Tag Archives: fear

Psychographic Profile: I am a Client Looking To Capitalise On Social Media

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
To be honest, I don’t know WTF I’m doing.
Went to some talk,
Where there was some chick,
Talking about ‘conversations not campaigns’,
She made some good points ,
She was quite hot,
Think I’m just gonna start a facebook group and ‘see how it goes’.

Back in Advertisings Heyday. Miss u

Back in 'Advertising's Heyday'. Miss u

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media ,
I just joined this site called ‘Twitter’.
Have y’all heard of it?
Not really sure what the point is,
It’s kind of like I’m talking to myself,
“Just trying to get the hang of this Twitter thing”.
I got my first follower today,
Some chick who sells Britney Spears Sex Tapes,
Guess everyone’s trying to ‘push their brand’ on Twitter,
Everyone’s an entrepreneur on the internet.

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

Hey There, Thanks for the follow!

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I’m fucking sick of these little social media brats
Who come into my office with their ‘netbooks’,
And their “keynote”,
And their mobile marketing statistics,
And get their buddies to ‘tweet at me’,
And tell me ‘agencies don’t get digital’.
You know what agencies DO get? Sales.
These little social media brats know nothing about business,
About the bottom line,
Show me my ROI you little shits,
And then I’ll assign you a PO,
You little brat.
I’ve fucking built a branded empire,
And you’ve built a blog.
I’d buy and sell your blog tomorrow,
Except all you blog about is social-fucking-media.
Fuck.

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
But I’m not into this whole ‘logging in’ thing.
Besides facebook is blocked at my office,
Because my staff spend too much time on it
When they should be focusing on their targets.
Can’t I just pay you to do it for me?
Can’t you just start a facebook group?
Can’t I pay you to write my blog? Can’t be too much work?
Or what are these new things? ‘Fan pages’.
My son says ‘fan pages’ are the new thing.
Yes, my son keeps me up to date with this ‘social media stuff’
He’s 14, so he’s very in touch with ‘what’s cool’.
He also hates my guts so our family shrink recommended we ‘bond over his love for technology’.
Can you do my facebook page?

Sure Ill run your blog.

Sure I'll run your blog.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
I’m sick of spending too much money on TV ads,
Only to be outdone by our competitor brands ,
Who spent double on their TV ad,
Sucks.
Just wanted be named the Sunday Times Markinor Marketer of the Year,
So decided 2 do a ‘viral campaign’,
Hired that Zany New Media Social Word of Marketing company,
They came up with this social media ‘touchpoint plan’,
But some chick reported us to twitter.
Said we were “spamming” her.
Guess we got a little overzealous with the DMs,
Just wanted to get to a million followers soooooo bad.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

Watch me do this dance about our new offering.

I am a client-looking-to-capitalise-on-social-media,
And I am scared.
The race is on for a best practise model,
And I have no fucking clue how to develop one.
Should have stayed in sales,
At least I got a commission,
This is just a mission,
Gonna go get lunch and stuff myself since I gave up smoking and drinking after my 1st bypass.
So scared y’all,
So scared.

Anybody out there?

Hello?


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Copywriter vs. 9-Year-Olds. 9-Year-Olds win.

Yesterday I had to audition a whole bunch of 9-year-olds over the phone for a radio ad. These are some of the transcripts:


Audition 1

9YO:    Hello? HELLO?
Me:    Hi sweetie, what’s your name?
9YO:    Melusi. Mrs Peers said I must phone you and tell you who I am.
Me:    Thanks Melusi, my name is Alex, and I’m going to be auditioning you for a radio ad, is that cool?
9YO:    (bored) Yes I spose so.
Me:    (apologetic) It won’t take long. Now the ad is about four 9-year old kids who are telling each other what they got their moms for mother’s day.
9YO:    I got my mom flowers.
Me:    That’s lovely. Now I’m going to read a line from the ad, and you’re going to say it back to me, is that okay?
9YO:    Okay.
Me:    Says line.
9YO:    (angry) I don’t like that line.
Me:    (apologetic) Oh, I’m sorry… (regaining control) well if you can’t read it we’ll get another little boy to read it.
9YO:    No one will want to say that.
Me:    Why not?
9YO:    Because it’s stupid. It’s stupid.
Me:    Thanks Melusi, I have to go now.
9YO:    Bye!

**********

Audition 2

9YO:    (very softly) HellothisisRobinherecanIspeaktoAlex.
Me:    Hello Robin, this is Alex love, how are you?
9YO:    I’mfinethankyouhowareyou.
Me:    Good  thanks. Robin I’m going to be auditioning you for a radio ad, are you cool with that?
9YO:    (barely audible) Yes.
Me:    Awesome. Okay, I’m going to read you the line I’d like you to say, and then you’re going to say it back to me. You think you can do that?
9YO:    (barely audible) yes.
Me:    Okay. Here’s the line. Says line.
9YO:    (barely audible) spspspspspspspspspspsps.
Me:    Good Robyn, but you have a very gentle voice, do you think you could say it one more time, just a little louder?
9YO:    Ok.spspspspspspspspspspsp
Me:    Just a little louder, honey?
SFX:    Phone goes dead.

******

Audition 3

Me:    Hello?
9YO:    (very proper) Hello may I speak to Miss Alex please.
Me:    I am Alex, who am I speaking to?
9YO:    You are speaking to Robert. How do you do?
Me:    (chucking to myself) I do fine, Robert, how do you do?
9YO:    I am very good thank you. I am calling to be in the radio ad.
Me:    That’s great Robert. It’s very simple, I’m going to give you a line, and you’re going to say it back to me as if you’re bragging, okay?
9YO:    That sounds fine.
Me:     Says line.
9YO:    Says line back, but very politely, no bragging at all.
Me:    That was great Robert. Do you think you could say it one more time, as if you’re boasting about what a great gift you got your Mom for Mother’s Day?
9YO:    It’s very rude to boast Miss Alex. Jesus tells us not to boast.
Me:    You’re right Robert, but this is make-believe, it’s just for an ad, it’s not real boasting. Just play-boasting.
9YO:    (yelling into the background) Moooooooom! This lady wants me to boast!
Mother: (from background) Just do what she says Robert.
9YO:    Fine. Says line again, boasting perfectly.
Me:    Robert, that was great! I’m going to get our producer to give you a call in the week and set up a time for a recording, okay?
9YO:   (sounding weary) No, rather have your producer call my agent.
Me:    I’ll do that. Thank you for calling Robert.
9YO:    It’s a pleasure.
Me:    Bye.
9YO:    (ripping me off) bYeEeE (slams down phone).

**************

Damn y’ulle. I haven’t felt so scared of a human subspecies in ages. And those are just 3 of the 10 auditions. After work yesterday I ran home and ate all my birth control pills at once. Do y’ulle know whether you can get pregnant by talking to a child? Feel hopelessly out of my depth.


weekly round up vibes: soccer, balls and witches

self-discovery is really important. in this day and age, knowing yourself is almost as important as knowing your enemies when it comes to keeping a competitve edge in the advertising industry. this week i discovered something about myself that i never knew: i am freaking petrified of a soccer ball. luckily i discovered this while i was on the soccer pitch, about to make Jupiter proud as the only (legitimate) girl, so i was able to face my fears right there and then. i faced them by turning my back on the ball and running the other way. in me, the survival instinct is strong. some snaps of the event:

Very enthusiastic crowd of supporters despite awful wind. Note the sign in the background.

Very enthusiastic crowd of supporters despite awful wind. Note the sign in the background.

The sign in the background reads:

“Yet another pitch TBWA wasn’t invited to.”

Very funny. Much LOL. Jupiter’s doing (in fineprint it reads jobs@jupiterct.co.za). One of the highlights of the evening was Fred getting into a fight with some dude from FCB. There was pushing and shoving and pulling apart – for reals. Great stuff. I wouldn’t want to fight with Fred. I mean, who would.

Crazy eyes. Our Fred.

Crazy eyes. Our Fred.

The old open your beer with your teeth trick. Our Fred.

The old 'open your beer with your teeth' trick. Our Fred.

Fred may be mad, but to his credit he once went an entire day without noticing that we’d placed a penis in a picture frame on his desk. He has that kind of focus. That dedication to his craft as Creative Director that makes him so valuable. Also, he’s French, and can make your ‘fuck’ sound like ‘oh poo’. All-in-all, much fun was had, despite the freezing wind.

The more teeth you show the more fun youre having. Standard rules.

The more teeth you show the more fun you're having. Standard rules.

on Friday, Good Hope FM came to the agency and we planted VonBrandis’s fart machine right beneath the DJ’s mike to make things a little more interesting. of course, what seemed like sheer genius at the time fell a little flat since we couldn’t hear it going off. we hope listeners did though.

Brrrlllllrrlllfffffft.

"Brrrlllllrrlllfffffft."

Ha Ha Fart Machine LOL Shhhh.

Ha Ha Fart Machine LOL Shhhh.

the weekend went by pleasantly – spent most of it lazing in the sun trying to brown the pasty chops since it was the first fully sunny hot as hell weekend since the piffly teasers we’ve been having. went shopping on sunday and was totally talked out of buying OMO by one of the Skip witches, who are totally the coolest promo ladies i have seen in a while. the fact that i’m talking about promo ladies says a whole lot.

Sexy Skip witches. In A Gardens Centre Pick n Pay near you.

Sexy Skip witches. In A Gardens Centre Pick 'n Pay near you.