Category Archives: writing

the new maths

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Psychographic Profile: I am a copywriter.

Take me seriously, pls. - copywriter

"Take me seriously, pls." - a copywriter

I am a copywriter.
I am just doing this for now, until I
finish my book / record my album / someone picks up on my blog and makes me a presenter on a travel show.
I can do many things besides write
I subject my friends to my guitar / singing / painting / surfing
But I can’t do anything quite as well as I can write
Which is half a disappointment
And half a point of pride.

Wish I didnt know so much about the nature of humanity. - a copywriter

"Wish I didn't know so much about the nature of humanity." - a copywriter

I am a copywriter
I can quote chunks out of cult movies and books by Paul Arden
I update my favourite books on facebook
(Unlike journalists, I love Margaret Atwood because I never studied English at university)
I didn’t really study much at all but
I have a know-it-all air about me which some people love
And some people hate
But I’m not here to make friends
And I don’t get lonely
Because I don’t really like people very much
Because I ‘know too much about the world’.

Were all just monkeys. - A copywriter

“We’re all just monkeys.” – A copywriter

I am a copywriter
I never finish any of the expensive notebooks I buy
Sometimes I don’t start the new ones
Even though I buy a new one like, twice a month
Some of them look real pretty but are difficult to write in
Because they are almost too pretty
(I will basically find a million different excuses for why I can’t write, unless
I’m writing to a brief).

Just trying to think the opposite of whatever Im thinking. - a copywriter

"Just trying to think the opposite of whatever I'm thinking." - a copywriter

I am a copywriter
I am my own worst enemy
I am brimming with potential
But all I can do is get drunk / stoned / eat takeout until I’m sedated
while I ignore my phone and the doorbell
And watch mini series
And talk about ‘how well they are written’.

Im going to make myself some tea and then get a solid chapter in. - a copywriter

"I'm going to make myself some tea and then get a solid chapter in." - a copywriter

I am a copywriter
Deep down inside I really believe I can solve the world’s problems
(I could even be the president)
Even though I can’t quit smoking 20 cigarettes a day
Nor can I quite shake that weird neurosis I developed as a teenager that my parents are too embarrassed to bring up
So we all pretend it wasn’t  real.

A copywriters dog.

A copywriter's dog.

I am a copywriter
I type a lot so my colleagues think I am working
I annoy my art director because I type loud
Because I type hard
But I’m mostly commenting on forums / blogging / microblogging on twitter / skyping other copywriters
Chatting about my plans to finish my book / record my album / get my blog ‘out there’

Some day the world will see me for the genius I am. - a copywriter

"Some day the world will see me for the genius I am." - a copywriter

I am a copywriter
But just for now.

why am i here? counting my blessings. plus a poem about being an art director

who am i? why am i here? why don’t i capitalise my ‘i”s when i am a writer? why do i even bother logging on every day? does my life have meaning? should i pay off a MacBook over 36 months or just put it on my credit card?

2 Alexs. United in a name on facebook. One disguised as a blonde, one disguised as a Mallix. Enough to make you add Jesus as a friend.

2 Alex's. United in a name on facebook. One disguised as a blonde, one disguised as a Mallix. Enough to make you add Jesus as a friend.

kidding y’ulle. it’s not all that bad. i should count my blessings:

1) My new client-service hair cut. Now I can move effortlessly through all agency divisions. Clients like me more. My boyfriend likes me more. Shop assistants are kinder to me because they think ppl who blowdry their hair have money to spend during this tough ol’ recession.

2) My facebook friends. My facebook friends are the best. They are always there when I need them. If I ever have a status crisis, they comment on it in seconds. Some even use the new ‘I like this’ button. I am blessed y’ulle.

3) My family of brands. Without them, I would be no one. My Reebok shoes keep me grounded and remind me ‘I am who I am’. My Nike Gym Sweats remind me to ‘Just do it’ instead of sleeping late. My Renault Yaris reminds me to shake my environmental booty on a daily basis. I am so blessed.

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Feeling very inspired today so am going to use my highly developed sense of empathy to ‘change my course’ and ‘become an art director’.

I am an Art Director: a poem by a copywriter

I am an Art Director

My world is visual, my eyes have visions,

I have crows feet from squinting at the colourful, spinning MacBook Sun,

The glow on my cheeks is blue,

I dream in Hi-Def LCD (hate dead pixels,they’re the worst).

I am an Art Director,

I am too lazy to brainstorm a visual brief with my copywriter.

I would rather just ‘get it out the way’,

So I can browse thru ffffound.com,

and scan in my Holga Lomo Action Sampler prints.

I am an Art Director,

I failed Matric, but nobody cares about qualifications in advertising.

Bummer, since I paid R10 million extra to get a ‘degree’:

Wish someone had told me.

I am an Art Director,

I have lots of coffee table books

That I purchased at the Exclusive Books Summer Sale.

I still have a red beanie from that time I watched The Life Aquatic

and vowed to never wear anything that wasn’t red, white or teal ever again (it was just a phase).

I am an Art Director,

My fingers move over my mac keyboard like a DJ.

I am a visual DJ. But not a V-Jay. Or a vaJayJay. God is a DJ. I am a visual God.

My favourite author is Hunter S. Thomson.

The only author I have ever read is Hunter S. Thomson, even though that one writer chick I went out with wouldn’t shut up about Charles Bukowski.

I am an Art Director,

I designed my own tattoo, which is why it looks like shit.

I designed my girlfriend’s tattoo, too.

We both pretend it doesn’t look like shit.

If you like we can meet at Vida and brainstorm a logo for an electro label.

Add me on facebook.

I’ll make you look hot.

Nice grade.

Bro.

An art director has breakfast.

An art director has breakfast.

An art directors lounge.

An art director's lounge.

An art directors house.

An art director's house (they get paid waaay less than copywriters).

Female art directors make nests in which to give birth to their young art directors.

Female art directors make nests in which to give birth to their young art directors.

An art directors hat.

An art director's hat.

A young art director with its mother.

A young art director with its mother.

An art director filing its tax returns.

An art director filing its tax returns.

MyBrandedHaikus(TM)

wanna buy something

that makes me look better than

you or anyone else.

*pls note that this particular 5 – 7 – 6 (including the magenta / orange / lime format) haiku structure is a Registered Trademark of MyBrandedLifeTM ® Enterprises and all subsidiary brands Copyright © Alex van Tonder Industries and that vibe 2007.


honda toyota

asian imports so lovely

kind of cheap to the eye.

———————————————————————————

FoxP2 party

snuffling out the who’s-who there

another facebook tag.

———————————————————————————

a frantic scramble

is it worth D&AD?

maybe just the Loeries.

———————————————————————————

name generation

try to invent new icon

my name, forgotten.

——————————————————————————–

the bar is open

friday frenzy, tequila

dial your dealer now.

Graphic design haikus, lifted off some website, somewhere.

Graphic design haikus, lifted off some website, somewhere.

End of year poem. Time to reflect. Remembering this time last year.

Happy holidays everyone. May all your online xmas pre-orders ship on time.

thinking of showing my boobs. trying to make my porti unique.

it’s tough being in advertising today. once upon a time, nobody even knew it was a career. nobody believed that you could get paid to think up funny / smart / relevant / enagaging / viral / cool / prestigious / down-to-earth / honest / housewifey / working daddish / [insert name of target market and or their values here] ideas and call it a job.

things have changed. these days everyone is in advertising. everyone is zany. everyone is cool. warhol said everyone would be famous, but he didn’t say everyone was going to be awesome.

Everyone is zany and creative and pushing deadlines and consumer promises.

Everyone is zany and creative and pushing deadlines and consumer promises. It's called Being The Brand. You are the brand. You are the trend. You are the future. You are now. Be with me. Here. With my brand. Now. Together we will collaborate and appeal to more people than we would appeal to if we were apart.

these days  even the beggar who sits outside my gate at home has his own corporate colours for the chalk board he holds up. i know this because i offered him some spare chalk the other day and he only took the blue and the orange chalk because ‘these are my colours’.

struggling to come to terms with what the world is coming to.

been feeling something like this:

new year! / new porti!

so been looking over other peoples’ portfolios to get some inspiration as to how i can differentiate myself from the masses of creatives out there and their personal creative copywriter / art director brands. and then further differentiate myself as a professional who can create brands that i’m not personally involved with.

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“Talent is no longer about original ideas. Talent is about being able to come up with original ideas that are not based on or created for / by you or your experiences, but look like they were created by the person they were created for.” – Alex van Tonder, in an interview with Bill Bernbacklett

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i’m not sure how not to get personally involved with the brands i work on. just like i’m not sure how to not hook up with all the men at my office. wish i’d saved one of them for a rainy day. maybe i can create controversy within the agency by pulling a Lindsay Lohan and kissing a client service chick and then refusing to answer any questions. although when i kissed Jenny that one night at Diaz Tavern no one even asked any questions.

you see what i mean when i say that it’s hard to differentiate yourself these days?

Another agency party at some obscure pub in Gardens Industria. Ive got sooooo many of these pics its almost not even worth uploading it. Ever feel like all truly great ideas have already been done? Paris Hilton did blowjobs and penetration. Lindsay and Britney did their crotch-flashings. Sharon Stone did that leg-cross thing in Basic Instinct. The world is so competitive yulle. Really hard for me to keep ahead of the curve when it comes to showing what makes me special as a copywriter, what makes me different to all the other copywriters out there.

Another agency party at some obscure pub in Gardens Industria. I've got sooooo many of these pics it's almost not even worth uploading it. Ever feel like all truly great ideas have already been done? Paris Hilton did blowjobs and penetration. Lindsay and Britney did their crotch-flashings. Sharon Stone did that leg-cross thing in Basic Instinct. The world is so competitive y'ulle. Really hard for me to keep ahead of the curve when it comes to showing what makes me special as a copywriter, what makes me different to all the other copywriters out there.

NEwayz… back to the porti. should it be digital? should i invent a program that allows you to download my porti in a nanosecond? maybe i can make it so small that you have to view it with nanoglasses on nano chips? will nano still be big in 2010 or am i running with a fad here?

Should I pressurise my own blood and spray out my headlines under water so that Creative Directors see that I understand new media?

Should I pressurise my own blood and spray out my headlines under water so that Creative Directors see that I understand new media?

or should i keep my porti old school? big red leatherbound book with my name embossed in Cooper Bold in White letters? feel like there is a certain amount of gravitas when i whack down a beast of a porti like that on a Creative Director’s desk. although i haven’t actually used it since i graduated way back in 2004. since then, a well-written email that conveys my ability to stay calm in the face of chaos has gotten me every job i’ve ever had.

An example of the well-written, to-the-point letter that got me my job at King James.

An example of the well-written, to-the-point letter that got me my job at King James.

i’ve heard that some legendary creatives don’t even have portfolios, they just email a list of awards annuals and corresponding page numbers when they’re looking for a job. that feels a little wanky to me. i feel like if someone made me wade through crusty awards annuals that gather like dust in the corners of agency toilets, i wouldn’t want to offer them a job. unless it was dusting the awards annuals gathering weevils in the agency toilets.

Does NE one out there still care about awards? If i have a list of awards longer than my hair will you want to hire me? Or would you be more inclined to hire me if i just sent you a link to my blog with pictures of myself taking photos of myself on it? Wish someone had answers for me. Im feeling the photo vibe more. Just coz I know my good side.

Does NE one out there still care about awards? If i have a list of awards longer than my hair will you want to hire me? Or would you be more inclined to hire me if i just sent you a link to my blog with pictures of myself taking photos of myself on it? Wish someone had answers for me. I'm feeling the photo vibe more. Just coz I know my good side.

maybe i should record my porti into an album and take off my clothes to promote it. i’d go around the country doing signings which double up as interviews. being Gen Y, it is all about me interviewing the agency and not the other way round. i’d listen as they tell me how they want to help me ‘grow my craft’ and ‘collaborate and cross pollinate‘ my tech-savvy skills with their experienced eye for Letraset.

Collaboration across the generation gap is key to moving forward in the future.

Collaboration across the generation gap is key to moving forward in the future.

i’m going to make this porti quest my holiday project. gonna come back with some fresh material. gonna come back with a come back.

“I see you. And I just wanna dance with you. LOLOLOLOL.” – Brutney Spears

read my writings in print

i’m opting out of blogging today because i’m so damn busy. but if you so desperately need your fix you’ll find an article of mine in the latest edition of onesmallseed (issue 13), on shelves today. it looks like it’s covered in bubblewrap. the mag, not the article. the article is just some garble about these shapes i see around town. it’s on page 34 and it’s called “The Jesus Saves Graffiti Eaters”. peace, y’ulle.  ps. i renewed my entry into the US National Green Card Lottery today. did you?

Feel me.

Feel me.