Tag Archives: politics

post-election special: why it’s all going to be okay

Hey y’ulle. Hope y’all are revelling in your public holiday. And revelling in the fact that there’s another one on friday. Such happy times. So i just want to touch base with all my readers about how everyone feels about elections. I, personally, am pretty happy with the results. I think the DA got a fair majority in the Western Cape (let’s face it, most ppl here just ain’t that into you, ANC), and ANC didn’t get some power-mad 2/3 majority so it’s all gonna be fine.

I also had this epiphany while chatting to my boyfriend. My boyfriend loves Kung Fu Panda, and we were contemplating renting it a 37th time for him to watch while I write, when a srsly deep thought struck me. You know how in Kung Fu Panda, there’s this elite force of trained Kung Fu warriors, all hoping to be the Dragon Warrior, and all of them totally qualified to be the Dragon Warrior? Except the wise turtle dude knows that none of these super efficient smart animals are supposed to be the dragon warrior, and names an inept, bumbling ol’ fat panda to be the Dragon Warrior. And then everyone flips out because he’s obviously underqualified to be some super Dragon Warrior dude – but that’s the whole point. Some times it’s the most unlikely person who’s fate is to be the Dragon Warrior, and you just have to accept that even a fat bumbling Panda can be trusted with the great secret hidden within the Dragon Scroll, which will enable him to do the right thing at the right time that makes everything okay.

Its all gonna be okay.

It's all gonna be okay.

And that’s all I wanted to share with y’all. He Who Shall Not Be Named shall henceforth be known on this blog as Kung Fu Panda. And I believe in him, because I believe in the universe working for the greater good. Peace y’ulle.

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voting special: celebrity endorsement of the year

Love is free, yall.

Love is free, y'all.

you gotta give it to Nando’s. they took on the nation’s most notorious stand-up comedian, Julius Malema, and he, very predictably, just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. in his threats and tyrades he’s come up with some of the raddest viral material. it’s the kind of stuff you just can’t write. it’s amazing. check this out:

“If Nando’s does not withdraw the adverts, the ANCYL will mobilise the people of South Africa to take militant action against Nando’s and anything associated with Nando’s.” – the ANC League of Extraordinary Youthgentlemen

it’s just too good. this is the kind of name drop most brands can only DREAM about getting in their wildest brandy dreams. and it gets better. they even use the word ‘instruct‘ – totally awesome:

“While awaiting the legal advice, the ANCYL instructs the Nando’s company and those who did the advertisement to promptly withdraw the advert from all television screens and radio channels.” – ANC League Of Extraordinary Youths.

this – my friends – is groundbreaking advertising. this campaign deserves the Grand Black Clio Lion Loerie Eagle Prix best use of PR / social media / digital / tv / integrated / craft / viral / radness / tactical / extreme LOL category.

Nandos 4 EVA.

Nando's 4 EVA.

I hope the agency is getting their Loerie Stage Gimmick together. Would suck to win this big and be unprepared to do something zany and memorable on stage. Now’s your chance to introduce your personal creative brands to the industry – don’t be shy now.


psychographic profile: i am a white South African

I am a white South African.
This makes it my duty to a) complain and
b) complain about whatever’s done in response to my complaints.
I have a blog, and a twitter page, and a small audience. I am an ‘influencer’.
So I feel the need to influence, but also, to point out how refined,
educated and intellectuarllll I am.

I am a white South African and even though I,
like most educated people in this country,
am petrified of He Who Shall Not Be Named becoming President,
I’m not going to go right out and say it because that would not be very
politically correct, progressive or liberal.
(also it would be laaaaank obvious bro, need to ‘be special’).
Instead I will complain about ‘government’ as an homogeneous mass
and focus my complaints on white people in government
so my white friends understand just how liberal and progressive I am.

I am a white South African,
Maintaining my positioning as liberal is highly NB,
because my white friends believe that if you are not liberal, you are racist
and there are no grey areas in between.
My educated black friends LOL at me behind my back,
but mostly they pity me and my suppressed fear,
and send me digital snaps from London, where they have moved,
which I complain about,
because if black people are moving overseas,
then things must be bad.

I am a white South African,
and
I am paranoid about coming across as racist
because we have the sins of our “fathers” forced on us
all the time by our scapegoat-loving government and its
sycophantic media,
even though most of our fathers were actually against Apartheid,
but they had as much choice then
as we do now when it comes to policy (ie. No choice)
but you can bet your lobola
that I’m going to complain about it.

I am a white South African
(and proudly so)
and I’m going to complain
and through my interlektuarll complaining
I’m going to be superior to my fellow men
(who will complain about my complaints because they are as scared as me)
but I’m going to complain with pride
because I am a South African
And this is my home
and I don’t want to leave this country to complain somewhere else
I want to feel safe when I complain down the streets
and I want my children to feel safe about complaining while they play
I want women to feel that they can complain without suffering abuse
or discrimination

I am a white South African
even though South Africa’s a political mess
I’m going to stay and fight for my right to complain in the country of my birth.

I shall complain about the beaches
I shall complain about the landing grounds
I shall complain about the fields and the streets
I shall complain about the hills
and I shall never surrender


new world order etc.

i almost left the office now and went home without blogging about barack obama getting elected president. and then i thought about how my kids would feel (if i ever decide to download some kids) when they ask me one day:

“Mommy where were you when B.O. was elected president? Mommy, what’s it like to have a human president? Mommy, what’s it like to have a president who doesn’t wear sponsored clothing? Mommy, what was the official sponsor of the Electionz Oh-Eight? Mommy, will you gift me a facebook cookie pleeeeeeeze?”

And my answer would go something like:

“I was in Chicago, standing in the crowd, feeling the pulse of the anticipation, palpable, real, filled with hope that light may come to this great country at last,” which is totally true since the HDTVs in the change rooms at gym are pretty much like being there for real, only i was able to stand naked, skin glowing from a 20 minute stint in the sauna, appreciating my personal space.

LOVE you barack. wish we were pals b4 you got all famous for being pres.

LOVE you barack. wish we were pals b4 you got all famous for being pres.

like many other people around the world, i am happy, grateful, bleeding from relief that McCain got the indifference he deserved (dude, Palin. WTF?) I feel like a miracle has happened, but i am also selfish and have a short attention span for good things that happen to other people, and i want to know where the southafricanland version of barack is. do we know any kenyans? or do we know anyone who went to harvard? srsly even if its your cousin, you should put him forward to the ANC or the Shikota party (ANC’s new rival) or we can just start small and put his face up around the Spar on Derry. Not fussed, just want to find a good candidate, and give him/her exposure.

YES WE CAN. Except not this chick because she might give the wrong message to teens and men who like teens (paeds).

YES WE CAN. Except not this chick because she might give the wrong message to teens and men who like teens (paeds).

if i drank (still can’t decide on my brand of choice, life’s hard yo) i would raise a toast to my new home (unless they find an Obama for southafricanland). LOVE being part of the brain drain. makes me feel like an elf fleeing to wherever the elves fled to at the end of Lord of the Rings. taking my magic and giving it to Obama, and he didn’t even ask. might go to Royale tonight and get a milkshake to mark this whole special occasion. happy new world order everyone. still super busy adjusting and recovering from vida e caffe scuffle injuries but promise will be back to blogging full speed soon. with my left hand, upside down.

a free and fair celebrity endorsement: please chat to client service if you have any questions.

guys. GUYS. Daniel Craig got papparazzied with a Southafricanland keyring. serial guys. i’m totally confused. one thing i have learnt from hours of gazing at celebrity websites is that celebs do NOTHING by accident. celebrities are very important people and as economy-driving-thought-leaders every little detail of their lives is planned, and is usually sold as advertising space.

i present a photo i found on cherryflava:

Diamonds are forever. And they are found in Joburg. - D Craig

"Diamonds are forever. And they are found in Joburg." - D Craig

the first question is how is Daniel Craig’s personal brand affecting the country’s brand? (actually, the first question is IS THAT REALLY DANIEL CRAIG? JEES WHAT HAPPENED HE LOOKS LIKE SHIT but let’s leave that for websites who do mean for a living)

well, he’s known for playing a super famous spy – old 007. so perhaps ‘Southafricanlanders are crafty and smart’ is the message, since spies are known for being crafty and smart. Daniel is also an outdoorsy wholesome kinda guy, which is how you could describe Southafricanland before its ruling party, the ANC, erupted boils all over its face and ‘divorced itself’ (you can’t make this stuff up).

DCs pitch to the SA Brand Manager probably went something like this.

DC's pitch to the SA Brand Manager probably went something like this.

The other big question is WHO PAID HIM? Is this the reason our interest rates aren’t being cut? Is this the reason I am STILL paying a premium for Horlicks? Dear god in heaven.

***********************************************************************

Question: Do you think the people of Southafricanland should have a say in which celeb endorses the national brand? Should celeb endorsements be subject to a free and fair election like the election we are supposed to have to determine the country’s president? Who would YOU vote for?

***********************************************************************

here are some suggestions followed by a possible reason:

a) Pete Wentz, because of that THAT PHOTO. You’ll have to go google to find the uncensored version. He would appeal to the women of this country looking for a more progressive take on what it means to be a man that does not involve being treated like a piece of cattle. Is a piece of cattle a cow? more importantly:

Because masculinity is not about anything but being comfortable with holding your peen on camera.

Because masculinity is not about anything but being comfortable with holding your peen on camera.

b) Lourdes Leon and Rocco Ritchie – Madonna’s children – who will be the victims in her upcoming divorce, kind of like we as citizens are victims now that our government has decided to divorce itself. Hopefully our government doesn’t use us as a weapon against its estranged other halves / quarters / eighths / a million little pieces by james frey.

c)  Legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin, who was caught checking facebook during the presidential debate last night. He would be the ‘accessible celebrity’ due to his inability to control his obsession with The Glorified Message Board, appealing to the Late Majority, and he would also have the benefit of a rapid expiry date (famous fast, never last) which could be used for some rapid-fire publicity before we move onto something more long term.

JT for South Africa - yeah! JT 3 JZ 4 Eva! (or maybe a few days)

JT for South Africa - yeah! JT ❤ JZ 4 Eva! (or maybe a few days)

*************************************************************************

>>>Remember the Southafricanland keyring needs to fit naturally into the life of the celebrities we nominate so choose wisely and don’t nominate someone like Tom Cruise because he lives on a space ship and space technology does not use keys to open, it just slides open on hybrid-buffer-hydraulic-interfacing-proxima technology but we all know that, just using him as an example. in case you get lazy with your thinking. oh BTW, client wants your suggestions by tomorrow morning as he is going to Zanzibar for 2 weeks and then we need to start shooting. sorry! :p <<<

save the cheerleader (from being voted president), save the world

My daughter deserrrrved to get pregnant. She done went and showed herrrr KNEES!

"My daughter deserrrrved to get pregnant. She done went and showed herrrr KNEES!"

check out this totally neat site that shows you how things would be if Sarah Palin was pregnant president. i really empathise with americans right now, since they face the same threat we do – being governed by a buffoon. i feel for you guys. yulle need to vote real hard to make sure the palin vibe doesn’t happen. same goes for yulle here. “yulle” is my unique word. it’s a mixture of ‘y’all’ and ‘julle’ (the afrikaans version of ‘y’all’). always innovating.

i’ve been a bit out of touch with groundlevel politics lately – is Jacob Zuma still singing the song that goes “Bring me my machine gun”? isn’t it time they got a new songwriter to work with him? i heard JZ got dissed by Timbaland? i heard the new Britney Spears single Womanizer is about Jacob Zuma? And about Sarah Palin? can popstars be presidents? can i vote for Danny K rather? he seems like he’d care about my medical aid.

Other Danny K policies include free advice on How to Look Jewish and How To Act Black While Retaining Your White Integrity bylaws. I could definitely benefit from the second policy.

Other Danny K policies include free advice on How to Look Jewish and How To Act Black While Retaining Your White Integrity bylaws. I could definitely benefit from the second policy.

want: ghost lamp

BoooOOOOoooooOOOOoooo for me. No Ikea here.

BoooOOOOoooooOOOOoooo for me. No Ikea here.

boy am i sick of seeing objects i would like to buy and feather my home with from ikea. it happens at least once a week. not always from Ikea, but often. with globalililililisation and all, shouldn’t anything we can conceive of here in South Africa be available to us? is the unavailability of cool stuff like Ghost Lamp because of the recession? or are we still paying double for Horlicks here compared to what you pay in the rest of the world because Horlicks thinks us Southafricanlanders don’t know the price of a bag of malt? isn’t the price of malt the only thing that HASN’T gone up? this sounds like a case for the Mothman Prophecy.

What good is a President if he cannot negotiate cheaper retail prices for Horlicks?

What good is a President if he cannot negotiate cheaper retail prices for Horlicks?

I must say, a few weeks on into the new presidency and i feel optimistic about Southafricanland politics. it must be noted that this is not something I thought i’d ever write, but every time i look at that picture of our new prez, i feel happy. his glasses say ‘caring father figure who knows how to balance the books with enough left over to hire his daughter some fake paparazzi for her Matric Dance at Crawford College‘. that comforts me.