Tag Archives: facebook

Psychographic Profile: I am a Client Looking To Capitalise On Social Media

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
To be honest, I don’t know WTF I’m doing.
Went to some talk,
Where there was some chick,
Talking about ‘conversations not campaigns’,
She made some good points ,
She was quite hot,
Think I’m just gonna start a facebook group and ‘see how it goes’.

Back in Advertisings Heyday. Miss u

Back in 'Advertising's Heyday'. Miss u

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media ,
I just joined this site called ‘Twitter’.
Have y’all heard of it?
Not really sure what the point is,
It’s kind of like I’m talking to myself,
“Just trying to get the hang of this Twitter thing”.
I got my first follower today,
Some chick who sells Britney Spears Sex Tapes,
Guess everyone’s trying to ‘push their brand’ on Twitter,
Everyone’s an entrepreneur on the internet.

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I’m fucking sick of these little social media brats
Who come into my office with their ‘netbooks’,
And their “keynote”,
And their mobile marketing statistics,
And get their buddies to ‘tweet at me’,
And tell me ‘agencies don’t get digital’.
You know what agencies DO get? Sales.
These little social media brats know nothing about business,
About the bottom line,
Show me my ROI you little shits,
And then I’ll assign you a PO,
You little brat.
I’ve fucking built a branded empire,
And you’ve built a blog.
I’d buy and sell your blog tomorrow,
Except all you blog about is social-fucking-media.
Fuck.

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
But I’m not into this whole ‘logging in’ thing.
Besides facebook is blocked at my office,
Because my staff spend too much time on it
When they should be focusing on their targets.
Can’t I just pay you to do it for me?
Can’t you just start a facebook group?
Can’t I pay you to write my blog? Can’t be too much work?
Or what are these new things? ‘Fan pages’.
My son says ‘fan pages’ are the new thing.
Yes, my son keeps me up to date with this ‘social media stuff’
He’s 14, so he’s very in touch with ‘what’s cool’.
He also hates my guts so our family shrink recommended we ‘bond over his love for technology’.
Can you do my facebook page?

Sure Ill run your blog.

Sure I'll run your blog.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
I’m sick of spending too much money on TV ads,
Only to be outdone by our competitor brands ,
Who spent double on their TV ad,
Sucks.
Just wanted be named the Sunday Times Markinor Marketer of the Year,
So decided 2 do a ‘viral campaign’,
Hired that Zany New Media Social Word of Marketing company,
They came up with this social media ‘touchpoint plan’,
But some chick reported us to twitter.
Said we were “spamming” her.
Guess we got a little overzealous with the DMs,
Just wanted to get to a million followers soooooo bad.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I am scared.
The race is on for a best practise model,
And I have no fucking clue how to develop one.
Should have stayed in sales,
At least I got a commission,
This is just a mission,
Gonna go get lunch and stuff myself since I gave up smoking and drinking after my 1st bypass.
So scared y’all,
So scared.

Anybody out there?

Hello?


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Do y’ulle know enough about me?

Been educating myself, doing night courses and reading books by Seth Godin. Am worried that my target audience ‘can’t get enough of me’. The new branding rules dictate that I should make every part of my brand available to all my consumers across all touchpoints, and once I’ve built it, ‘they will come’. Y’ulle know you can follow my every move on twitter, right? Is that not enough?

“No matter how many battles I been in and won

No matter how many magazines on my nuts

No matter how many MC’s I eat up

Ooh ooh, it’s never enough” – Eminem


Been considering adopting contemporary strategies to amplify my consumer touch-points, such as filling in ’25 random things you didn’t know about me’ and telling y’ulle to forward it on to everyone you know. Would that be enough for you? Would filling your inbox with the minutae of my minutae make you feel ‘connected and close’ to me?

Maybe I’ll randomly search Wikipedia pages and google images and then tag y’ulle in ‘Album Artwork’. Because random images with random words on them is totally the coolest, raddest most innovative innovation ever, right? And doing it will totally make us better friends / give you more ownership of my personal brand. Wish I’d thought of it first.

Or maybe I’ll answer questions using my iTunes music playlist, and then tag y’ulle in it so I get to brag about my enlightened taste in music AND talk about myself for 10 pages (if you paste the email into MSWord).

“More and more and more” – some techno band from the 90s


Should I make a facebook app that y’ulle can spam your friends with? I will call it MyBrandedCircleofTopFriendsTM©® and if you add it I’d basically own you and spam you with facts like ‘Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla’. ❤ owning stuff, is my best. ❤ vanilla.

And even if you find 25 random facts about me annoying, you can always sympathise with how desperate I am to be ‘unique’ and how desperate I am for you to see me as your higly unique and interesting friend, that I’d  FWD you an excuse to talk about myself and my enlightened musical choices that include radiohead, MGMT, crystal castles, Perfect Circle, CSS and that guitar dude from Deep Purple whose new album is called something like Professor Snatchifunkius or something.

Whatever y’ulle. You just let me know if you need more random, narcissistic info disguised as a friendship-bond-building exercise. I understand if it’s ‘never enough’. BFFs 4 eva y’ulle. 4eva is not enough.

“Gimme gimme more, gimme more, gimme gimme more,” – Britney Jean Spears

Just want yulle to be okay with how much you know me. Want to be there for yulle. Want us 2 engage meaningfully at all strategic touchpoints. Want my POS to be like a warm hand in the night. Want my visibility to be visible.

Just want y'ulle to be okay with how much you 'know me'. Want to be there for y'ulle. Want us 2 engage meaningfully at all strategic touchpoints. Want my POS to be like a warm hand in the night. Want my visibility to be visible.

i’m gonna add you. and then delete you. i’m gonna add you.

Strangers are just friends waiting to be met. Lets just be strangers.

Strangers are just friends waiting to be met. "Let's just be strangers".

today i’m going through my facebook friends list, and checking it twice. feel like some of your wide-angle profile pics aren’t really doing much for my reading pleasure. and now that marketing has reached glorious new heights, if i delete you, you’ll know. because i’m gonna get something out of deleting you. i’m gonna get a free burger. that’s right, a free burger.

Me and my best facebook friend. We have so much fun.

Me and my best facebook friend. We have so much fun.

it’s no big deal. we were never great friends anyway. i met you through a friend of a friend and you’d just read Hey Whipple and you thought we had soooo much in common. i accepted your friend request because i figured i might be able to use you for my own gain, some day. delete.

We had this amazing connection. Yeah. Its called the internet.

"We had this amazing connection." Yeah. It's called "the internet".

and it ain’t no thang with you either. we went to primary school together, back when it was still called ‘primary school’. i had a crush on you because i was limited for choice. now i see your insipid little face for what it is: white trash. delete.

Friendship is only real when the age gap is at least 15 years and you all sit on a bus together.

Friendship is only real when the age gap is at least 15 years and you all sit on a bus together.

as for you. i met you one night backstage at some band thing i was covering. back when i used to write for that cute little mag that liked to think of itself as a post-modern Rolling Stone. later that night you covered yourself in your own vomit. it’s the only thing we talk about, when i actually reply to your mails. delete.

Real friends like to get their digits stuck in finger traps for days (forces intimate conversation and sharing of living spaces, boyfriends, etc).

Real friends like to get their digits stuck in finger traps for days (forces intimate conversation and sharing of living spaces, boyfriends, etc).

and then of course, there’s you. i guess there was a time when i might have called you my ‘boss’. guess that was back before you revealed yourself to be a liar. you lied about the job description, you lied about company resources, you lied to your clients, and then you were caught plagiarising. real world’s a bitch. delete.

Youre not officially friends until you have an attic clubhouse where you can look at each others clothes and talk about having a yard sale.

You're not officially "friends" until you have an attic clubhouse where you can look at each others clothes and talk about having a yard sale.

hey. it’s you! we were best friends once. now we lurk around each other’s profiles, spying on each other’s friends, reading a little too much into everything. i still like you, though. you can stay.

Youre not friends until youre a band of white horses, running free and groovy through the electro orchards of contemporary Cape Town.

You're not friends until you're a band of white horses, running free and groovy through the electro orchards of contemporary Cape Town.

oh, but you. i don’t even know how i know you, though facebook says we have 15 friends in common. i don’t even know what you look like. you could be Sadam Hussein for all i know. but no. you are some arb with some arb name, polluting my news feed with your status updates and your photo tags and your notes. you send me requests to put me on your BFF birthday calendar, and you send me growing gifts. this isn’t healthy. i’m ending this for us. maybe some day our paths will cross and we will never even know that we were once fbook friends. until then, adieu. delete.

Were not friends until you adore me and carry me around.

We're not friends until you adore me and carry me around.

hey you. we once lived together, for a bit. we could have been best friends, but life – and a landlord – got in the way. every time i see your status i feel a little guilty because i should see you more. since i feel guilty about everything from putting an extra half spoon of sugar in my tea (bad G.I.) to not updating my blog to ignoring my phone on the odd Friday night (ok, every Friday night), i’m gonna scrape your name off my guilt platter, to give myself a break. love ya. delete.

Were not friends until we cross a cultural barrier and offend the people we love. So i can stroke your soft white feathers.

We're not friends until we cross a cultural barrier and offend the people we love. So i can stroke your soft white feathers.

oh, and you! we once worked together for that lame promo company. i was nice to you because everyone pretended to be nice to everyone. the truth is i think you’re bland, dull and gormless. delete.

*********************************************************2 more to go til burger time….******************************************

and then there is you, mr generic person who added me because all your friends added me. there’s no nice way to say this but…you’re lame. go tag a wall in Rondebosch or something. delete.

Were not friends until you take ambient shots of me with your Polaroid in your bedroom.

We're not friends until you take ambient shots of me with your Polaroid in your bedroom.

and lastly, we have you, friend of friends. you, who has not much else to talk about (not that we talk – by talk i mean ‘update your fbook status’) but how drunk you got last night. or how hungover you are this morning. it’s like being inside the Ground Hog Day of your Loser’s Complex. as fascinating as it is to read about how drunk you did / can / will / want to get, i’m sorry, it’s time for you to go now. delete.

Were not friends unless youre a little white bird that brings me dreams while i sleep.

We're not friends unless you're a little white bird that brings me dreams while i sleep.

and now. for my burger. mwah ha ha. see you in fbook hell, fuckers.


for the record, i don’t discriminate.

i just want y’ulle to know something. there are copywriters out there who discriminate against briefs. they see some briefs as ‘not being cool enough’ for them, so they give them less attention and do things like run around the studio making a noise and being ‘zany’ and ‘crazy’. i am not one of those copywriters. in my eyes, every brief is equal. every brief deserves to be treated like an allan gray tv ad, even if it’s a simple promotion.

If there is ever a flood in the agency i will take a pair of every brief so that when we begin advertising life anew all the briefs can mate and make new briefs and life will be preserved. The meek briefs will inherit the earth.

If there is ever a flood in the agency i will take a pair of every brief so that when we begin advertising life anew all the briefs can mate and make new briefs and life will be preserved. The meek briefs will inherit the earth.

********************************DO YOU KNOW ANY DISKRIMINATORS?*******************

discriminators give copywriters a bad name. they make us seem like shallow dimwits who are only looking out for the next pun we can make, or the next LOERIE D&AD GRAND PLATINUM PRIX EAGLE we can win. really, being a copywriter is about so much more. it is about giving a voice to the brands that shape our minds / homes / wardrobes / poor sense of self-image / addiction to sex/spending/eating / addicition to the hot fragrance ads in glossy magazines / loyalty programmes that give us free coffees/half a book/points we can collect like Diaper Babies / personality disorders. it is about giving people ready-made opinions so they can get on with the important stuff like changing nappies and choosing Low G.I. it’s about helping humans judge and discriminate against other humans. but it is certainly not about winning awards.

********************************************************************************************

Did you hear? I won a Grand Pencil Loerie Lion on Saturday. Yeah no big deal its my tenth one. Do you believe me about how i am awesome now? Huh? Because if you dont Ill just win another one and then you wont be able to deny my awesomeness any longer. PS after i eat i make myself puke.

Did you hear? I won a Grand Pencil Loerie Lion on Saturday. Yeah no big deal it's my tenth one. Do you believe me about how i am awesome now? Huh? Because if you don't I'll just win another one and then you won't be able to deny my awesomeness any longer. PS after i eat i make myself puke.

“It is a writer’s duty to come up with fancy ways of saying normal things so that people don’t realise how boring life actually is, and to encourage them to eat more fatty burgers because living for a long time while not being excessively wealthy is not much fun.” – Bill Bernbach

I once read this saying about how artists make art to escape from reality. Do you think copywriters and art directors make ads to escape from art? sometimes art is too meaningful to me and i cannot access the message because i am too used to brands delivering very clear messages to me and teaching me how to think and communicate clearly. i think art taught me that there are people out there who are searching for such extreme experiences that they would pay money for something that i made even though it looks like shit. miss those days. but i try to apply that learning when i am designing and conceptualising brand experiences, ie. i make them as extreme and experience-ful as possible, because there are obviously many people out there who have logged into the void that all of us humans feel inside, or, VOIDBOOK, as i like to call it.

Would you like to add the Deep Down Inside We All Just Want To Be Loved Application?

Would you like to add the "Deep Down Inside We All Just Want To Be Loved" Application?

How to deal with a discriminator:

Discriminators are tricky to deal with because they have a niggling suspicion that they are more awesome than anything in the world. I would have this advice for you:

Point out their physical flaws. It’s a cheap shot, but it works. Telling a discriminator they should lay off the Vida Muffins will cause them to brood for a good few hours because they will be struggling to deal with the fact that you don’t think they are wholly and utterly awesome.

Use the brooding time to question whether awards actually mean anything in the greater scheme of things. This is like kicking them when they are down. Because they have had a loss of confidence, they will entertain your line of questioning. Suddenly, they will not feel so awesome.

Use this crisis of self-esteem to toss out the saying “Ah life. You’re only as good as your last ad you know,” at random. The discriminator will take it personally, and probably blush as they realise you’re trying to tell them that their attitude has run away with their talent. Now would be a good time to push the brief that’s being discriminated against across the desk and say ‘Take a look at this when you get a chance?” The discriminating copywriter will get right on it.

its all about finding a balance.

Remember y'ulle: it's all about finding a balance.

psychoblog: dealing with my issues part IV

i’m trying to work through my issues with rejection at the moment. two jobs that i’ve been working on just got rejected by a client – for ‘circumstantial reasons’. you know, client had nothing against the ideas, but the one was a mission to produce and the other one was ‘too clever for the target audience’. that’s like breaking up with someone and telling them ‘you’re too good for my love. you deserve someone better’.

Apparently writing poetry can help alleviate feelings of isolation and depression. Writing poetry can also make you seem quite deep and connected to the truth of the human condition, which will translate into a vague sense of authenticity when people talk to you, which they will trust. People will say things behind your back like, I like that girl. She seems real.

Apparently writing poetry can help alleviate feelings of isolation and depression. Writing poetry can also make you seem quite deep and connected to the truth of the human condition, which will translate into a vague sense of authenticity when people talk to you, which they will trust. People will say things behind your back like, "I like that girl. She seems real."


now deep down i know that fear of rejection comes from low self esteem and feeling like i’m not worthy of love. does anyone know of any shortcuts / quick fixes to make yourself feel better about yourself?like get an art director to take pics of me and then photoshop them and upload them onto my Facebook so my frendz comment about how hot i am? or get a fish eye lens Lomo and take pics of myself and scan and upload them onto my Myspace so my frendz comment on how hot i am? maybe i should use my digicam to take pics of myself and upload them onto my Flickr so my frendz comment on how hot i am?

OMG LOL I look so bad here, was having the WoRsT hair day evaaar! Plus Ive put on sooo much weight you guys. Please promise me you WONT let me eat any more KFC Twisters, OK??! OMG I feel so fat.

"OMG LOL I look so bad here, was having the WoRsT hair day evaaar! Plus I've put on sooo much weight you guys. Please promise me you WON'T let me eat any more KFC Twister's, OK??! OMG I feel so fat."


***does anyone know of any other quick fixes for self-esteem issues?*** i have heard drinking alcohol helps, as does having sex with strangers. the problem with alcohol is that what you drink makes such a big statement about who you are and i’m not sure i can make big decisions while i’m low like this. and i think sex with strangers would be really awkward without alcohol.

rejection hurts y’ulle. you don’t know what it’s like being judged on the physical appearance of your ideas everyday. copywriting seems so glamourous but it can seriously damage you if you don’t have a tough skin.

are you peeing in the pool? because we put that stuff in that makes the water turn red when you do. so we’ll know it’s you. just so you know.

as some of you may know, i have left facebook. not completely – i haven’t deleted my account – but i won’t be logging in again any time soon, and i have joined the Facebook Suicide cult which means from 12 December you will no longer be able to write on my wall or send me your stupid applications. which begs the questions….

“But Alex, how will this affect your online presence? Isn’t deleting your facebook taking a huge swipe at all the hard blogging you’ve done so far? Can you still be a credible new media consultant without a facebook account? You must be hanging out online SOMEWHERE, so where is it?”

My answer to this relevant line of questioning would be:

Facebook is for laggards. If you don’t know what laggards are, here’s a handy little graph all of us fall onto in some way, whether you like it or not.

This could be you.

This could be you.

Before you start telling me how unique you are and how you don’t buy into society’s idea of who you are and what other people think, let me stop you by saying, i don’t give a shit, because every product you ever buy and every service you ever buy into and every magazine you pick up and read or even gloss over, will place you somewhere on one of these graphs. denying it would be like denying god, or jacob zuma. you might not agree with them, or like them, but they are as real as the macbook you’re staring at. and now you know.

*************************************************************************

Question: For those of you who ARE concerned with where you fall on Roger’s Curve of Adoption, do you think it’s only right for companies and services to place a warning on what they’re selling, kind of like the health warnings on cigarette packs?

What? You just dropped 2k on these? Sucks for you. Dont you remember Fergie singing about these babies way back when? Seven Jeans, True Religion, I say no but they keep giving. That was back when she was still part of Black Eyed Peas. Almost 3 years ago. And you thought they would make you cool? Dont say you didnt, because how else do you explain dropping 2k on jeans? Its okay. If anyone notices just say youre going retro for summer. Also, if you bring up the Nerd is the new cool trend in conversation while wearing these you might be able to loop yourself back in time to early majority. But be warned - thats only going to keep you safe for about a month before youre right back in late majority. Trends move fast, yo.

What? You just dropped 2k on these? Sucks for you. Don't you remember Fergie singing about these babies way back when? "Seven Jeans, True Religion, I say no but they keep giving." That was back when she was still part of Black Eyed Peas. That was MY HUMPS. Almost 3 years ago. And you thought they would make you cool? Don't say you didn't, because how else do you explain dropping 2k on jeans? It's okay. If anyone notices just say you're 'going retro for summer'. Also, if you bring up the 'Being uncool is the new cool trend' in conversation while wearing these you might be able to loop yourself back in time to early majority. But be warned - that's only going to keep you safe for about a month before you're right back in late majority. Trends move fast, yo.

********************************************************************

BACK TO THE TOPIC:

So, as i was saying, I’m not on facebook. And I’ve given you my reason. So I guess the new question is WHERE ARE THE INNOVATORS RIGHT NOW? They’re here.

Even though this moment this post goes live, they will have to find somewhere else to be. But hey. Sometimes its good to take a break from innovating and just sit pretty like bullfrogs in the crisp cool waters of the Early Majority Pool. We’ll have about 6 months in there before the Late Majorities start peeing in it, and then the neighbourhood will eventually go stale as the Laggards move in, bring their waterwinged kids and coolerboxes full of the Diesel SFW XXX video. Enjoy it while it lasts.

existential crisis: should i send myself the Asp application?

I dont want to live on your friendslist anymore. Life has no meaning.

I don't want to live on your friendslist anymore. Life has no meaning.

so i’ve been thinking a lot about committing facebook suicide. i mean, it used to be fun, but now that i’ve been clean for so long it just feels a bit irrelevant to my life.it wasn’t always this way. i was once a junkie too, online pretty much all day, commenting on walls, sending people growing gifts. i never stooped so low as to send the What is your Stripper Name app, and i am proud to say that i was never desperate enough to add the Zombie vs Werewolves app, but i was right in there. i was poking back.

One of the worlds most devastating wars. Ever. We are still slightly crippled from the damage it caused to the world economy.

One of the world's most devastating wars. Ever. There are some who say the Poke War of 2007 is what's responsible for the present crash of the world's economy.

then, i changed jobs, and my new employer blocked facebook all day except for an hour at lunch. and not even the withdrawal pangs could keep me at my desk at lunch just to check facebook. turns out it was for the best, because once i’d had a long enough break i realised just what a shadow of myself i’d become (ok quite a pretty, airbrushed, pouting shadow, but still a shadow), slave to this glorified message board.

Look how hot I am.

Look how hot I am.

Me in Real Life Book.

Me in Real Life Book.


the thing is, so many of my friends are still hooked and very much caught up in its web. and, like some of my smoker friends who know that I’ve quit, they continue to offer me cigarettes in the form of L’il Green Patch application invites, to which i am always tempted to respond:

Dont send me apps. Srsly. If I wanted it Id already have it.

Don't send me apps. Srsly. If I wanted it I'd already have it.

The only reason I can see to keep my account open is to provide people with a place they can go to find my email address and my web addresses. maybe i should delete everything except my most basic information. but even that seems like too much effort.to me, facebook is one of those 2007 fads. the online equivalent of the palestinian scarf or the shutter shades.
I just dont want to be in a committed scarf relationship right now. But you will always be in my heart.

I just don't want to be in a committed scarf relationship right now. But you will always be in my heart.

An ancient relic. Yes people used to actually wear these. You can find fossils in Margate from the Loerie Awards back in 2008.

An ancient relic. Yes people used to actually wear these. You can find fossils in Margate from the Loerie Awards back in 2008.

i am still in a quandary about what the right thing to do is. i am worried that if i commit facebook suicide my facebook life insurance won’t pay out and i will go to facebook hell. or does facebook send its unhappy souls to facebook heaven? what is facebook heaven? is it filled with pokes and pouts? hopefully no one reading this knows the answer to that question.