Tag Archives: vote

a free and fair celebrity endorsement: please chat to client service if you have any questions.

guys. GUYS. Daniel Craig got papparazzied with a Southafricanland keyring. serial guys. i’m totally confused. one thing i have learnt from hours of gazing at celebrity websites is that celebs do NOTHING by accident. celebrities are very important people and as economy-driving-thought-leaders every little detail of their lives is planned, and is usually sold as advertising space.

i present a photo i found on cherryflava:

Diamonds are forever. And they are found in Joburg. - D Craig

"Diamonds are forever. And they are found in Joburg." - D Craig

the first question is how is Daniel Craig’s personal brand affecting the country’s brand? (actually, the first question is IS THAT REALLY DANIEL CRAIG? JEES WHAT HAPPENED HE LOOKS LIKE SHIT but let’s leave that for websites who do mean for a living)

well, he’s known for playing a super famous spy – old 007. so perhaps ‘Southafricanlanders are crafty and smart’ is the message, since spies are known for being crafty and smart. Daniel is also an outdoorsy wholesome kinda guy, which is how you could describe Southafricanland before its ruling party, the ANC, erupted boils all over its face and ‘divorced itself’ (you can’t make this stuff up).

DCs pitch to the SA Brand Manager probably went something like this.

DC's pitch to the SA Brand Manager probably went something like this.

The other big question is WHO PAID HIM? Is this the reason our interest rates aren’t being cut? Is this the reason I am STILL paying a premium for Horlicks? Dear god in heaven.

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Question: Do you think the people of Southafricanland should have a say in which celeb endorses the national brand? Should celeb endorsements be subject to a free and fair election like the election we are supposed to have to determine the country’s president? Who would YOU vote for?

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here are some suggestions followed by a possible reason:

a) Pete Wentz, because of that THAT PHOTO. You’ll have to go google to find the uncensored version. He would appeal to the women of this country looking for a more progressive take on what it means to be a man that does not involve being treated like a piece of cattle. Is a piece of cattle a cow? more importantly:

Because masculinity is not about anything but being comfortable with holding your peen on camera.

Because masculinity is not about anything but being comfortable with holding your peen on camera.

b) Lourdes Leon and Rocco Ritchie – Madonna’s children – who will be the victims in her upcoming divorce, kind of like we as citizens are victims now that our government has decided to divorce itself. Hopefully our government doesn’t use us as a weapon against its estranged other halves / quarters / eighths / a million little pieces by james frey.

c)  Legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin, who was caught checking facebook during the presidential debate last night. He would be the ‘accessible celebrity’ due to his inability to control his obsession with The Glorified Message Board, appealing to the Late Majority, and he would also have the benefit of a rapid expiry date (famous fast, never last) which could be used for some rapid-fire publicity before we move onto something more long term.

JT for South Africa - yeah! JT 3 JZ 4 Eva! (or maybe a few days)

JT for South Africa - yeah! JT ❤ JZ 4 Eva! (or maybe a few days)

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>>>Remember the Southafricanland keyring needs to fit naturally into the life of the celebrities we nominate so choose wisely and don’t nominate someone like Tom Cruise because he lives on a space ship and space technology does not use keys to open, it just slides open on hybrid-buffer-hydraulic-interfacing-proxima technology but we all know that, just using him as an example. in case you get lazy with your thinking. oh BTW, client wants your suggestions by tomorrow morning as he is going to Zanzibar for 2 weeks and then we need to start shooting. sorry! :p <<<

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save the cheerleader (from being voted president), save the world

My daughter deserrrrved to get pregnant. She done went and showed herrrr KNEES!

"My daughter deserrrrved to get pregnant. She done went and showed herrrr KNEES!"

check out this totally neat site that shows you how things would be if Sarah Palin was pregnant president. i really empathise with americans right now, since they face the same threat we do – being governed by a buffoon. i feel for you guys. yulle need to vote real hard to make sure the palin vibe doesn’t happen. same goes for yulle here. “yulle” is my unique word. it’s a mixture of ‘y’all’ and ‘julle’ (the afrikaans version of ‘y’all’). always innovating.

i’ve been a bit out of touch with groundlevel politics lately – is Jacob Zuma still singing the song that goes “Bring me my machine gun”? isn’t it time they got a new songwriter to work with him? i heard JZ got dissed by Timbaland? i heard the new Britney Spears single Womanizer is about Jacob Zuma? And about Sarah Palin? can popstars be presidents? can i vote for Danny K rather? he seems like he’d care about my medical aid.

Other Danny K policies include free advice on How to Look Jewish and How To Act Black While Retaining Your White Integrity bylaws. I could definitely benefit from the second policy.

Other Danny K policies include free advice on How to Look Jewish and How To Act Black While Retaining Your White Integrity bylaws. I could definitely benefit from the second policy.

getting to grips with recent paranormal political activity – please email through any sightings or information you may have

so there’s some sTrAnGe things happening in Southafricaland. Um, basically overnight we’ve got a new president. his name is… er… hang on i have never heard of him before so i need to do some research… Kgalema Motlanthe. yes. that guy. this is what he looks like:

Kgalema Mot-Mot is on the left. The guy on the right is the politician everyone makes fun of the whole time.

Kgalema Molanthe is on the left. The guy on the right is the politician everyone makes fun of the whole time.

first things first, that’s a major mouthful of a name for a president. it doesn’t roll of the tongue the way Mandela or Mbeki does. so he needs a nickname – I’m going to Christen him unofficially as The Mothman Prophecy from now on. because he is a bit like a Mothman Prophecy – he emerged from the deep ANC forest in a way that can only be described as science-fiction / paranormal activity.

this article about him says he digs the Broederbond. FYI, this is like a secret boys club that was a big part of the Apartheid regime. The Mothman Prophecy says he thinks they knew what they were doing. that’s quite weird because i thought we didn’t want things to be like apartheid, but anyhooooo… maybe that is just part of his hotheaded youth.

he also used to be down with that whole weirdness about HIV not causing AIDS… do you think there’s any link between a country who’s ex and current president questions whether HIV causes AIDS and the fact that 1/3 of the country is dying of AIDS? just a question…it says he has changed his Mothmind.

anyway this is a really long article, and even though i am educated it’s taking a lot out of me just to find out who exactly this Mothman Prophecy is, the president of Southafricaland. so i skipped to the end of the article and it says no one has anything bad to say about him in the ANC, and that both the Mbeki peeps and the Zuma ones like him. which is cool. it sucks when no one likes the president. i felt a pang in my heart watching the ANC be mean to thabo mbeki.

Go well Thabo. You should start a new party up with Helen Zille. It can be the United Educated Front.

Hamba kahle Thabo. You should start a new party up with Helen Zille. It can be the United Educated Front.

In my youth I used to be very politically hotblooded, and I might have blogged passionately ALL IN CAPS about What This Means. in my old age though i have calmed down somewhat and am only really concerned with 2 things:

1) how am i going to explain this to all my online friends? (seriously, they won’t understand) and

2) how is this affecting my own personal brand indirectly (ie. I am a Southafricalander, how do people perceive me now)?

i won’t bother with question 1 since that is the purpose of this post, but i will address question 2. the political instability could make people think i am stressed out and unstable, like my country. they could also see me as someone who does things with little regard for other people’s feelings, like my country’s leadership party. to answer my question, i guess it doesn’t affect how people perceive me at all then. although they could also think that i am someone who voted for The Mothman Prophecy, which would remind them of that really bad movie —> just because my President is now The Mothman Prophecy does NOT mean i liked that movie. please understand that nobody voted for The Mothman Prophecy, and he was simply put in front of us like The Rib Burger at Spur and we were told to eat. which is NOT always a bad thing! I’m a person with a taste for life, ok? nom nom rib burger.

**********My Personal Message to The Mothman Prophecy a.k.a. Kgalema Motlanthe a.k.a. The President of Southafricanland****************

Yoh man! Bet last week you didn’t think you were going to be president of the whole of Southafricanland this week? Bet you just thought you’d fit in some golf if the rain let up (which it didn’t – i hear political debates are great on rainy indoor days).

i don’t have much to say but these few humble points:

– everyone’s really nervous right now because no one knows what to believe about the ANC in the media. apparently some people are saying the ANC was behind the plane that never crashed into the pentagon and that an ANC ship crashed at Area 51 back in the 60s. now whatever the truth is, please just be honest with us and don’t do anything dodgy. we’re all just trying to make a life for ourselves and everyone just wants a president we can trust.

– please make smart business decisions. i just had to renew my Flickr Pro account and $25 dollars is a lot more than it used to be. plus i have maxed out my credit card on tinned food just in case there’s a paranormal invasion so you need to help the interest rates go down in whatever way you can. i am aiming to get a new MacBook Pro in December so it would really help if you could help me pay off my credit card so i can fill it up with debt again.

– please take Southafricanland’s brand into consideration when you speak in public. we know that not everyone does this which is why Europe thinks we take showers instead of using condoms and why no one will shake Southafricanlander’s hands at customs when we are going on holiday to Disneyland in Australia.

welcome on board Sir Mothman Prophecy. I hope you like your nickname – i thought it had a regal air about it, as if you are descended from paranormal royalty. i look forward to your reign and hope you will make friends with Helen Zille as her brand is the closest one i can identify with as a young educated lady in Southafricaland. so you guys should do a Crossover Brand Collaboration and in that way you will get access to audiences you never had access to before.

some fine examples of this can be seen in Opel Corsa’s collaboration with Morgan and all sorts of brands on TV at the moment. Also look at what Phillipe Starck and Puma have done together. Adidas and Diesel are making rad jeans love. Just think what you and Helen Zille could do? Maybe a fragrance, just to get things started?

A good fragrance collaboration could boost the South African economy and restore its citizens faith in the leading party.

A good fragrance collaboration could boost the South African economy and restore its citizens faith in the leading party.

Much love and good luck with leading the country and being president and getting the kids under control again. I really do have faith in you.

**********Alex******************