Tag Archives: budget

Psychographic Profile: I am a Client Looking To Capitalise On Social Media

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
To be honest, I don’t know WTF I’m doing.
Went to some talk,
Where there was some chick,
Talking about ‘conversations not campaigns’,
She made some good points ,
She was quite hot,
Think I’m just gonna start a facebook group and ‘see how it goes’.

Back in Advertisings Heyday. Miss u

Back in 'Advertising's Heyday'. Miss u

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media ,
I just joined this site called ‘Twitter’.
Have y’all heard of it?
Not really sure what the point is,
It’s kind of like I’m talking to myself,
“Just trying to get the hang of this Twitter thing”.
I got my first follower today,
Some chick who sells Britney Spears Sex Tapes,
Guess everyone’s trying to ‘push their brand’ on Twitter,
Everyone’s an entrepreneur on the internet.

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I’m fucking sick of these little social media brats
Who come into my office with their ‘netbooks’,
And their “keynote”,
And their mobile marketing statistics,
And get their buddies to ‘tweet at me’,
And tell me ‘agencies don’t get digital’.
You know what agencies DO get? Sales.
These little social media brats know nothing about business,
About the bottom line,
Show me my ROI you little shits,
And then I’ll assign you a PO,
You little brat.
I’ve fucking built a branded empire,
And you’ve built a blog.
I’d buy and sell your blog tomorrow,
Except all you blog about is social-fucking-media.
Fuck.

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
But I’m not into this whole ‘logging in’ thing.
Besides facebook is blocked at my office,
Because my staff spend too much time on it
When they should be focusing on their targets.
Can’t I just pay you to do it for me?
Can’t you just start a facebook group?
Can’t I pay you to write my blog? Can’t be too much work?
Or what are these new things? ‘Fan pages’.
My son says ‘fan pages’ are the new thing.
Yes, my son keeps me up to date with this ‘social media stuff’
He’s 14, so he’s very in touch with ‘what’s cool’.
He also hates my guts so our family shrink recommended we ‘bond over his love for technology’.
Can you do my facebook page?

Sure Ill run your blog.

Sure I'll run your blog.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
I’m sick of spending too much money on TV ads,
Only to be outdone by our competitor brands ,
Who spent double on their TV ad,
Sucks.
Just wanted be named the Sunday Times Markinor Marketer of the Year,
So decided 2 do a ‘viral campaign’,
Hired that Zany New Media Social Word of Marketing company,
They came up with this social media ‘touchpoint plan’,
But some chick reported us to twitter.
Said we were “spamming” her.
Guess we got a little overzealous with the DMs,
Just wanted to get to a million followers soooooo bad.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I am scared.
The race is on for a best practise model,
And I have no fucking clue how to develop one.
Should have stayed in sales,
At least I got a commission,
This is just a mission,
Gonna go get lunch and stuff myself since I gave up smoking and drinking after my 1st bypass.
So scared y’all,
So scared.

Anybody out there?

Hello?


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the old ‘make a giant shoe’ trick. works every time.

it’s summer, which means it’s summer promo season, and i thought i’d share with you the first of the promos to catch my eye. we headed over to the neighbourgoods market on saturday at the old biscuit mill and parked right outside, blocking the entrance was this enormous high-heeled shoe.

Frightening. Makes you reconsider your priorities.

Frightening. Makes you reconsider your priorities.

i switched into consumer drive and made sure to get a side-angle shot, too. i pondered, what could this giant shoe mean? i am intrigued? and then i spotted the naughty devil ladybug logo and clicked that it was brutal fruit.

Just as big from the side. Nice, um, Comic San Serif. And whats that funny thing wrapped around its heel?

Just as big from the side. Nice, um, Comic San Serif. And what's that funny thing wrapped around its heel?

so i smsed the number. i got sent back a URL, and i opened it. i then got a bunch of pretty neon colourful messages saying things like ‘Do you want in’ and ‘Full colour is the new black’. There was some mention about some fashion parties, and then i figured i’d download some wallpaper to try and plug the emotional void in my life.

another elite branded secret society to make me feel special and valued.

Just what i need: another elite branded secret society to make me feel special and valued.

Wallpaper. This is on my phone, filling the void my iPhone left when i dropped it off the balcony of my house on Clifton 3rd.

Wallpaper. This is on my phone, filling the void my iPhone left when i dropped it off the balcony of my house on Clifton 3rd.

**********************************************************************************

Do you ever get the Fear Of Missing Out when it comes to summer promos? Summer is such a happy, bright, branded time. Sometimes i worry about getting to Clifton 3rd later than 12 because all the best summer promo giveaways might be gone by then. I’m not sure i’d be okay with summer if i didn’t get my free Cell C frisbee or my free Nivea Suntan Lotion sample that i can put in my free summer beach bag that i got free with December’s Glamour mag. I look forward to hitting the beach wearing the same free sunglasses i bought in the Elle magazine that every second girl on the beach bought. These branded freebies make me feel like i have a place, like i have a home. they make me feel a part of something bigger than myself.

Summer is not just about sunshine and swimming in the sea. Summer is about getting as much free stuff as you can from brands that save their whole BTL budget for this time of year. I resolve to make the most of this up-and-coming summer.

I WILL NOT languish by my pool when i could be reaching out to promo girls with zinc on their noses and accepting offers of sun lotion squirts by promo boys.

I WILL NOT set foot in a mall or anywhere else that requires me to pay for iced tea, suntan lotion, self-tan, moisturises, air time, lip balm or deodorant, all of which fall under the summer freebie category.

I WILL put on an accessible, happy expression that attracts promo ambassadors towards me.

I WILL pretend that i smoke when the Camel reps offer everyone on the beach free tickets to the Camel Summer Experience 3.0

I WILL roll down my window when pretty young people wave flyers at me while i’m waiting at the traffic lights, and i WILL take what they have to offer.

I WILL take their shiney flyers with attached samples and press them to my face and inhale their plastickey, gloss-printed goodness.

I WILL wipe branded fake tattoos onto pertinent parts of my body that i find at the bottom of assorted summer promo goodie packs.

And I WILL drink the free flavoured fizzy water that the Aquarelle Girls give me, even though it’s slightly warm and there’s sand in the cap.

I WILL BUY SUMMER 2008. And it will be awesome.