Psychographic profile: I am teh ghost of a dead blog

I am the ghost of a dead blog
booooo
did i scare u?
hope so. y’all woke me up from ‘the dreamless sleep’.
am pissed y’all. what do y’all think i died 4???
just want 2 die.
tired of bein ‘zany ‘n smart’.
is fun, but like, ‘u can’t be cool 4eva’ +
‘cool doesn’t pay da billz’ +
‘enjoy urself, take only what you need from it’
etc.
was kinda enjoying being dead.
is real peaceful.
no 1 to get all up in my facebook
no 3G here in hell

don’t hav 2 maintain ur personal brand (via being on fire all the time)
plus satan kinda keeeeeeeewl.
but now i went and ‘got all resurrected‘
by a ‘reputable publication‘ with a ‘niche-but-influential and educated readership’
(kinda wish it was heat magazine but whatevs)

i am the ghost of a dead blog.
boooOOOOOoooooo
gonna rattle my alexander mcqueen chain bags at u
keeping u up in the dark night of ur blog
feeling kinda vengeful
since when i was still alive
ppl were like, u r stupid
now i’m dead, ppl are like, u  were so like, clevs
“the blog artist’s value is only recognised posthumounguously”
isn’t it typical

“it’s like that, and that’s the way it is” – run dmc

don’t worry – not very vengeful. just l’il bit.
just gonna make ur light bulbs flicker some.
not gonna go polty on you. boooOOOOoo.

i am the ghost of a dead blog.
woke up coz i rolled in my grave
kinda just feel like we need to talk about ‘letting go’

did y’all get pissed at MJ when Thriller the song ends?
Do y’all get pissed when the movie u hired is finished?
stupid f-ing movie! u came to an end!

This is a meme joke. Do u get it?

did y’all get pissed at JK Rowling when she finished Harry Potter?
(ok so bad example. f-u JK. you got me hooked.)
NEwayz just trying to help you let go

This is a pooooOOOooetry joke. Do u get it?

boooOOOOOoooooooo

I am the ghost of a dead blog
was ‘summoned by the oujja board of journalistic truthful objective unbiased integritay’
never imagined dis blowgn thang would ‘get all intellectualised’
just wanted to be awesome y’ulz.
never dreamed my personal brand would have such ‘residual value attached to its key branding paradigm pillars of differentiation’.
kinda emotional about it.
(via wishing i was still dead)
there is only one feeling in hell (being burned)
sad, was just betterin my table tennis scores
was just getting 2 know satan (miss u bro. next time i see you PING PONG IS ON LIKE KING KONG!)

I am the ghost of a dead blog.
Gonna go ‘back 2 bed now’.
it was ‘nice chatting’.
off you go now to the new blog.
know that i am always with you.
am there in the new blog
though u cannot always see me.
if u look carefully, i am there.

am just ‘talking in a different accent’.
am just ‘trying on some new blogshoes’.
just ‘exploring a new personal sub-brand’.
da holding company stays da same. 4evs y’all. pinkie swear.

miss y’ulz.
love y’ulz.
h8 y’ulz.
ditto.

I just wanna be awesome y’ulz.

Y’ulz, I so bad wanna be awesome.
I just want ppl 2 look at me & think “wish I was that sisbro”.
Just want ppl 2 covet my Opel Corsa that now looks like a ‘real car’ (via all cars looking like the Peugot 206)
Just want ppl 2 look at my real leather hand / manbag and think ‘wow that’s a bro who srsly knows their quality shiz, must stop buying Mr Pricebro’
Just want ppl 2 know that I buy Country Road when they finger the thick seams & say “but who BUYS this stuff?!”
So bad just wanna be awesome.

Y’ulz, I so bad just wanna be awesome.
Gonna get super tight jeans that “cre8 a camel-toe ambience” & wear them in front of my chubby sister,
See how she likes ‘getting the brains in the family’ now
Gonna move into a house with “all my best guy friends” (via being a guys’-girl / the village indie bicycle)
Gonna sleep with them all (via parental divorce-issues), even though all of them have girlfriends, some of whom are my best friends forever y’all! (via going 2 film school 2 getha)
Gonna sleep with them all and ‘be besties & climb lions head on adventures!’ with them all
So bad just wanna be awesome y’all!

Y’ulz, I am fucking desperate 2 be awesome.
Gonna make peace signs while I do cheap coke off the toilets at Assembly while taking a self-portrait profile shot 4 my blog
Gonna wear empty-lensed paedo-glasses 2 ‘invoke the nerd look’ (via looking like a tard)
Gonna wear an Indian head-dress minus feathers 2 ‘give them something 2 talk about’ (via yawning) so my head looks like a phimosis-victim (via Google it)
Gonna take a non-paying job in a crap magazine that had street-cred in 1994 (via articles on drugs via back then ppl not knowing that drinking / taking drugs / being ‘reckless with your body’ makes you ‘lose ur looks’)
So fucking desperate 2 be awesome!
Y’ulz!

Y’ulz, basically, I would do anything 2 be awesome.
Gonna housesit my bestie’s house & ‘trash the place’ (how awesome? Bro…)
Gonna ‘get pregnant’ with my b/f’s babybro & then ‘lose the baby’ on a coke binge
So I can be “hot pregnant chick” minus “all that baby admin”
Y’ulz, gonna “turn down paying design jobs” 4 “jobs that are awesome” (via getting free entrance 2 clubs where the band whose flyer I designed is playing at)
Y’ulz, I’m gonna be awesome.
Can’t wait!
Y’alls!

I’ll mock it up, show u what I got

OMG y’ulz. Think I might just binge eat KFC 2 deal with the waves of extremely positive emotion washing over me right now.

Lady Gaga +  typeface = You can read my Neutra Face

Which faded international celebrity should i humiliate (via writing them into an ad?)

A new trend is slippy sliding round the S-Africanland advertising ideas adoption curve y’ulz. Am HUGE proud of Ogilvy CT for starting it. Y’ulz are geniuses. This trend is called:

“Humiliate a faded international celeb via writing them into an ad”.

Loves it. Can’t wait 2 humiliate my own faded international celeb. Who d’yulz thanks it should be?

Stephanie "I did meth to cope with the lameness of Full House" Tanner?

Miyam Balik aka Blossom? She'd be gr8 in an ad 4 'how rad it is 2 be jewish' (via her degree in neuroscience, Hebrew & Jewish studies)

Think Bob Sagett would be great in a zany ad that is a montage of ppl tripping over vacuum cords advertising a new cordless vacuumer. What u think?

Which faded international celeb would y’ulz like 2 see humiliated?

***UPDATE**** Quick fact-correction here, Jupiter actually started this trend (via Louis Gosset Jnr Snr Mr bro). Sorry y’als, 4got about that. Am HUGE proud of y’ulz for  starting this trend. Y’uls are what legends R made of. Y’ulz can watch one of The First Humiliations (there were 5 involving this faded celeb – they went all out) here:

****EVEN FURTHER UPDATE****

A very good-looking and smart and amazingly awesome hot bro just informed me that ACTUALLY, Jupies didn’t invent this trend. Whomever does the advertising for Silver Sands Casino and humiliated faded Swedish ‘star’ Dolph Lundgren via writing him into their advertising invented this trend. Does anyone know what agency does Silversands? Does anyone know who the un-named genius is? Don’t worry Ogilvy / Jupies – y’alls are still early adopters for ‘copying it before the masses copy it’. Still respect / love y’all.

Pls pay me $$$ so I can get health insurance. Kinda 'spent all my cash' when I was young + stupid. Thanks y'all.

am i over ‘being creative’?

hey y’ulz. have you ever felt like ‘being creative is not emotionally profitable’? am having one of those days. kind of feel like being creative is ‘highly overrated’ and that i would probz be happier if i was ‘just rich’. feel like if i ran myself like a business i’d have retrenched the EMOTIONS and the CREATIVE depts a long time ago due lack of costs recovered. in order to help make up my mind have done a list of pros & cons:

what life is like as a creative:

Can't separate my emotions from my work y'ulz 😦

– u are filled with ’emotions’ that make you ‘attached 2 ur work’ (i.e. when ppl fuck up your work you cry. a lot. sometimes u have sex with strangers 2 make it better).

– u are dependent on ppl who ‘get you’ for food (srsly – if no one ‘gets u’ you have to do drastic shit like ‘cut off your ear’ or ‘start a blog’ or ‘be in client service’)

Who am I? TELL ME.

– u have people telling you what to do / that you have ‘crossed the line’ / that you need to make our work ‘more accessible’ / what you are not allowed to do (be awesome)

I hate the man. I am the man. I hate the man.

– u have great style but no money to by great clothes 2 reflect your style

– ppl at Caprice think u are weird (h8 you coz you are ‘different’)

Hey can you lend me R50 for a taxi home? My money fell out of my home-made wallet i bought off etsy - soz.

– the bank (Standard Bank) won’t insure you against retrenchment

– ur kids will be obese because of their anger at your substance abuse problem.

My mom is amazing. I love and respect her. Hey you wanna get McD's?

what life is like when u are RICH:

– nobody argues with u even if you are an obese kid who has crossed the line

My mom is my role model.

– nobody tells u what 2 do because you can ‘buy and sell them’

Go on. Fire me.

– if you cry you can pay for an operation that stops your tearducts working & pills that will stop u from feeling (via ‘therapy’)

– u can force yourself on ppl & even if you are a douche they will like u anyway because you buy them patron at Caprice which u own

– u have no style but ppl copy u anyways because ‘you are rich & obviously right’

– your bank sends you Charlie’s cake on ur birthday & grants u a lipo loan all in same day

– everything is totally awesome

Loves it!

– you can do whatever you want all the time

NOT a creative.

What do y’ulz think? Has ‘being a creative’ dated badly? Are creatives ‘the new bottom feeders’? Should I do nightcourses in accounting & ‘finally have some form of control over my life’? Is ‘being rich’ the true definition of creativity (via being able to do whatever you want whenever you want)? Have some srs thinking to do.

Close encounters with the TBG while brainstorming

See kids? THIS is what can happen if you get into advertising. You work late nights without being paid overtime. You present endless options on ideas, and they all get bombed for whatever reason. You get harangued for being on the internet ‘when you should be working’. You mooch around Wembley Square for hours on end, “brainstorming”.  And then the TBG walks in, and makes it all worthwhile.

And suddenly everything is wonderful.

Read more about similarly inspiring encounters with TBG here.

What I’ve been working on.

I’ve had a few complaints in the last week that I’m not updating enough. Well, I’ve been busy with some very important work. Like such:

Taking advantage of the first beach-friendly days of the season.

Getting out my short-shorts and working out how to use my fish-eye lens with my iPhone.

Watching my boyfriend play with his dog.

Finding the right shade of red lipstick for my complexion.

Ambushing friends’ birthday photos with peace signs.

Taking photos of friends while they are mid-sentence.

Making my friends wear this gimmicky bird-purse on their arms.

And now you know. So quit whingeing and understand that some people have to work for a living, and that we are not all living the holiday.

Psychographic Profile: I am Michael Jackson

Say my name, tards.

I am Michael Jackson
I am dead now and, to be honest,
It’s a bit of a relief
Things were getting tense there.
I was supposed to go on tour,
My ‘comeback’ tour,
But I was nowhere near up for that shiz.
I was fragile and scared
And sick,
My body totally let me down,
But I guess I let it down too.
NEwayz, no regrets,
I had a good run,
And I am free now.

This was my shout-out to spidey-bro.

I am Michael Jackson
But I don’t really identify with my personal brand anymore,
Kind of felt I was living a lie for the past 10 years,
But too much $$ depended on it.
So many people with kids who needed a salary out of my name
That I felt bad,
But I really couldn’t deal,
So I hid away in Dubai
Where people wouldn’t think I was weird for covering my face.
I just wanted to be alone.

The Portrait of Michael Dorian Jackson Gray.

I am Michael Jackson
Deep down, I just wanted to dance,
But that made some peeps think I was gay,
Which made me even sadder.
The only people who didn’t judge me or want something from me
Were children,
So I hung out with them.
Then people said I was a paed.
If only they knew I had lost so much faith in the world
That sex with anyone
Was the last thing on my mind.

At least kids were honest with me about my fucked-up face, unlike all my sycophantic manager bros.

I am Michael Jackson
I just wanted to make people happy.
My shrink said I had a ‘need 2 please’
But I never really saw what was wrong with that,
Until I tried to please everyone too many times
By having another surgery
And my face fell apart.
Which was kind of ironic because while my ‘image’ was melting,
My soul was soaring and I thought
Maybe I can carve myself into someone else,
And then everyone will leave me alone
And let me dance with my kids at my house
In private.

Just want to walk down the street without being hassled.

I am Michael Jackson
And though I wanted ppl to leave me alone,
I wish my friends had called more often-
Neverland got really quiet on Sundays,
When everyone was with their families,
Happy and loved.
So I decided to have children of my own,
To love and be loved by,
When the fans went home.
And I loved my kids,
And I did my best to protect them,
I even called my one kid ‘Blanket’ so he could feel real protected,
Even though ppl thought I was a freak.

My gift 2 my kids will be their faces.

I am Michael Jackson
Hope you liked my work.
Please don’t go all crazy now that I’m gone,
Because y’all weren’t that nice to me when I was alive,
But it’s okay.
We’re all just ppl.
Just trying to be happy.

Try be nice 2 y'all next King of Pop, K?

I am Michael Jackson
And I am free now.

iPhone crashed. as did my heart.

hey y’uls. my iPhone crashed last night. so i slit my wrists and lay down in the bath, waiting to die. boyfriend found me.

BF:  “Baby! Why are you covered in food colouring?”
Me:  “My iPhone crashed. I can’t even Google how to fix it.”
BF:  “You must be overtired. I’ll Google it.”
Fiddles with his very old but very trusty Nokia.
BF:  “You just have to hold down the sleep and the home button.”
Holds down buttons.
BF:  “There. See? It’s fine now. All phones crash, baby. It happens.”
Me:  “Not to the iPhone. I don’t want this one anymore. It’s broken. It’s dirty. Want a new one.”
BF:  “Don’t be silly. It’s fine now. What were you doing when it crashed?”
Me:  “Was trying to tweet a Flickr pic from a blog post. What’s the point in having an iPhone if I can’t multitask on it? Might as well have a 3310.”
BF:  “Don’t be ridiculous. You need some sugar. Have a guava.”

And so it went.

Srsly. Has this happened to you? Do y’ulle know whether there’s a support group I can join to talk about how this has affected me? I know that there are 7 stages of dealing with an iPhone crash.

Last night I was in 1&2&3, then I skipped all the way to 7.5 (Hope) and am Hoping there is a way to skip through all of these to 5 and stay there (via being part of instant gratification generation). Don’t really want to work hard for anything that isn’t depositing $$ into my account (via pragmatism and materialism and over-inflated sense of self-worth), even if that thing was free and is coveted by all my associates / friends (iPhone).

Think this’ll probably become one of the great unifying questions of the 21st century.

Where were you when your iPhone first crashed? – Alex van Tonderator

Like, Where were you when you heard Princess Diana slept with a Muslim?

Where were you when you heard that Kung Fu Panda became the President of South Africa?

I’m here for you y’ulle. Just know that you will heal, eventually.

thought for the week: advertising’s bad, but art is worse.

thanks @JadeDsantos.

watch and learn

How to take over the world, one big dick at a time:

one of history’s greatest entertainers

Lady Gaga continues to blow my mind. Here’s her latest video for song Paparazzi. And for those of you chasing fame (you know who you are) let this be a warning.

Psychographic Profile: I am a TrendSpotter

Please excuse my purple leotard, it is because I am an early-adopter and trend-aware.

I am a TrendSpotter
I am employed by that company who’s name you can’t quite remember,
That tells you things you already know,
That’s run by some old guy who has a crush on my youth,
But you nod and smile politely and what I have ‘spotted’
Because I am young and enthusiastic,
And you kind of feel sorry for me
And my misguided efforts.

"I'm just another trendwatcher / telling you something you already know"

I am a TrendSpotter.
I say this with pride because in high school
I was never very ‘trendy’,
I was always kind of nerdy,
And I always got the badly-fitted, cheap version of the Latest Thing
Because my parents aren’t all that wealthy
And never aspired to much more,
Which always grated me,
Because I know I am born to be someone special.

Spending some quality time with my uniqueness. Just being there / with myself.

I am a TrendSpotter
I scour all the cool websites the night before my deadlines,
Even though I know that everyone reads those same websites.
I take self-portraits of myself in sunglasses to make me look hot,
And I never get my whole body in, because I am overweight
(not much, but enough that it’s noticeable),
I figure when I get famous / published / a boyfriend
I will make more of an effort with what I eat
And I will be so hot
I’ll show all of you.

Am i or am i not hot? You'll never know for sure.

I am a TrendSpotter
I get worked into a frenzy over ‘new stuff’,
Even though I rarely explore the potential that the stuff has to change my life.
I’d rather move quickly onto another new thing
And get all frenzied up about that,
Because I am a trendspotter
And I cling to my title like I cling to my excuses
For drinking too much / eating too much / not getting any sex.

I am a TrendSpotter
I tell my friends that it is ‘good experience’ for my future career in marketing,
But really it’s just a small way I can feel superior to them
For once in my life.

Like, duh.

I am a TrendSpotter now
But I will eventually grow up and see
That the world of TrendSpotting is a redundant sham thanks to googleRSStwitterfacebookcameraphonesMxitSmartPeopleInMarketing

WhoWatchTrendsBecauseTheyAreNaturallyCompetent
I will realize that the word ‘cool’ makes me sound like a naïve retard,
And I will get a real job.

"All good lays come to an end," - Nelly Furtado

But right now, I am a TrendSpotter
And if anything, it’s an easy way to make money / conversation with people whose photo I take without permission / find an excuse to take photos of myself
And if anything, I already know how lame I am
But I will bury that knowledge
In my affected passion for ‘all things new’
That I will broadcast on my street fashion blog
And my twitter
And my facebook status updates.

Just updating my trend blog.

I am a TrendSpotter.

Design indaba. It was cool.

Loved Design Indaba, even though our traffic managers are in their ‘experimenting with heroine’ phase and scheduled us on Massive Intense Campaign throughout the duration of it. It meant we had to screech across the city and work late a lot. But whatever.

Tried to provide ‘live twitter coverage’ but it didn’t really work because my battery died (iPhone tut tut) plus I’m just not altruistic enough to follow through with that sort of thing.

Speakers I loved were Adams Morioka because they like making design that makes people happy and they don’t take themselves too seriously. Also liked all the uber nano-genetic-bio-tech that Dunne and Raby presented. Didn’t they just make you realize that design is on this whole other level in the EU? Last time I checked the only ‘tech’ you get in design school in this country is CapeTech.

Sigh. Wish I could’ve grown myself a new pair of barcode-reading, cancer-sniffing breasts / arms / ears at college.

Pleasant surprise was Keith Rose. Wish he was my dad so he could give me advice on my digi home movies. Had to watch him carefully as he is also in Creative Circle of Fame and I only have 5 months before I turn 26 which is when I need to be inducted into CCHF. Everyone clapped and got all teary when they showed the elephant IBM ad (back then it was ISM?) and the Dunlop staffie. I personally sobbed into my La Senza bra (it was stuffed in my bag because is too uncomfortable to wear).

Brace yourself.

Then the BMW mouse-on-the-steering-wheel ad came on and nobody knew quite what to do so they gave it a standing ovation. Warcrime. Really. Over it.

Also liked Li Edelkoort. I felt like one of her minions when she said Grey-everything, and then played a video about people wearing grey from head-to-toe, as I was wearing grey from head-to-toe. Guess it’s a good thing. Guess I’ve still got my ‘early adopter edge’.

❤ ya Li. Wanted to run up and touch her to get some of her 'special dust'.

Marian Bantjes also very cool. Like her doodle vibe.

Spent half of Friday frothing at the mouth in anticipation of Javier Mariscal. “Oh you HAVE to see him,” they said. “His last talk was so amazing it made me cry,” they said. He made us wait 45 mins while he constructed a rocket launcher on stage, and proceeded to babble like a madman with a bad case of crack-throat when he finally got up to speak. Was mortified. Kept making eyes at Mallix as if to say “Do you know what’s going on / do you have any valium?” Mallix fed me sweets to shut me up and then I passed out due to sugar low and woke up when the screen was flashing all funny colours. Camera kept switching back to 2 weird little characters who spoke with crack throat. He then finished his talk with some cracked out Freddie Mercury performance, and started shrieking the names of all the other speakers on stage, for no particular reason. Just for fun. The best part of his talk was when he pinned the Anglo Platinum Pin presented to him to his crotch. F-ing designers.

Raving lunatic. I missed the Oprah birthday special for this man.

But, the star of Design Indaba was undeniably Nobumichi Tosa, a Japanese engineer / designer who makes ‘nonsense machines’, such as a machine that pops ‘all the bubble wrap in a sheet of bubble wrap at once’. For reals. Check out his site, his work truly was mindblowing. He’s also invented a singing robot (creepy in a rad way) and a whole bunch of weird musical instruments, all based on a simple knocker. I also loved his fish power cable, and his funny mask thing, and his wing-knockers, which he wore on stage. Mind.Blowing.

Mad, but in a good, interesting way. Take notes, Mariscal.

Think before you hit FWD. A baby could die.

Hey y’ulle. Having a moment of confusion. Need to ‘blog through it’. Just got one of those mails from one of my ‘friends’ that lists ‘words to live by’. This one has a picture of a loaf of bread shaped like a hand that says ‘May you find it easy to give and receive’ followed by a picture of a photoshopped banana made to look like a yellow dolphin that says ‘May your home be filled with fresh air and light’.

Think I might have some sort of brain disorder because when I see these images and words my fingers go all stiff and they try to scratch my eyeballs out of my head. Srsly. Not sure what this means. I also get these symptoms when people send me pictures of babies that talk about how I should ‘dance in the rain like nobody’s watching until there’s no tomorrow’, and then ask that you send it back to the person who sent it to you. Do y’ulle send out these emails?

Of those of you who do send out these emails, are any of you

a)mentally retarded

b) on medication that numbs the connection between your frontal lobe and your cerebellum

c) 11 year old pre-teenage girls

d) Michael Jackson

e) signing the petition against the proposed Western Cape Liquor Bill, and do you send the mails while you are drunk?

I’d like to know for research purposes, so pls drop me a mail or a tweet with your answer. Thanks. And remember:

Dance like nobody's watching!

Live like there's no tomorrow!

Every time you send out a crappy chain email, a baby is suffocated! By me!

PS.

I eat baby hedgehogs as mid-morning snacks.