Tag Archives: cellular

Whacky Wednesday – free consumer insight: get yours NOW! (use it, don’t use it, whatever)

If you work for a bank / cellular service provider, please copy and paste this post into a mail and allstaff it. It’s cheaper than paying some market research company to do it, and it’s also more honest. Here are some observations, insights and recommendations:

If you call me from a private number, I assume you are cold-calling me from some cellular service provider / bank, which is the communication equivalent to being woken up in the middle of a night by a naked bald guy jerking off over my face.

Unfortunately, repeat offenders have forced me to put some drastic measures in place, which include stating very clearly on my voicemail that if you are calling from a private number, I WILL NOT answer, unless you send me an SMS telling me who you are, and why you are calling, and give me a number on which to return your call. This is not open to negotiation.

This applies not only to private numbers, or ‘blocked’ numbers, as they appear on the iPhone, but also goes for any number that I do not have in my address book and hence do not recognize via Caller Line ID. Why so tense, you might ask?

Because if you are not one of my nearest and dearest, I do not want to speak to you. If you are going to try and get me to buy something, I do not want to speak to you. If I want to buy something you have, I will find you – don’t you worry. If you exist in the peripheries of my life ie. you are my bank consultant, the dude from my gym who wants to check if I’m still taking part in the triathlon or the chick from the spa who wants to confirm my massage this weekend, you have TWO options when it comes to contacting me: email me, or SMS me. I will reply. I will be nice, courteous and pleasant to deal with.  We can still have a meaningful, productive relationship – just not over the phone.

(Whomever the retarded person was who phoned me SEVEN times from a private number yesterday, what is going through your brain? Which part of my voice message do you not understand? Why do you think phoning me again will make me answer? Do you not read 2oceansvibe?)

***********************PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION NOW*******************************


Lastly, but not leastly, do not EVER send me a Please Call Me. The last friend who sent me a Please Call Me is no longer a friend. So why on earth, bank-who-shall-not-be-named (you know who you are) do you think sending me a Please Call Me is going to convince me that you have any kind of understanding of me as a consumer or my needs? Getting a Please Call Me from a bank takes cellular rape to a whole new level. There really was nothing left to do but, well, call the number on my screen. Of course, I didn’t know the Please Call Me was from a bank until I called.

A transcript of my conversation with person from Big Bank that Everyone Knows.

A transcript of my conversation with person from Big Bank that Everyone Knows.

UN-f-ing-BELIEVABLE.

I’m feeling benevolent, so I’m not posting the name of the bank here, but if you’re shopping around for a new bank and would like to know who NOT to go with, drop me a mail and I’ll gladly tell you.

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why is vodacom’s Summer Loving ad such a success?

All the boys and all the girls want to If You Seek Amy.

"All the boys and all the girls want to If You Seek Amy."

because deep down inside, every woman wishes she was Sandy, and every guy wishes he was the character that John Travolta played. Danny? deep stuff. consumer insight 101. makes me want to reconsider what strategy means to me. sometimes i think strategy – a process put in place to safeguard a brand’s image – can inflict some sort of body dysmorphia on the brand it’s supposed to be working for.

i’ll bet the vodacom meerkat was right on strategy, even though it destroyed a nation’s hopes and dreams, stole our collective democratic innocence and obliterated our basic understanding of what separates right from wrong. sometimes i think we should do a little less thinking and building of complicated charts and do a little more feeling. a little more basic observations. a little more ‘duh’.

How to tell if you’re in control of strategy ie. strategy is not in control of you:

Place the word ‘duh’ behind your observations / positioning statements / SWAT analyses / consumer promise. if the sentence makes sense, then you’re in control of strategy, not the other way round. for example:

Statement 1: Everyone wants to be Sandy and Danny in Grease. Duh. Brilliant. Makes complete sense.

Statement 2: Consumers do not know what they need until you tell them they need it to assauge their lack of brand alignment with target focus of the specified demographic that the product fulfills like no other. Duh. Makes no sense at all.

You could hide the lack of sense making in a strategic diagram or chart. This is a dark art. Does anyone know who the hippest strat chart producer is at the moment? Success of your chart depends very much on whether your powerpoint producer is flavour of the month. my advice to you would be to insist on working with ‘the Timbaland of .ppt’ and accept no less. there is no point in compromising when it comes to charts. you’ve got to ask yourself whether you want to play in the big leagues or not.

Does this make you feel alive? Blame it on the boogie.

Does this make you feel alive? Blame it on the boogie.

CiBiPi - i think ive found the name for my new electro label.

CiBiPi - i think i've found the name for my new electro label.

My brain is round and swirly like a shell. I am smart, you should do everything i tell you to do.

My brain is round and swirly like a shell. I am smart, you should do everything i tell you to do.

I have used a lot of green because i love animals.

I have used a lot of green because i love animals.

This last chart contains the secrets to the universe. Do not let it get into the hands of those who cannot control their powers ie. Sylar.

This last chart contains the secrets to the universe. Don't show Sylar.

wow. totally got distracted by some riveting charts. i was thinking of blowing a few of these up to A2 and getting them block mounted in my house. anyway, well done to whomever made the decisions on Summer Loving. that police lady shaking her boobies was the best thing to happen to my TV since i stopped watching TV way back in the late nineties.

i’m on The Grid

so roundabout monday one of my twitter pals sends this:

“SMS the word ‘Grid’ to 33313 to get an invite’.

doesn’t sound exciting if you live under a rock, but i got pretty amped and started flapping around the office as i normally do about new technology, and everyone just ignored me, as they normally do when i do this. but truth is Vodacom’s offering to the SNS (social networking site) market is not only cool, it’s a first in that it tracks where you are in relation to your friends. here’s what they say about it (believe the site went public on Friday):

“When you use TheGRID it immediately shows your approximate position on a street map. This is done by utilising network-positioning systems that map the location of your cellphone. If you are signed-in, the profiles of your friends in your immediate area will be displayed, allowing you to share content with them in a number of different ways.
TheGRID users can leave “blogs” around the city: virtual notes to share experiences with other users, for example, a review of a meal at a restaurant. These notes may include anything from basic text messages to photos and even video clips. TheGRID will also show users which of their friends are in the area – they are then able to make contact with them through IM, and, for example, invite them to lunch.”

their official site can be found here.

i’d recommend signing up, you’ll only really get the benefit of this kind of thing if all your friends and associates are on it. you can also use it as a personal navigation system – came in quite handy for me twice this weekend. go forth and embrace the future, south africa. happy stalking.