Tag Archives: pop star

am i the only person who sees this?

okay y’ulle. i’m going to just go out and say this. He Who Shall Not Be Named is NOT a president. he is a pop star. remember way back in 2007 when Britney Spears (bless) went crazy? first she shaved her head, then she bashed up a van with an umbrella, then she kidnapped her own kid topless, then she wore no-pants a lot, then she hooked up with a paparazzi, then she shouted ‘Eat it, Snort it, Lick it, Fuck it!’ randomly between custody hearings, then she…

Bring Me My Umbrella.

Bring Me My Umbrella.

do y’ulle see what i’m getting at here? we’ve all just made a mistake. He Who Shall Not Be Named should be offered a 5 record and tour deal, and all the brand endorsements he can handle, leaving the title of ‘President’ open to someone a little less, well, eccentric.

Misplaced, Misunderstood.

Misplaced, Misunderstood.

makes sense, no? plus then he can focus on some new material, not that lame old ditty about his Machine Gun. I mean, Machine Gun. FFS.

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obama got the job and i’ve got a vision. let’s dance!

hey i know we advertising ppl live in a world of our own but did any of y’ulle hear?barack obama applied for the job of Prez of the United States of America and he got the job. pretty cool, huh?

gives me hope about my own dreams of becoming the President of the United States of America. LOL you can all probably guess that’s not reaaally my dream. like the parents of some rich hot chick in some movie said, Why would i want to waste my looks by using my brain?

This is a picture of me studying for my final exam back in college. Think it was Writing Eye Catching Billboards.

This is a picture of me studying for my final exam back in college. Think it was 'Writing Eye Catching Billboards".

Don’t worry y’ulle. There’s no danger of me using my brain any time soon. I’m very happy doing ppls nails (metaphorically speaking). I know that ppl value what i do and that i am useful and provide a service to someone, somewhere, and that’s all that matters, right?

Well…I’m not so sure anymore. You know as long as things are going badly (Southafricanland’s future president is a criminal & there’s a recession) i feel pretty okay with my lot because i can compare it too how bad things must be for other people (like any one of Jacob Zuma’s possibly HIV infected 9 wives or anyone who’s been retrenched due to the recession). But now that things have gone so well for Obama i kinda want to know when i can achieve my dream of being a respected copywriter-pop artist with my hit single ‘I Wanna Be Ur Facebook Girlfriend’ and the video in which i am naked except for *Sparkles* the editors have put on my hoo-hoo in post-production, while i dance against a slippery wall in the LA desert.

I have been called competitive, but really i am just resentful when people are more successful than me. - Alex van Tondress, S. African Advertising Pop Star

"I have been called 'competitive', but really i am just resentful when people are more successful than me." - Alex van Tondress, S. African Advertising Pop Star

Other tracks i have possibly lined up for my album include “Deep Etched Sex”, “Word Of My Mouth”, “Let’s Get Tactical”, “Sex Sells” and “Buy Me More”. let’s not forget my special track in honour of Obama called “Wham Bam Thank You M’am”. of course, i would release them for free on myspacebookster first, along with stills from the *Sparkles* scene, and get at least 1 alcohol or sneaker sponsor before i even started speaking to labels, so i know that i still have a lot of work ahead of me. luckily i am very pretty so it goes without saying that i work hard and am determined.

do y’ulle feel similarly affected by Obama’s success? are you jealous / resentful / envious / angry / horny? does Obama’s success make you want to consume brands that position themselves as successful in any way? like does it make you want to trade in your Mac for a Dell? or maybe you want to play PS3 instead of Wii now to honour the fact that the President of the USA is black and no longer white? does Obama’s success make you want to smoke expensive cigars and drink expensive whisky while you talk about expensive brandy in your expensive ‘businessman’s hotel’ on your expensive trip to Japan? I’m just trying to get a feel for what kind of ‘knock-on effect’ or ‘paradigm shift’ will come about as a result of this new president meme.

Obama has a lot of hard work ahead of him. he’s probably stressing, and obviously the Oval Office will now be working double time figuring out endorsement deals and what kind of brands will be appropriate as sponsors for their new pres. he’s probably feeling a bit confused as to which offers he should accept and which he should decline and ‘bank for later’. it will be a very difficult role. i would have a very tough time deciding between wearing Armani or Hugo Boss (and that’s just suits, we haven’t even touched on fragrance yet). Louis Vuitton is probably a bit tacky for luggage for a pres – i would advice him to go Gucci, maybe Prada. just thinking about the kinds of tough brand decisions Obama will have to make kinda gets me dizzy and wondering whether i’d really be able to cope with the pressures of fame.

i mean, an entire generation of men and their girlfriends are relying on him to save them from the grave fashion errors Bush is known for making. i salute you, Obama. you are a brave man to take on these challenges. but you have looked very well groomed and hot thus far, so i have a lot of faith that you will surround yourself with the hottest stylists and some honest fashion advisors and it will all be okay.

analysing Obama’s success like this has totally given me insight into how i can achieve my own success. see here i was giving myself ‘specialist online skills’ and ‘building my niche appeal through experience with social media’ to differentiate myself from all the other copywriter-pop stars out there, but all i really need is a good stylist and a wax therapist that i can trust. my eyes have been opened. i’m gonna change my facebook status right away. i now have concrete goals and a vision. i’m gonna start right now by getting a belly ring. yes i can, y’ulle!

The face of determination. I can haz it, yulle.

The face of determination. I can haz it, y'ulle.


“when i grow up, wanna be famous, wanna be a star, wanna be in movies, wanna have boobies” – the tigercat dollfaces

but no movies here.

no castings. no expensive theatre school.

no obssessive, economy-driving celebrity culture.

no reality shows where i can take my clothes off.

no one to make a sex tape with to ‘launch my career’.

no retouchers to make me look hotter than i am.

no lecherous men with money to ‘discover’ me.

just savanna, the locally produced ‘it’s-dry-but-you-can-drink-it’ cider. who makes a site that lets me make my own ad. makes me dress up like a monkey. and garble nonsense. make your own savanna ad here. and watch mine below. it stars me as the monkey, jabu as the black guy and alistair as the barman.


do y’ulle think i should quit my dayjob? does this count as a demo tape? is it strong enough to be an acting / dancing portfolio? do you think it shows that i have potential to look hot in music videos, if they spray water on me to make me look like i’m sweating? do you think it shows off my toned, tanned body? could i be the next brutney spears / leona lewis / brian searle-tripp (local advertising pop star) / mike schalit (local advertising pop star)? does this give me mass appeal as opposed to simply appealing to a handful of marketing types and social media gurus?

need some feedback so i know where to take my career / what kind of headlines i should be writing / what kind of headlines i should be appearing in / whether i should just make a sex tape on my own and upload it onto vimeo and hope 4 the best.

agency xmas party report: a few mornings after, to get perspective

wow. so much pressure to be zany and conceptual. it paid off though, because you could walk around the party and not know anyone and spend all night guessing what rock/pop stars people were dressed as and it could pass as genuine and meaningful conversation. some snapshots:

Black Sabbath, A Dead Kennedy and Simple Red.

Black Sabbath, A Dead Kennedy and Simple Red.

Michael Jackson and Gwen Stefani. A collision of extreme personal brands.

Michael Jackson and Gwen Stefani. A collision of extreme personal brands.

The Dirty Skirts and a Sister of Mercy.

The Dirty Skirts and a Sister of Mercy.

Dolly Parton, post breast-reduction. Or, were her breasts actually that big? Feel like the pasts version of big breasts distorts things somewhat.

Dolly Parton, post breast-reduction. Or, were her breasts actually that big? Feel like the past's version of big breasts distorts things somewhat.

The Village People. 2 of them. the other 2 passed out at the pool earlier.

The Village People. 2 of them. the other 2 passed out at the pool earlier.

The Cure (to AIDS).

The Cure (to AIDS).

Mark normally wears a gimp mask to every single party. This year it was Devin Kennedys face blown up huge, x quite a few, as The Dead Kennedies. Creepy? Ya thank?

Mark normally wears a gimp mask to every single party. This year it was Devin Kennedy's face blown up huge, x quite a few, as The Dead Kennedies. Creepy? Ya thank? PLus he didn't take it off all night and the mouth got all soft and pithy.

Sister of Mercy and Ozzy Osbourne.

Sister of Mercy and Ozzy Osbourne.

Pete Doherty and Kate Moss.

Pete Doherty and Kate Moss.

Crowded House.

"Crowded House".

all in all it was a good party. lots of fun happy times. lots of hugs. lots more drinks than Jupiter had. word is that Jupiter handed out 5 drinks vouchers to staff, who had to buy their own drinks once they were done. word is also that they served bread and soup at their party. issokay. sometimes bread and soup can be… wholesome.

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I didn’t drink most of the night because after we left the pool they stopped making cocktails and forced me to choose what i wanted to drink. And we all know why that’s very hard for me to do.

save the cheerleader (from being voted president), save the world

My daughter deserrrrved to get pregnant. She done went and showed herrrr KNEES!

"My daughter deserrrrved to get pregnant. She done went and showed herrrr KNEES!"

check out this totally neat site that shows you how things would be if Sarah Palin was pregnant president. i really empathise with americans right now, since they face the same threat we do – being governed by a buffoon. i feel for you guys. yulle need to vote real hard to make sure the palin vibe doesn’t happen. same goes for yulle here. “yulle” is my unique word. it’s a mixture of ‘y’all’ and ‘julle’ (the afrikaans version of ‘y’all’). always innovating.

i’ve been a bit out of touch with groundlevel politics lately – is Jacob Zuma still singing the song that goes “Bring me my machine gun”? isn’t it time they got a new songwriter to work with him? i heard JZ got dissed by Timbaland? i heard the new Britney Spears single Womanizer is about Jacob Zuma? And about Sarah Palin? can popstars be presidents? can i vote for Danny K rather? he seems like he’d care about my medical aid.

Other Danny K policies include free advice on How to Look Jewish and How To Act Black While Retaining Your White Integrity bylaws. I could definitely benefit from the second policy.

Other Danny K policies include free advice on How to Look Jewish and How To Act Black While Retaining Your White Integrity bylaws. I could definitely benefit from the second policy.