Tag Archives: south africa

Should I sue myself for not buying myself a ghd sooner?

Okay. Every once in a while, I experience something that prompts me to ‘drop that stupid, irritating voice’ i use to write on my blog and ‘just get real’. The ghd Style Lounge – which i was privileged enough to attend on Friday evening – is one such brand activation which has prompted such drastic action. In all seriousness – “srsly y’all” – this event blew my mind. “O RLY?” i hear you say. “Howcome y’ulz?” I hear you say. I’ll attempt to do justice to the sheer delight that was having my makeup done by Benefit, my hair styled by 2 ghd Angels, then being styled by Accessorize and being given a remote control with which to shoot myself. Not in the foot, but on an infinity curve that had been set up, “just like a real-life photo shoot”. Oh my word. Oh my hat.

Firstly, the venue was just amazing. Roodebloem Studios in Woodstock, for those interested:

A magical wonderland.

You walked in, were greeted with a glass of Krone and a Vitamin Water, and then you went and waited with sumptuous snacks until a Benefit artist could start doing your makeup.

Sumptuous snacky treats.

Sumptuous snacky treats.

Waiting area.

Delicious product display.

More delicious product display.

Benefit's Beauty Bootcamp

The Result: Makeup by Benefit

Once you got your makeup did, you had a little more Krone before heading over to the Style Stations (see above) to have your hair done by 2 lovely ghd Angels. Since my hair is naturally straight, I asked for them to ‘get a l’il zany y’ulz’ and give me some curls and, most importantly, show me how to make curls with a ghd (Creation Mist, Hold Spray, Obedience cream and…go!). This really was revelatory to me – I had no idea you could curl with an iron. “Srsly y’ulz” – no idea.

A before photo: hair is still untouched.

Hair: a work in progress

No hair “After” pic yet because those were a part of the shoot we had on location, but I’ll upload them as soon as I get them. Once hair got did, we were taken in hand by a stylist who added a little something special to the look we were creating, to make us a little more ‘shoot ready’.

Accessories! Yay!

Getting styled. Glove love.

And then I was given the top 2 ghd products to suit my hair as recommended by one of the ghd Angels.

Miracle mist and obedience cream.

In the words of my blog:

“Srsly y’ulz – should I sue myself for not buying a GHD sooner?”

Check out all the pics from the other ghd Style Lounge activations here on facebook, or at the ghd Style Diary. PS. Benefit makeup can only be bought at Woolworths. Anyone looking to ‘treat me for xmas y’ulz’, hit me up with one of their fab products.

My latest business venture

Y’ulz, I am an entrepreneur. Did y’ulz know that? Sometimes I can’t ‘touch you’ via blogging because I am ‘running this town tonight’.

N E wayz…


I hav a dream. And that dream is to cre8 my vry own facebook appy. It will be called FUCKVILLE, and its appeal is quite logical y’all. Basically, various small, lonely animals will wonder in and out of your fbook profile, and you will be offered the chance 2 ‘fuck them’.

A screenshot of how the average user will interface with Fuckville.

What do y’als think? Am basically pitching it to my VC bros as ‘the ultimate facebook app, a rollercoaster ride of sex, sheep and fuckery’. Think it’ll be a hit y’ulle? Am going to do a spot market research poll (for my FLYSWAT analysis later, pls leave your answer as a comment):

Will FUCKVILLE be a hit appy?

a) You’re a fucking genius Alex. Fucking fuck.

b) Of course it will. You can make an app out of anything and the laggards on the facebook adoption cycle will lap it up because they’re lower middle-class worker ants who drive third-hand hatchbacks and aspire to being head supervisor at the forklift company and playing Fuckville will allow them to ‘take back their time’ (via looking like they’re working)

c) No ways. Fucking sheep is sooooo 2000-and-late

d) If you release this app into the armies of spammy app-lapping tards on facebook I will kill myself and leave this blog post open on my laptop so ppl know why I did it.

e) There is already an app like this, except they call ‘fucking’ “farming”. Perhaps the similarity is intentional?


Appreciate your help on my individual journey to entrepreneurial greatness. If you would like the once-in-a-lifetime chance 2 be a part of this ‘sure thing’ y’als can drop me a comment telling me the top 5 ‘animals people like 2 fuck’ & I will get back 2 you based on the acumen displayed in your insights. Thanks 4 helping me ‘work night and day’ 2 make the internet ‘a more fun place’ for y’ulz.

WHAT IS THIS?

Y’ulz, went to Milnerton on the weekend. Was rly scary. Y’all ever been there? Wish someone had warned me. Went to “go fetch my ID book which was stolen 1.5 years ago and was found by an old lady in a Reader’s Digest in the pensions office in Milnerton”. Is that not the biggest mindfuck? Read it again: Went to “go fetch my ID book which was stolen 1.5 years ago and was found by an old lady in a Reader’s Digest in the pensions office in Milnerton”.

Mind. Fuck.

This is Milnerton. Frightening.

But more frightening even than this, is this THING I found. WHAT IS THIS? Found it outside the guest house next door to On The Rocks Restaurant. Thought it might be some Halloween fun but there was no reference to Halloween near it. Seriously y’ulz. WHAT IS THIS?:

Is it a tokoloshe? A "Zulu Orc"?

Let’s take a closer look.

WHAT IS THIS???

WHAT IS THIS???

I need to lie down.

sponsoratized post: MiMoney helps me experience ‘being just rich’

So MiMoney sent me a R500 voucher to spend on something nice so that I could get a feel for how it works y’ulz. Tested it out on the 2 things I mostly order on the interwebs, sex and prescription drugs. Kidding. Ordered 2 books from Kalahari.net that i’ve been wanting for ages: Rainer Maria Rilke’s ‘Letters to a young poet’ (recommend reading it if y’ulz are ‘cre8ive’ and ppl give you shit for it) and Jung’s ‘Memories, Dreams, Reflections’ (is Jung’s autobiography, recommend reading it if y’ulz ‘know too much about the world’ & ppl give you shit for it). They arrived this morning. Happy times y’all!

Oooh, a package. What could it be?

Oooh, a package. What could it be?

Just what Ive always wanted!

Just what I've always wanted!

Happy times.

Happy times.

Also, after having a day when I thought it might be ‘better to be just rich’ than to ‘be creative’ i went home and gorged on sushi from Mr Delivery that MiMoney also paid for (thereby giving me the opportunity to know what ‘being just rich’ feels like). My verdict is that ‘being just rich’ ‘totally rocks’, and that ‘being creative’ needs to work harder at ‘bringing its A-game’ to the task of ‘making my life awesome’.

How MiMoney works:

1. You register with www.mimoney.co.za

2. You purchase MiMoney vouchers which then get sent to your phone.

3. You then use your vouchers as cash, quoting the code sent to your phone when you need to pay for a movie, online order, dinner, or whatever else you want to pay for. Right now it’s a little limiting as to what you can buy, but in future you’ll be able to use your MiMoney everywhere, thereby eliminating the need for cumbersome 19th century trappings such as ‘wallets’ and ‘money’.

Read what kalahari has to say about MiMoney here (putting this link in because app the mimoney site is giving some trouble).

Pre-Loeries Panic Attack #1

Uh-oh yulz. Is Loerie Awards in less than a month. In dire panic mode. Don’t have a dress. Don’t even have a designer to dress me yet. Am up a shitty cove with a creaky paddleboat in a stormdrain. Haven’t even started thinking about possible sponsored alcoholic beverage of choice for the night.

Just want people to see me as feminine yet casually cool, too.

Just want people to see me as feminine yet casually cool, too.

So much to worry about. So much to organise. Need to slip pair of Nike soles into my 9-West Choo-fakes so I can ‘go 4 miles if u kno wot I mean’. Need to organise small bag of miscellaneous white powder so can appear ‘authentically wasted’ if pulled over by the police. Must line-up strategic opportunities to be photographed ‘pushing cleavage’ / ‘getting spanked by male bosses while making an O with my mouth’ / in classic ‘whoo-hoo’ pose plus devil-horn hand-signals.

We are having sooooo much fun! Its the Loeries! Partay!

We are having sooooo much fun! It's the Loeries! Partay!

Whoo hoo!

Whoo hoo!

Must make sure iPhone is charged so can take repetitive photos of me and my 5-person ad clique over and over with an arty LOMOHOLGA filter that I can desaturate after and clog up everyone’s newsfeeds on facebook with. Must think of a zanier and louder Loerie Gimmick than a vuvuzela so Jupiter doesn’t have the crazy-spirit-monopoly at the actual event (miss u Jupiter).

Getting ready to party.

Getting ready to party.

Getting our party on at the awards. What a blast!

Getting our party on at the awards. What a blast!

Doing the SIngle LAdies dance at 3am! Dont tell my mommy!

Doing the SIngle LAdies dance at 3am! Don't tell my mommy!

We are like sooooo wasted in this pic! Cant remember having it taken!

We are like sooooo wasted in this pic! Can't remember having it taken!

Mmmm eggs yes please! Might as well keep on drinking!

Mmmm eggs yes please! Might as well keep on drinking!

Does anyone know where I can buy fake vomit 2 smear on my halter-neck top so my industry peers can ‘take me srsly’? Would make myself puke but kind of ‘worried about my teeth’.

appy appy app time

More delightful iPhone discoveries. While feeling bummed about the price of Lomos and having to ‘collect them all’, I thought to search for Lomo in the App store and… tah dahr. Happy Times. Check out some from the aptly entitled Lomo App, and the Quad Cam App. Collect them all!

LC-A Normal on LOMO app

LC-A Normal on LOMO app

Quadcam love to the poster above my bed.

Quadcam love to the poster above my bed.

Quadcam love to Sarah in the lift

Quadcam love to Sarah in the lift

Apply Lomo filters to existing shots (this ones a polaroid)

Apply Lomo filters to existing shots (this one's a polaroid)

View from the top of  Wembley Square on LC-A Normal Lomo

View from the top of Wembley Square on LC-A Normal Lomo

What must I do this weekend?

It’s the weekend y’ulz. Not sure what to do with myself. Starting to feel like drained by being a ‘adweblebrity’. Sometimes I just wish I could live a ‘normal’ life. Marry some ‘normal’ guy and forget this online stuff ever happened. Wish the old saying ‘once you put something on the internet you can’t take it off again’ wasn’t true. Wish someone had told me how fame was gonna ‘eat me up, spit me out & turn me into a banner ad on facebook without asking for my permission’ before I released my 1st sex tape / social media campaign. Can only hope that I’m a lesson 2 y’ulz.

I love you guys. You know me better than I know myself.

I love you guys. You know me better than I know myself.

What do normal ppl do on weekends? Have heard it’s quite rad to ‘chill with a beer at &Union’ bcoz they only serve 2 types of food and say fuck-you to anyone who complains. Have heard that normal ppl ‘tolerate being treated like crap’ and actually enjoy it.

So normal. So real.

So normal. So real.

Have also heard there is some ‘party at the Biscuit Mill’ on Sat. Haven’t been to a party ‘just anyone can go to’ in years. How do the caterers manage if they don’t know how many ppl will be there? Do ‘open’ parties often run out of Moet? (that was a trick question – Moet is cheap crap).

Good times with arbs.

Good times with arbs.

Maybe I’ll venture out of the city bowl, except the ppl outside the city don’t always get ‘netiquette’ and sometimes do crass things like ‘ask 2 add me on facebook’. Worried that if I smile at someone in the southern suburbs they will take it as permission to ask to ‘pick my brain’ on their latest ‘social media activation planning schedule’ when all I want to do is shop for scented vanilla candles at The Space in peace.

What do y’ulz ‘normal people’ do for fun on the weekend?

Sick of ppl underestimating me.

Im more than just an art director, okay.

I'm more than 'just an art director' okay.

Look. I’ve decided to GMFST (Get My Fucking Shit Together). Have had enough sitting in the corner being ‘the agency’s quirky designer who knows online’. I’m gonna develop my niche and show my employers I know my shit. Gonna campaign for a promotion, and gonna do that by sending out mails about ‘measuring social media’ to make the older ppl in the agency shit their pants and realise how invaluable I am.

Step 1: Scour some sites for relevant articles. Maybe follow some links on twitter.
Step 2: Copy gist of article into a mail and provide a link, knowing no one will click the link and will assume I wrote the article even tho I di’int.
Step 3: Send to allstaff with Subject that makes most people in agency feel like they don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, and don’t want to know, hence will recommend me to be responsible for anything vaguely related to social media.
Step 4: Get raise.

Ill never be afraid. Not even of the nasty writers who reply to my mails saying Im a dupe.

I'll never be afraid. Not even of the nasty writers who reply to my mails saying I'm a conartist.

Cha-ching bitches! (Just did a SIM-Alexa-Twitta-rater test on this approach and it gets a 9.5 score on the fuck-me-I’m-smart scale). PS. Don’t think I’m gonna sit on facebook executing the lame-ass campaign I came up with, just FYI. Best you hire an intern or something. I’m headed out of nowhereville going straight to the top of this food chain (that’s what the quiz I did on facebook says – you can quote it if you like). PPS. Now that I’m a social media hot-shot, don’t expect me to hang out with y’all ‘traditional creatives’ at Loeries any more. I’ve moved on.

Is Swineflu the new Crocs?

Wonder if they will send me home from work if i wear Crox.

Wonder if they will send me home from work if i wear Crox.

So eeeeeeveryone in gladvertising is buzzing about Swineflu – ‘did you hear? Ogilvy has 2 cases’ – etc etc. Makes me wonder why nobody learnt their lesson through Crocs / Von Zipper (the quicker the rise of a fad brand the harder the fall). Hope Swineflu’s marketing team realise that they may be getting loads of attention now, but in a month or so nobody will give a shit about your illness, just like what happened to AIDS / HIV / Ed Hardy, or they will be making jokes about your virus.

Cover your eyes when viewing to prevent contamination.

Cover your eyes when viewing to prevent contamination.


Hope the rest of y’ulle innovators are ‘spotting the opportunity’ in this ‘crisis’ (hey remember the Red Bull-cocaine ‘crisis’? Apparently they sold double what they normally do while it was peaking). There are loads of opps for smarty pants out there, for example, ‘getting the Swineflu’ (10 days off work no questions asked), ‘saying you think you’re getting Swineflu’ (getting sent home by para boss), ‘staying home in case you get the Swineflu from work’ (if you work at Ogilvy), ‘making viral ads’ (if you work anywhere else).

Psychographic Profile: I am an intern

I am an intern,
And I take myself very seriously.
I go to an expensive advertising school,
Where they teach me to be a designer and an art director and a copywriter and a marketer and a client service person,
And when I graduate,
I will be the most amazing advertising being,
And you will all bow down to me
And my Cre8ive Recreation sneakers,
That I bought on sale
At Poppa Trunks
(which is more of a T-shirt store than a sneaker store, just FYI)

I am an intern,
And I am frustrated.
How am I supposed to show off my genius
When the internet doesn’t even work in this sh*thole agency
(oops – did I say that aloud?)
Also no one is telling me how to work the frikkin’ printer,
What do you expect me to just ‘figure it out myself’?
What kind of a show is this?

I am an intern.
I’m giving up my holiday so I can be ‘assured of a job’,
So just shut up about the rece$$ion because rece$$ions only affect mediocre people,
And I am not mediocre bro.
I am the top of my class
(why else would I be here?)
All my lecturers say I’m brilliant,
I even have ‘genius’ written across my portfolio
(Just as a joke, but I actually really mean it),
And my lecturer also says I will suit a ‘creative’ agency
More than a corporate one,
Even though my lecturer says  I am versatile enough to handle both.

I am an intern.
The senior copywriter teases me.
I frikking hate her, stupid bitch.
She thinks she is soooo smart,
Always cracking her sarcastic jokes.
I’ll show her, I’ll put her in her place.
I’ll say
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit”
even though she’s actually using irony
(my writing course wasn’t that in-depth).
I’ll just call her on it,
And she’ll know who she’s dealing with.
Bitch.

I am an intern.
Just wish I could graduate and start working already.
I’m sick of pretend,
I’m ready for the real world.
Just wanna get out there and make some ads.
Am sooooooooo frustrated,
And the frikking internet is soooo slow,
Facebook won’t frikking upload pictures.
Gonna text my friend and invite him to the bar
And pretend I ‘own this joint’,
And offer him beer as if it is my own

I am an intern
Where’s. My. Desk.

should i ‘have a baby to force me to quit smoking’?

Been watching this Lily Allen video over and over. Feeling slightly inspired by England’s ‘drinking epidemic’. Having a birthday has made me introspect about ‘where I am in my career’ and ‘whether I am where I could be’. It’s made me ask important questions like ‘is it time to stop taking my pill and pretend I was still on it to my boyfriend when I fall pregnant’ – a pretty universal question all girls face at one time or another.

Definitely not digging that vibe. Am really glad I’m not ‘nearly 30 and out every night’ with my biological clock blackmailing me into fucking up my life by ‘settling for plan B guy’. Are any of you going through this?

Time to have a baby? Maybe have a baby to quit smoking? So many options. Life is so full of potential.

Time to have a baby? Maybe have a baby to quit smoking? So many options. Life is so full of potential.

Went to the VICE magazine launch on Friday night (thanks weaerawesome). It was basically like The Loeries at Assembly. Loads of advertising people. Loads of ppl passing around this lame rumour about how the band playing ‘had never left Soweto before’. Sigh. Wish I had never moved to Joburg and stopped being a ‘gullible white person’. Definitely would have been a lot of fun if I was 16 and had ‘my whole life ahead of me / my virginity intact / a set of fresh lungs / no fucking clue about “how the world works” ’. But 10 years has changed my idea of a good time, and I spent quite a lot of the evening wishing I hadn’t forgotten my MJ mask in the car, kicking the smoke out the way so I could walk.

Best party of going out is stinking like an ashtray the next day. Is my fav.

LOVE to partay and stink like an ashtray the next day. Is my fav.

A lot of drunk ppl were buzzing about The New Young Pony Club which turned out to be a chick DJ playing Justin Timberlake (true story). Luckily I went home at 11 so never saw all those sad, disappointed faces who had their pony dreams dashed. Is a good thing. Hate seeing people I know drunk because then I feel I have ‘seen their inner tard’ and can never respect them again.

A fan after witnessing the New Young Phony Club DJ set.

A fan after witnessing the New Young Phony Club DJ set.

A cunning plan by a rad hip band.

A cunning plan by 'a rad hip band'.

Saw a lot of chicks in the bathrooms applying coats and coats of lipstick. Some chick pulled her friend into the bathroom stall with her and stayed inside for like half an hour. She must have been ‘having trouble inserting her tampon’. I remember this one time at high school our guidance counsellor offered to help if any of us had any trouble inserting our tampons. There are some really caring people in this world, we should all give thanks. Also give thanks for not being ‘nearly 30 and out every night’, unless you are.

so you want to get into advertising?

then read this, and remember:



iPhone crashed. as did my heart.

hey y’uls. my iPhone crashed last night. so i slit my wrists and lay down in the bath, waiting to die. boyfriend found me.

BF:  “Baby! Why are you covered in food colouring?”
Me:  “My iPhone crashed. I can’t even Google how to fix it.”
BF:  “You must be overtired. I’ll Google it.”
Fiddles with his very old but very trusty Nokia.
BF:  “You just have to hold down the sleep and the home button.”
Holds down buttons.
BF:  “There. See? It’s fine now. All phones crash, baby. It happens.”
Me:  “Not to the iPhone. I don’t want this one anymore. It’s broken. It’s dirty. Want a new one.”
BF:  “Don’t be silly. It’s fine now. What were you doing when it crashed?”
Me:  “Was trying to tweet a Flickr pic from a blog post. What’s the point in having an iPhone if I can’t multitask on it? Might as well have a 3310.”
BF:  “Don’t be ridiculous. You need some sugar. Have a guava.”

And so it went.

Srsly. Has this happened to you? Do y’ulle know whether there’s a support group I can join to talk about how this has affected me? I know that there are 7 stages of dealing with an iPhone crash.

Last night I was in 1&2&3, then I skipped all the way to 7.5 (Hope) and am Hoping there is a way to skip through all of these to 5 and stay there (via being part of instant gratification generation). Don’t really want to work hard for anything that isn’t depositing $$ into my account (via pragmatism and materialism and over-inflated sense of self-worth), even if that thing was free and is coveted by all my associates / friends (iPhone).

Think this’ll probably become one of the great unifying questions of the 21st century.

Where were you when your iPhone first crashed? – Alex van Tonderator

Like, Where were you when you heard Princess Diana slept with a Muslim?


Where were you when you heard that Kung Fu Panda became the President of South Africa?

I’m here for you y’ulle. Just know that you will heal, eventually.