Tag Archives: sober

buying a new phone. feeling ‘depressed’. i think.

Hey y’ulle. Feeling a little weirded out. Think I’ve lost touch with how I really feel. When I feel something, I’m not sure I’m feeling it because of something inside me, or whether I am being influenced by external factors, such as a viral online marketing campaign. Doesn’t thousands of people singing a Beatles’ song all together make you feel depressed? The following video is NOT for sensitive viewers.


I’m about to buy a new phone, but when I contemplate my future holding an iPhone / BlackBerry / HTC, I don’t feel thrilled and elated, like I should. I feel empty and meaningless, like I’m just a small part of one massive augmented reality campaign brought to you buy KingSaatchilvyCB, sponsored by ExclusiveWorthBookwords.

The cycle of life (you might remember this from elementary school biology).

The cycle of life (you might remember this from elementary school biology).

Wouldn’t really be surprised if ‘life as we know it’ is one big augmented reality campaign, brought to you by the Apple superbrand.

Guess the trick is to break out of ‘modern day emotional constraints’ by doing something meaningful, like going for a hike up the mountain, or ‘picking up the phone’ and talking to someone.  Maybe there are even more meaningful things to be done, like ‘imagining rocket-powered unicorns’ or ‘imagining water-melon boats’. I don’t really get this whole ‘imagining’ thing tho. Will maybe get my teenage brother to make a rocket-powered unicorn app for facebook for my phone, or something.

How wonderful life could be.

How wonderful life could be.

Truly spiffy.

Truly spiffy.

How am I supposed to tell whether I really feel something or not?
Should I post how I feel in my SpaceBook status so as to get sympathy from those of my friends who are drawn to a victim? Or should I conceptualise an integrated campaign on twitter that will ‘generate buzz’ about user-generated emotions?


Wish I could upload emotions and share them with my friends. Not sure my online friends ‘get’ emotions though. Guess if my emotions fell into one of the following categories it would be fine: 1) Sober or 2) Wasted.

OR

OR

OR

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BONUS ‘wasted’ 4 YOU: CONGRATS YOU ARE THE 14 BILLIONTH VIEWER OF THIS POST.  please accept this pic of 2 wasted chicks kissing. wish you were here.

Will I really not feel better if I buy a phone that is more expensive than I can afford? Think I must be ‘depressed’. Guess I have identified an ’emotional niche’ that can be exploited for capital gains. Will open up my depression as a media space for ads to buy as soon as I can get out of bed. Will use the revenue I generate to buy my new phone. Hope I will be able to appreciate my new phone now that I’ve actually had to work for something in my life.

new Western Cape Liquor Bill – good or bad thing?

so a lot of people on ‘the facebook’ are inviting me to sign some sort of pantyliner petition protesting the passing of the Western Cape Liquor Bill. this bill will mean clubs and places of disrepute will not be able to sell alcohol past 2am, thereby destroying lives, leaving children parentless, causing multiple road accidents, causing crime, pushing drunkards out into the streets where they cause chaos – oh no wait – that’s what happens if the liquor bill doesn’t get passed. that’s what happens right now, as it is. sorry for the confusion.

it’s hard not to see the flagrant injustice in the passing of this kind of bill. what will all those middle class afda / cape tech / UCT / vega dropouts have to blame their pregnancies on? how will rich white kids explain how they got syphilis to their parents, now that the only acceptable excuse –“i was sooo fucked” – will no longer be available? will it force the girls to admit that they just wanted to ‘secure a man’ for the future? is there anything wrong with ‘securing a man’ through pregnancy? is getting pregnant cheaper than taking out a policy with liberty life / more viable than getting a job? is getting syphilis more ‘fun’ than registering for tax? what your experiences y’ulle? is sleeping with all your friends more appealing than ‘getting a job’ and ‘being responsible adults’? hey have you ever heard drinkers boasting about how many pedestrians they’ve killed? apparently it’s the latest thing – getting drunk and then driving home / into a wall / into someone’s child / into another car. gotta stay ahead of what’s cool y’ulle.

and what about the ‘liberals’ who like to converse on the balconies of Long Street (The Waiting Room, Neighborhood), telling each other lies about who they are and offering each other jobs they don’t have the authority to offer? how will groups of friends all sleep together now that there’s nowhere to hang out drinking until having an orgy / hooking up with your ‘best friend’ seems like it’s a good idea? how will slags steal boyfriends now that most boyfriends will be sober and home at a decent hour? i feel like this liquor bill is really gonna throw a spanner into Cape Town’s social workings, y’ulle.

Save the liberals, yulle. They are just sensitive, creative souls who need to express themselves through getting drunk and sleeping with their friends / classmates / colleagues / friends of friends / the chick no one else wants to sleep with (pity f*ck a.k.a. material for art)

Save the liberals, y'ulle. They are just creative souls who need to express themselves through getting drunk and sleeping with their friends / classmates / colleagues / friends of friends / the chick no one else wants to sleep with (pity f*ck a.k.a. material for 'art')

without booze, how will we connect y’ulle? how will we overcome our introvert-by-nature personality types? how will we meet random strangers whom we can add as friends on facebook the next day, so we can tell ourselves that we are ‘meeting cool people’ and are ‘really connecting with awesome people, man’. how will we pretend that living in Cape Town is in any way socially rewarding?

how will we make mutually embarrassing memories to be brought up later in the workplace / at college / at tech / at varsity / at creative collective meetings / at Royale before our waitressing shift starts? what will we talk about if not how f*cked we all got last night (“Whoa last night was soooo hectic man”)? what will we say in our facebook statuses if we can’t say “xxx is ready to party! xxx just wants to party bro! xxx is feeling last night’s party man”?

I just wanna party. Lets party. Man, i was sooooo f*cked. I bonked some chick without a condom dude. What a party! Right on!

"I just wanna party. Let's party. Man, i was sooooo f*cked. I bonked some chick without a condom dude. What a party! Right on!"

Hey dude, when do we party? Can you pour shots of vodka in my mouth? Lets get so f*cked up a bonk a man instead of a chick. Whoo hoo whatever bra! Just, like, party!

"Hey dude, when do we party? Can you pour shots of vodka in my mouth? Let's get so f*cked up and bonk a man instead of a chick. Whoo hoo whatever bra! Just, like, party!"

i personally don’t know what the big fuss is about because y’ulle can just start drinking a little earlier. have y’ulle learnt nothing from the Winehouse? she just drinks all day, unphased by pub closing times. it doesn’t really interest me much because i don’t drink. drinking makes you ugly y’ulle. it makes your cheeks puffy and saggy and it bursts the little veins in your face. but i guess y’ulle who are drinkers sleep with other drinkers while drunk so you forgive stuff like that. i guess it helps coz you can tell if your potential mate ‘shares your interests’ while you’re sober because they look like shit. but i’m just surmising here. maybe y’ulle can set me straight. go have a party and set me straight.

“One for my baby, and one more for the Rosacea.” – Frank Sinatry, drinker opposed to the Western Cape Liquor Bill