Category Archives: viral

Psychographic Profile: I am a Client Looking To Capitalise On Social Media

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
To be honest, I don’t know WTF I’m doing.
Went to some talk,
Where there was some chick,
Talking about ‘conversations not campaigns’,
She made some good points ,
She was quite hot,
Think I’m just gonna start a facebook group and ‘see how it goes’.

Back in Advertisings Heyday. Miss u

Back in 'Advertising's Heyday'. Miss u

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media ,
I just joined this site called ‘Twitter’.
Have y’all heard of it?
Not really sure what the point is,
It’s kind of like I’m talking to myself,
“Just trying to get the hang of this Twitter thing”.
I got my first follower today,
Some chick who sells Britney Spears Sex Tapes,
Guess everyone’s trying to ‘push their brand’ on Twitter,
Everyone’s an entrepreneur on the internet.

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I’m fucking sick of these little social media brats
Who come into my office with their ‘netbooks’,
And their “keynote”,
And their mobile marketing statistics,
And get their buddies to ‘tweet at me’,
And tell me ‘agencies don’t get digital’.
You know what agencies DO get? Sales.
These little social media brats know nothing about business,
About the bottom line,
Show me my ROI you little shits,
And then I’ll assign you a PO,
You little brat.
I’ve fucking built a branded empire,
And you’ve built a blog.
I’d buy and sell your blog tomorrow,
Except all you blog about is social-fucking-media.
Fuck.

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
But I’m not into this whole ‘logging in’ thing.
Besides facebook is blocked at my office,
Because my staff spend too much time on it
When they should be focusing on their targets.
Can’t I just pay you to do it for me?
Can’t you just start a facebook group?
Can’t I pay you to write my blog? Can’t be too much work?
Or what are these new things? ‘Fan pages’.
My son says ‘fan pages’ are the new thing.
Yes, my son keeps me up to date with this ‘social media stuff’
He’s 14, so he’s very in touch with ‘what’s cool’.
He also hates my guts so our family shrink recommended we ‘bond over his love for technology’.
Can you do my facebook page?

Sure Ill run your blog.

Sure I'll run your blog.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
I’m sick of spending too much money on TV ads,
Only to be outdone by our competitor brands ,
Who spent double on their TV ad,
Sucks.
Just wanted be named the Sunday Times Markinor Marketer of the Year,
So decided 2 do a ‘viral campaign’,
Hired that Zany New Media Social Word of Marketing company,
They came up with this social media ‘touchpoint plan’,
But some chick reported us to twitter.
Said we were “spamming” her.
Guess we got a little overzealous with the DMs,
Just wanted to get to a million followers soooooo bad.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I am scared.
The race is on for a best practise model,
And I have no fucking clue how to develop one.
Should have stayed in sales,
At least I got a commission,
This is just a mission,
Gonna go get lunch and stuff myself since I gave up smoking and drinking after my 1st bypass.
So scared y’all,
So scared.

Anybody out there?

Hello?


Close encounters with the TBG while brainstorming

See kids? THIS is what can happen if you get into advertising. You work late nights without being paid overtime. You present endless options on ideas, and they all get bombed for whatever reason. You get harangued for being on the internet ‘when you should be working’. You mooch around Wembley Square for hours on end, “brainstorming”.  And then the TBG walks in, and makes it all worthwhile.

And suddenly everything is wonderful.

And suddenly everything is wonderful.

Read more about similarly inspiring encounters with TBG here.

Is Swineflu the new Crocs?

Wonder if they will send me home from work if i wear Crox.

Wonder if they will send me home from work if i wear Crox.

So eeeeeeveryone in gladvertising is buzzing about Swineflu – ‘did you hear? Ogilvy has 2 cases’ – etc etc. Makes me wonder why nobody learnt their lesson through Crocs / Von Zipper (the quicker the rise of a fad brand the harder the fall). Hope Swineflu’s marketing team realise that they may be getting loads of attention now, but in a month or so nobody will give a shit about your illness, just like what happened to AIDS / HIV / Ed Hardy, or they will be making jokes about your virus.

Cover your eyes when viewing to prevent contamination.

Cover your eyes when viewing to prevent contamination.


Hope the rest of y’ulle innovators are ‘spotting the opportunity’ in this ‘crisis’ (hey remember the Red Bull-cocaine ‘crisis’? Apparently they sold double what they normally do while it was peaking). There are loads of opps for smarty pants out there, for example, ‘getting the Swineflu’ (10 days off work no questions asked), ‘saying you think you’re getting Swineflu’ (getting sent home by para boss), ‘staying home in case you get the Swineflu from work’ (if you work at Ogilvy), ‘making viral ads’ (if you work anywhere else).

Should I eat of the Moonfruit?

I’m a human. A social being. So whenever other humans do something, I get all frenzied and scared I’m missing out and am sure to copy them right away, and then do my research on the topic later. Right now everyone’s hash-tagging #moonfruit in their tweets, which is kind of like forwarding that mail about penis enlargement to all your friends. Love it when my friends spam me. Makes me feel closer to them.

Just want 2 win a MacBook Pro. Will basically do anything for Mac products.

Just want 2 win a MacBook Pro. Will basically do anything for Mac products.

Should I hashtag moonfruit? What is a moonfruit? Sounds like something Alanis Morissette would use to describe her vajayjay. Does hash-tagging a brand on twitter have a negative effect on your personal brand? I kind of think it makes ppl look ‘desperate’ and poor, not rly the kind of ppl I would choose to win my competition (oh did I say it was a lucky draw? Oops).

Howling at the moonfruit.

Howling at the moonfruit.

I guess ppl who hash-tag to enter competitions see poverty as being a glam part of their personal brands. Much like the ppl who drop out of college and get jobs at Royale see waittressing and ‘struggling through life’ as glam. I think the poverty-as-glam trend is a negative trend, because the truth is that we are in a recession, and we should be aspiring to more. Dunno. Just a thought.

The MoonFruitDanceTM

The MoonFruitDanceTM

“And the dogs were barking at the new moonfruit

whistling a new tune

hoping it would come soon

so that they could die.”

–    Nelly Retardo, popculture embracifist

bibliotheque online TV

creepy, but it made me watch it 3 times.


buying a new phone. feeling ‘depressed’. i think.

Hey y’ulle. Feeling a little weirded out. Think I’ve lost touch with how I really feel. When I feel something, I’m not sure I’m feeling it because of something inside me, or whether I am being influenced by external factors, such as a viral online marketing campaign. Doesn’t thousands of people singing a Beatles’ song all together make you feel depressed? The following video is NOT for sensitive viewers.


I’m about to buy a new phone, but when I contemplate my future holding an iPhone / BlackBerry / HTC, I don’t feel thrilled and elated, like I should. I feel empty and meaningless, like I’m just a small part of one massive augmented reality campaign brought to you buy KingSaatchilvyCB, sponsored by ExclusiveWorthBookwords.

The cycle of life (you might remember this from elementary school biology).

The cycle of life (you might remember this from elementary school biology).

Wouldn’t really be surprised if ‘life as we know it’ is one big augmented reality campaign, brought to you by the Apple superbrand.

Guess the trick is to break out of ‘modern day emotional constraints’ by doing something meaningful, like going for a hike up the mountain, or ‘picking up the phone’ and talking to someone.  Maybe there are even more meaningful things to be done, like ‘imagining rocket-powered unicorns’ or ‘imagining water-melon boats’. I don’t really get this whole ‘imagining’ thing tho. Will maybe get my teenage brother to make a rocket-powered unicorn app for facebook for my phone, or something.

How wonderful life could be.

How wonderful life could be.

Truly spiffy.

Truly spiffy.

How am I supposed to tell whether I really feel something or not?
Should I post how I feel in my SpaceBook status so as to get sympathy from those of my friends who are drawn to a victim? Or should I conceptualise an integrated campaign on twitter that will ‘generate buzz’ about user-generated emotions?


Wish I could upload emotions and share them with my friends. Not sure my online friends ‘get’ emotions though. Guess if my emotions fell into one of the following categories it would be fine: 1) Sober or 2) Wasted.

OR

OR

OR

————————————————————————————————————-

BONUS ‘wasted’ 4 YOU: CONGRATS YOU ARE THE 14 BILLIONTH VIEWER OF THIS POST.  please accept this pic of 2 wasted chicks kissing. wish you were here.

Will I really not feel better if I buy a phone that is more expensive than I can afford? Think I must be ‘depressed’. Guess I have identified an ’emotional niche’ that can be exploited for capital gains. Will open up my depression as a media space for ads to buy as soon as I can get out of bed. Will use the revenue I generate to buy my new phone. Hope I will be able to appreciate my new phone now that I’ve actually had to work for something in my life.

is this a good ‘viral’ ad for MacDonalds?

hey y’ulle. been thinking a lot lately about viral. and ‘content’. about “the nature of the beast”. been doing some doodles on notepads. i found this video:

what do y’ulle think? Give it a rating out of 5, 5 being very’fwdable/extreme viralability. maybe this isn’t even viral and but rather the evolution / next step in personal branding? feel like i’ve got lots to think about.

voting special: celebrity endorsement of the year

Love is free, yall.

Love is free, y'all.

you gotta give it to Nando’s. they took on the nation’s most notorious stand-up comedian, Julius Malema, and he, very predictably, just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. in his threats and tyrades he’s come up with some of the raddest viral material. it’s the kind of stuff you just can’t write. it’s amazing. check this out:

“If Nando’s does not withdraw the adverts, the ANCYL will mobilise the people of South Africa to take militant action against Nando’s and anything associated with Nando’s.” – the ANC League of Extraordinary Youthgentlemen

it’s just too good. this is the kind of name drop most brands can only DREAM about getting in their wildest brandy dreams. and it gets better. they even use the word ‘instruct‘ – totally awesome:

“While awaiting the legal advice, the ANCYL instructs the Nando’s company and those who did the advertisement to promptly withdraw the advert from all television screens and radio channels.” – ANC League Of Extraordinary Youths.

this – my friends – is groundbreaking advertising. this campaign deserves the Grand Black Clio Lion Loerie Eagle Prix best use of PR / social media / digital / tv / integrated / craft / viral / radness / tactical / extreme LOL category.

Nandos 4 EVA.

Nando's 4 EVA.

I hope the agency is getting their Loerie Stage Gimmick together. Would suck to win this big and be unprepared to do something zany and memorable on stage. Now’s your chance to introduce your personal creative brands to the industry – don’t be shy now.


voting special: MyBrandedVoteTM

Nandos work by Black River JHB (thanks @thecopyninja)

Nando's work by Black River JHB (thanks @thecopyninja)

Nando’s goodness (via 10and5), not forgetting this ad ripping of Julius Malema (head of the ANC Youth League, famous for using Hitler as inspiration for his personal brand).


That’s apparently done by a small agency called Stick. URL anyone? We’re still waiting for Julius Malema to ‘take militant action’ against Nando’s.  And then there’s this fantastic collection of election posters also at 10and5 (check it out, it’s hilarious) where you can see this ‘good shepherd’:

I need a hug.

"I need a hug."

and many many more, all here.


elections on wednesday

don’t forget to vote lovelies.

get an ANC poster template here. thanks @coda

BADvertising: a kick at the Balls.

Hey y’ulle. So I bet you’ve all been waiting with baited breath for ‘the big reveal’ to the National Skirt Extension Project. Chomping at the bit and all that (has any teaser campaign ever actually worked and not come off as something vague and slightly annoying?). So turns out it was Mrs Balls Chutney who did the National Skirt Extension Project initiative. Surprise.


The ‘thinking’ behind it is that you shouldn’t change something that doesn’t need changing.

I guess it would mean a whole lot more if they actually referred to food (Mrs Balls  Chutney is a classic South African condiment. Not a clothing brand. Or a woman’s interest magazine. A condiment.). Instead, they spent a LOT of money talking about shortening the skirt on the classic Ladies’ Room sign, banking on a big ‘ahhhhh’ when all was revealed.

I’m just going to say 2 things:

1. Women get brutally beaten all the time for wearing skirts that some men deem ‘too short’ – this kind of discrimination is rampant in this country, if not condoned by everyone. So it’s tasteless in the same way those dodgy Huggies billboards that show babies dressed up like whores is tasteless coz South African men seem to have a child-rape predilection, too.

2.

Seriously. No one.

Seriously. No one.

Anti-climax huh? The brand kind of comes off as a  wanker, don’t you think? The details:


this is viral.

you see, y’ulle. the brands  wanna get on board with this ‘new social media shizzle’. so they invent a competition where users can submit their ideas for ads. but consumers ❤ porn (human truth). so consumers make porn ads with the brand’s logo, handed to them on a silver ready-made-jpeg-platter (yogisip.co.za). brand bans the porn ad from official site, but not from youtube (youtube is god). general public ignores all the ‘legit’ ads, and sends around porn ad. yogisip gets viral youtube porn ad.

all praise social media, y’ulle.


Alex from MyBrandedLifeTM interviewed by Glitter Zebra

Happy Friday y’ulle. It’s a good one because today I was interviewed by some real life Generation Y kids who run this zany site called Glitter Zebra. Glitter Zebra contacted me because the girl who runs the site (Katie) and her brother (Jerome) have been arguing about ‘What is cool’. So they googled it and found my site, and I have to say, I’m a little flattered. They even gave me The Singing Lion Award for my blog!

What a privilege!

What a privilege!

You can read the full interview here.

An extract to get you all juiced up:

“Basically, pies are cool, yes. They were made cool by that movie with the man who did a lot of Maths, and for a while then Maths was cool, but it was the pies who eventually came out on top.” Alex, interview with Glitter Zebra

A screenshot of the interview

A screenshot of the interview

Where do blogs come from?

One of my twest friends, Dplanet, posed a very NB twestion (twitter question) today: Where do blogs come from? Leon Jacobs said they happen when 2 blogs fall in love, but there is a step that precedes blog love. It is the step where a person ceases to be a human being and becomes a blog.

Not quite a who-man, but not quite a blog, either.

Not quite a who-man, but not quite a blog yet, either.

How does that happen exactly? It depends on the human being. (Or, who-man, being? See how our very existence challenges itself through a catchy mnemonic. Could be a cool line for an energy drink. Anyway.)

In my instance, I spent a lot of time writing / thinking / talking about / eating / drinking / sleeping / touching / feeling / singing with / dancing with / engaging with / social networking with brands. Then I realized that I was superior to other who-mans because they didn’t spend as much time focusing on brands and being branded and shiz. And then I exploded into a blog.

There were a lot of colours and chevrons, and then I was a blog.

There were a lot of colours and chevrons, and then I was a blog.

It wasn’t pretty. I *became* the idea of what my life is. Branded. S’all very logical and unromantic but the sooner you know the truth, the better.

A prerequisite to having a blog, however, is having the illusion of superiority. The great guru Woodchuck Chopra has spoken about this in his book Superio-Destiny (worth a read). As has Wheel Ronald Squelch in his best-selling Conversations With Blogs series (highly recommend). Conversations With Blogs made me understand that I am, in fact, a blog, and that everyone is also a blog at the same time.

We are all blogs, blogging about each other, being social media, being the medium, being the message, creating new jobs for advertising school graduates who really really ❤ facebook, creating new jobs for socially inept techies whom we hire as ‘consultants’ to explain our existence back to us (seeing the wood for the trees and all that). Quite a sophisticated concept but Wheel Ronald Squelch makes it v accessible. Anyway now you know. LOLROFLMAOBRB4eva.

i’m gonna add you. and then delete you. i’m gonna add you.

Strangers are just friends waiting to be met. Lets just be strangers.

Strangers are just friends waiting to be met. "Let's just be strangers".

today i’m going through my facebook friends list, and checking it twice. feel like some of your wide-angle profile pics aren’t really doing much for my reading pleasure. and now that marketing has reached glorious new heights, if i delete you, you’ll know. because i’m gonna get something out of deleting you. i’m gonna get a free burger. that’s right, a free burger.

Me and my best facebook friend. We have so much fun.

Me and my best facebook friend. We have so much fun.

it’s no big deal. we were never great friends anyway. i met you through a friend of a friend and you’d just read Hey Whipple and you thought we had soooo much in common. i accepted your friend request because i figured i might be able to use you for my own gain, some day. delete.

We had this amazing connection. Yeah. Its called the internet.

"We had this amazing connection." Yeah. It's called "the internet".

and it ain’t no thang with you either. we went to primary school together, back when it was still called ‘primary school’. i had a crush on you because i was limited for choice. now i see your insipid little face for what it is: white trash. delete.

Friendship is only real when the age gap is at least 15 years and you all sit on a bus together.

Friendship is only real when the age gap is at least 15 years and you all sit on a bus together.

as for you. i met you one night backstage at some band thing i was covering. back when i used to write for that cute little mag that liked to think of itself as a post-modern Rolling Stone. later that night you covered yourself in your own vomit. it’s the only thing we talk about, when i actually reply to your mails. delete.

Real friends like to get their digits stuck in finger traps for days (forces intimate conversation and sharing of living spaces, boyfriends, etc).

Real friends like to get their digits stuck in finger traps for days (forces intimate conversation and sharing of living spaces, boyfriends, etc).

and then of course, there’s you. i guess there was a time when i might have called you my ‘boss’. guess that was back before you revealed yourself to be a liar. you lied about the job description, you lied about company resources, you lied to your clients, and then you were caught plagiarising. real world’s a bitch. delete.

Youre not officially friends until you have an attic clubhouse where you can look at each others clothes and talk about having a yard sale.

You're not officially "friends" until you have an attic clubhouse where you can look at each others clothes and talk about having a yard sale.

hey. it’s you! we were best friends once. now we lurk around each other’s profiles, spying on each other’s friends, reading a little too much into everything. i still like you, though. you can stay.

Youre not friends until youre a band of white horses, running free and groovy through the electro orchards of contemporary Cape Town.

You're not friends until you're a band of white horses, running free and groovy through the electro orchards of contemporary Cape Town.

oh, but you. i don’t even know how i know you, though facebook says we have 15 friends in common. i don’t even know what you look like. you could be Sadam Hussein for all i know. but no. you are some arb with some arb name, polluting my news feed with your status updates and your photo tags and your notes. you send me requests to put me on your BFF birthday calendar, and you send me growing gifts. this isn’t healthy. i’m ending this for us. maybe some day our paths will cross and we will never even know that we were once fbook friends. until then, adieu. delete.

Were not friends until you adore me and carry me around.

We're not friends until you adore me and carry me around.

hey you. we once lived together, for a bit. we could have been best friends, but life – and a landlord – got in the way. every time i see your status i feel a little guilty because i should see you more. since i feel guilty about everything from putting an extra half spoon of sugar in my tea (bad G.I.) to not updating my blog to ignoring my phone on the odd Friday night (ok, every Friday night), i’m gonna scrape your name off my guilt platter, to give myself a break. love ya. delete.

Were not friends until we cross a cultural barrier and offend the people we love. So i can stroke your soft white feathers.

We're not friends until we cross a cultural barrier and offend the people we love. So i can stroke your soft white feathers.

oh, and you! we once worked together for that lame promo company. i was nice to you because everyone pretended to be nice to everyone. the truth is i think you’re bland, dull and gormless. delete.

*********************************************************2 more to go til burger time….******************************************

and then there is you, mr generic person who added me because all your friends added me. there’s no nice way to say this but…you’re lame. go tag a wall in Rondebosch or something. delete.

Were not friends until you take ambient shots of me with your Polaroid in your bedroom.

We're not friends until you take ambient shots of me with your Polaroid in your bedroom.

and lastly, we have you, friend of friends. you, who has not much else to talk about (not that we talk – by talk i mean ‘update your fbook status’) but how drunk you got last night. or how hungover you are this morning. it’s like being inside the Ground Hog Day of your Loser’s Complex. as fascinating as it is to read about how drunk you did / can / will / want to get, i’m sorry, it’s time for you to go now. delete.

Were not friends unless youre a little white bird that brings me dreams while i sleep.

We're not friends unless you're a little white bird that brings me dreams while i sleep.

and now. for my burger. mwah ha ha. see you in fbook hell, fuckers.