Tag Archives: magazines

Are you there Standard Bank / Nike / American Swiss / Pick ‘n Pay / Woolworths / Gucci / Hunter’s Dry / True Religion / Apple? it’s me, Alex.

Dear Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands that factor me into your marketing strats,

I feel a little lost. I have come to you seeking guidance in a difficult time. I feel very alone, and I have tough decisions to make, and chewy issues, and I need ur guidance. I will outline my problems and use some graphs to help you understand.

What should I be doing with my life? I am at the tender age where I go from falling in the 18 – 24 demographic to the 25 – 30 demographic. I am not sure what I should be wearing / doing with my free time / which magazines I should be reading / which websites I should be reading / which TV stations I should be watching / which ads I should be consuming / which bank I should be using / which cellphone network will give me the most bundled benefits. It’s all very confusing for me. Can you maybe send me a copy of the 25 Year-Old White Girl LSM 8-10 Manual so I can photocopy this phase in my life? I’ll basically buy whatever you tell me to, Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands, but you gotta speak to me.

Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purchasing purpose?

Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purchasing purpose?

What should my income be? What should I be doing for a living? Am I in a lucrative career? What should I be drinking? I feel lost, Lifestyle Brands. What is my Corporate Identity? What should my logo be? What should my facebook status (payoff line) read?

Dear God Brand pls send me a t-shirt angel kthnks bye.

Dear Lifestyle Brands Please help me define myself as interesting, unique and 'going places'. Maybe give me a t-shirt or something. I feel like t-shirts do a good job of telling ppl who i am.

Yesterday I went to the bank and they told me the only difference between their card packages was the price and the colour of the cards. Help me, Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands. I really want a White Gold Platinum Black Dining Express Club  Card but I will have to pay more in card fees. Why is the world like this? Life is so unfair.

Graph explaining unfairness of life.

Graph explaining unfairness of life.

Dear Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands, why is there war in Iraq? Is it because George Bush opened a new Nike Sweatshop there? Why did that man slash all those babies in Belgium? Was it because his mom put him in Pampers not Cuddlers when he was little? Why do we have to keep reading articles about Julius Malema? Is he a ‘subliminal ambassador’ for MacDonald’s? Is it because he wears really pointy shoes from Spitz, making him ‘highly quotable’?

Julius Malema, head of the ANC Youth League.

Julius Malema, head of the ANC Youth League.

Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands, I know some people don’t believe in you. But I believe in you. I need you. I need you to tell me who I am based on what I should buy and where I fall into your marketing strategies. I will do whatever you say. Your love is all-embracing. Keep it real.

Alex

PS. I can’t be reached through TV ads and I don’t read magazines, and I will defriend you if you SMS me, so do something real amazing to catch my attention. Free stuff is prob your best bet. Cool.

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are you peeing in the pool? because we put that stuff in that makes the water turn red when you do. so we’ll know it’s you. just so you know.

as some of you may know, i have left facebook. not completely – i haven’t deleted my account – but i won’t be logging in again any time soon, and i have joined the Facebook Suicide cult which means from 12 December you will no longer be able to write on my wall or send me your stupid applications. which begs the questions….

“But Alex, how will this affect your online presence? Isn’t deleting your facebook taking a huge swipe at all the hard blogging you’ve done so far? Can you still be a credible new media consultant without a facebook account? You must be hanging out online SOMEWHERE, so where is it?”

My answer to this relevant line of questioning would be:

Facebook is for laggards. If you don’t know what laggards are, here’s a handy little graph all of us fall onto in some way, whether you like it or not.

This could be you.

This could be you.

Before you start telling me how unique you are and how you don’t buy into society’s idea of who you are and what other people think, let me stop you by saying, i don’t give a shit, because every product you ever buy and every service you ever buy into and every magazine you pick up and read or even gloss over, will place you somewhere on one of these graphs. denying it would be like denying god, or jacob zuma. you might not agree with them, or like them, but they are as real as the macbook you’re staring at. and now you know.

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Question: For those of you who ARE concerned with where you fall on Roger’s Curve of Adoption, do you think it’s only right for companies and services to place a warning on what they’re selling, kind of like the health warnings on cigarette packs?

What? You just dropped 2k on these? Sucks for you. Dont you remember Fergie singing about these babies way back when? Seven Jeans, True Religion, I say no but they keep giving. That was back when she was still part of Black Eyed Peas. Almost 3 years ago. And you thought they would make you cool? Dont say you didnt, because how else do you explain dropping 2k on jeans? Its okay. If anyone notices just say youre going retro for summer. Also, if you bring up the Nerd is the new cool trend in conversation while wearing these you might be able to loop yourself back in time to early majority. But be warned - thats only going to keep you safe for about a month before youre right back in late majority. Trends move fast, yo.

What? You just dropped 2k on these? Sucks for you. Don't you remember Fergie singing about these babies way back when? "Seven Jeans, True Religion, I say no but they keep giving." That was back when she was still part of Black Eyed Peas. That was MY HUMPS. Almost 3 years ago. And you thought they would make you cool? Don't say you didn't, because how else do you explain dropping 2k on jeans? It's okay. If anyone notices just say you're 'going retro for summer'. Also, if you bring up the 'Being uncool is the new cool trend' in conversation while wearing these you might be able to loop yourself back in time to early majority. But be warned - that's only going to keep you safe for about a month before you're right back in late majority. Trends move fast, yo.

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BACK TO THE TOPIC:

So, as i was saying, I’m not on facebook. And I’ve given you my reason. So I guess the new question is WHERE ARE THE INNOVATORS RIGHT NOW? They’re here.

Even though this moment this post goes live, they will have to find somewhere else to be. But hey. Sometimes its good to take a break from innovating and just sit pretty like bullfrogs in the crisp cool waters of the Early Majority Pool. We’ll have about 6 months in there before the Late Majorities start peeing in it, and then the neighbourhood will eventually go stale as the Laggards move in, bring their waterwinged kids and coolerboxes full of the Diesel SFW XXX video. Enjoy it while it lasts.