Just kidding y’ulz. Always get soooo wrapped up in Nelly Furtado lyrics. Think it’s because she ’sings pop with soul’ and let’s Timbaland drop his beats on her. Am actually referring to the New Moon movie, which I won tickets to (for realz. Just can’t stop the ‘winniness’ from taking over. Thanks to y’als at Exclusive Books for making my life a better place to blog about). Not sure if y’ulz have heard but vampires are ‘really big’ right now therefore it is imperative that i ‘incorporate vampiric cues into my personal brand’. Have y’ulz made an effort to “add a touch of vamp vibes” 2 your PB? Or are you more of a “down-to-earth stinking werewolf dog scum hippie” type of person? Not judging, it takes all liquorice allsorts. Y’all be pleased 2 know that I had some veneers fitted the other day that give me a ’subtle touch of vamp’ without being too ‘in your face’. My denty had to “sand down the incisors” to get a proper fit, which will probably cause tooth issues that i need “like a hole in the head” in later life but whatevs. All that matters is “being cool right now”. Soooo glad y’all understand!
Y'ulz like my new dentals? Feel like this has really moved me into a "whole new sphere of relevance".
PS. If y’ulz would like to attend the New Moon Midnight Screening with me, send your best vampy pic to alex@mybrandedlife.com and I’ll basically pick the strongest 3 personal brands to be my “vamptourage”. Yes yes y’ulz!
Hey y’ulz. Hey do y’all remember Windows? Yes, Windows. That program on the “computers” that we all used to use (v diff 2 the OS we use on our lappies today). One of Windows’s greatest features was being able to open one thing while opening another at the same time.
“Check it out, you can multitask!”
“Wow!”
Of course, that all changed when they launched Windows Vista. But back then we’d play Prince of Persia while twirling our Coke Yo-Yos and grooving to “Black or White” while wearing “peace” shirts. Anyways, found this song about Windows thought y’ulle would appreciate. Sing with me: “It’s too late, I got a Mac… too late…”
10. Should I sue my parents for not getting me a CitiGolf?
Please leave your answers in the comments section. The first person to answer all 10 correctly will win ‘my love & loyalty 4 life’ as symbolised by the fern leaf I am wearing in this picture.
2 blog y’ulle. too much pressure. what should i do? should i ‘off myself’? should i ‘do lines off my keyboard’? what to do y’ulle?
Feel like my electronically synchronised life is mocking me.
Think I might have a case of 'The Imposter Syndrome' starring Matt Damon
Am I a PussyCatDoll Song (via being careful what i wish for coz i might just darn got it)?
Gonna do a post about how a healthy lifestyle is how I keep my blog so skinny & that I shun drug use via getting annorexia in protest.
Appreciate your support during this ‘turning point’ in my career. Am well aware it is ‘make or break’ time. Do y’ulz have any advice 4 me as i ‘transform’? Thinking of shaving my head and smacking up a pap. What y’als thank?
Y’ulz Seth Rotherham from 2OceansVibe reads my blog y’als! He said so on page 78 of December Elle Mag! (not on shelves just yet…be patient.) The one with Lily Allen looking like a naughty l’il slut on the cover.
Page 78! Go!
I could die y’als! Should I die? Should I end it all RIGHT NOW? Has my blogging career peaked? Should I quit now, ‘while i am ahead’? Wow y’ulz. Never imagined this day would come. Srsly. Need to lie down. Need to sit up straighter. Need to … dunno y’ulz. Just need to. Click Here to read a scan of the article. See the full article here. But wait – there’s more. He does it again here.
Srsly y’ulz. Should I die? Can’t handle the expectation. The pressure. Might have to tweet it 20 thousand billion times and post it on my fbook status and RT my fbook status on my blog on twitter ‘just to deal’.
Y’ulz this whole new national logo has totally inspired me. Feel like now that ‘mediocrity is celebrated’ I can rly take my place in the world. Makes me think back to those days at Ad School when Brian Searle-Tripp told me my design work ‘looked like a plumber did it’ and see it in a whole new way. I was being praised y’all! Shouldn’t have quit design & become a writer instead. Should have ‘embraced my mediocrity’!
Exceptionally unexceptional.
Wish someone told me that ‘the world hates competence’ sooner. Wish someone reminded me of ‘what happened 2 piggy’. Could have had a lot more fun ‘doing drugs at varsity’ and ‘binge-eating junk food’ instead of ‘working rly hard at being a good writer & not fat’ so I could ‘come out on top’. Wish someone had told me ‘everyone hates an achiever!’ sooner. Feel like I have born the burden of ‘taking pride in wot i do & who I am’ 4 too long now.
2 dumb 2 be liked (via S-ingTFU)
You know how ‘life is filled with contradictions & mysteries’? Think this is one of them y’ulz. Repeat after me:
“if you want to be the best, don’t be the best, and you will be the best” – Alex van Tonderstein
Y’ulz was googling ‘how 2 sue your parents’ when i read that SouthAfricanland has a new logo and that this is it.
Our New National Logo.
Feel very relieved y’ulz. Was real worried SA would brand themselves as ‘aspirational’ via using 1 of the 15 classic fonts & make all the rich ppl of the world want 2 live here thereby ‘making sushi unaffordable 2 the masses’. So glad there’s no danger of ‘appearing world class’ (via hiring a designer 2 design the logo). So glad SAfricanland decided to ‘give the youth a chance’ & ‘created a job’ via commissioning one of Jacob Zuma’s 5-year-olds to design it.
"Every cabinet member is competent until proven incompetent, okay y'als?"
How do y’ulz feel about ‘brand SAfrica’? Does it compliment your personal brand / make a kiff bumper sticker / inspire u to ‘fuck some stripper and snort CAT because your wife is a pregnant cow & u were meant for greater things’ / make u want 2 start a racist trending topic on twitter? Let me know y’als. Wanna ‘know who you are’ via your reaction 2 our National Logo. So glad we’re on this ‘journey of discovery’ together.
Still real sad about being deprived of an authentic post-teen-pre-adult experience, but ‘I am willing 2 heal’. Got a CitiGolf in the post this morning y’ulz. Is not a real one, but ‘what is real anyway?’. Is the thought that counts. Is kind of sad that the 1st CitiGolf I eva own is one made out of chalkboard. Whatevs y’ulz. Y’all can’t take my fake memories away from me.
Y’ulz, srsly now.
Should I sue my parents 4 not buying me a CitiGolf?
Hey y’ulz. Went for a stroll round the internet. Met the video below in a park. We chatted. I watched the video. Then the video said ‘See ya round’ and let someone else watch it. Little slut. Sorry – I didn’t rly mean that. Am just ‘feeling hurt’ that I cannot share the branded ‘rite of passage experiences that accompany driving a citigolf’ as expressed in the video by this ‘highly agreeable chickbro with nice soft boobs’.
Y’ulz, am rly rly bummed that I never had a CitiGolf, and now they’re not even making the car anymore. H8 my life. H8 my parents. Wish they’d ‘shown some tough love’ when giving me my 1st car & got me a ‘piece of plastic crap’ Citi that ‘fell apart slowly’ instead of a brand new Corsa Lite that ‘started 1st time every time all the time’. Feel ‘totally deprived’ of an authentic ‘coming of age’ experience via driving an Opel.
Fuck-my-so-called-post-teen-pre-adult-life y’als.
A memory I could have had, but NO.
Anyone else feel this way?
Another memory that could have been mine. H8 my life.
Really wish my parents ‘hadn’t trusted me for shit’ & bought me a Citi because ‘I was bound to write off my first car anyway’ (I did, but it was a Butler’s Pizza dude’s fault, not mine). Wish I never had such ‘free thinking parents’ who let my boyfriends stay over in my room instead of forcing us to ‘dry-hump on the roof of my Citi Golf’. Wish my mom hadn’t ‘slapped me on the pill as soon as I grew hips’ so I could have had an authentic ‘pregnancy scare while wrestling with the choke on my Citi Golf’. Feel like the Corsa roof is ‘too high to confuse with the bonnet’ in any case.
Fuck-my-so-called-post-teen-pre-adult-life.
Another memory snatched from me. Want 2 die.
What do y’ulz think? Should I sue my parents? Should I ‘seek treatment for my past wounds’? Should I ‘let the healing start’ by making a fake video of fake memories of my Citi Golf? In so much pain right now.
Y’ulz, went to Milnerton on the weekend. Was rly scary. Y’all ever been there? Wish someone had warned me. Went to “go fetch my ID book which was stolen 1.5 years ago and was found by an old lady in a Reader’s Digest in the pensions office in Milnerton”. Is that not the biggest mindfuck? Read it again: Went to “go fetch my ID book which was stolen 1.5 years ago and was found by an old lady in a Reader’s Digest in the pensions office in Milnerton”.
Mind. Fuck.
This is Milnerton. Frightening.
But more frightening even than this, is this THING I found. WHAT IS THIS? Found it outside the guest house next door to On The Rocks Restaurant. Thought it might be some Halloween fun but there was no reference to Halloween near it. Seriously y’ulz. WHAT IS THIS?:
A new trend is slippy sliding round the S-Africanland advertising ideasadoption curve y’ulz. Am HUGE proud of Ogilvy CT for starting it. Y’ulz are geniuses. This trend is called:
“Humiliate a faded international celeb via writing them into an ad”.
Loves it. Can’t wait 2 humiliate my own faded international celeb. Who d’yulz thanks it should be?
Stephanie "I did meth to cope with the lameness of Full House" Tanner?
Miyam Balik aka Blossom? She'd be gr8 in an ad 4 'how rad it is 2 be jewish' (via her degree in neuroscience, Hebrew & Jewish studies)
Think Bob Sagett would be great in a zany ad that is a montage of ppl tripping over vacuum cords advertising a new cordless vacuumer. What u think?
Which faded international celeb would y’ulz like 2 see humiliated?
***UPDATE**** Quick fact-correction here, Jupiter actually started this trend (via Louis Gosset Jnr Snr Mr bro). Sorry y’als, 4got about that. Am HUGE proud of y’ulz for starting this trend. Y’uls are what legends R made of. Y’ulz can watch one of The First Humiliations (there were 5 involving this faded celeb – they went all out) here:
****EVEN FURTHER UPDATE****
A very good-looking and smart and amazingly awesome hot bro just informed me that ACTUALLY, Jupies didn’t invent this trend. Whomever does the advertising for Silver Sands Casino and humiliated faded Swedish ’star’ Dolph Lundgren via writing him into their advertising invented this trend. Does anyone know what agency does Silversands? Does anyone know who the un-named genius is? Don’t worry Ogilvy / Jupies – y’alls are still early adopters for ‘copying it before the masses copy it’. Still respect / love y’all.
Pls pay me $$$ so I can get health insurance. Kinda 'spent all my cash' when I was young + stupid. Thanks y'all.
Y’ulz, this is a srs post. Sometimes I feel, when am driving my Bugatti thru the streets of ‘the most beautiful city in the world’ (Gardens), that there are beggars ‘fucking everywhere’. Think I am kind of over winding down my window BEFORE they approach 2 tell them 2 ‘lean on some other car like that Polo’. FFS y’ulle.
You'd better wash that stump b4 u click on my profile
And as if having to ‘decline stealing from myself 2 give 2 the poor’ on a daily basis is not painful enough, some beggar walked up to my window on facebook 2day (via an internal fbook email) and begged for me to ‘just go to this page and scroll down to the photo of the yam and like it, but don’t open the photo and like the photo, just like the link or it wont count as a vote, so I can win a free yamboat’.
Y’ulle can imagine my reply.
No, y’ulle actually can’t because I used a word I made up.
I said:
“Fangbags! Did u rly just send me this??????? H8 u.”
Srsly. Are there beggars ‘fucking everywhere’? Gonna write my next pro-bono article for the Big Issue about the beggar endemic. Have ‘had it in chunks’. What are y’ulz feelings about this topical issue? Has our social networking society ‘gone 2 the dogs tonight’? is fbook ‘the new Zim’?
Is the agency Halloween Party on Friday. Have pre-filled my timesheets with work so I can ‘get lunch at Garden’s Centre’ while picking up a l’il something a Party Tricks / Mardi Gras / Tinka Tonka Toys. Feel like I rly need 2 ‘bring it’ this yr since the USA took Halloween to a whole new level (via Noah Cyrus aka Miley’s sister aged 9)
Could always recycle my Amy Winehouse costume from the xmas party but will risk creatives saying ‘it’s been done b4’. Dress code is ‘your baddest self’ which is kinda vague (via PR organising a party & not rly getting the idea of “single-minded messaging”).
Fond xmas party memories.
Considering ‘showing some tit’ via saying I’m “dressed as Client Service”, but worried no one will ask me what I’m dressed as (via thinking I rly am Client Service) & will have to drop the words I AM CLIENT SERVICE into casual conversation while ppl stare at my tits & don’t listen 2 what I am saying. Is quite catch-22. Very confused. Will draw a graph.
A graphical representation of the 'excuse 2 dress like a slag' Halloween trend
Don’t rly understand my graph. What are y’ulz gonna be this Halloween? Mike Schalit?John Farqhar? Brian Searle-Tripp? (miss u BST).
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The tongue-in-cheek musings of a writer in advertising. Not to be taken seriously, if read at all.
