this, BST* was right all along.’ (I should also pretend to be drunk and embittered with the world to pull this off effectively and really drive home how much of a fuck I don’t give)

6. Tell my mom and wait for her to tell everyone via making ‘mom-comments’ on my lame fbook profile pic

7. Act like a ‘happy advertising ingenue’ and pretend to be genuinely excited about getting Loerie finalists, clap my hands and dance around the studio and tweet about it

8. Post a lot of crap on my blog about ‘Loerie gimmicks’

9. Forward this post to ppl I know in the hopes that they ask me if I got any finalists (by ‘me’ here I mean ‘you’)

10. Attempt suicide in the agency bar and leave a note with the number of finalists on it

11. Sleep with the same number of colleagues as Loerie finalists I have and make cryptic referrals to ‘my magic number’

12. Not tell people. Be a big girl. ‘Finalists aren’t Loeries’, after all.

Will have to weigh up my options. Will maybe make my way through them in order of me thinking of them. Methodical and thorough. How did y’all tell people about how many Loerie finalists you got without coming across like a complete fucking tard?

*BST = Brian Searle Tripp, local advertising popstar

Psychographic Profile: I am a TrendSpotter

Please excuse my purple leotard, it is because I am an early-adopter and trend-aware.

Please excuse my purple leotard, it is because I am an early-adopter and trend-aware.

I am a TrendSpotter
I am employed by that company who’s name you can’t quite remember,
That tells you things you already know,
That’s run by some old guy who has a crush on my youth,
But you nod and smile politely and what I have ‘spotted’
Because I am young and enthusiastic,
And you kind of feel sorry for me
And my misguided efforts.

Im just another trendwatcher / telling you something you already know

"I'm just another trendwatcher / telling you something you already know"

I am a TrendSpotter.
I say this with pride because in high school
I was never very ‘trendy’,
I was always kind of nerdy,
And I always got the badly-fitted, cheap version of the Latest Thing
Because my parents aren’t all that wealthy
And never aspired to much more,
Which always grated me,
Because I know I am born to be someone special.

Spending some quality time with my uniqueness. Just being there / with myself.

Spending some quality time with my uniqueness. Just being there / with myself.

I am a TrendSpotter
I scour all the cool websites the night before my deadlines,
Even though I know that everyone reads those same websites.
I take self-portraits of myself in sunglasses to make me look hot,
And I never get my whole body in, because I am overweight
(not much, but enough that it’s noticeable),
I figure when I get famous / published / a boyfriend
I will make more of an effort with what I eat
And I will be so hot
I’ll show all of you.

Am i or am i not hot? Youll never know for sure.

Am i or am i not hot? You'll never know for sure.

I am a TrendSpotter
I get worked into a frenzy over ‘new stuff’,
Even though I rarely explore the potential that the stuff has to change my life.
I’d rather move quickly onto another new thing
And get all frenzied up about that,
Because I am a trendspotter
And I cling to my title like I cling to my excuses
For drinking too much / eating too much / not getting any sex.

Hey check out this new [insert random object from coolhunting / trenwatching / neatorama / springwise / boingboing here]

I am a TrendSpotter
I tell my friends that it is ‘good experience’ for my future career in marketing,
But really it’s just a small way I can feel superior to them
For once in my life.

Like, duh.

Like, duh.

I am a TrendSpotter now
But I will eventually grow up and see
That the world of TrendSpotting is a redundant sham thanks to
googleRSStwitterfacebookcameraphonesMxitSmartPeopleInMarketing

WhoWatchTrendsBecauseTheyAreNaturallyCompetent
I will realize that the word ‘cool’ makes me sound like a naïve retard,
And I will get a real job.

All good lays come to an end, - Nelly Furtado

"All good lays come to an end," - Nelly Furtado

But right now, I am a TrendSpotter
And if anything, it’s an easy way to make money / conversation with people whose photo I take without permission / find an excuse to take photos of myself
And if anything, I already know how lame I am
But I will bury that knowledge
In my affected passion for ‘all things new’
That I will broadcast on my street fashion blog
And my twitter
And my facebook status updates.

Just updating my trend blog.

Just updating my trend blog.

I am a TrendSpotter.

buying a new phone. feeling ‘depressed’. i think.

Hey y’ulle. Feeling a little weirded out. Think I’ve lost touch with how I really feel. When I feel something, I’m not sure I’m feeling it because of something inside me, or whether I am being influenced by external factors, such as a viral online marketing campaign. Doesn’t thousands of people singing a Beatles’ song all together make you feel depressed? The following video is NOT for sensitive viewers.


I’m about to buy a new phone, but when I contemplate my future holding an iPhone / BlackBerry / HTC, I don’t feel thrilled and elated, like I should. I feel empty and meaningless, like I’m just a small part of one massive augmented reality campaign brought to you buy KingSaatchilvyCB, sponsored by ExclusiveWorthBookwords.

The cycle of life (you might remember this from elementary school biology).

The cycle of life (you might remember this from elementary school biology).

Wouldn’t really be surprised if ‘life as we know it’ is one big augmented reality campaign, brought to you by the Apple superbrand.

Guess the trick is to break out of ‘modern day emotional constraints’ by doing something meaningful, like going for a hike up the mountain, or ‘picking up the phone’ and talking to someone.  Maybe there are even more meaningful things to be done, like ‘imagining rocket-powered unicorns’ or ‘imagining water-melon boats’. I don’t really get this whole ‘imagining’ thing tho. Will maybe get my teenage brother to make a rocket-powered unicorn app for facebook for my phone, or something.

How wonderful life could be.

How wonderful life could be.

Truly spiffy.

Truly spiffy.

How am I supposed to tell whether I really feel something or not?
Should I post how I feel in my SpaceBook status so as to get sympathy from those of my friends who are drawn to a victim? Or should I conceptualise an integrated campaign on twitter that will ‘generate buzz’ about user-generated emotions?


Wish I could upload emotions and share them with my friends. Not sure my online friends ‘get’ emotions though. Guess if my emotions fell into one of the following categories it would be fine: 1) Sober or 2) Wasted.

OR

OR

OR

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BONUS ‘wasted’ 4 YOU: CONGRATS YOU ARE THE 14 BILLIONTH VIEWER OF THIS POST.  please accept this pic of 2 wasted chicks kissing. wish you were here.

Will I really not feel better if I buy a phone that is more expensive than I can afford? Think I must be ‘depressed’. Guess I have identified an ’emotional niche’ that can be exploited for capital gains. Will open up my depression as a media space for ads to buy as soon as I can get out of bed. Will use the revenue I generate to buy my new phone. Hope I will be able to appreciate my new phone now that I’ve actually had to work for something in my life.