Tag Archives: south african

be like me kids… drink Stormhoek

Today is the last day of July, hence the last day I can blog about anything birthday related. Which is why I’m dragging myself out of brain-implant / transplant recovery to write about the last bottle of Stormhoek Limited Edition 2004 Guava Pinotage I got from Chris for my birthday. (Luckily I can now ‘Blog Just By Thinking thanks to new brain. rad.) I’m not a drinker (as some of you may have gathered), but reigun and 5starRich will bear witness to my having a quarter-glass of this stuff over the course of the birthday month. It’s also made my guests super happy, who normally have to choose between 5 roses tea / water / Coke Light. Plus it looks totally hot in my kitchen. So I’m thinking I’ll get some more of this stuff and keep my cabinet full. Thanks Chris 🙂

The good stuff.

The good stuff.

PS. Did you know Stormhoek is MASSIVE overseas? Yep. Last time I was in LA it’s the only wine I saw ppl drinking. PPS. Blog BFF Seth is in LA at the moment. Check out his adventures here.

Am I stuck in the 90s?

Hey yulz. Been feeling down lately. Been worried that I am ‘stuck in the 90s’. The other day was driving and saw a Calvin Klein orgy billboard and it ‘appealed to my sensibilities’ and ‘spoke to my aspirations of being a liberal individual who is also hot’, which planted the seed of worry.

Then I walked past Ed Hardy at the waterfront and actually considered ‘paying money to look like some trashy slut’ who digs rhinestones and skulls and tattoo-vibes, which is when the warning bells really kicked in.

A picture of class.

A picture of class.

Then, as I was perusing this season’s handbags, I almost dropped 1k on a piece of shit Guess handbag, because I momentarily forgot the rules.

How to smell rich.

How to smell 'rich'.

Then I experienced an urge to ‘push social boundaries’ by being free-spirited and zany and ‘experimenting with social taboos’ by sleeping with all my friends (guys and girls). Was a low point. Might as well drench myself in CK1 and put Nevermind on repeat.

Anyone got a vial of blood I can wear round my neck? Is 4 my image.

Anyone got a vial of blood I can wear round my neck? Is 4 my image.

Then sat at home and felt crap about myself, and decided that I need bigger boobs, which sent me spiralling, because if anything is soooo last decade, it’s big boobs. Mother of god.

Big Boobs. Not renowned for dating well.

Big Boobs. Not renowned for dating well.

And then came the last straw: I was catching up on the mandatory morning reading and saw that Britney had died her hair dark again, and I wondered if I should exclaim loudly about how much I hate her. Maybe subject a few innocent colleagues to my opinions about ‘how dumb Britney is’. Which was when I realised it: I am stuck in the 90s.

Britney-hating: the ultimate 90s opinion.

Britney-hating: the ultimate 90s opinion.

Feel very down. Can’t believe I thought I was a child of the new millennium. Thought I was original and intellectual and free-spirited and one-of-a-kind and ‘unique’. Thought that people ‘see something different and special’ in me because I go against the social grain and ‘cannot be controlled’. But now I realised I’m just a retard loser stuck in the 90s. FML.

I care about things. I care about you.

My brain’s been deeply engaged lately. Been thinking. Been wondering about whether I am contributing to something meaningful to the world via my career. Not really sure that ‘making milkshake worlds’ or creating the Alcoholics Of Tomorrow via ambassador programs is ever going to be the kind of thing my grandkids will brag about. Basically, I (and by I, I mean my personal brand) has been feeling a bit average.

I recently got told about the Heart Transplant Museum in Cape Town, where you can go and see life-like wax models of the first heart-transplant, and dress up like a doctor and get goosebumps at ‘following in the footsteps of greatness’.

Like an angel.

Like an angel.

This beautiful picture inspired me to read up about Chris Barnard on wikipedia, and about all his great achievements and how he conquered the world even though he lives on the tip of Africa and was Afrikaans. You know how black people in this country say they only find achievements inspiring if it’s done by a black person, and hence flip out about not enough black people in top positions? Well I’m the same. I can only be inspired by great things if they’re done by an Afrikaans person (via narrow-minded-excuse-making), even though I barely speak Afrikaans. But I don’t have to since ‘it’s in my blood’. Think of me as your ‘Good-Girl War-Veteran’. kisses MK xxx.

The Britney Spear of the Nation.

The Britney Spear of the Nation.

What got me all fuzzed up about him was the fact that he did most of his heart transplants free of charge, which indicates a good balance on his personal brand between narcissistic hot Doctor guy and altruist-for-the-people. Which made me realize that’s what’s missing from my personal brand – the meaning that comes from convincing other people you care about deep issues, like teen pregnancy / whether street kids have enough glue / saving the environment / pretending to push the whales back in the sea when they just want to be left alone to die.

What they call an all-rounder. He must have been smart too to get through medschool x 2.

What they call 'an all-rounder'. He must have been smart too to get through medschool x 2.

So was thinking about adopting a meaningful cause that I can champion with my influence and passion, a cause about which I can ‘generate awareness’ and ‘conceptualise PR’ which leads to ‘word-of-mouth  buzz marketing and viral activational engagements’. Some of the causes I’ve been considering include:

1. Advertisements have rights too, ie. Writing up a ‘constitution’ for advertisements that includes ‘ads have the right to shelter’ and then protesting when a billboard that has not been printed with UV-resistant ink is placed in an open area without cover. People seem to like protesting here. Probably because most of our people have ‘natural rhythm’ and tapping into that kind of momentum would mean half the work is done, ie.  Tapping into the long-tailing trend and catching a ride on the collaboration fad wave.

2. Affirmative Action for the oppressed, ie. All the creatives who have had their work discriminated against by clients should be given a free lunch, maybe free medical aid (because of all the mental abortions they have had to endure), and all the top jobs in government. Really think that government would have a great image if they hired us to ‘create a vibe’ in the office, or whatever. Could maybe take a page out of Peet Pienaar’s book (but not the same book he keeps designing over and over and giving a new name to a la Afro, Bruce Lee, etc) and leave trails of boerewors lying around parliament, like the ones Peet left lying around at Jupiter (miss u Jupiter).

3. Client tax. Basically the client pays tax on all the changes they make to a finished, cohesive concept. So the more you strip away in favour of budget (via the recession / general ignorance of the merit of having a concept in your advertising), the more tax you pay on a concept. The tax goes towards supplying creatives with ‘soul deposits’, since stripping concepts takes chunks out of the soul of the creative, like a shark in a frenzy. This might be too abstract however. Not sure whether a currency needs to be set up for ‘soul deposits’. Not sure what would be a happy medium for everyone, since people are so diverse. Maybe the currency can be butternut soup, which is quite neutral. Or heroine, since even if you don’t actively like it now, you probably will like it once you try it. Or maybe something meaningful, like a Louis Vuitton handbag. Basically once you’ve had 10 ideas stripped down to nothing you have earned 1 handbag. Works for me.

Green advertising. This is where we only print in green to create awareness around the fact that we are aware of the environment, and how bad we feel when we print out 100 page PDFs because it’s ‘easier than flicking between screens’. This is really just first-phase at the moment.

That’s where I’ve got up to so far. Let me know if you have a cause you’d like me to champion. I am your humble servant, at your service, here to serve you in any way that I can in a humble fashion. Just want y’ulle to see me as DEEP as well as shallow.

Psychographic profile: I am a GirlJock

Wish I could be in High School for ever. Might go back and coach Girls soccer.

Wish I could be in High School for ever. Might go back and coach Girls' soccer.

I am a GirlJock
In high school my identity was defined by my place in the hockey team
And my place at the sidelines of every ‘big game’ that ‘my’ boys played
And not much has changed except now
I am allowed to drink (legally)
And Thank god (I mean that, I am Christian, Anglican in fact),
because drinking is probably the biggest part of my identity today.

Just another AMAZING NIGHT OUT  with one of my BEST FRIENDS.

Just another AMAZING NIGHT OUT with one of my BEST FRIENDS.

I am a GirlJock
I have over 1000 friends on facebook
All of them love me because I am the life of the party
I am always smiling
There are over 1000 photos on facebook of me smiling
I have sooooo much fun
With all my friends who love my smile
We have so much fun because we are sooooo pissed
We get up to soooooo much craziness at the game / the ball / the girlz night out / the J&B Met
When we get together
And get pissed

Hey such great times at the Met. I 3 the Met, its my best.

Hey such great times at the Met. I ❤ the Met, it's my best.

I am a GirlJock
All my friends wish they were me
Even the hot skinny blonde ones
Even though I can’t shake the extra weight I carry around
(it’s because of my drinking, but who cares what you look like when you can party!)
but being overweight doesn’t stop like, a million guys being my best friend
I have soooooo many guy friends
I am in love with like, all of them, but I’ll never risk telling them because
“I don’t want to ruin the friendship”
though I am actually scared they will reject me
because I am not at my ‘ideal weight’
but I keep ordering another drink hoping that
we will be sooo pissed and end up kissing on the dancefloor / at the rugby
and it will turn into something meaningful

I 3 him so much it hurts.

I ❤ him so much it hurts.

I am a GirlJock
I studied whatever my older brother studied
And in some ways, I think my older brother is my soul mate
He said I should have been HeadGirl of my highschool
And I totally agree with him
We are the best of friends
4 ever

My brother and I are very close.

My brother and I are very close.

I am a GirlJock
I am highly sociable and am able to be ‘friends with everyone’ (it actually says that on my CV)
Even the zany little creative people
Who don’t work at my accounting firm and claim to ‘hate rugby’ (cute!)
I am a GirlJock
Can’t wait for the weekend
So I can get soooo pissed and partay with like, all my millions of friends
And take photos and post them on facebook
So everyone can see how much fun I am
And how awesome my life is.

Hangovers R us. We are sooo crazy.

Hangovers R us. We are sooo crazy.

I am a GirlJock.

psychographic profile: i am a white South African

I am a white South African.
This makes it my duty to a) complain and
b) complain about whatever’s done in response to my complaints.
I have a blog, and a twitter page, and a small audience. I am an ‘influencer’.
So I feel the need to influence, but also, to point out how refined,
educated and intellectuarllll I am.

I am a white South African and even though I,
like most educated people in this country,
am petrified of He Who Shall Not Be Named becoming President,
I’m not going to go right out and say it because that would not be very
politically correct, progressive or liberal.
(also it would be laaaaank obvious bro, need to ‘be special’).
Instead I will complain about ‘government’ as an homogeneous mass
and focus my complaints on white people in government
so my white friends understand just how liberal and progressive I am.

I am a white South African,
Maintaining my positioning as liberal is highly NB,
because my white friends believe that if you are not liberal, you are racist
and there are no grey areas in between.
My educated black friends LOL at me behind my back,
but mostly they pity me and my suppressed fear,
and send me digital snaps from London, where they have moved,
which I complain about,
because if black people are moving overseas,
then things must be bad.

I am a white South African,
I am paranoid about coming across as racist
because we have the sins of our “fathers” forced on us
all the time by our scapegoat-loving government and its
sycophantic media,
even though most of our fathers were actually against Apartheid,
but they had as much choice then
as we do now when it comes to policy (ie. No choice)
but you can bet your lobola
that I’m going to complain about it.

I am a white South African
(and proudly so)
and I’m going to complain
and through my interlektuarll complaining
I’m going to be superior to my fellow men
(who will complain about my complaints because they are as scared as me)
but I’m going to complain with pride
because I am a South African
And this is my home
and I don’t want to leave this country to complain somewhere else
I want to feel safe when I complain down the streets
and I want my children to feel safe about complaining while they play
I want women to feel that they can complain without suffering abuse
or discrimination

I am a white South African
even though South Africa’s a political mess
I’m going to stay and fight for my right to complain in the country of my birth.

I shall complain about the beaches
I shall complain about the landing grounds
I shall complain about the fields and the streets
I shall complain about the hills
and I shall never surrender

why a ninja turtle would make a better president than He Who Shall Not Be Named

Heroes in the  half shell.

Heroes in the half shell.

Ninja turtles went to school (ninja school, but still). They completed their education, which indicates commitment and is a solid achievement in itself.

He Who Shall Not Be Named’s only commitment is to taking a shower, and his education = that of a 10 year old.

Ninja turtles fight crime. He Who Shall Not Be Named fights the forces that fight crime. Electing You Know Who into power would be like electing Shredder. Or worse, that Brain thing (Crang?), but without the brain. Just the tripod.

The Bad Guy. You dont elect bad guys, remember? No? Oh sorry, forgot, they covered that in Std 3.

The Bad Guy. You don't elect bad guys, remember? No? Oh sorry, forgot, they covered that in Std 3.

Ninja turtles have a wise master in the form of a giant rat named Splinter, whom they listen to. He Who Shall Not Be Named is too dumb to realise how dumb he is (fact: the last people to recognise incompetence are the incompetent, because they don’t know what competence is – this is backed up by studies – Google it).

How long is this namby pamby election charade going to last? Can  NPA just prosecute? And if it is going to bring all of government down, then so be it. For reals y’ulle. Sick of this shizzle. Can South Africa just make its children proud – for once – to call themselves South Africans?


Sad Fact: When you get a Samsung phone, and then it sucks completely because it’s noisy and it freezes and it loses your data, you can just get a new phone and never have anything to do with Samsung ever again.

But when you’re born into a country who elects a complete moron to head its ruling party, you can’t do anything about it, because the whole world knows he’s a moron and blocks your passport so you can’t even leave. Sad.

At least angry/humiliated South African turtle here can hide his  face from the shame of being South African turtle.

At least angry/humiliated South African turtle here can hide his face from the shame of being South African turtle.

Psychographic Profile: I am in LOVE with great ideas.

Hi, I’m a creative who works in advertising
My work is mediocre – not bad, but not amazing –
but I often miss my deadlines
so I have invented this crazy zany advertising persona
(I’m a meta-creative)
so people think I am an advertising genius.
I talk a lot about how much I love ideas,
I talk about how technology excites me and
how ‘most clients just don’t get it’.
When I go for interviews, I pretend that money doesn’t matter
because I ‘live and breathe ideas’.
Some ppl are fooled
Some are not
Just gotta take your chances.

Imaginising a great idea.

Imaginising a great idea.

I am a crazy-idea-obsessed-imaginator
I recently discovered the internet so
I spend a lot of time talking really loudly about programs and sites that most people already know about
but I am so loud that everyone who doesn’t know about them
thinks that I discovered them first.
I like to pick a controversial opinion
and subject people to it at every opportunity
doesn’t matter what it is
just as long as I am disseminating my opinions
that I read on some marketing blog



I am a zany imaginationista
I have a blog about ideas that I started 3 years ago
I haven’t posted on it for 2 yrs 6 months
but I still put it on my LinkedIn profile
because it still counts (it DOES still count)



I am a kooky imagineerist
I made that title up myself
it is on my business cards
which I ordered on Flickr
I just discovered ffffound.com and sent it  round the office
now everyone knows about it
and everyone knows I knew about it first
if I could, I would write ‘First!!1’ under everything in the office
including the hot secretary at the front desk
(she’ll never tell, but everyone knows)

So much to think about.

So much to think about.

I am a trippy imaginator
I customise my clothes / laptop / laptop bag / trainers
I wear badges with abstract type on them
And the logos from my favourite cartoons when I was a kid

Great ideas. Running through my brain. Cant stop. Like a hurricane.

Great ideas. Running through my brain. Can't stop. Like a hurricane.

I am a mad imaginoodle
And I am in LOVE with new ideas.

a feature of a feature

Check out Creatives on Twitter: The Strategy issue, where you can see a mildly confusing but good write-up of yours truly. 10and5 are the online, South African version of Creative Review. It also features The Gasping Man a.k.a Cafe Racer.

Good times @Loeries with Nicole and Dave. Miss ya Jupiters. xx

Good times @Loeries with Nicole and Dave. Miss ya Jupiters. xx


Are you there Standard Bank / Nike / American Swiss / Pick ‘n Pay / Woolworths / Gucci / Hunter’s Dry / True Religion / Apple? it’s me, Alex.

Dear Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands that factor me into your marketing strats,

I feel a little lost. I have come to you seeking guidance in a difficult time. I feel very alone, and I have tough decisions to make, and chewy issues, and I need ur guidance. I will outline my problems and use some graphs to help you understand.

What should I be doing with my life? I am at the tender age where I go from falling in the 18 – 24 demographic to the 25 – 30 demographic. I am not sure what I should be wearing / doing with my free time / which magazines I should be reading / which websites I should be reading / which TV stations I should be watching / which ads I should be consuming / which bank I should be using / which cellphone network will give me the most bundled benefits. It’s all very confusing for me. Can you maybe send me a copy of the 25 Year-Old White Girl LSM 8-10 Manual so I can photocopy this phase in my life? I’ll basically buy whatever you tell me to, Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands, but you gotta speak to me.

Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purchasing purpose?

Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purchasing purpose?

What should my income be? What should I be doing for a living? Am I in a lucrative career? What should I be drinking? I feel lost, Lifestyle Brands. What is my Corporate Identity? What should my logo be? What should my facebook status (payoff line) read?

Dear God Brand pls send me a t-shirt angel kthnks bye.

Dear Lifestyle Brands Please help me define myself as interesting, unique and 'going places'. Maybe give me a t-shirt or something. I feel like t-shirts do a good job of telling ppl who i am.

Yesterday I went to the bank and they told me the only difference between their card packages was the price and the colour of the cards. Help me, Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands. I really want a White Gold Platinum Black Dining Express Club  Card but I will have to pay more in card fees. Why is the world like this? Life is so unfair.

Graph explaining unfairness of life.

Graph explaining unfairness of life.

Dear Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands, why is there war in Iraq? Is it because George Bush opened a new Nike Sweatshop there? Why did that man slash all those babies in Belgium? Was it because his mom put him in Pampers not Cuddlers when he was little? Why do we have to keep reading articles about Julius Malema? Is he a ‘subliminal ambassador’ for MacDonald’s? Is it because he wears really pointy shoes from Spitz, making him ‘highly quotable’?

Julius Malema, head of the ANC Youth League.

Julius Malema, head of the ANC Youth League.

Core Portfolio Of Lifestyle Brands, I know some people don’t believe in you. But I believe in you. I need you. I need you to tell me who I am based on what I should buy and where I fall into your marketing strategies. I will do whatever you say. Your love is all-embracing. Keep it real.


PS. I can’t be reached through TV ads and I don’t read magazines, and I will defriend you if you SMS me, so do something real amazing to catch my attention. Free stuff is prob your best bet. Cool.

feeling stale. going to reinvent myself as some form of trendy reflux.

reflux is in y’ulle! i know because i read a book by kreative missionary visionary dion chang and the title is trend flux 2009. so get stuffing your white rolls from woolies and your burgers and your strawberry pavlova (hey, not really sure what causes reflux as have never been pregnant before, but being pregnant is another trend – set by MIA / Gwen Stefani / Nicole Richie (choose your own psychographic role model, am not phased) – so expect an increase in ‘girls 4getting to take their pill oops’ – and ‘miracle pregnancies’ – “i WAS taking my pill! i promise!” and “fuck i got so drunk last night at Assembly that i forgot to take my pill“).

I went off my pill because it gives me cramps and its not natural. I am going to go drink at Gandalfs and then have sex with my friend and then masturbate after, just to really give those sperm a chance.

"I went off my pill because it gives me cramps and it's not natural. I am going to go drink at Gandalf's and then have sex with my random, lonely-as-me guy friend, and then masturbate after, just to really give those sperm a chance."

should i get pregnant? should i go off the pill because ‘it’s unnatural‘ and it ‘makes me bloated’ and ‘it makes me moody and fills my face with pimples’, even though it’s 2k9 now and yasmin was invented 10 years ago, so we all know girls who go off the pill are doing so only because they find the risk of getting pregnant when they have sex with their boyfriends / their best friends / their classmates at AFDA a turn on.

I cant come unless theres a possibility of me getting pregnant. - M.I.A? maybe Anon.

"I can't come unless there's a possibility of me getting pregnant." - M.I.A? maybe Anon.

has the possibility of getting pregnant ever turned you on? wish i could get pregnant and then donate the baby to a good cause. not sure if there are any good causes that need healthy babies. maybe someone should start a Replacement Workforce For All Those People Who Have Died And Will Die Of AIDS just so Telkom has someone to employ to throw a cog in their generator that they can blame when we exceed our power capacity in 20 years time.

********************************************************Got a bit off topic there********************************************

Back to Reflux and other things that will be hot in 2k9 (note i didn’t get these from the trend reflux book by Dion Change, i just got them off some arb website but it doesn’t matter because all trends came from the same arb mothership website):

Being classy. “Classism is the new racism”. Does this give me license to discriminate? Just want to be ‘trendy’ y’ulle. Just want ppl to know i am better than them through my ‘social badging‘ or my ‘exclusive knowledge of how brandy is made’. Apparently knowledge about products is the new social currency. Am going to google Apple just now and learn everything there is to know about Steve Jobs so i can make my friends feel bad about themselves.

Apple was invented in 70 BC as an alternative to the slabs that Moses wrote the 10 Commodors on, but there wasnt a market until 2 000 years later.

Fact #1: Apple was invented in 70 BC as an alternative to the slabs of stone that Moses wrote the 10 Commodores on, but there wasn't a market until 2 000 years later.

the 90s. the 90s is the new 80s. this would explain all the Kurt Cobain Converse floating around my mall home. yes, i live in a mall, y’ulle. malls are like the new ‘gated communities’ or ‘security complexes’. wonder what i can steal from the 90s to incorporate into my personal brand. shortlist: having ‘i’m blue da-ba-dee da-ba-da’ as my ringtone; wearing blue lipstick and humming ‘i’m blue da-ba-dee da-ba-da’ round the office; trading my black car in for a blue one and pumping ‘i’m blue da-ba-dee da-ba-da’ from the subwoofers. which one do y’ulle think best enhances my PB?

twitter goes mainstream. uh-ohs. this means an increase in ppl twittering about how drunk they got last night / how crazy last night was / what a f*cked up time they had last night / how they 4got to take their pill last night / how they are really enjoying ‘Through the Storm’ by Lynne Spears. quick, time to evacuate twitter. tell all your trendleader / thought pioneering friends. this ship is sinking. if you are mainstream, quick, sign up for twitter while humming ‘I will go down with this ship’ by 90s star Dido.

Tweep recovering from a hangover from her night at Assembly, wondering if shes pregnant.

Tweep recovering from a hangover from her night at Assembly, wondering if she's pregnant.

big government will be cool. guess we all have Obamalove to thank for this. wish we had an Obamalove. just so y’ulle don’t think i’ve given up the cause, i’m still emailing Kanye West trying to convince him to come and be President of SouthAfricanland as his next piece of ‘high art’. not sure whether this trend applies in safricanland. especially since the ruling party keeps smacktalking its own president. sigh. I wish America would buy us and then everything would be okay. not likely in these harsh economic times.

other arb things i think will be in (note: these are my hypotheses and do not come off some arb website):

– being a trendwatcher / trend guru / trend collaborator / trend consultant / marketing consultant / web2.0 consultant / iPhone 2.0 consultant. Basically if you can’t hack it in the real world, pick any one of the titles above and start a blog and you’ll be a- for away.

suicide. just coz money doesn’t matter any more. like queen said, nothing really matters, to me.

adopting a web celeb for your brand. feeding them. treating them to VIP consumer experiences. and then watching them blog about your brand. feels good, doesn’t it? tamagotchi 2.0.

falling pregnant ‘accidentally’. because of the rise of organic, females in their mid-twenties who have not yet completed degrees or found jobs will choose this option because they think it will give them more options. outwardly, they will say they have issues putting hormones into their bodies because it is ‘unnatural’ and non-organic. time for phramaceuticals to go organic.

britney spears. like she says, all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F-U-C-K her (track 6, Circus). Parting thought:

All i wanna do is xxxx and xxx and take your monay.

Sing with me: "All i wanna do is xxxx and xxx and take your monay."

new world order etc.

i almost left the office now and went home without blogging about barack obama getting elected president. and then i thought about how my kids would feel (if i ever decide to download some kids) when they ask me one day:

“Mommy where were you when B.O. was elected president? Mommy, what’s it like to have a human president? Mommy, what’s it like to have a president who doesn’t wear sponsored clothing? Mommy, what was the official sponsor of the Electionz Oh-Eight? Mommy, will you gift me a facebook cookie pleeeeeeeze?”

And my answer would go something like:

“I was in Chicago, standing in the crowd, feeling the pulse of the anticipation, palpable, real, filled with hope that light may come to this great country at last,” which is totally true since the HDTVs in the change rooms at gym are pretty much like being there for real, only i was able to stand naked, skin glowing from a 20 minute stint in the sauna, appreciating my personal space.

LOVE you barack. wish we were pals b4 you got all famous for being pres.

LOVE you barack. wish we were pals b4 you got all famous for being pres.

like many other people around the world, i am happy, grateful, bleeding from relief that McCain got the indifference he deserved (dude, Palin. WTF?) I feel like a miracle has happened, but i am also selfish and have a short attention span for good things that happen to other people, and i want to know where the southafricanland version of barack is. do we know any kenyans? or do we know anyone who went to harvard? srsly even if its your cousin, you should put him forward to the ANC or the Shikota party (ANC’s new rival) or we can just start small and put his face up around the Spar on Derry. Not fussed, just want to find a good candidate, and give him/her exposure.

YES WE CAN. Except not this chick because she might give the wrong message to teens and men who like teens (paeds).

YES WE CAN. Except not this chick because she might give the wrong message to teens and men who like teens (paeds).

if i drank (still can’t decide on my brand of choice, life’s hard yo) i would raise a toast to my new home (unless they find an Obama for southafricanland). LOVE being part of the brain drain. makes me feel like an elf fleeing to wherever the elves fled to at the end of Lord of the Rings. taking my magic and giving it to Obama, and he didn’t even ask. might go to Royale tonight and get a milkshake to mark this whole special occasion. happy new world order everyone. still super busy adjusting and recovering from vida e caffe scuffle injuries but promise will be back to blogging full speed soon. with my left hand, upside down.

are you peeing in the pool? because we put that stuff in that makes the water turn red when you do. so we’ll know it’s you. just so you know.

as some of you may know, i have left facebook. not completely – i haven’t deleted my account – but i won’t be logging in again any time soon, and i have joined the Facebook Suicide cult which means from 12 December you will no longer be able to write on my wall or send me your stupid applications. which begs the questions….

“But Alex, how will this affect your online presence? Isn’t deleting your facebook taking a huge swipe at all the hard blogging you’ve done so far? Can you still be a credible new media consultant without a facebook account? You must be hanging out online SOMEWHERE, so where is it?”

My answer to this relevant line of questioning would be:

Facebook is for laggards. If you don’t know what laggards are, here’s a handy little graph all of us fall onto in some way, whether you like it or not.

This could be you.

This could be you.

Before you start telling me how unique you are and how you don’t buy into society’s idea of who you are and what other people think, let me stop you by saying, i don’t give a shit, because every product you ever buy and every service you ever buy into and every magazine you pick up and read or even gloss over, will place you somewhere on one of these graphs. denying it would be like denying god, or jacob zuma. you might not agree with them, or like them, but they are as real as the macbook you’re staring at. and now you know.


Question: For those of you who ARE concerned with where you fall on Roger’s Curve of Adoption, do you think it’s only right for companies and services to place a warning on what they’re selling, kind of like the health warnings on cigarette packs?

What? You just dropped 2k on these? Sucks for you. Dont you remember Fergie singing about these babies way back when? Seven Jeans, True Religion, I say no but they keep giving. That was back when she was still part of Black Eyed Peas. Almost 3 years ago. And you thought they would make you cool? Dont say you didnt, because how else do you explain dropping 2k on jeans? Its okay. If anyone notices just say youre going retro for summer. Also, if you bring up the Nerd is the new cool trend in conversation while wearing these you might be able to loop yourself back in time to early majority. But be warned - thats only going to keep you safe for about a month before youre right back in late majority. Trends move fast, yo.

What? You just dropped 2k on these? Sucks for you. Don't you remember Fergie singing about these babies way back when? "Seven Jeans, True Religion, I say no but they keep giving." That was back when she was still part of Black Eyed Peas. That was MY HUMPS. Almost 3 years ago. And you thought they would make you cool? Don't say you didn't, because how else do you explain dropping 2k on jeans? It's okay. If anyone notices just say you're 'going retro for summer'. Also, if you bring up the 'Being uncool is the new cool trend' in conversation while wearing these you might be able to loop yourself back in time to early majority. But be warned - that's only going to keep you safe for about a month before you're right back in late majority. Trends move fast, yo.



So, as i was saying, I’m not on facebook. And I’ve given you my reason. So I guess the new question is WHERE ARE THE INNOVATORS RIGHT NOW? They’re here.

Even though this moment this post goes live, they will have to find somewhere else to be. But hey. Sometimes its good to take a break from innovating and just sit pretty like bullfrogs in the crisp cool waters of the Early Majority Pool. We’ll have about 6 months in there before the Late Majorities start peeing in it, and then the neighbourhood will eventually go stale as the Laggards move in, bring their waterwinged kids and coolerboxes full of the Diesel SFW XXX video. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Psychographic Flash Cards for Marketers: Print them out and improve your skills

as a writer who crossed over into strategy (and by that i mean tripped, hit my head and woke up on the other side of the fence with a throbbing skull and the desire to speak, live and think rhetorically), my favourite part of the marketing and advertising process was always the part where i got to write up consumer psychographics. i’ve been told i’m quite good at it. i’ve also been told i’m quite good at lying and manipulating people, but i guess like everything in life it depends on your attitude.

one thing i noticed about market research is how deeply marketers read between the lines. if a consumer says “I like Coke Zero”, a bunch of invisible subtitles that only us marketers can see comes up which translates that sentence into:

“I am a young female who was once naturally skinny except now i have passed the age of 21 and got some muffin tops which have caused me to stop buying Levi’s jeans since they only really fit hip-less girls and now I buy my jeans at Woolworths because I am scared if I spend too much money on a brand it will be a waste because I will probably get fatter and have to buy more jeans anyway. My ideal car would be a Mini Cooper and while I don’t save yet I appreciate Standard Bank’s attempts to lure me into their Achiever Plan with neat discounts from Apple. Apple 4 Ever. PC sucks. I aspire to Scarlett Johanssen because she is sexy and proud of her curves and has a brain because she did an album of Tom Waits covers.”

so when i discovered this site called Beforeidieiwantto.org i thought it would be handy resource for marketers. What you do is print out the Polaroids and use them as Flash Cards to flex your psychographic muscles when you’re sitting around sharpening your pencils and pretending to put briefs into the system. treat the statements about what the consumers want to do before they die as insights into the mind of the consumer, and translate it into strategy speak.

>>>>>beforeidieiwantto is a site set up by some Polaroid fans to protest Polaroid’s decision to stop making film. basically they go around taking Polaroids of people and asking them to name one thing they want to do before they die. i guess it captures the spontaneity and spirit of Polaroid while turning each photo into something meaningful and completely non-disposable, ie. the total opposite digital photography.let’s take a look at what kind of conclusions you can draw from the following consumers and their Polaroid statements:

Age 18 - 23, LSM 6+, Male.

Demographics: Age 18 - 23, LSM 6+, Male.

Psychographic interpretation:

“My parents love me and want me to succeed in my own time so they buy me tops from Guess and Diesel (sometimes) and my jeans from Levi’s from Edgars because my mom has a card there. I tell people I drink Heineken because it makes me feel like I am absorbing a bit of the zany-ness in their ads through osmosis but I’ll drink anything really. I listen to 5fm and i belong to the Junior Rotary Club (a.k.a i pay a Tiger Tiger VIP membership fee so i can skip the queue). I drive an Opel Corsa but I aspire to a Hummer and I once entered that 5fm competiton to win one but i kept forgetting to phone in so I didn’t. I have a girlfriend but she hates me because i play Xbox when she’s over and the one time she thought i gave her herpes. I watch TV as often as I can because I believe an education is really important.”

age 21 - 25, LSM 6+, Female

Demographics: age 21 - 25, LSM 6+, Female

Psychographic interpretation:

“I was one of those awkward teenagers who eschewed mainstream cool culture, and used words like ‘eschewed’. Because I am of above average intelligence i realise that not buying into mainstream means i buy into alternative, and i looked to art for my inspiration eg. Rammstein, mIRC, Doc Martens. Marketers who want to get my attention should appeal to the fact that I consider myself above my peers because i don’t buy into MTV culture. I do have some insecure moments and I have caught myself comparing diet products. I am and always will be a PC person and think people who use Apples are dupes. I spend my spare money on figurines and fantasy novels and i get a LOT of cashback vouchers from Exclusive Books. I don’t watch TV because i get my series downloaded. I drink White Horse whisky because it’s actually a good blend and Lagavulin is its core malt, which means I use knowledge of exclusive brands as status symbols. If I were a car I would be a Black Vintage Chevrolet, or whatever the car is in Death Proof. Tarantino is a genius.”

**********Get Practising your psychographic skills HERE**************

PS. I really respect this initiative, since i have a Polaroid camera and I really really don’t want to run out of film.

hairy eyeball salad

Keeping an eye on your health through your eating.

Keeping an eye on your health through your eating.

this week has been MyCholesterolWeek and in the spirit of the results i present to you the hairy eyeball salad – just one of the many fascinating things you can do with raw vegetables and bad cholesterol lowering edibles. you’ll find the recipe here.

pigeons – the most private form of communication

today i got such a great mail from a friend of mine, Lauren. she’s doing her honours in graphic design in Holland. anyway she wrote to tell me about this project she’s been working on called Something To Hide, and it’s part of a final year research project into using alternative methods to bypass existing communication tools in order to gain more privacy.

No privacy clause in fineprint. Just little pigeon claws.

No privacy clause in fineprint. Just little pigeon claws.

Lauren and 10 other students from the Sandberg Institute have been training carrier pigeons since March. Lauren said the original idea came from watching a programme on how all our communication is traceable and ultimately non-private. their theory is that carrier pigeons are the most private form of communication. fascinating! they have a great website detailing their experiment.

Pigeon knows he was supposed to deliver a message, but cant remember what it was supposed to say.

Pigeon knows he was supposed to deliver a message, but can't remember what it was supposed to say.

they are busy working on a documentary about the project and you can also catch them at the Experimenta design festival in Amsterdam.