Yesterday I had to audition a whole bunch of 9-year-olds over the phone for a radio ad. These are some of the transcripts:
9YO: Hello? HELLO?
Me: Hi sweetie, what’s your name?
9YO: Melusi. Mrs Peers said I must phone you and tell you who I am.
Me: Thanks Melusi, my name is Alex, and I’m going to be auditioning you for a radio ad, is that cool?
9YO: (bored) Yes I spose so.
Me: (apologetic) It won’t take long. Now the ad is about four 9-year old kids who are telling each other what they got their moms for mother’s day.
9YO: I got my mom flowers.
Me: That’s lovely. Now I’m going to read a line from the ad, and you’re going to say it back to me, is that okay?
Me: Says line.
9YO: (angry) I don’t like that line.
Me: (apologetic) Oh, I’m sorry… (regaining control) well if you can’t read it we’ll get another little boy to read it.
9YO: No one will want to say that.
Me: Why not?
9YO: Because it’s stupid. It’s stupid.
Me: Thanks Melusi, I have to go now.
9YO: (very softly) HellothisisRobinherecanIspeaktoAlex.
Me: Hello Robin, this is Alex love, how are you?
Me: Good thanks. Robin I’m going to be auditioning you for a radio ad, are you cool with that?
9YO: (barely audible) Yes.
Me: Awesome. Okay, I’m going to read you the line I’d like you to say, and then you’re going to say it back to me. You think you can do that?
9YO: (barely audible) yes.
Me: Okay. Here’s the line. Says line.
9YO: (barely audible) spspspspspspspspspspsps.
Me: Good Robyn, but you have a very gentle voice, do you think you could say it one more time, just a little louder?
Me: Just a little louder, honey?
SFX: Phone goes dead.
9YO: (very proper) Hello may I speak to Miss Alex please.
Me: I am Alex, who am I speaking to?
9YO: You are speaking to Robert. How do you do?
Me: (chucking to myself) I do fine, Robert, how do you do?
9YO: I am very good thank you. I am calling to be in the radio ad.
Me: That’s great Robert. It’s very simple, I’m going to give you a line, and you’re going to say it back to me as if you’re bragging, okay?
9YO: That sounds fine.
Me: Says line.
9YO: Says line back, but very politely, no bragging at all.
Me: That was great Robert. Do you think you could say it one more time, as if you’re boasting about what a great gift you got your Mom for Mother’s Day?
9YO: It’s very rude to boast Miss Alex. Jesus tells us not to boast.
Me: You’re right Robert, but this is make-believe, it’s just for an ad, it’s not real boasting. Just play-boasting.
9YO: (yelling into the background) Moooooooom! This lady wants me to boast!
Mother: (from background) Just do what she says Robert.
9YO: Fine. Says line again, boasting perfectly.
Me: Robert, that was great! I’m going to get our producer to give you a call in the week and set up a time for a recording, okay?
9YO: (sounding weary) No, rather have your producer call my agent.
Me: I’ll do that. Thank you for calling Robert.
9YO: It’s a pleasure.
9YO: (ripping me off) bYeEeE (slams down phone).
Damn y’ulle. I haven’t felt so scared of a human subspecies in ages. And those are just 3 of the 10 auditions. After work yesterday I ran home and ate all my birth control pills at once. Do y’ulle know whether you can get pregnant by talking to a child? Feel hopelessly out of my depth.
so cherryflava wrote about the trailer park hotel opening at the Grand Daddy in Long Street and posted this fine ol’ pic of me and my bear:
Me and my boo (bear). Things are just fine now that Mama Bear's left.
should i go blonde y’ulle? should i quit my job and be goldilocks full time? i could probably do Snow White and Jasmine from Aladdin too, if i don’t cut my hair as planned on Wednesday. maybe i could sign some sort of endorsement deal with various sponsors looking to add some sort of ingenue /sex fetish appeal. maybe Jessica Simpson Hair ExtensionsTM ‘n me should talk.
have any of y’ulle ever been featured on a ‘trend blog’? not sure how i feel about it. wondering if i’ve accomplished a subconscious lifetime dream. thank goodness i wasn’t featured for not wearing panties at the Assembly / for having 8 babies / for slashing toddlers at a daycare / for being ‘too real’. all of the above would suck as trends. am feeling a bit worried because now that i have been featured once, i’ve had a taste of trend fame. i want more.
i want to BE the superbowl. i want to BE the amy winehouse beehive. i want to BE the intriguing diagram that conveys how men think about nothing but sex and beer. i want to BE the ‘funniest complain letter in the world, ever’. i want to BE sneezing baby panda.
maybe i’ll just settle for blonde. life’s confusing enough as it is. speaking of confusing, have y’ulle seen the Cadbury’s Drumming Gorilla ad 2.0? it features 2 kids who move their eyebrows to the rhythm of the backing track, and presumably, the rhythm of their souls.
hmm. really makes me think. did y’ulle rush off to the bathroom right after you favourited this on your youtube to see if you could do that with your eyebrows? i can’t, in case you were wondering. did y’ulle rush out and buy (cadbury’s) chocolate right after you saw this ad? (i didn’t. only eat lindt even though i have to draw from my mortgage to pay for it, but i’d never compromise my personalbrand 4 money). maybe this ad is aimed at kids and we just don’t get it.
do you think this ad is exploiting childrens? you know how weird childrens can be – almost every children has some sort of strange nervous tick that their parents have to wean them off through expensive therapy / ritalin / mood stabilizers / beating the shit out of them / being alcoholic parents ‘to give the kid something real 2 worry about’. i’m not sure whether advertisers should be exploiting this insight into children and family dynamics. will someone report this to the ACA? the CIA? the AA? not sure what kind of help these 2 exploited young ‘uns need. maybe someone can sponsor a doll for them so they can point out where they were touched on their faces when this ad was made.
i’m also scared of what kind of repercussions this ad is going to have. what if popular clubs like The Assembly and Bassline and 88 start playing a beaty remix of this track, thereby encouraging drunk patrons to mimic these offensively naff eyebrow movements? what if squeeky balloons become the new rave whistles / glow sticks / lollipops / vuvuzelas? what if i never stop asking silly questions on my blog followed by forward-slash-separated-variables? sigh. it’s going to be a really tough one because eyebrows are a lot harder to print branding on than rave whistles / glow sticks / lollipops / vuvuzelas, and the balloon will eventually deflate and is only a ‘temporary solution’.
not sure how to finish this post. hey look. more pictures of me as goldilocks.
Just ate some hot porridge.
Bears tell great jokes.
Posted in advertising, ambassadors, confectionary, creatives, design, experiential, my real life, personal branding, tv
Tagged 3 bears, alex, blonde, cadbury's eyebrow ad, cherryflava, children, chocolate, glow sticks, goldilocks, grand daddy, hotel, kids, long street, mark stead, marketing blog, my branded life, nervous ticks, opening, rave accessories, sky, tourettes, trailer park, trend, whistles